Thursday, September 30, 2010

Why are humans so cruel?

Ugh why are humans so cruel? Was just reading about this heartbreaking story on the front page of CNN about Tyler Clementi a freshman in college whose roommate secretly taped him making out with another guy and posted it on the internet as some kind of cruel joke for his friends to see. A couple of days later Tyler sadly committed suicide. This just breaks my heart. He apparently was still pretty much in the closet about his sexual attractions so I cant even imagine what it must have been like for him to endure this viscious and hateful invasion of privacy and have his deepest secret be made into some kind of joke by these cruel students in this manner. The insane pain and sense of being violated must have been immense and ultimately unbearable. This kid had his whole life in front of him and was an accomplished musician. I am just so sad about this whole thing. Its a tragedy that never should have happened if these college students who did this to him just thought for one second what they were doing and how it would affect another human being.

Lord have mercy on mankind for the way we treat one another. :(

Update: Just read this new article on CNN about Tyler's life. Sounds like he was a great kid with a promising future. Went to church every week and played his violin for the church services and he never told anyone in high school of his sexual orientation. Just never dated girls or guys. Basically except for the violin part he could have been me in High School. I think thats why this story is affecting me so much. Please keep his family in your prayers as I can not even imagine how devastated they must be.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Right in Front of Me

This song by Josh Wilson popped up on my pandora radio mix today and it just really caught my attention. Before I knew it I had purchased the CD on Amazon (It didnt hurt that it was on sale for only $4.98!) Anyways really powerful lyrics about wanting a miracle and evidence of God but realizing the evidence is all around us. It just really spoke to me so I wanted to share it. Alot of these lyrics would be a good summary of my life. Wanting a miracle and to be healed of my SSA thinking it would help me fully trust God. Yet at the same time why should I need something like that to trust Him when He has done so much already?? Just the fact I wake up in the morning and the sun rises and sets is a miracle!! Why should God have to prove himself to me when He already has given me and continues to give me so much??

Right in Front of Me
by: Josh Wilson

Some say we’ve all been searching for a God for years in vain
And some say belief is just the easy way around our pain
And sometimes I’d like to agree when they’re telling me that this is all an accident
Cause it’s hard to let this heart believe when my mind is screaming out I need more evidence

But do I really need more evidence?

I want a miracle, something impossible
So would you help me to believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me
Is all the proof I’ll ever need

I hear it in the winter wind that blows the icy snow against my skin
And I see it in that summer sun that rises high and then burns out again
And I feel it in my chest in the quiet moments that I trust in what You say

Would you help me trust in what You say?

Maybe this is what it means to question You and still believe
To search and still be satisfied, to know and yet to wonder why
To put my faith in things I doubt, to love what I can’t figure out
Maybe this is what it means

To want a miracle, something impossible
But have the faith to still believe

When You say everything that’s right in front of me
Is all the proof I’ll ever need
Don’t need a miracle, something impossible
That makes You easy to believe

When You say everything that’s right in front of me
Is all the proof I’ll ever need

You’re all the proof I’ll ever need
So would you help me to believe

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Thoughts on Healing

I just read a very good article on the Living Hope website written by Ricky Chelette titled "What Does Healing Look Like?" The article is about what healing from unwanted same sex attractions is and what it is not. As I have been learning and realizing more and more since I started my blog and started facing my SSA issues for the first time these attractions are not something you are likely to be healed from 100% in this life. The attractions will likely always be there to some extent because of the way they have been deeply imprinted within us in our developmental years. Some will have less attractions to the same sex over time and others wont experience much change in attractions at all. As it says in this article:

"Real healing is not the absence of struggle against lesser sexual desires, but facing those struggles, acknowledging their allure and immediacy, and choosing to obey the truth found in Christ and His Word. Real healing is predicated on a belief that the Creator knows what is best for His creation and has revealed what is best through His Son, Jesus Christ, and His Word, the Bible."

I really liked how in this article he compared this struggle with SSA to someone having diabetes as in its something you have to manage on a daily basis.

"In the physical world we might compare sexual and relational healing to someone who has diabetes. Diabetes does not often go away (though sometimes it can), but it can be controlled in your life as long as you eat appropriately, exercise, constantly monitor your intake, and submit yourself to the recommendations of the doctor. A person who submits himself to his doctor and disciplines his life will find that he can live a much fuller, happier, longer and more fruitful life. In much the same way, those who struggle with deep sexual and relational issues generally will not find their struggle completely gone. The imprints laid down upon the wet concrete of their formative years will not easily disappear. However, they can live in such a way as to not be governed by the impulses of their sinful, natural flesh and remain obedient to the calling and will of God in their lives. They can walk in freedom and truth!"

Like someone who struggles with diabetes some days are better than others but you always have to monitor yourself if you want to be healthy.

Sure God can heal people instantly of their homosexual attractions if He wanted to but it is more likely that God will use our struggles to draw us to Him and make us realize how much we need a savior. If He just healed everyone of all their struggles instantly would we really still seek Him? Or would life be to easy and our human nature and self reliance take over to make us think we don't need Jesus? Would we think we are entitled for God to fix every struggle we have? Just think how many times in the Old Testament God did some huge miracle like parting the Red Sea and then on the very next page you would see his people complaining and saying God forgot about them. I would like to think I am better than that and if God healed me instantly of my SSA I would always trust Him no matter what. But the truth is I am no better than the Israelites of the Old Testament. I am sure I would find something else to complain about in a short period of time. Questions like: "Sure God you healed me of my SSA but why wont you provide me with a better job? Did you forget about me? Why don't I have more friends? Now that I am attracted to women why don't I have a wife? Don't you love me?"

We will always have struggles with our sinful nature whether its SSA or something else. God never said anywhere that He would heal us of all our struggles in life. In fact everyone has some kind of struggle they have to deal with and a big part of being a follower of Christ is for us to have struggles but still try to live for God. I believe God does heal a small portion of SSA struggler's completely and instantly but I think the reason the numbers of instant healings are apparently so few is that if He just healed everyone of all their struggles with sin then life would be so easy we would not have to depend on Jesus. Rather than me trusting God AFTER I am healed I choose to trust Him now! If I just spend my whole life begging God for healing instead of living the life God has given me in a way that will bring praise to Him than I have wasted my life.

I admit I have spent alot of years and time begging and crying to God for healing and why it took me this long to face myself is a mystery to even me. But I am so thankful that God finally completely broke me one lonely and tear filled night in March which brought me to this point of finally admitting to myself my struggles and finding help online and in admitting my struggle to a couple of people in my life. Doing these things has helped me to find healing in ways I never expected. I still hold out hope to one day be more attracted to females and less attracted to males but that should not be my main goal. Rather as it says in the closing of this article:

"Real healing looks like you and me looking more and more like Jesus."

It should not be my ultimate goal to have 100% heterosexual attractions but instead to try and be more like Jesus. That is a goal that all of us sinners should be striving for!

Check out the whole article "What Does Healing Look Like?" on the Living Hope website its good!

Friday, September 10, 2010

From Panic to Peace

I just was having sort of a mini panic attack worried about all of my problems and wondering how I will ever fix them. It was complete with tears and everything. I know I have to make changes in my life to try and make friends and find some happiness and stuff but I am overwhelmed by everything. I have never been good at making decisions so I am stuck in this holding pattern trying to figure out what to do next. Sometimes it seems like my whole life has just been one big holding pattern. Wish God would just yell into my ear and tell me what to do since I am so dense and confused. Anyways in the midst of my tears and anxiety as I was praying and crying and hyperventilating I opened up my journal and my finger landed on this verse I wrote down back on January 18.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
(John 14:27)

This is just what I I needed to hear at that moment and calmed me. For now of least I feel peace. Still have alot to think about but I am going to try not to worry to much and try not to be afraid of all the confusion and loneliness and things I have to do to reach out to people better. My life is in Gods hands and I know He will guide me and help me be the person he wants me to be. I have to trust Him that he will bring people into my life who would be good friends to me. Why am I so fearful all the time when the God who created the universe is by my side?

After reading that verse in my journal I was just thinking back to where I was in January when I wrote this verse down compared to where I am now. Back then no one in the entire world knew of my struggles with SSA and no one would for a few more months. It never would have crossed my mind to start this blog or to be talking to other christian guys who struggle like I do as I always assumed I was alone. When I look back to where I was then to now I can really see that God has been working in my life. There is no other explanation as I was dead set on going to my grave never letting others know of my secret struggle. Then God led me to the blogs after a really dark and lonely night in March and I opened up finally about my struggles to you all and you have given me so much advice, help, courage, and prayers. Way more than I ever could have dreamed. And through talking to you I got the courage to tell my brother and his wife which was an amazing and very scary thing. Still cant believe I actually did that when I think about it. I never would have done it if not for the advice some of you gave me. All of those things were scary too. First searching for other christians online who struggled like me. Then commenting on their blogs. Then starting my own blog and finally being honest about my struggles on my blog and then in my life. I was scared then too (and completely terrified when I told my brother) but God used it for good and gave me courage I never could have found on my own to get through the fear. God has brought me this far I know he will not abandon me now!!

Lord help me not to be so afraid. Help me to make decisions on what to do and how to make close friends. Help me not to get to worried or stressed out about my struggles with SSA and loneliness and please let me feel your love when I am feeling alone. Please give me peace and courage to move forward and get out of this holding pattern I seem to be in. I am sorry I am such a slow learner and make so many mistakes. Thanks for loving me anyways and thanks for showing me that verse tonight and calming my anxiety and worry. I love you Father.

Monday, September 6, 2010


Hey guys I was just wondering is there any hope of one day being more attracted to females? I read books like "The Broken Image" by Leanne Payne and it just confuses me even more as she seems to say if you say some special prayer and go to lots and lots of intense counseling sessions and spends lots of money your attractions will change. But then I read on other sites how even married guys with SSA are still attracted to guys more than woman.

Or should I just give up on that hope? I am so confused about things. Some days I have a slight attraction to a woman where I am like wow she is beautiful but its never anywhere near my attraction for guys and always fleeting. Its like I dont feel I deserve to be attracted to females or something. Like I dont think I am man enough for them. Sometimes I wonder if when I was a teenager I worried myself into having SSA because I did not feel accepted by others. I remember thinking often "What if I am gay?" because I was not dating girls like other guys and was not attracted to them.

I am just so sick of all this. Every day is a battle and I am always finding myself thinking about my attractions and how best to battle them. Other guys my age are happily married with families and they never have to worry about their sexuality at all. In fact it seems they have no worries at all sometimes compared to me. I know this is not true and they have plenty of worries but I guess I still think it at times. Married guys do have to worry of being able to provide financially for their family but all those worries seem worth it since they have a loving family and a reason to work hard and something to come home to at the end of the day other than an empty, lonely house.

If I could just live the life of a straight guy for one week and not have to think about my sexuality at all and just be a normal guy it would be the best week of my life and for them it is just an average ho-hum week. I hope they realize how God has blessed them and how lucky they are.

There does not seem to be much to look forward to if I am going to be like this my entire life. Just loneliness. I had a bad day yesterday at church where I was seeing all the happy married couples. I almost cant stand to go to church anymore as I feel I will never be like most of the people there and they dont want to be friends with me anyways. They are far to busy with family life than to have time to befriend the lonely, sexually confused, shy guy. I know its wrong to be jealous and have envy but I cant seem to accept my lot in life yet my attractions wont change either.

Anyways dont really know the point of this post. Just venting I guess and wishing I was not me. I know there must be reasons God lets me struggle with this. I have posted many reasons why He might allow this in past blog posts. Its just so hard to keep the faith sometimes when nothing seems to be going right.

I could use some prayers if you feel like praying for me.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

You Make Beautiful Things

This song has really been speaking to me so I wanted to share it here. Hope it speaks to you as well. We can rejoice in the fact that we have a God who is slowly remaking us into something beautiful! Sure its painful sometimes but God never said life would have no struggles or pain.

I can rejoice and be glad knowing that one day my Father will finish what He started in me, even if it is not until I get to heaven.

Beautiful Things

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll even find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us