Hi all. Just figured I would post again and give you an update about my weekend after not posting for awhile other than that video I posted last night. I spent alot of time reading the Bible and listening to worship music over the weekend. I also am reading "Cries of the Heart" by Ravi Zacharias and am finding it really good and learning alot. Overall I am feeling really good and closer to God than I have in a long time! I hope this feeling never leaves.
I had a good mother's day weekend with my parents, brother, and sister-in-law. Was great spending time with everyone. We all went out to dinner for mother's day and of course the waiter was a good looking guy. It always sort of puts me in a bad mood when my SSA's kick in when I least want them too especially in situations like this where I am trying to have fun and spend time with my family. But I mean it did not really bother me to much. In the past I really would have beat myself up over having these feelings and it would have ruined my whole day. But instead this time I just sort of realized this is part of me for good or bad and its not to bad to just be attracted to someone as long as I dont lust over them so I did not let it bother me to much. I think I have come to this conclusion after reading the blogs of so many of you. So I thank you guys! I guess its just part of this struggle and I may have to always deal with it.
I am sort of glad that my family does not know sometimes about my same sex attractions though because of situations like this. I feel I would be very embarrassed if they saw me glancing out of the corner of my eye at him. How do you all handle this who are more "out" than me? Does your family or friends comment when a really good looking guy walks by and by reflex you look at him without even thinking like a straight guy may look at a beautiful woman? Is it embarrassing? or how do you handle it? Or maybe they never say anything? I am just really curious since I am hoping soon to tell them of my struggles and want to be prepared for what life will be like when they know.
AJ,
ReplyDeleteI have been enjoying your posts as well and it is great to hear you spent time with family over the weekend! Family is so important, especially as the years go by.
I felt compelled to comment about the situation you went through with the waiter, as well as your perspective on it all.
Attraction to others (regardless of gender) is a human condition. A human condition...that phrase bears repeating. All too often, in our own brokenness and due to the fact of all the odd emphasis and taboo placed on SSA in the United States, we tend to develop this warped view of how to handle lust and attraction.
Men are visually stimulated. Heterosexual men see females they desire and/or find attractive all the time. Many of them are married or dating and learn to find ways to control their actions and their eyes, but this does not get rid of the attraction. Rather their love for their mates and respect for themselves control how they act on these feelings.
For some reason, guys who struggle with SSA (and I use that term on purpose to emphasize the term "struggle" and the term "SSA") feel that they have to hide every single bit of themselves from everyone else and walk this path alone, forever. I think part of this is due to conditioning, family, church and many other things that build this unhealthy self loathing into them. While we should not neglect and welcome sin into our lives, how does hating oneself build us up and help us to live healthy and productive stories?
The way that I handle these situations is to speak to them directly when I am with my boyfriend.(that is a whole other can of worms we won't get into at the moment)When with family, they know my "type" and often will tease me when they catch me looking, but usually give me some space if I get too flustered by another guys presence.
I tend to either shy away from what I am attracted to, or directly engage with them, to get it out of my system and work through it. Once I see this is just another guy and relate with him as a person, I can manage that attraction and find a proper place for interaction. This happens all the time with my str8 friends and new guys I meet at church. It can be embarrassing, but it is better to live in reality than hide in fiction.
Communication, with ourselves, with others and those we love and trust is our largest tool in this life. Never underestimate the power of words.
Avoiding it will not solve the problem.
Running from our lives does not bring peace. I know this is a struggle for you and you are finding your way through it all with small steps and within your faith. I am praying for you man! You are not alone! Seek God's face in this. Do not separate yourself from other guys as if this was some strange, weird malady that is SO different and SO perverse and SO odd that they possibly can't relate. They are guys too. They struggle with their own stuff. It is all the same, just different tackle.
We are all in this together, man. Join in with others. The only reason we stay out in the cold is due to fear of joining the circle. Sure, we will face rejection and questions at times, but the more we isolate ourselves, the more fodder we give to the enemy to torment us, and the more ammunition we give small minded others to persecute us with their lack of compassion, knowledge and truth.
I want to commend you for sharing part of your story here and for the candidness and transparency with which you bring your thoughts, concerns and fears to the table. This is a HUGE step for you and I want to say that I am proud you are working through this, and honored that you let us be a part of it. Your testimony here will reach others in the same situations and will also help and encourage others, where ever they may be on this path.
Give me a shout if ya need anything. Praying for you today. Peace,
Daemon
Daemon seriously you rule man! Thank you so much for this really long and detailed reply! I am so grateful you took the time to write all this. Wow alot to think over and some amazing advice. I am gonna have to read this comment several times to soak all the info in and may reply later to some of it! Thank You!!
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, people rarely bring my SSA up if I don't. Even then, they will only bring it up in a private setting, not in public like in a restaurant. They understand that this is typically not something we want to share with the entire world, and they will usually respect our privacy. I actually find I have to be pretty clear before people understand that this is something I am OK talking about and being asked about. I don't know if my friends or family even notice when I see a good looking guy and take a look, but they've never said anything.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear you're getting over the shame of having feelings you didn't choose. It really is counterproductive to beat yourself up over them rather than just accepting them as something you have to deal with.
In my experience, the changes in life from people knowing have pretty much all been positive. I feel more fully known and accepted largely because people still treat me the same. It's just not a big deal to most of the people I've told, so it's become less of a big deal even to me.
I have to admit, AJ, you hit on one of the reasons I haven't discussed my sexuality with others. I really don't need people scrutinizing me for signs of attraction whenever I'm around attractive guys. I couldn't take it. I'd become neurotic or something, haha.
ReplyDeleteBut I do believe that the public response of your family to your sexuality (i.e. whether or not they examine your every interaction with hot guys) would be directly related to how novel homosexuality is to them. Novelty evokes curiosity. For my family (fundies that they are) I have no doubt that curiousity would get the best of them.
Neo, I was hoping you would reply! Ya I dont think I would want people to bring it up to me in public either. And I just cant picture myself not being really embarrassed if anyone ever said anything about me noticing a guy so I hope the people I know act the way your friends and family do.
ReplyDeleteYa shame is the perfect word for what I have always felt about myself when I have these attractions. Thats why I was happily surprised when I did not feel it really this time! God is really working in me, I guess I am changing for the better!! If the attractions wont go then of least the shame of them are starting to! And that is really a HUGE burden that is lifting.
Great to hear the positive changes you have experienced from telling others. I know I have made it a bigger deal than it probably is because I have hidden it so long. I am definitely looking forward to being able to be more honest with others.
Ha I know exactly what you mean gaypk! I already feel neurotic sometimes that others can somehow tell my attractions so I cant imagine what I will fell once they actually do know! It will be interesting to see how I handle them knowing about my sexuality never-mind how they take it. I will get to perform a sociology experiment on myself. Hopefully I dont end up rocking my knees on the floor of a mental institute lol.
ReplyDeleteBut I do believe that the public response of your family to your sexuality (i.e. whether or not they examine your every interaction with hot guys) would be directly related to how novel homosexuality is to them.
I think it would be very novel for my family. I come from a really conservative background so not sure what will happen in regards to them watching my every glance when we are together. Kinda stinks that my particular struggle is so easy for others to spot if they look. I keep thinking of it in terms of an alcoholic. It would be like if you were an alcoholic and having a family member taste all your drinks to make sure there is no alcohol in them because they dont trust you. But I guess I should not judge them since not sure how they will react maybe it will be like Neo's family! Thats what I pray for.
Daemon said:
ReplyDeleteFor some reason, guys who struggle with SSA (and I use that term on purpose to emphasize the term "struggle" and the term "SSA") feel that they have to hide every single bit of themselves from everyone else and walk this path alone, forever. I think part of this is due to conditioning, family, church and many other things that build this unhealthy self loathing into them. While we should not neglect and welcome sin into our lives, how does hating oneself build us up and help us to live healthy and productive stories?
Ya you really hit on a great point Daemon. Thats what I have been doing for years hating myself and hiding this part of me. I sometimes wonder how many other guys at my church are like me? No one else has ever given even the slightest hint but I cant be the only one in the whole church who struggles with this as its a pretty big church. Maybe its like you said and there are others in the church like me who choose to hide it forever.
Your right hating myself definitely does not help grow the kingdom of God or make me happy either. Its something thats slowly starting to change in me though so I thank God for that! Satan probably even cheers me on when I hate myself because he knows it makes me totally ineffective in witnessing and makes me miserable. Anyways just wanted to respond to this part of your post as I really relate with what you wrote here. Thanks for these thoughts Daemon!
AJ,
ReplyDeleteIn relation to the "novelty" aspect brought up by Gaypk, I can relate to this directly. The acceptance and love that I find with and in my family is something that took time, communication and honesty.
My father is an Explosive and Ballistics Engineer for the Department of Defense AND a Baptist Preacher...lol
I grew up as a preachers kid and attended a VERY conservative private Baptist school from preschool to graduation and was heavily involved in church.
I was also lost and did not know Christ as my Saviour.
I knew ABOUT Him but did not KNOW Him.
In many ways I guess I did not have enough sense (or I had more sense than others, not sure?) to ever hide my attraction for guys REGARDLESS of what other people believed and taught. I have always been true to myself, even to a fault and simply came home as a child and told my mom I liked a boy in elementary school.
This began a lifetime of communication and dialogue between my family, friends and me on how to deal with this and the choices I made and lived out.
I never "came out" to anyone that knew me, because I was never "in". The only people I have had to inform in my life are new friends who are pretty clueless and just don't spot it. I admit I live a pretty typical guys life in my activities and demeanor, but this does not come from attempting to hide my orientation, but I feel rather, it comes from growing up well adjusted and not having to disguise myself and put on some type of show for others.
I am just a guy, who happens to like guys.
I hope and pray that in your journey and process here, you will find friends and partners in church and family to help you resolve the conflict you feel over accepting yourself and finding a way to live out your faith in an honest and authentic way that brings glory to God and lifts shame from your heart. We all take different paths, and no one can make these decisions and choices for you. Remember that!
Look forward to seeing you grow, brother!
Pax,
Daemon
"In many ways I guess I did not have enough sense (or I had more sense than others, not sure?) to ever hide my attraction for guys REGARDLESS of what other people believed and taught. I have always been true to myself, even to a fault and simply came home as a child and told my mom I liked a boy in elementary school."
ReplyDeleteWow! That must have been quite a shocker for your mom. Very interesting, though. I have heard of few people who were that authentic.
Wow thanks for telling me about your history Daemon. Thats cool that you are a preachers kid. Did your dad accept you right away when you told him of your attractions or at first was he upset? You had pretty much the exact opposite of my childhood. I too was attracted to guys while young but kept it all inside unlike you. I also went to a very conservative christian school but I constantly looked down on myself and beat myself up for feeling these attractions. This made it hard to make friends as I felt I was worthless and did not deserve friends plus it was hard to as I was always trying to keep this a secret so could not be honest.
ReplyDeleteSo now nobody knows so instead of just having to tell new people I have to tell everyone which pretty much is extremely stressful. I want to do it and be free but at the same time I am afraid to does that make sense? I just think the way people interact with me may change. Which in some ways is probably not a bad thing since I finally wont have to hide so much and can open up and form closer relationships. But still I am fearful that people may reject me and I gotta get over that.
Look forward to seeing you grow, brother!
Thanks! :)
Ya I am trying to grow but, I am so far behind everyone its embarrassing to me sometimes. Just reading this post I wrote is embarrassing since these are all things that I should have been able to deal with long ago. Oh well.
I appreciate all the advice you have all given me. I know I have to actually act on the advice though and not just read it which is the scary part. I do feel I am growing though as this incident with the waiter showed me. So thanks guys for your thoughts, advice, and prayers! They are having an effect and I am growing even if its slow.
AJ,
ReplyDeleteMy experience has been much like Neo's. My father knows about my attractions but he does not seem to notice when I glance at an attractive guy, probably because SSA is so foreign to him. My sister has never talked to me about my attractions but knows I am celibate, not actively having any kind of sex. She also seems not to notice when I spot some good looking guy nearby. In these situations I am certainly not staring or flirting, which actually would be crossing the line into lust.
Even my Christian friends who do know all about my attractions usually don't show signs of noticing my feelings around an attractive guy. Every once in a while my guy friends will actually move a few inches further away from me, not wanting to tempt me. Also, they tend to avoid going without a shirt or wearing tight clothes around me for the same reason. Thankfully, they DO express Christian love by hugging and sharing words of encouragement!
Thats good to hear MR that Neo's experiences are not unique! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDelete