Monday, May 17, 2010

On the tip of my tongue...

Hey all just thought I would update you about the weekend. On Saturday around noon I talked to my brother on the phone and he asked if I wanted to come down to his house for the day. I said yes and thought this might be the perfect chance to tell him about my struggles with SSA. It probably would have been but I was not able to do it. My fears took over and I could not say the words. While I had a fun day at my brothers house most of the time I was there I was agonizing in my head over whether to tell him of my struggle or not. The whole day it was on the tip of my tongue and I wanted to spit it out but could not. So it kind of ruined alot of the day since my heart was racing and I was very nervous because this was hanging over me and I wanted to talk about it but could not. I wonder if he noticed I was acting weird for alot of the time? Many times I tried to begin the conversation but then I always changed the subject and started talking about something else because I was to nervous.

Man this is a hard thing for me to do. "Normal" people dont know how lucky they are. Its not like one day they have to get up and tell the world they like the opposite sex. I am shy to begin with and private so I hate drawing attention to myself and making this big dramatic announcement is not something I enjoy at all. Plus who knows the reaction. I think he will be supportive but maybe I am totally wrong and he wont understand at all and will think I chose to be like this. Plus I am not the best at explaining things and may stumble over my words and say something that he misunderstands. Maybe I should send him an email after I tell him with more details in case I forget to say something? Has anyone here ever done that?? Or maybe that would be weird?

This is really stressful and I cant wait until it is over with. Not sure when the next chance will come but I hope I am able to do it. I just cant even have fun hanging out with him at this point as I just spend the day looking for a chance to open up but then I am to afraid to when the chance comes. Neo has posted here several times that I may have to email him and say I have something I need to talk about in person that I struggle with as a way to force me to talk when I see him. I am seeing more and more that he is probably right as I just cant seem to get the courage to start the conversation on my own in person. Its weird as I have never had any trouble talking with my brother before but this is just something I have been hiding so long and been afraid about for so long that my anxiety and worry is very high and I am stressed to the max about it.

Your prayers for me would be appreciated as I am trying to finally be honest about this in my life but its hard for me and it may take me a little more time than I had hoped.

I typed up a bunch about Sunday for this post too but it made this post really long so I will post about Sunday later. But overall Sunday was a great day of peace and learning that I am thankful the Lord provided me after the stress I put on myself from the day before. More about Sunday tomorrow.


  1. Telling people, especially your family, that you are attracted to other men is not an easy thing to do. I remember how scared that made me. It's nerve racking. And I think your title is very fitting. I came close to telling one person or another more times than I can remember (always on the tip of my tongue).

    Anyway, I'll say a prayer for you. One, that you'll be okay about telling them if and when you choose to do so, and secondly, that those you tell will respond out of pure love and understanding for you.

    God bless ya! :)

  2. Thanks for the prayers Brandon! They are appreciated. Ya its definitely a hard thing for me to do. I know at some point I have to do it though because I am tired of always pretending that I am fine all the time and I really need the support.

  3. Maybe when you are with your brother you could just ask him to pray for you concerning something that has been bothering you a lot. When he asks what it is tell him as briefly as you can what it is. If you guys have ever prayed together before this would be even easier and if not it will make him feel good that you want to share with him. Might just open a door that will be crucial in the future for you. Not sure about an email or letter, he needs to read the expression on your face and the tone of your voice, he will see how deeply it affects you. If someone asked me to pray and shared face to face I couldn't help but accept them and love them. Just some thoughts.

  4. Thanks for the advice Stan! Glad you are back have missed reading your posts here and on your blog!