Thursday, August 26, 2010

There is no use arguing with God

I am reading through Ecclesiastes right now. I actually finished the book last night. Really deep stuff there its been awhile since I read that book. Is it just me or is everything meaningless? :) haha. Anyways last night while reading it I came across an interesting verse that spoke to me. Here it is:

"Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny." (Eccl 6:10, NLT)

This verse just really made me stop in my tracks and think for awhile. Did God know before I was even born that I would struggle with SSA? Obviously He did since he knows all but its an interesting thing to think about. He knew I would have this struggle but still loved me and loves me anyways. Is it possible that no matter what had happened as a child whether I had tons of male friends, felt accepted, and like "one of the guys" that I would have turned out no different since God always knew I would be the person I am? What I mean is I spend so much time thinking about the past and how I wish things had gone different. But this verse seems to say that there is no use doing that or arguing with God about your lot in life because your destiny is already decided.

Of course this brings up the whole idea of free will. If God always knew I would struggle with SSA does that mean no matter what choices I made or what choices others made to include me I still would struggle with SSA? Its interesting to think about. I doubt I will solve these deep questions any time soon. Just thinking.

Also love the last part of the verse. "So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny." I took that to mean there is no use begging and pleading for God to change yours or my particular struggle. I cant even count the untold times I have prayed to God and cried myself to sleep asking for God to heal me of these same sex attractions. Like it says in this verse there is no use arguing with God. For whatever reason some of us struggle with SSA and its our burden to bear. Everyone has some struggle that they have and God must think that we can handle it and that it will teach us to trust in Him. If we each did not have our own particular struggle we may never learn to have this trust and our faith would not grow. Luckily God does not leave us alone to carry our burdens but helps us!

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” "
(Matt 11: 28-30, NLT).

So what I have to learn to do is to really give Jesus my heavy bag of burdens and let Him deal with it. I cant beat myself up so much when I fail and I have to try not to be prideful when I have success. He took all my burdens on the cross when He died for me anyways. So why do I still drag them behind me like I am chained to a boulder?

Sure this burden is still there and may be with me for life but I am starting to find some form of healing by just talking about it with others on my blog and elsewhere and not keeping it all in. It turns out God is healing me after all. Its just not in the ways I ever would have expected. But God always manages to surprise us doesn't He?

Anyways thats what I got from these verses. Whats your opinion? What do you think that Ecclesiastes 6:10 means? Do you agree with my conclusions or is my interpretation of the verse wrong?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Strange Dream

Hmm I had a strange dream last night. Its probably not much of anything but since I remember it and its so strange i figured I would post it. Maybe someone who reads my blog is a master dream interpreter and will know what if anything it means :) . It may be kind of a boring dream though but it was just so weird and I dont remember many of my dreams so this stood out to me.

Ok for some reason in my dream I was growing white facial hair. It was really like super long stubble that was white growing out of my face. It was not like a normal beard but rather like longer than normal white stubble growing. It was painful and my face hurt from it and others in my dream were telling me to cut it off. So in my dream I cut the strange white hair/stubble off with a razor and the pain went away. Then I woke up.

Of course I felt my face when I woke up to make sure everything was ok and before I could fall asleep again I had to look in the mirror to make sure I did not have a white beard all of a sudden or anything lol. Yea I told you it was strange. Dont know if there is any meaning at all or just a random strange dream. Anyone have any ideas? :)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I need your touch

"I'm crying out come rescue me with love. Like a child needs a night-light in the dark. Lord light me up I'm lovesick for just one touch. Your all I need but you never seem to be enough"
Tenth Avenue North

Hey all sorry for not posting lately. You may remember a month or two back I posted how I thought I finally had my masturbation struggles sort of under control. Well those days are long gone and I struggle with it often now. I also want to confess that I gave into looking at porn for the first time in awhile last week. That of course made me feel like crap for a little while too. But I prayed and asked for forgiveness and told my accountability partner and thankfully got over the guilt and shame I was feeling. Psalm 130 is a passage that really encouraged me.

I dont know I am realizing that its when I am feeling lonely that I am the weakest. The problem is I am lonely most of the time. I just cant seem to get the close relationships with others that I want. Sometimes I feel like my only purpose in life is to be an example of a lonely person to make other Christians grateful for their families and close friends. I know thats wrong but at times I think it anyways. I just cant get over my fears of opening up and letting myself be vulnerable to others. I am afraid of being rejected and judged. The thing is I want to be vulnerable but just dont know how to start.

This past weekend was good though but made me realize all I miss out on. We had a family reunion and there were lots of hugs and physical contact and stuff. It just made me realize how much I crave human touch. I dont get it often at all since I dont have many close friends. When I am craving it I find I end up trying to fulfill my cravings myself by masturbating and/or looking at porn. Dont really know what to do to fulfill this human need of touch. A handshake is not enough I want hugs and real intimate contact like rubbing each others back, and resting my head on their shoulders and stuff like that. I dont know I am just pathetic at making close friends where we would be comfortable doing this I guess.

Ya I know God should be enough much like it says in this song. He should be enough but as humans we are weak and seem to need more. But God made humans this way to crave touch. He probably did that for a reason since He knew we will need to comfort and be close to eachother to get through this hard life. I have been pretending I am not human and dont need these close relationships for so long its hard to transition out of it and be human and vulnerable to others. I so want to. But its hard.

So anyways please pray for me that I can resist trying to fulfill my need for close relationships and human touch with other things like porn and masturbation.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Ravi Zacharias on Homosexuality and the Christian

This video is from 2009 so may be old but its new for me so I wanted to share it. Someone from the audience asked Ravi Zacharias a question about being a Christian and homosexuality and I just really liked his answer. He was honest and logical with his beliefs yet still showed compassion and understanding for those that struggle with this. If you have some time give this video a look.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Your Love is Strong

Last week I went to a big christian music festival and had the chance to see Jon Foreman perform this song live. It really spoke to me so much. It was such a beautiful setting in the mountains with dragonflys flying around and hawks flying above and nature everywhere. Anyways this song just really spoke to me when I saw it performed in person so I wanted to share it with you all here! I took a video of him performing it too that I posted on Facebook. I tried to post it here but it said the filesize was to big. So if you are my friend on Facebook check it out!

Gods love is stronger than all my fear, pain, rejection, and yes even my sin! Its incredible that He loves us so much. Why do I worry about things so much when the God who created the universe cares for me so much? If only I could really learn to accept his love and acceptance completely. Life would be so much easier if I could just truly not only know these things about Gods love but accept them completely and live like its really true.

Lord help me to accept your insane and crazy love for me. A love I do not deserve at all and yet you shower it upon me every day with the beauty of your creation. Every breath I take is another sign of your love. Help me never to forget your love for me. As this song says:
Forgive me a weary sinner
Keep me far away from my vices
Deliver me from these prisons that I helped to create for myself.

I love you Father!

Your Love is Strong
by: Jon Foreman

Heavenly father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world
And in my life

You give me the food I need
To live through today
Forgive me as I forgive
The people that wrong me

Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place

I walk to the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed then any girl
On her wedding day

So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need!

- Chorus -

Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found

Two things you told me
That you are strong and you love me
Yes, you love me

- Chorus -

Your love is strong

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
Deliver us from these prisons

Monday, August 2, 2010

Mistakes, regrets, and moving forward

I have been thinking alot lately about mistakes I may have made in the way I dealt with my SSA all these years. Since I had never talked to anyone about my issues until I started my blog a few months ago I was just doing what I thought was best. I figured since I was attracted to guys then its obvious that I must keep away from guys and not form close friendships with them. I did not want them to find out my secret and did not want to stumble and fall with a guy. Well because of that I really have not had close male friends in a long time. And I am realizing from reading posts people have been making and chatting with others that I may have been handling things wrong. That not interacting with guys and not having close friendships with guys probably made my attractions and lusts for guys even stronger then they would have been as I felt like I was not one of them. This makes me really sad and hurts me deeply when I think about it. Because how do you make up for the lost time and experiences and growing up you missed? You can try but in reality you can't really. Of least not in the way it would have happened more naturally at that time.

One of my biggest regrets is that I did not go away to a christian college and live the dorm life with other guys. Once again it was a case of me doing things with the best of intentions only to realize now I was probably all wrong. I figured that I could not handle seeing guys in their underwear and undressing and sleeping in the same room and stuff for 4 years in the dorms. I thought I would be aroused 24/7 and never be able to study or think straight. I mean when you see straight christian guys attracted to females you dont see them go live with a bunch of them who walk around their rooms in their bra's to try and lessen their attractions you know what I mean?? So I figured I would treat males like straight guys treated females and not move in with a bunch of guys who I figured would cause me to lust. So I did what I thought was the right thing and picked a local state college to go to that I commuted to. I formed no real friendships there since I just drove in, took my classes, and drove back. Plus I think if I had told anyone there of my struggles they would have just encouraged me to act on them. I realize now that if I had gone away I would have been forced to be with other guys all the time and may have come to realize I am just like them and maybe been accepted and opened up more and felt like one of the guys. Maybe not but it could not have hurt.

Why did I let my SSA get the best of me and control my life? I was such a fool to let my struggles control me. So I am in this weird position of sadness over something I thought I was doing right at the time. I have to get over the anger I have for myself. Its like now its so clear what I should have done that I dont know why I could not see it then.

So where does this realization leave me now? Well glad you asked. What can be done now about the past? Nothing. I cant relive those years so I have to realize its useless for me to spend time worrying about things I may have done wrong in my struggle with SSA. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time so I cant dwell on it. I guess everyone hurts some time or another about things in the past. Its better to hurt than to be in the numb state I have been in for years (although sometimes i would prefer the numb state lol). So now I am trying to think of other ways to make close male friendships and relate with guys. Its ALOT harder now than it would have been then as most of the guys my age are married and far to busy with family life to form close friendships. Of least with a single guy. I notice married people have no trouble going out with new couples they meet but seldom go out with single people. I guess they think single people have a disease or something and dont want to catch it lol.

But I am going to try to go out of my comfort zone a little and reach out to people more.I am thinking of joining a small group at my church hoping that will let me get closer to people. Maybe that will be a way I can get closer male friends? There are not many other options really as I am kinda quite and have real trouble just introducing myself to random people. Also I have been trying to go to more functions like BBQ's and have been hanging out with acquaintances and friends of my brothers from church and that has been working too as I find I am more comfortable around his friends lately so I will continue doing that.

Anyways I am just thinking out loud to myself about my options of trying to reconnect with the male world. Forget reconnecting how about connecting for the first time lol. I definitely long to be accepted by other males and have male friends. This is all stuff I should have learned as a teenager but didnt because I felt different and separate from other males because of my SSA. Makes me wonder who would even want to be friends with someone as slow at learning basic life lessons as me lol. But I know thats just satan telling me lies. And that someone out there wants a new friend lol :).

If anyone else has any ideas or anything on making friends with guys or anything please post a comment.

Lord when I think about my past and the mistakes I made dealing with this and the way I let my SSA and fear control my life it fills me with great sadness and regret. I should have trusted You. Help me not to dwell on my past mistakes in dealing with this Lord. Instead show me the way to having the close friendships and acceptance I have longed for my entire life. Thank you Lord for having patience with me as I know it must be frustrating to watch me stumbling and messing up all the time as I try to deal with all my problems and sins. Help me not to deal with my sins alone but instead rely on You. I know that you are remaking me patiently and lovingly into the man you want me to be and I am so thankful I am learning these things now of least. I love you Father.