Sunday, May 30, 2010

Day One

I don't remember if I posted here that about a month ago I decided to go on a one week masturbation fast. I have told of least a couple of people about this but not sure if I posted about it here. Anyways I decided to do this after a time when masturbation was really controlling me. I felt that every time I was excited I had to listen to my body and do what it said. Basically instead of me controlling my body it was controlling me and I was sick of it. So I prayed and told God I was going to fast from masturbation for one week but needed His help. It was the first time in my life I ever even really tried purposefully not to do this. Sure there had been times when I had not done it for a couple of weeks but I was not actively trying to resist the urge when I had it, I just did not do it for whatever reason. Well I will admit that week was very difficult but I made a promise to God and whenever the urge came I prayed for strength and was able to endure it.

Well a surprising thing happened when the week ended I was not ready to stop the fast and decided to try to keep on fasting to see what would happen. One week went by, two weeks went by, three weeks went by then almost a month went by and I still had not masturbated. It was so strange to me and after the first week no where near as hard to resist as I thought it would be. For the first time in my life I felt in control of myself. I did not have to just do what my body wanted I could ignore it and the feeling would go away. Instead of the urges getting stronger like I thought they would they were getting easier to ignore.

Well having said all that I confess that I gave in last night. I was having terrible insomnia and could not sleep. It was hot, I was uncomfortable, and I was tossing and turning. It was around 1:00 AM I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep so I just gave in and was like forget it this always worked and helped me sleep in the past so I did it. And it did help and I slept like a baby...for about 4 hours. Then I woke up and the urge was even stronger then it was before so I did it again. The first time I did it without fantasies or lust because it had been so long. The problem was the second time however I did lust and have fantasies.

Anyways I learned some things from this. First of all even though my body says to me that doing this will be a release and a relief it is not true as my flesh just demands more and more. I mean here I went a whole month not doing this and then after doing it last night 4 hours later my body was demanding me to do it again and the urge was much stronger than before I gave in the first time earlier in the night. So its a lie that just doing it will be a relief. Sure it will be a temporary relief but it seems to me the more I do it the more my body demands I do it again.

Anyways I learned some self control over the last month and will try to use those lessons going forward. Also I learned more about my body and how it really loves attention and when you dont give it the attention it wants it will quiet down eventually but when you do give it attention it will crave even more.

I still am not totally sure masturbation is a sin if one can keep from lusting. Sometimes I am able to do it without lust and fantasies but that is a really difficult thing for me to separate from it. I do see some benefits in the act as in the past I have done it to avoid looking at porn or giving in to other temptations. So I still am not sure where I stand completely on the issue. I do know that its never good for my body to control me though and I know lusting and fantasies are sins. So I feel overall its not wise for me to masturbate often.

So anyways I failed last night but I asked God for forgiveness and I am starting new today. I am very thankful that I feel no guilt at all now that I asked God for forgiveness which is just really great! I just realized that sure I messed up but I am only human and I know God still loves me and forgives me.

Day one begins now!

Friday, May 28, 2010

What is ex-gay?

I know this is probably a stupid question. But I see alot of people on the blogs and around the Internet using the term ex-gay and I am confused as to what it means. What exactly does the term ex-gay mean? Does that mean that a person does not have sexual relationships with guys but used to? Or does that mean you no longer are attracted to guys and once were? And if someone is like me and has never had a sexual relationship with a guy but has same sex attractions what does one call himself then? A never-gay who likes guys? lol :)

I just still dont know all the terms I guess. I really do wonder what ex-gay means though if anyone can enlighten me. I just dont know the correct terms or what to call myself I guess.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Did God Make Me Gay?

I just found this new to me blog called "God's Love – Our Witness" a couple of days ago after Inge, the blog owner there, posted a very thought provoking comment to my blog.

So I explored her blog after reading the comment and I really liked this article she posted the other day titled "Did God Make Me Gay?" Here is a small part of the article that spoke to me the most:

While God walked this earth in human flesh as Jesus Christ, He made clear that He identifies with those who suffer because of the ravages of sin in this world. He healed the sick, the lame, the blind, the lepers. He taught that their conditions were not necessarily the result of their personal choices. And if Jesus walked this earth today, He would identify with the gay people of the world, not condemning them, but drawing them to Himself, just like He drew the outcasts of society two thousand years ago.

We live on a planet that demonstrates the effects of sin – not necessarily particular sins, but sin in general. The Apostle Paul tells us that the “whole creation groans together” under the curse of sin, waiting for the deliverance that comes when Christ returns to this planet again. And a homosexual orientation is just one of the many and varied effects of sin on this planet. That does not mean that homosexually oriented persons are any more sinful than heterosexually oriented persons. It just means that their road in life is more difficult in some respects than that of a heterosexually oriented person in otherwise similar circumstances. And with more difficulty comes more grace.

Anyways be sure to check out the whole blog post there as this is just a tiny portion of it and I thought it was a really good post.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Wandering Thoughts for May 26

Just a few mini-updates and links that I like this week.

- Just bought the new Tenth Avenue North cd called "The Light Meets The Dark" and I really like it. Its the first cd of theirs I have purchased. May buy the other one at some point too. The main theme of the CD is about sharing your struggles with others and not hiding your sins. So ya I cant seem to get away from God telling me to open up about my struggle with some people in my life as I still have not. I know that I should and I am working on it.

- Speaking of opening up I really liked the newest post on Thom's blog entitled "Has Anyone Seen My Burden?" that is also about the same subject of sharing your burdens with other Christians like it says to do in the Bible.

- I just finished reading Ravi Zacharias' book "Cries of the Heart" today. I really liked it overall although I found some parts a little dry. I especially liked the last two chapters "the cry of a lonely heart" and "the cry of God for His people".

- I got my next book that I am planning to read from in the mail today! Perfect timing! It is "The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom" by Henri J.M. Nouwen. I have already skimmed a few pages and it looks really interesting. Each page has a topic taken from his journals during a really hard time in his life when he was battling depression and loneliness. I am looking forward to reading it. I have heard that one of his struggles in life, not really known by the general public until his death, was with same sex attractions. So I am interested all the more in this book and to read the thoughts of a fellow struggler!

Here is a verse for the week that has really been speaking to me:

I Peter 5:7 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."

That is something I am trying to work on. There is no use worrying all the time about what may or may not happen to me tomorrow, 1, 5, or 10 years from now. Its in God's hands and I am in God's hands. I know God loves me so however my life turns out in the future I have to trust Him that He has a plan. He has shown his amazing love and faithfulness to me time and time again even though I don't deserve it and have failed Him many many times. Yet He keeps picking me up, forgiving me, and dusting me off when I fail. I am amazed by His love and how He cares so much for a sinner like me.

Hope everyone has a good week.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Awesome Weekend That Almost Wasn't

Wow God does answer prayers. I of course knew this already but this weekend it was so obvious it was like God was shooting fireworks in the air so I would know it was Him answering me. Friday night I was extremely depressed and lonely. I prayed very earnestly for God to provide for my loneliness and help me get through the weekend. I was not very optimistic about anything happening though I have to admit. Well on Saturday I was supposed to go to a family get together that was about 2 hours away at a relatives house and was going to just not go figuring no one would even miss me if I stayed home. I knew I would be the only single one there and that everyone else would have wives/husbands and most would have kids. Well I did end up forcing myself to go even though I tried to convince myself not to with every excuse possible. Or maybe it was Satan trying to convince me not to go so that God could not answer my prayer and I would be alone all weekend? I dont know. So anyways I went to the family party and it was a great day and the food was amazing and it was not as bad as I feared. Yes I was indeed the only single one there so did feel funny but I made the best of it and still enjoyed myself. Plus did I mention the food was amazing? :) That party alone probably would have been enough for me to make me happy and not feel so lonely for the weekend. But God had other plans.

Anyways onto the answered prayer part. Well pretty much as soon as I got to the family gathering my brother, who had arrived earlier, asked me if I wanted to go over his friends house (who I also know) later that night after the family party and watch a playoff game with him and a few friends, stay over his house, and then go to his church the next day. Well this just pretty much came out of nowhere so I was surprised. I knew instantly it was God answering my prayer. Even though I had no change of clothes with me and it was all last minute I said yes! I had alot of fun and really enjoyed myself. I have known them all for awhile since we have met at church and have crossed paths many times elsewhere. I enjoyed watching the game with them and I just felt "normal" all night. I did not have to think of any of my problems and was just a guy like them. I was thanking God to myself all night for so clearly answering my prayer. Church today was great too and I only just got home a couple of hours ago.

So I went from being alone and having no plans all weekend to being busy and with people all weekend! Wow God is pretty crazy sometimes. I am still stunned at it all and how God is so good to me. I am so glad that I forced myself to go to the family party as if I had not God would not have been able to make the rest of the weekend happen!

Anyways I am exhausted now as I did not sleep to great on the couch last night but I am tired and happy! I gotta take a shower now though as I still have on the same clothes I had on Saturday morning and I probably dont smell to great! lol :)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


Here is the update about Sunday that I promised to post for anyone interested. I was going to post it yesterday but was not feeling well so never got around to it. Sunday was great and let me calm down from the stress I put on myself Saturday. The weather was a beautiful 68 degrees or so and sunny. I woke up early from a rather restless sleep you know the kind where you wake up every hour or so and notice the clock every time and keep thinking "will this night ever end?" So after getting up I went out to a local bakery had a fresh blueberry muffin and a coffee and then went to church. It was a great church service that really encouraged me. The service was all about how the promises of God can take time to fulfill because God is not on our timetable. The pastor talked about how God promised Abraham a son and it took 25 years for the promise to be fulfilled but eventually it was. The pastor said how the time between the promise and the promise being fulfilled is the most dangerous time for us as we doubt and fear that maybe God has forgotten us. We may grow impatient like even Abraham did when he tried to make the promise happen on his own by having a baby about 12 years after God promised him a son with another woman. That one act of trying to rush God's promise along has caused thousands of years of war and strife. Thats what can happen when mankind tries to do the job of God!

So I took from this message that maybe someday I will be healed but its not on my time table but God's. And maybe it is never to happen I dont know. But God is good either way and if its His will to heal me then it will happen in His time not mine. It is not something I can force. I may grow impatient like Abraham did but I have to have faith that God has a plan for me whether I am healed or not. I know for me it would be wrong to give into my temptations just because I am impatient at God's timing and may be attracted to males and want to give in to my desires. Maybe someday God will provide me with a wife in His time who will understand my struggles and love me anyways. Or maybe God will heal me completely. Or maybe neither thing will happen and I will be single and celibate my whole life. If that happens I have to trust God will provide for the loneliness I have at times in other ways. The point is I have to learn to leave it in God's hands and not worry so much. I have a real problem with worry. I go over every possible outcome, imagine what my life will be like if I am never to marry, and I just over-think everything. I have to leave it in God's hands. That is something that is probably easier said than done for me but it is something I have to work on and was glad I took it from this message at church. Anyways this message at church was just what I needed to hear at the time. God has a funny way of speaking to us just when we need it the most dont you think??

Monday, May 17, 2010

Restless Dreams

Oh man all of a sudden I just remembered a dream I had last night. I know this is my second post today but I had to post to get my mind off of it. I wish I did not remember it as it seemed so right and real in my dream. In the dream for some reason there was a bunch of guys on the beach and we were at a party or something. I think it was a party for me I dont know why. But anyways everyone was congratulating me for something and then when one of the guys congratulated me he suddenly kissed me passionately on the lips and it was so real holy cow. It seemed so real and remembering the dream now I can almost feel his lips on mine but it obviously was not real as I have never had a party at the beach or kissed a guy. So ya this sucks wish I did not remember that dream as it was so real and I am sad to say I enjoyed it so much in my dream. I guess Satan must be tempting me even in my sleep. Why oh why did I have to remember it?

This dream reminds me its been awhile since I looked at porn not something I want to be thinking about. I have to think about something else. I gotta go for a walk. I gotta clear my head. I gotta pray. I think this is spiritual warfare because I learned alot in church on Sunday. I think Satan wants me to forget everything I learned.

Lord forgive me for having unpure fantasies even in my dreams and help me to get this out of my mind. Please protect my dreams from the enemy as I sleep at night and help me realize this is all just a trick to deceive me.

On the tip of my tongue...

Hey all just thought I would update you about the weekend. On Saturday around noon I talked to my brother on the phone and he asked if I wanted to come down to his house for the day. I said yes and thought this might be the perfect chance to tell him about my struggles with SSA. It probably would have been but I was not able to do it. My fears took over and I could not say the words. While I had a fun day at my brothers house most of the time I was there I was agonizing in my head over whether to tell him of my struggle or not. The whole day it was on the tip of my tongue and I wanted to spit it out but could not. So it kind of ruined alot of the day since my heart was racing and I was very nervous because this was hanging over me and I wanted to talk about it but could not. I wonder if he noticed I was acting weird for alot of the time? Many times I tried to begin the conversation but then I always changed the subject and started talking about something else because I was to nervous.

Man this is a hard thing for me to do. "Normal" people dont know how lucky they are. Its not like one day they have to get up and tell the world they like the opposite sex. I am shy to begin with and private so I hate drawing attention to myself and making this big dramatic announcement is not something I enjoy at all. Plus who knows the reaction. I think he will be supportive but maybe I am totally wrong and he wont understand at all and will think I chose to be like this. Plus I am not the best at explaining things and may stumble over my words and say something that he misunderstands. Maybe I should send him an email after I tell him with more details in case I forget to say something? Has anyone here ever done that?? Or maybe that would be weird?

This is really stressful and I cant wait until it is over with. Not sure when the next chance will come but I hope I am able to do it. I just cant even have fun hanging out with him at this point as I just spend the day looking for a chance to open up but then I am to afraid to when the chance comes. Neo has posted here several times that I may have to email him and say I have something I need to talk about in person that I struggle with as a way to force me to talk when I see him. I am seeing more and more that he is probably right as I just cant seem to get the courage to start the conversation on my own in person. Its weird as I have never had any trouble talking with my brother before but this is just something I have been hiding so long and been afraid about for so long that my anxiety and worry is very high and I am stressed to the max about it.

Your prayers for me would be appreciated as I am trying to finally be honest about this in my life but its hard for me and it may take me a little more time than I had hoped.

I typed up a bunch about Sunday for this post too but it made this post really long so I will post about Sunday later. But overall Sunday was a great day of peace and learning that I am thankful the Lord provided me after the stress I put on myself from the day before. More about Sunday tomorrow.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Somewhere Down the Road

Thanks to a post by Daemon on His Blog about things he wonders about I decided to make a list of my own. So thanks Daemon for the inspiration! First of all this song I posted by Amy Grant has meant alot to me since the first time I heard it when it was released awhile back. It has been the cry of my heart on many occasions when I was REALLY down and confused and had no one to talk to about my feelings. Its all about asking "why" questions to God and how we may not get answers on earth to the questions we wrestle with but that someday we will understand.

Ok here is my list (sorry if its a little bit on the serious side but these are the questions of my heart):

I wonder...

Why I am attracted to guys?

Would I be married now if I was straight?

Is there a girl all alone out there somewhere I was supposed to be with?

Why God does not heal me and make me "normal"?

Will I ever "grow up" and feel like a man?

Will others accept me if they know about my attractions?

Will I ever be able to accept myself?

How does God decide which prayers to answer?

Why can I tell when a woman is beautiful but still am not attracted to her?

Would I be far away from God if I did not struggle with this because life would be to easy for me?

Why do some seem to have so much and others so little?

Why do I sometimes do the things I hate? (Paul beat me to this question!)

What would my life have been like if I had told people when I was younger about my attractions?

How can God stand to look at me never-mind love me after I have sinned so much?

Will I still be alone because of my SSA's in 10 years when pretty much everyone I know will likely have a family?

Why is it that I want to have closer friends but am afraid to open up to others?

Why am I so shy?

Why does everyone seem to misunderstand me?

Does God have a plan for me or will I be bouncing from one thing to the next seemingly randomly for the rest of my life?

If I am never to marry will God provide for the loneliness in my life?

Will anyone hold my hand when I die?

Why do I worry so much when I know God is in control?

Why does God sometimes seem so far away?

Why does God sometimes seem so close?

When we die and ask God all these questions will everything finally make sense?

and finally...

I wonder if God gets sick of every new person in heaven asking a million questions? :-)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Waiter, Check Please!

Hi all. Just figured I would post again and give you an update about my weekend after not posting for awhile other than that video I posted last night. I spent alot of time reading the Bible and listening to worship music over the weekend. I also am reading "Cries of the Heart" by Ravi Zacharias and am finding it really good and learning alot. Overall I am feeling really good and closer to God than I have in a long time! I hope this feeling never leaves.

I had a good mother's day weekend with my parents, brother, and sister-in-law. Was great spending time with everyone. We all went out to dinner for mother's day and of course the waiter was a good looking guy. It always sort of puts me in a bad mood when my SSA's kick in when I least want them too especially in situations like this where I am trying to have fun and spend time with my family. But I mean it did not really bother me to much. In the past I really would have beat myself up over having these feelings and it would have ruined my whole day. But instead this time I just sort of realized this is part of me for good or bad and its not to bad to just be attracted to someone as long as I dont lust over them so I did not let it bother me to much. I think I have come to this conclusion after reading the blogs of so many of you. So I thank you guys! I guess its just part of this struggle and I may have to always deal with it.

I am sort of glad that my family does not know sometimes about my same sex attractions though because of situations like this. I feel I would be very embarrassed if they saw me glancing out of the corner of my eye at him. How do you all handle this who are more "out" than me? Does your family or friends comment when a really good looking guy walks by and by reflex you look at him without even thinking like a straight guy may look at a beautiful woman? Is it embarrassing? or how do you handle it? Or maybe they never say anything? I am just really curious since I am hoping soon to tell them of my struggles and want to be prepared for what life will be like when they know.

Monday, May 10, 2010

John Piper Video: Why is homosexuality wrong?

Last night I read a bunch of John Piper's blog and came across this video that was just posted in May 2010. Check it out if you have not seen it. (You can read the transcript here)

Its only a short 7 minute video but I just really liked how he laid out his beliefs on this issue and how he seemed very empathetic with what those of us who struggle with SSA go through. Plus I just liked hearing how he does not see it as the worst of all sins like alot of churches seem to but as "a part of a brokenness that I share." I have never read his famous book "Desiring God" but have heard great things about it. I think I am going to order it soon!

Anyways there are a bunch of great things on John Piper's blog if you have never checked it out. Not just on homosexuality but on tons of topics.

Friday, May 7, 2010

What You Already Own

Thanks for anyone who prayed for me after my last post. I am feeling alot better today. I woke up this morning and the sun was shining the birds were singing and I was thankful to be alive. I really think I have to step away from thinking about this struggle so much. It has been consuming my every thought for the last couple of weeks. So I am going to take a break from posting for a few days and just be with the Lord and forget my problems. Its just all of this is pretty new for me because I have been in denial for years and have never talked about this stuff with anyone before I found your blogs and started posting here about a month ago. So reading everyones blogs, posting, and chatting over this last month has just been alot to digest. Although I have struggled with SSA since age 12 or 13 I have only really finally admitted to myself about my attractions recently and been dealing with this part of me for a month while most of you have been dealing with it for years. So all of this information is overwhelming for me sometimes.

Often I wish I would have had the courage to face this years ago instead of hating myself so much for having these same sex attractions that I buried it and could not face it. But I am thankful that God is helping me to start to deal with this now. I guess I am finally ready to process this. I mean just two months ago I would be absolutely horrified to be writing this stuff and admitting this huge struggle of mine. So I must be slowly growing a little of least right? Before finding these blogs a month ago I always figured I was the only Christian that struggled with this yet still was trying to live for God. Satan whispered to me for years that no one could ever understand or love me if they knew. I realize now he did that to isolate me so he could toy with me and tempt me with ease. I just have to realize it takes time to digest some of this stuff and I cant expect to just instantly be able to process everything and tell everyone I know of my struggle. God is definitely working in me though and helping me to realize how much He loves me and how I should not be so afraid to tell others in my life so I dont have to battle on my own. If God can still love me even though he knows everything about me and knows how I have failed so much than surely others can love me too!

I have been reading the Bible, listening to worship music and trying to get my mind off my problems alot since my last post. As I said earlier in the week I am reading through Romans right now. Well I just read Romans 12:1-2 and was really moved to prayer. Here it is:

1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Here is the prayer that I wrote in my journal and prayed after reading these verses:

"Lord I give you freely what you already own anyways, my body, and thank you for creating it. I am sorry I have not done the best job taking care of your creation and that it is so sinful and confused. Please take me as I am and transform me into the person you want me to be. If these same sex attractions are never to leave me help me to accept them as a weakness or thorn that you want me to have in order to show my faith and love to You all the more by resisting the things that my body may want. I cant do it on my own Lord so help me depend on you to get me through the temptations that the Enemy tries to place before me. Use my struggle to help me glorify, love, praise, and depend on you more than I would if I did not struggle with this. If you do see fit to someday heal me Father help me never forget the lessons I am learning now about trusting You no matter what. I love you Lord and I am sorry for sometimes doubting You and for my many sins and weaknesses. I am so unworthy of your love and yet you love me even more than I will probably ever realize."

Once again I thank you all for the prayers, encouragement, and advice you have given me. We are all at different stages on this journey and its great to be able to get advice and prayers from each other! God has blessed me by letting me get to know you through your posts and blogs.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Hey all. I just really need your prayers right now. I feel so overwhelmed with life and my struggles. I am afraid to tell others of my struggles with SSA, and afraid to keep it in. I feel like I waited to long and now its impossible to tell people. They will think I am strange for waiting so long to admit this. I dont feel like a man but a child. I feel like my whole life has been spent in hiding and I dont know how to un-hide.

I sometimes wish I could go back in time and try to re-live my life with what I now know. I gotta stop doing that as it just drives me crazy thinking how things could be different. I have to forget the past pain and loneliness and try to make future joy. I just hope I can someday find some happiness and peace. And I really dont even know where to start which is one of the reasons I am so overwhelmed. I do know I need to form closer relationships with other Christians though. Please pray for me that God will lead me to some Christians that I can form closer relationships with and that I can find some peace. I just am so confused about everything.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Wandering Thoughts for May 3

Hey everyone just figured I would post a little update on some past posts to try and get me to do some things and update you on whats been going on in my oh so exciting life lol. If this is boring I apologize.

1. I have not been doing a good job reading John Owen's book like I said I would. Sometimes my eyes seem to glaze over while reading it and I find I have to re-read what I just read. This is terrible as its really good but for some reason my mind seems to get distracted when I read it. I have to pick a time when I am very alert and can really focus on it.

2. I finished reading the book of Psalms last week. I really enjoyed reading it and learned so much of Gods love for us! It also was really amazing to see the Psalmists cry out to God and not give up praying even when they were faced with overwhelmingly difficult situations and it seemed God was not hearing them. I am glad I am not the only one who sometimes has doubts and pleads with God! If God saw fit to include it in the Bible you know its a normal part of being human. It also was so encouraging to see even with the doubts and struggles how the Psalmists still kept on loving and believing God and how even when they failed God still kept loving them and forgiving them! As I read through Psalms I wrote down in my journal some of my favorite verses from Psalms and there were tons of them! There are pages and pages in my journal with nothing but verses from Psalms written on them. It slowed me down a bit writing them down but i find when I write I absorb what I am reading better and seeing my favorite verses written in my own hand writing makes it seem more personal. Does that make any sense? It is probably the first time I have read the entire book of Psalms. I have never been very faithful at reading the Bible. That is something I am striving to change. In church this week the sermon was all about the importance of reading the Bible and how it changes you. This sermon could not have come at a better time as it encouraged me to keep reading. After I finished Psalms last week I decided to read Romans. I am on Chapter 9 now. I think I have decided Paul is my hero.

3. Thanks to God I am still doing good on the porn front despite my recent temptations. My sleep has been better and my dreams are forgettable which is good. Every day is a battle but the past few days the temptations have been alot less!

4. I still have not told anyone about my SSA struggles. I am having a hard time finding the right time. With mothers day this weekend it does not seem right either I dont want to be like "Happy Mothers day! BTW I like guys!" lol. Not that she will be the first person I tell but it just seems like a bad weekend. Or maybe I am just using it as yet another excuse not to open up? I dont know. I intend to follow some of the advice that you all gave me. And really would like to tell my brother of my struggle sooner rather than later. I ask for prayer for me on this front that I have courage and that I am responded too in a compassionate manner.

5. I want to thank Jay from for linking to one of my posts. There has been some great discussions in that post and alot of new visitors here thanks to the link to it! So thanks Jay and welcome all new readers!

Ok thats all for now. I want to thank you all for the prayers, encouragement, and love you have shown me. It really means alot to me and I thank God for you all everyday when I pray!

Your brother in Christ,


Sunday, May 2, 2010

My soul cries out

Really love this worship song by Gungor. I pray that Jesus is slowly recreating me into something new like this song says!

Dry Bones
by: Gungor

My soul cries out
My soul cries out for You

These bones cry out
These dry bones cry for You
To live and move
Only You
Can raise the dead
Lift my head up

Jesus, You’re the one who saves us
Constantly creates us into something new
Jesus surely you will find us
Surely our Messiah will make all things new
Will make all things new

Life is breaking out
Is breaking out
Life is breaking out
Is breaking out
Is breaking out

And love is breaking out
is breaking out
is breaking out