It was an absolutely beautiful spring day on Saturday. Pretty much perfect weather. I got the chance to go out by the ocean with my brother, his wife, and my parents.
I had a great time overall but this blog is my place to share my inner feelings that I hide and bottle inside so I know this is going to make it sound like I was miserable all day but I was not. I just wanted to make it clear that it was a fun time and these are just passing thoughts I had while I was enjoying the day that did not take away from the fun and good time spent with family that I enjoyed. Ok just wanted to make that clear. Now on to my thoughts.
As I said it was a beautiful Spring day and we all decided to meet by the ocean to enjoy the day. Anyways a little more about me and my family first. My brother is a few years younger than me and got married to a great christian girl about a year ago. I still cant believe he is married. Makes me feel even more inadequate as a man than I do already when I remember my younger brother is married and I am like this. Sometimes I wonder how he turned out "normal" but I am this confused mess. But I am so happy that he is "normal". I thank God often that my brother does not have to go through what I am going through. Also the fact that he is married and happy is great for my parents as of least they dont have to worry about him as much as I think they worry about me.
Anyways got to do lots of walking and thinking and got to enjoy the sun and amazing weather. Since it was so warm there were lots of couples out and about enjoying the day. I saw of least 3 or 4 gay couples. Its strange up until about a month or two ago I never used to notice but now I actually look to try and find them. I don't know why its just interesting to me to see what their life is like. I am not really attracted to females much at all but when walking around Saturday or really anytime whenever I would see a young happy straight couple I would just get this twinge of sadness and feel in my soul that is what I long for to have a wife and a family. It makes sense as that is what God intends for us, but somehow I messed it up, or my sinful nature messed it up, or satan messed it up, or something messed it up. Its kinda hard to start a relationship when I would be more attracted to a woman's ex-boyfriend then her. I guess I am just one hugely confused and messed up person.
At times on Saturday I felt a bit like the third wheel. I had my camera and I found I was taking everyone elses picture but was only in like one of the photos myself and I had to basically ask to be in it. No one ever said "hey lets get a shot of you and your brother" or "everyone squeeze in for this photo" instead I just took all the photos. Looking through the viewfinder as I took photos of my family I saw all the happiness that I will probably never have. The other side of that lens may as well have been 1000 miles away I felt so far from what they have. At times I felt like some sort of hired photographer that was just along to take photos of people I hardly knew or something. I know thats a terrible thing to say but thats what I felt at the time.
I hung out with them for probably 3 hours but did not say to much. Its probably because nothing ever changes for me so there is not much to say. Whats to talk about when I am always single, and dont have much exciting to talk about or many friends. Plus I am really quite and have trouble opening up so that does not help. I am not shy around my parents or brother but I am a little bit around my brothers wife still. She is great though and he is really lucky to have found her! I always have trouble opening up and communicating my feelings no matter who I am around primarily because I am afraid to let people in for fear they will see the real me that I try to hide.
Because of this most of the talking was done between my parents and my brother and sister-in-law. They talked about hoping to have grandchildren soon, about the new house my brother and his wife just bought, white picket fences, 2.5 kids and stuff like that. I guess thats good since I sure wont be providing any grandchildren anytime soon. I mean what do I have to say about any of those topics? Not much. So i just listened in and enjoyed the weather and watched the ocean waves pound the shore. And probably thought to much like I usually do (hence this blog post). :)
I pretty much just walked a few paces behind the four of them as we walked along the trail and felt kinda alone. Occasionally I would chime in on the conversation but I felt like I did not have much to contribute. I wish I was not a coward and could tell them how I sometimes feel: alone, left out, confused. As the day was ending and we got closer to the water the waves crashed relentlessly against the shore drowning out the conversation, the crashing waves reminded me of the confusing feelings and attractions always plaguing my mind and body that seem to drown out anything good inside of me.
I could not help but feel like all I did was drag everyone down and that they would have been happier and had more fun on this trip if I had stayed home.
But then who would take the photos??
Lord Jesus please take a hold of my drowning hand and pull me to safety from the storms raging inside my mind and body to Your perfect love.
"Passing thoughts" is a term that characterizes the way I feel so often and relate to what you said. It seems that no matter where I am or whatever I am seeing or hearing or participating in I have those passing thoughts that cause me to feel like almost an outsider. Like you wrote, taking the pictures, viewing the happy lives of others but never being able to fully identify with them because of the pain inside, the feeling of inadequacy, the inability to fully identify with them. "Walking behind" also indicates what we feel inside, that idea that we somehow aren't worthy to enjoy what they are enjoying, I've done that.
ReplyDeleteThe Lord Jesus hears your prayer, I pray that you will feel His love and His strength taking your hand, stilling the storm. At times like this it is such a comfort to tell Him how I feel, the disconnectedness with others, the anxiety, the feeling I am less than others, etc. May God give you joy today to know you are loved.
Take good care my friend.
Thank you stan. It really is a relief to find others who know where I am coming from and what I am feeling. It is amazing to me that I am sharing these thoughts as for so long I have been hiding them.
ReplyDeleteI thank you for the prayers and you are so right about the comfort we get from being able to be honest with the Lord and tell Him anything. I would have given up long ago if not for His forgiveness, mercy, patience and unending love.