From Panic to Peace

I just was having sort of a mini panic attack worried about all of my problems and wondering how I will ever fix them. It was complete with tears and everything. I know I have to make changes in my life to try and make friends and find some happiness and stuff but I am overwhelmed by everything. I have never been good at making decisions so I am stuck in this holding pattern trying to figure out what to do next. Sometimes it seems like my whole life has just been one big holding pattern. Wish God would just yell into my ear and tell me what to do since I am so dense and confused. Anyways in the midst of my tears and anxiety as I was praying and crying and hyperventilating I opened up my journal and my finger landed on this verse I wrote down back on January 18.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
(John 14:27)

This is just what I I needed to hear at that moment and calmed me. For now of least I feel peace. Still have alot to think about but I am going to try not to worry to much and try not to be afraid of all the confusion and loneliness and things I have to do to reach out to people better. My life is in Gods hands and I know He will guide me and help me be the person he wants me to be. I have to trust Him that he will bring people into my life who would be good friends to me. Why am I so fearful all the time when the God who created the universe is by my side?

After reading that verse in my journal I was just thinking back to where I was in January when I wrote this verse down compared to where I am now. Back then no one in the entire world knew of my struggles with SSA and no one would for a few more months. It never would have crossed my mind to start this blog or to be talking to other christian guys who struggle like I do as I always assumed I was alone. When I look back to where I was then to now I can really see that God has been working in my life. There is no other explanation as I was dead set on going to my grave never letting others know of my secret struggle. Then God led me to the blogs after a really dark and lonely night in March and I opened up finally about my struggles to you all and you have given me so much advice, help, courage, and prayers. Way more than I ever could have dreamed. And through talking to you I got the courage to tell my brother and his wife which was an amazing and very scary thing. Still cant believe I actually did that when I think about it. I never would have done it if not for the advice some of you gave me. All of those things were scary too. First searching for other christians online who struggled like me. Then commenting on their blogs. Then starting my own blog and finally being honest about my struggles on my blog and then in my life. I was scared then too (and completely terrified when I told my brother) but God used it for good and gave me courage I never could have found on my own to get through the fear. God has brought me this far I know he will not abandon me now!!

Lord help me not to be so afraid. Help me to make decisions on what to do and how to make close friends. Help me not to get to worried or stressed out about my struggles with SSA and loneliness and please let me feel your love when I am feeling alone. Please give me peace and courage to move forward and get out of this holding pattern I seem to be in. I am sorry I am such a slow learner and make so many mistakes. Thanks for loving me anyways and thanks for showing me that verse tonight and calming my anxiety and worry. I love you Father.