Did you ever just wake up depressed? Well thats what happened to me today. I was just thinking about church last week. As I have posted before I am a really shy person so dont have many friends. I really tried to give off a friendly vibe and try to talk to some people after the service but everyone pretty much seemed to ignore me. So I ended up just drinking coffee alone in the corner. There is this friend of my brothers who I have met before and I was drinking coffee after church downstairs talking to my brother and he came up and they were talking and I said hi and tried to work my way into the conversation but he pretty much just seemed to ignore me. I dont know that just really hurt me. It just seems that no one ever gives me a chance. I think everyone misunderstands me and they think I want to be alone because I am shy and quiet. The truth is I ache for friends. I guess people must be able to tell I am needy or something so they avoid me. Maybe I dont deserve friends thats what I sometimes think. I would probably just be a burden anyways. Its my own fault anyways for building up this wall to protect myself from letting others know of my struggle with SSA. The wall is to thick now I fear I never will break through it.
I'm just a coward. After all this time I still cant even get up the courage to tell my family of my struggles with SSA never mind anyone else. Although last week I came closer than I ever have to telling my brother and his wife after the cookout when everyone else left. But they had alot of work to do so I chickened out because I did not want to take up their whole day. I just dont like to be a burden and I fear our relationship will change once they know. It would kill me if after my brother knew we did not hang out because we are friends but instead because he feels bad for me.
Anyways I cant really think of a way to end this post. If anyone has any advice on how to open up to others and tell them of my struggles with SSA I would love to read it! Sometimes I just dont know how to start the conversation like I dont know if I should just mention it in the course of a normal conversation or be all serious and say I have something I am struggling with and need to talk or whatever. But any advice at all anyone may want to share on how to tell others about this struggle I would really appreciate reading.
Ok thanks for listening.
(Hey btw did anyone get the pun in my post title??) :-)