Hope?

Hey guys I was just wondering is there any hope of one day being more attracted to females? I read books like "The Broken Image" by Leanne Payne and it just confuses me even more as she seems to say if you say some special prayer and go to lots and lots of intense counseling sessions and spends lots of money your attractions will change. But then I read on other sites how even married guys with SSA are still attracted to guys more than woman.

Or should I just give up on that hope? I am so confused about things. Some days I have a slight attraction to a woman where I am like wow she is beautiful but its never anywhere near my attraction for guys and always fleeting. Its like I dont feel I deserve to be attracted to females or something. Like I dont think I am man enough for them. Sometimes I wonder if when I was a teenager I worried myself into having SSA because I did not feel accepted by others. I remember thinking often "What if I am gay?" because I was not dating girls like other guys and was not attracted to them.

I am just so sick of all this. Every day is a battle and I am always finding myself thinking about my attractions and how best to battle them. Other guys my age are happily married with families and they never have to worry about their sexuality at all. In fact it seems they have no worries at all sometimes compared to me. I know this is not true and they have plenty of worries but I guess I still think it at times. Married guys do have to worry of being able to provide financially for their family but all those worries seem worth it since they have a loving family and a reason to work hard and something to come home to at the end of the day other than an empty, lonely house.

If I could just live the life of a straight guy for one week and not have to think about my sexuality at all and just be a normal guy it would be the best week of my life and for them it is just an average ho-hum week. I hope they realize how God has blessed them and how lucky they are.

There does not seem to be much to look forward to if I am going to be like this my entire life. Just loneliness. I had a bad day yesterday at church where I was seeing all the happy married couples. I almost cant stand to go to church anymore as I feel I will never be like most of the people there and they dont want to be friends with me anyways. They are far to busy with family life than to have time to befriend the lonely, sexually confused, shy guy. I know its wrong to be jealous and have envy but I cant seem to accept my lot in life yet my attractions wont change either.

Anyways dont really know the point of this post. Just venting I guess and wishing I was not me. I know there must be reasons God lets me struggle with this. I have posted many reasons why He might allow this in past blog posts. Its just so hard to keep the faith sometimes when nothing seems to be going right.

I could use some prayers if you feel like praying for me.

I need your touch

"I'm crying out come rescue me with love. Like a child needs a night-light in the dark. Lord light me up I'm lovesick for just one touch. Your all I need but you never seem to be enough"
Tenth Avenue North
Lovesick

Hey all sorry for not posting lately. You may remember a month or two back I posted how I thought I finally had my masturbation struggles sort of under control. Well those days are long gone and I struggle with it often now. I also want to confess that I gave into looking at porn for the first time in awhile last week. That of course made me feel like crap for a little while too. But I prayed and asked for forgiveness and told my accountability partner and thankfully got over the guilt and shame I was feeling. Psalm 130 is a passage that really encouraged me.

I dont know I am realizing that its when I am feeling lonely that I am the weakest. The problem is I am lonely most of the time. I just cant seem to get the close relationships with others that I want. Sometimes I feel like my only purpose in life is to be an example of a lonely person to make other Christians grateful for their families and close friends. I know thats wrong but at times I think it anyways. I just cant get over my fears of opening up and letting myself be vulnerable to others. I am afraid of being rejected and judged. The thing is I want to be vulnerable but just dont know how to start.

This past weekend was good though but made me realize all I miss out on. We had a family reunion and there were lots of hugs and physical contact and stuff. It just made me realize how much I crave human touch. I dont get it often at all since I dont have many close friends. When I am craving it I find I end up trying to fulfill my cravings myself by masturbating and/or looking at porn. Dont really know what to do to fulfill this human need of touch. A handshake is not enough I want hugs and real intimate contact like rubbing each others back, and resting my head on their shoulders and stuff like that. I dont know I am just pathetic at making close friends where we would be comfortable doing this I guess.

Ya I know God should be enough much like it says in this song. He should be enough but as humans we are weak and seem to need more. But God made humans this way to crave touch. He probably did that for a reason since He knew we will need to comfort and be close to eachother to get through this hard life. I have been pretending I am not human and dont need these close relationships for so long its hard to transition out of it and be human and vulnerable to others. I so want to. But its hard.

So anyways please pray for me that I can resist trying to fulfill my need for close relationships and human touch with other things like porn and masturbation.

On the tip of my tongue...

Hey all just thought I would update you about the weekend. On Saturday around noon I talked to my brother on the phone and he asked if I wanted to come down to his house for the day. I said yes and thought this might be the perfect chance to tell him about my struggles with SSA. It probably would have been but I was not able to do it. My fears took over and I could not say the words. While I had a fun day at my brothers house most of the time I was there I was agonizing in my head over whether to tell him of my struggle or not. The whole day it was on the tip of my tongue and I wanted to spit it out but could not. So it kind of ruined alot of the day since my heart was racing and I was very nervous because this was hanging over me and I wanted to talk about it but could not. I wonder if he noticed I was acting weird for alot of the time? Many times I tried to begin the conversation but then I always changed the subject and started talking about something else because I was to nervous.

Man this is a hard thing for me to do. "Normal" people dont know how lucky they are. Its not like one day they have to get up and tell the world they like the opposite sex. I am shy to begin with and private so I hate drawing attention to myself and making this big dramatic announcement is not something I enjoy at all. Plus who knows the reaction. I think he will be supportive but maybe I am totally wrong and he wont understand at all and will think I chose to be like this. Plus I am not the best at explaining things and may stumble over my words and say something that he misunderstands. Maybe I should send him an email after I tell him with more details in case I forget to say something? Has anyone here ever done that?? Or maybe that would be weird?

This is really stressful and I cant wait until it is over with. Not sure when the next chance will come but I hope I am able to do it. I just cant even have fun hanging out with him at this point as I just spend the day looking for a chance to open up but then I am to afraid to when the chance comes. Neo has posted here several times that I may have to email him and say I have something I need to talk about in person that I struggle with as a way to force me to talk when I see him. I am seeing more and more that he is probably right as I just cant seem to get the courage to start the conversation on my own in person. Its weird as I have never had any trouble talking with my brother before but this is just something I have been hiding so long and been afraid about for so long that my anxiety and worry is very high and I am stressed to the max about it.

Your prayers for me would be appreciated as I am trying to finally be honest about this in my life but its hard for me and it may take me a little more time than I had hoped.

I typed up a bunch about Sunday for this post too but it made this post really long so I will post about Sunday later. But overall Sunday was a great day of peace and learning that I am thankful the Lord provided me after the stress I put on myself from the day before. More about Sunday tomorrow.

Waiter, Check Please!

Hi all. Just figured I would post again and give you an update about my weekend after not posting for awhile other than that video I posted last night. I spent alot of time reading the Bible and listening to worship music over the weekend. I also am reading "Cries of the Heart" by Ravi Zacharias and am finding it really good and learning alot. Overall I am feeling really good and closer to God than I have in a long time! I hope this feeling never leaves.

I had a good mother's day weekend with my parents, brother, and sister-in-law. Was great spending time with everyone. We all went out to dinner for mother's day and of course the waiter was a good looking guy. It always sort of puts me in a bad mood when my SSA's kick in when I least want them too especially in situations like this where I am trying to have fun and spend time with my family. But I mean it did not really bother me to much. In the past I really would have beat myself up over having these feelings and it would have ruined my whole day. But instead this time I just sort of realized this is part of me for good or bad and its not to bad to just be attracted to someone as long as I dont lust over them so I did not let it bother me to much. I think I have come to this conclusion after reading the blogs of so many of you. So I thank you guys! I guess its just part of this struggle and I may have to always deal with it.

I am sort of glad that my family does not know sometimes about my same sex attractions though because of situations like this. I feel I would be very embarrassed if they saw me glancing out of the corner of my eye at him. How do you all handle this who are more "out" than me? Does your family or friends comment when a really good looking guy walks by and by reflex you look at him without even thinking like a straight guy may look at a beautiful woman? Is it embarrassing? or how do you handle it? Or maybe they never say anything? I am just really curious since I am hoping soon to tell them of my struggles and want to be prepared for what life will be like when they know.

Our eyes met across the room

Last night I was visiting with my parents and went out to dinner with them. Well as we were ordering this other guy around my age walked in to the restaurant with his parents and was seated right near us. It was a small restaurant and we where the only people there since it was early. He seemed to be staring at me from the moment they came in and he was eyeing me and looking at me the whole meal. It was actually more than just looking at me he was actively trying to get my attention. I guess he must have figured that not many single straight guys go to dinner with their parents or something? My parents had there back to him so they could not see all of this thankfully. I tried to just ignore him but every time I looked up from my plate he would be looking right into my eyes grinning knowingly at me with his eyes sparkling. At one point I sort of got hypnotized and stared back into his eyes before snapping out of it. As our eyes met he seemed to look right inside of me and I could tell by the look on his face that he knew the truth about my attractions that I always try so hard to hide. I admit I got kind of excited at the thought of this good looking guy apparently being attracted to me and my heart was leaping and skipping inside my chest. This has not happened often in my life that a guy was this obviously attracted to me as I am very careful to not give off any vibes.

After this momentary connection I did not know what to do so basically ignored him the rest of the dinner and just stared at my plate and fork even though I did not want to. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do? I hope I did not offend him. He was probably lonely too. But I really did not know what to do.

As we paid for the meal and I hurriedly left I couldn't help but glance over my shoulder one last time. In the car ride home I wondered what would have happened if I had shown him more interest back? Although deep inside I know its probably good I did not even though I wanted to.

Am I always to be alone? Why cant I have someone to love? I know that God probably uses my loneliness and pain to draw me closer to Him in maybe ways I would not be able to if I was straight but its still hard sometimes. I wonder if God has any kind of plan for me? I will just have to trust Him. If God has not abandoned me yet I guess He never will!

I sometimes think life must be so much easier for people that are "normal". Its probably not true but thats what I imagine. Who knows though maybe I would be a totally different person if I did not struggle with same sex attractions. Maybe someone that God would not be happy with. Could it be this very thorn I struggle with is what makes me realize how weak I am and how much I need Jesus? Is it possible without it I could be far from Him?

A day at the Beach

It was an absolutely beautiful spring day on Saturday. Pretty much perfect weather. I got the chance to go out by the ocean with my brother, his wife, and my parents.

I had a great time overall but this blog is my place to share my inner feelings that I hide and bottle inside so I know this is going to make it sound like I was miserable all day but I was not. I just wanted to make it clear that it was a fun time and these are just passing thoughts I had while I was enjoying the day that did not take away from the fun and good time spent with family that I enjoyed. Ok just wanted to make that clear. Now on to my thoughts.

As I said it was a beautiful Spring day and we all decided to meet by the ocean to enjoy the day. Anyways a little more about me and my family first. My brother is a few years younger than me and got married to a great christian girl about a year ago. I still cant believe he is married. Makes me feel even more inadequate as a man than I do already when I remember my younger brother is married and I am like this. Sometimes I wonder how he turned out "normal" but I am this confused mess. But I am so happy that he is "normal". I thank God often that my brother does not have to go through what I am going through. Also the fact that he is married and happy is great for my parents as of least they dont have to worry about him as much as I think they worry about me.

Anyways got to do lots of walking and thinking and got to enjoy the sun and amazing weather. Since it was so warm there were lots of couples out and about enjoying the day. I saw of least 3 or 4 gay couples. Its strange up until about a month or two ago I never used to notice but now I actually look to try and find them. I don't know why its just interesting to me to see what their life is like. I am not really attracted to females much at all but when walking around Saturday or really anytime whenever I would see a young happy straight couple I would just get this twinge of sadness and feel in my soul that is what I long for to have a wife and a family. It makes sense as that is what God intends for us, but somehow I messed it up, or my sinful nature messed it up, or satan messed it up, or something messed it up. Its kinda hard to start a relationship when I would be more attracted to a woman's ex-boyfriend then her. I guess I am just one hugely confused and messed up person.

At times on Saturday I felt a bit like the third wheel. I had my camera and I found I was taking everyone elses picture but was only in like one of the photos myself and I had to basically ask to be in it. No one ever said "hey lets get a shot of you and your brother" or "everyone squeeze in for this photo" instead I just took all the photos. Looking through the viewfinder as I took photos of my family I saw all the happiness that I will probably never have. The other side of that lens may as well have been 1000 miles away I felt so far from what they have. At times I felt like some sort of hired photographer that was just along to take photos of people I hardly knew or something. I know thats a terrible thing to say but thats what I felt at the time.

I hung out with them for probably 3 hours but did not say to much. Its probably because nothing ever changes for me so there is not much to say. Whats to talk about when I am always single, and dont have much exciting to talk about or many friends. Plus I am really quite and have trouble opening up so that does not help. I am not shy around my parents or brother but I am a little bit around my brothers wife still. She is great though and he is really lucky to have found her! I always have trouble opening up and communicating my feelings no matter who I am around primarily because I am afraid to let people in for fear they will see the real me that I try to hide.

Because of this most of the talking was done between my parents and my brother and sister-in-law. They talked about hoping to have grandchildren soon, about the new house my brother and his wife just bought, white picket fences, 2.5 kids and stuff like that. I guess thats good since I sure wont be providing any grandchildren anytime soon. I mean what do I have to say about any of those topics? Not much. So i just listened in and enjoyed the weather and watched the ocean waves pound the shore. And probably thought to much like I usually do (hence this blog post). :)

I pretty much just walked a few paces behind the four of them as we walked along the trail and felt kinda alone. Occasionally I would chime in on the conversation but I felt like I did not have much to contribute. I wish I was not a coward and could tell them how I sometimes feel: alone, left out, confused. As the day was ending and we got closer to the water the waves crashed relentlessly against the shore drowning out the conversation, the crashing waves reminded me of the confusing feelings and attractions always plaguing my mind and body that seem to drown out anything good inside of me.

I could not help but feel like all I did was drag everyone down and that they would have been happier and had more fun on this trip if I had stayed home.

But then who would take the photos??













Lord Jesus please take a hold of my drowning hand and pull me to safety from the storms raging inside my mind and body to Your perfect love.

Family Gatherings...A time to be grilled

I know that not many people really read this blog since its new but I have a question. With Easter coming up this weekend it is another family event where I will again get grilled about being single. I am at the age where it seems most of my friends are now married or getting married soon and even my younger brother is married. So I never know what to say in these family situations. What do you say to your uncle when he asks why you did not bring your GF or to your grandmother when she asks why I have "not found a nice girl to marry yet?" I usually just sort of nervously laugh and say that I have not found the right girl. But its always very uncomfortable and makes me feel defensive. Anyone have any suggestions on a good response? Does anyone else get asked these questions at almost every family holiday? Or maybe I just have a nosy family? :)

Sometimes I wonder if some of them suspect I have these homosexual feelings and may almost be making fun of me behind my back by asking me every time. I imagine that they laugh to themselves as I clumsily try to come up with some new excuse to answer the same questions every year. But that is probably just my imagination as I am sure in reality they love me and are worried I am always alone.

It seems I am the gay member of the family that every extended family seems to have of least one of (or of least thats the way it is in the movies). Pretty much all my cousins are married and some already have kids even my brother is married. Everyone seems as happy as can be. I know its never as good as it looks on the outside looking in (it cant be since a couple of my older cousins are already on marraige #2!) and don't get me wrong I am happy for them all but still I long to be like them. When the family gathering is over they all get to go home with the person they love and their family. But I return to an empty lonely apartment. I wonder if they realize how lucky they are?

Argh I better stop writing I am depressing myself. Sorry for going off on a bit of a rant.