Hey guys I was just wondering is there any hope of one day being more attracted to females? I read books like "The Broken Image" by Leanne Payne and it just confuses me even more as she seems to say if you say some special prayer and go to lots and lots of intense counseling sessions and spends lots of money your attractions will change. But then I read on other sites how even married guys with SSA are still attracted to guys more than woman.
Or should I just give up on that hope? I am so confused about things. Some days I have a slight attraction to a woman where I am like wow she is beautiful but its never anywhere near my attraction for guys and always fleeting. Its like I dont feel I deserve to be attracted to females or something. Like I dont think I am man enough for them. Sometimes I wonder if when I was a teenager I worried myself into having SSA because I did not feel accepted by others. I remember thinking often "What if I am gay?" because I was not dating girls like other guys and was not attracted to them.
I am just so sick of all this. Every day is a battle and I am always finding myself thinking about my attractions and how best to battle them. Other guys my age are happily married with families and they never have to worry about their sexuality at all. In fact it seems they have no worries at all sometimes compared to me. I know this is not true and they have plenty of worries but I guess I still think it at times. Married guys do have to worry of being able to provide financially for their family but all those worries seem worth it since they have a loving family and a reason to work hard and something to come home to at the end of the day other than an empty, lonely house.
If I could just live the life of a straight guy for one week and not have to think about my sexuality at all and just be a normal guy it would be the best week of my life and for them it is just an average ho-hum week. I hope they realize how God has blessed them and how lucky they are.
There does not seem to be much to look forward to if I am going to be like this my entire life. Just loneliness. I had a bad day yesterday at church where I was seeing all the happy married couples. I almost cant stand to go to church anymore as I feel I will never be like most of the people there and they dont want to be friends with me anyways. They are far to busy with family life than to have time to befriend the lonely, sexually confused, shy guy. I know its wrong to be jealous and have envy but I cant seem to accept my lot in life yet my attractions wont change either.
Anyways dont really know the point of this post. Just venting I guess and wishing I was not me. I know there must be reasons God lets me struggle with this. I have posted many reasons why He might allow this in past blog posts. Its just so hard to keep the faith sometimes when nothing seems to be going right.
I could use some prayers if you feel like praying for me.
Hey, AJ,
ReplyDeleteNot surprisingly, your feelings are very similar to mine. Regarding hope, I think there is hope. But not in changing your sexual orientation. Or getting married and having a family. ISTM that at some point we just have to accept the way things are and make the best of them. How you go about making the best of your situation depends on what you value.
Since you probably will never be comfortable with the idea of a monogamous gay relationship, that is obviously not an option. However, there are other options. One thing I've found is that there is comfort/relationships to be found at the bottom of the totem pole. People looked down upon by society can relate. Find a homeless shelter, an AA program, or any situation that puts you in contact with the people deemed insignificant by our society, and work with people who can't put up a facade of perfection. If you do this, I think there is
hope.
The middle class, married couples in your church are unlikely to ever form the kind of relationships with you that you desire. But if you reach out to the broken, despised people around you I think that your life may become a lot more meaningful.
AJ, I like gaypk's idea of reaching out to people who are struggling in other areas. Those people are often very needy of people in their lives who love and support. You could be a great encouragement for them, and they could bring your life a lot of joy.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you never will know if there are people in your church who would like to be close friends with you and support you until you reach out. I do have one piece of advice on that which might seem counter-intuitive. Look for a man who seems really joyful and on fire for God, who seems to live a very moral life, and who seems to care a lot for other people in the church. Basically, look for the guy who seems most sanctified, most dedicated to living a life of love and service. Hopefully, there is somebody like that at your church.
That is the guy who would be most likely to come along side you and support you, even though it is often hardest to admit to people like that that one struggles with anything, since it seems like they would be so disgusted and shocked by who you are. However, those very people are often the most full of God's grace and love. They may be disturbed by SSA, but their heart will be so breaking over your pain that it won't really matter. They will pour the love and grace of God into your life.
And you don't have to immediately admit that you struggle with SSA. Just tell them you're feeling lonely and would like to form some closer relationships with people at church. Your pastor might be able to point you to somebody like that, too, if you tell him you'd like to find an accountability partner or mentor at the church. I know this is all easier said than done, but you are fully capable of doing so. You just think you can't because you're shy, but you can choose to act in spite of your shyness. ;)
I have close friends today that I once thought I could never tell about my struggles because they didn't seem to struggle with anything. It would be too embarrassing. I thought they would reject me. But they didn't. In fact, they didn't even lose respect for me. They just supported me in whatever way they could. There are good, loving, selfless people in the world. :)
Regarding being attracted to women, try not to worry about it. Don't spend TONS of money trying to "fix" yourself. And try not to spend all of your time thinking about your attractions and trying to battle them. Finding ways of serving like helping at a homeless shelter would be great ways of getting out of yourself for awhile and into other people's lives.
Reaching out to other people builds confidence. If your sexual temptations are tied to insecurity and lack of confidence, they certainly will decrease once your self-confidence increases. In fact, you would probably benefit much more from counseling focused on building confidence and assertiveness than anything focused on sexuality. I think that is crippling you and stealing much more joy from your life than anything related to sexuality. I know that the most healing thing for me was just developing self-confidence. Then, I was able to decide that I didn't much care about "sparks" if I thought a woman was beautiful and loved her, and then I started noticing women more, probably because I'd stopped worrying. You need to stop daily testing your sexuality. :)
More than anything, you need to not have your life and worries revolve around your sexuality. Find clubs you can join, bible studies or small groups to be a part of, and local charities to which you can volunteer time. They'll keep you busy in the evenings, rather than at home with easy access to pornography. And they'll give you lots of scheduled time in which to develop relationships with other people. Building friendships is easy when you're both doing something together on a regular basis. That's how I've made most of my best friends: going to clubs together, doing homework together, eating meals together, etc.
Ya I realize its mostly my fault. I try to reach out but my efforts are probably not even noticed. I just suck so bad at communicating my feelings. Conversations seem to end quickly once I am involved. I can express myself fine online as I have time to think what I want to say. In person I get nervous and am always feel like I am hiding so people dont find out about the "real me". I am reading a book on shyness that has helped a little. I have to re-read parts of it I think to take it all in.
ReplyDeleteI think I have finally decided that I hate my shyness/ social anxiety even more than my SSA. The thing is I know my shyness has been GREATLY increased becuase of my SSA. In fact I think my SSA pretty much caused it. So the route of the problem is still my SSA even though its the shyness that effects me alot more in daily life. I just have always bottled everythign in to hide my SSA so now its hard to open up. I have to conquer one or the other Shyness or SSA if I ever want to find any happiness.
Anyways thanks for the suggestions gaypk and Tim. I appreciate you guys caring and taking the time. I am sorry for being so negative and depressing.
I hope someday sooner rather than later I can talk myself into taking up these suggestions. I know I cant keep living how I am absent from human love and friendships if I ever want happiness and joy. So something has to change.
Its overwhelming at times having this many things in my life to deal with. I know I should not complain though as some have it much worse.
I think Tim gave you some good advice. I'd reiterate that I don't think it's helpful to spend your time worrying about whether your feelings will change. Instead, work on other things in your life (notably your shyness as you point out) that do need changing. Your sexual feelings might change, but even if they don't, you'll still have grown a lot and will have an easier time dealing with SSA when it's not surrounded by so much loneliness and isolation. Having SSA doesn't mean that your life has to be horrible. Your hope should not be in heterosexuality but rather in Christ and his promises. That's much easier said than done, but I think it's a goal to strive for.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I though of - have you ever considered pastoral counseling at your church? That might not cost anything, and talking with a trained pastor or counselor may be a helpful way to work through the various things you're going through. Don't feel bad about needing or getting counseling - I've worked with a counselor a few times during undergrad, both dealing with SSA-related stuff and other mostly unrelated issues. For some reason there's a stigma against counseling in our culture that shouldn't be there. I'd just encourage you to think of it as a way to grow and deal with loneliness and shyness more than an attempt to change sexual orientation. You probably would want to bring up the SSA stuff fairly early in the process, but remember that pastors and counselors take confidentiality very seriously and won't share your struggles with anyone else. In many cases they have legal obligations not to share anything as well.
One thing my counselor and I found helpful, and I suspect it would work the same way for you, was for me to write about my issues and respond to what he'd talked about during the counseling session. I did this in between sessions and would show it to him during the sessions, which allowed me to do processing and thinking and to express myself a lot better than I could in persion.
Anyway, whether you take the counseling suggestion or not, I do encourage you to find ways to reach out and meet people and start developing some deeper relationships.
Your situation can improve! Remember that God is with you!
Don't worry about being negative or depressing. It's good to vent. I naturally tend to over-think what I'm going to say too, which makes person-to-person conversations difficult, although that has gotten a lot easier as I've done it more. One thing I had to eventually learn was to not feel guilty for venting to friends. I do that a lot these days, honestly. I always tell them to just let me know if I overwhelm them, because sometimes, I have a lot to get out.
ReplyDeleteAnd, just so you know, if your online personality is any indication, the "real you" is pretty awesome. You are a deeply caring, encouraging, humble guy. I don't think you would hurt a fly. :P And I imagine you would be an amazingly loyal friend and would never intentionally do anything to hurt somebody near you, even if they had really angered you. God has really blessed you with a lot of love, humility, and steadfastness. :)
AJ,
ReplyDeleteWanted to let you know you are in my prayers this week. I do not have anything insightful to offer about how you feel right now, except that you are not alone and there are many people out "here" who care about you.
If the people physically around you ever catch even a glimpse of the amazing, genuine and insightful guy you are, then they will see what they have missed in leaving you to your silence.
Look back at your blog, man! Read those first entries. Remember how hard to was to share anything at all?
Now...look how far you have come in such a short time! You are growing! I can see it. We can see it. Let this time move as it needs to and also know that this confidence and communication you are finding here will spill over into the rest of your life.
I believe in you. Peace,
Daemon
AJ,
ReplyDeleteI will be praying.
Although I might disagree with gaypk on a few details, I have done what he suggested, reaching out in friendship to needy or quirky people. People often compare my friends to granola: flakes, fruits, and nuts.
Actually, my friends are genuinely grateful for me, and usually not ashamed to express love in ways I doubt I'd ever see from "normal" people. They have an honesty and a humility that just inspire trust. There is something about people who experience social rejection that makes them value real friendship and loyalty.
Yesterday I felt so loved and happy when my close friend JK, who is deeply troubled, chose to hang out with me for hours. He told me he feels at peace around me, that I give him a rest from his worries. It makes me happy to be a blessing to someone like that!
Thanks so much everyone. I love you all. I am so blessed that God brought you guys into my life.
ReplyDeleteYour right Daemon I have grown some. I always forget that. I cant even imagine where I would be now if God had not led me to the blogs. Wherever it would be it would be in an even more lonely and isolating place than I am in now and still no one would know of my struggles with SSA. Of least now my brother and his wife know of my struggles and that is pretty huge.
I still have ALOT more growing to do though thats for sure. I hope I can find the courage to do it. I need God to give me the courage I cant find on my own. I have to learn to trust Him and not be so fearful. But yea when I look through the old posts I have grown alot. I was really desperate for awhile. Thanks for sticking with me Daemon! I guess thats the advantage to having a blog. You can actually have a written history of things to see your progress!
Neo ya I know you and Tim are right and I spend way to much time worrying about my attractions. There are some days where I still worry all the time its not pleasing to God that I have these feelings. I have to try not to think about it as much and just live. I cant change my attractions but I can make friends. Of course with me thats easier said then done lol. But I want to make close friends. I will have to think more about pastoral counseling. One problem is I am pretty new in my current church so I feel a little funny telling someone I dont really know all of my problems. But I know they are used to that. I have to think more on this if its something I want to do.
Tim (and all), Thanks for listening to my vents! :) Glad it is not to much or making you depressed. If I ever go overboard and vent to much please tell me like you told your friends to tell you! It is a relief to get it out even in written form. It just takes some of the stress away not keeping it all inside.
Also I know this is not very manly to admit but I kinda teared up when you wrote about the "real me". Thanks for writing that. You are so right that you guys all know the real me and yet still like me :). I actually never thought of it like that. Yea this is the real me that I hide from everyone. When you and Daemon put it the way you wrote it I realize even more how wrong it is to be hiding the real me. I hide myself for reasons I at this point dont even really know. I guess its habit and a defense mechanism and its a hard thing to change when you have lived your life one way for so long. I want my "online personality" to show in my life. As that is the real me. The me in person just has to learn how to show it to others. I gotta figure out how to. Anyways thanks for writing those things Tim they really helped my self esteem. I have to realize that sure I am not perfect and have struggles but I have things to offer to people and would be a good friend. Your right Daemon I would be a good friend if I could show others the real me and also they would reach out to me as well.
Anyways I just said a prayer thanking God for you all and all my blog readers. You guys dont know how much these replies meant to me when I read them this morning.
Just saw your comment MR. I am laughing about how people describe your friends as "flakes, fruits, and nuts." :) Your right everyone needs friends and people who feel rejected need them most of all. I definitely can relate with that feeling. Thats awesome that your friend was able to feel peace around you!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the prayers!
I'm a lurker on your blog, but really felt like I should respond.
ReplyDeleteWhen you said, "...I read books like "The Broken Image" by Leanne Payne and it just confuses me even more as she seems to say if you say some special prayer and go to lots and lots of intense counseling sessions and spends lots of money your attractions will change, " my heart ached a little. Advice like Ms. Payne's isn't of much help in cases like these, and often leads to further doubt and self hate.
It sounds easy, and I haven't been able to do it myself yet, but please try to leave this issue to God. I, like you, don't know what 'deliverance' for Him means. Me as the created and Him as the Creator probably have different plans-plans that will take me(and also you) in vastly different directions. God is not a sadist, toying with your emotions.
Try living day by day, pray for guidance, and most of all, try not to brood heavily over SSA continually (the blog is good... so I think you understand what I mean). Ultimately, let God lead and direct you-it's the only way you won't go crazy.
And yes, I'll keep you in my prayers.
Thanks Anonymous lurker :) Ya I think I am going to take a break from reading books about homosexuality for awhile. I read Desires in Conflict and Broken image one right after the other and like I said it was really overwhelming to me and confused me even more.
ReplyDeleteYa your right its best to leave it in Gods hands. I am going to try to do a better job of that. Anyways thanks for reading my blog, and for your prayers, and for coming out of lurker mode for a bit!! :)
AJ, you are the man!
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across your blog this evening and I think that God loves your humble heart. I know much of the pain that you felt when you wrote this post. I know the frustration, loneliness, and jealousy associated with your journey.
It pains me that God is outside of time so that His perspective sometimes seems to ignore the day-to-day suffering we feel as we grow in trust. But, Jesus lived within time so He knows our suffering intimately. He knows what it feels like to wait and to struggle.
Let me tell you, brother, there is hope! God may never make you a straight man but He can bring healing to your soul and vision to your life. As an anecdote, a couple in my church recently came alongside me and asked if they could pray for me. They invited me to pray with them on a weekly basis and they introduced me to the "healing prayer" that Leanne Payne talks about in The Broken Image. I read the book recently and I see the greatest hope in those accounts. NOT that God will change me completely and make me never attracted to men. He can do that, but it seems like He rarely does. But, He seems willing to heal the wounds of my past and reveal Himself to me in a new way. It's these forms of hope and healing that I'm delighting in. There's still pain in the daily struggle of life and its associated temptations and habits. But, most men with sexuality struggles have deep wounds from friends or family. It is a fearful and beautiful thing to pray with someone else through your darkest and most painful memories and to give them to the Lord. But, it's amazing to be free from the guilt, bitterness, and shame associated with most of those wounds.
I'm currently being mentored by a father much like Tim describes. He's so much of what I want to be someday. One morning, over coffee, he listened to all of my pain and frustration. He spoke hope to me. He had intense struggles with his sexuality in his teens and twenties. (I never would have guessed it.) He trusted the Lord, walked in purity, and found strength in fellowship with a few exceptional Christian brothers and older mentors. He fell in love with his bride and married her when he was thirty. It sounded like there are days when love is absolutely a choice, but I hear that from the dads who have always been straight, too. This man has a life that I would love to live. And, he has endured a lot of pain, questioning, praying and trusting to get there. Don't believe that God has promised you marriage and a great sex life. But, don't sell yourself short when trusting that God is good to those who trust in Him. There's hope that He will give you peace, whatever your relational status is.
AJ, you have a good heart. The Lord has placed it in you and He has given you the mind of Christ. That may not mean much today, but you will grow into a more complete understanding of what that means as you walk with the Lord. He is good, in spite of the pain that he allows you to endure. There's hope for healing in every aspect of your being. It sounds like the community you've found on your blog is offering some healing already. You write so well and with such a personal voice. May you grow in your ability to speak with the same quality.
You're in my prayers, brother.
Blessings,
Dan
Another "lurker" here, who felt impressed to let you know: lifting you up right now, AJ. God bless, and continue to turn your eyes upon Jesus, because it's All About Him and the victory He has accomplished already FOR YOU:)
ReplyDelete~Sister in Christ
P.S. I've been watching these seminars that have given me new "Jesus glasses". They are AMAZING, simple, deep, engaging, and beautiful! Most importantly, their All About Jesus, so I thought I'd share... http://www.sealingtime.com/multimedia/productions/revival/Lee-Venden/All-About-Jesus/index.html ~May you be blessed~
Hey Dan thanks for writing that. You are very kind and I thank you for sharing your experiences with me. Perhaps I was to harsh on the Leanne Payne book in this post. I was really hurting alot when I posted this so I may have over reacted to what I read. I do see the benefits of praying about the past and our hurts with others as you described it. Maybe I misunderstood what she meant in the book.
ReplyDeleteThats so cool that you found like a mentor to come along side you and support you. Sounds like a very helpful relationship to have.
Anyways glad you found my blog and thanks for the comment and prayers and telling me about your life too. Really appreciate you taking the time to write this and I thank you for the encouragement! I just said a prayer for you as well!
God Bless you as you continue on your journey!
-AJ
Hi Sister in Christ. Thanks very much for the prayers and encouragement! They are greatly appreciated.
ReplyDelete-AJ