Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Questions with no answers

I dont know lately I am feeling very confused. I had a really good weekend, meet alot of new people, went to two BBQ's, church etc... I did not say to much as I never do but I still had fun and I did have some conversations and got to know some people a little better. While I dont talk to much I do listen. I heard a few gay related jokes at the BBQ's and it kind of hurt me a little. Of course none of them know that I struggle with SSA but it makes me wonder if they would even want to get to know me if they knew I struggled with this. I fear they would see me as some sort of freak. The jokes were nothing terrible but I just felt a little hurt by them. Its just that everyone at all these events I went to were married, engaged to be married or dating. I just feel like such a loser or something to always show up at these events alone. I imagine to myself that they look down on me and think something is wrong with me for being single while they are all happy with someone they love.

Sometimes I really wish I had pursued intimate relationships with guys in the past so I could know what it is like and be able to remember the time I spent with them. Than I got to thinking how I would have a better story to tell people now too about how I used to have sexual relationships with guys but now dont and how God must be working in my life. You know the typical "ex-gay" story that I hear about on sites like Exodus. As it is now my story is really boring and I have been the same way forever: single, celibate, and lonely. I am just a single, lonely guy that everyone pities but no one wants to befriend. Of course I know that God is probably happy I have not given in and had relations with another guy. I dont know sometimes I wonder. Is God really any more proud of me resisting these urges than he would be of a person not saying a swear or something? What I mean is it takes all my will power not to act on my feelings but does that make God happy or is He just indifferent about the whole thing and to Him its like someone not saying a little white lie or something?
I know these are terrible things to be thinking but sometimes I really do wish I would have been intimate with a guy in the past. I sometimes wonder why I even have a penis if I am going to be a virgin my whole life.

I am sorry if this post offends anyone. Just feeling really sexually frustrated right now and wondering if I can really struggle with this and keep up fighting my desires for the rest of my life. What is so easy to everyone else I know (getting married to a member of the opposite sex and having a family) seems impossible to me. I know on my own I cant and the only hope I have is God helping me if that is what He wants for me, and leading me to a woman who understands my struggles and yet somehow still is able to love me.

Of course I have to face the very real possibility that God wants me to be single my whole life. I really get panicked when I think of that. But I have to start facing it and it terrifies me. Who will nurse me to health if I get sick? Who will visit me at the hospital? Who will comfort me after a long stressful day? Who will love me more than any other and let me love them more than any other? Not to mention the needs we as humans have for touch which will be hard to meet if I am single for my whole life. The need for touch is already an area I am basically starving for right now, never mind 10 years from now! Just a few of the many questions swirling around in my head when I think of a lifetime of being single. But I have to trust God that if he wants me to be single he will provide even though to me it causes me panic and fear.

Anyways wow sorry for the brutally honest post I just had to vent and get my feelings out. Dont worry I am not about to do anything rash or foolish that I might regret or anything just thinking out loud.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Please Be My Strength

This song is beautiful and is my prayer for today. I know I cant do this on my own but need Gods help and strength always.

Please Be My Strength
by: Gungor

I've tried to stand my ground
I've tried to understand
but I can't seem to find my way

like water on the sand
or grasping at the wind
I keep on falling short

please be my strength
please be my strenth
I don't have anymore
I don't have anymore

I'm looking for a place
that I can plant my faith
one thing I know for sure

I cannot create it
I cannot sustain it
It’s Your love that’s keeping (captured) me

Please be my strength...

at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I've fought the good fight of faith

I pray your glory shines
through this doubting heart of mine
so my world would know that You

You are my strength
You and You alone
You and You alone
Keep bringin me back home

P.S. Just fiddled with the new blogger templates a little and picked this one. I really like how it came out! Simple and clean!

Thursday, June 24, 2010


Thanks for the recommendations and suggestions everyone to my post about SSA related books that I should read! Took me forever to decide which books to get. Hard to get a good feel of a book from the short samples they have on Amazon. Hopefully I made the right choices. I can always read the other ones later if I dont like these. Here are the books I ended up getting:

The Broken Image
by: Leanne Payne


Desires in Conflict
by: Joe Dallas

I will try to let you know what I think of them after I read them. I should be getting them from Amazon on Friday. Anyways thanks again for the replies and reviews you all gave me! Its appreciated.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Lifeguards on Duty

So went to the beach this weekend with family and it was fun and amazing weather. Only problem of course was all the good looking guys wearing nothing but their bathing suits. For the most part I was able to ignore my lusts though and just have fun and enjoy the day but on occasion I confess I did have lustful thoughts and stared a little to long at times.

There was this weird thing though where I was trying to figure out why I was not attracted to females. There were two lifeguards both probably in their mid 20's one male and one female. Well the male was insanely good looking almost perfect and I was really attracted to him. God really blessed him thats for sure! I mean I was so attracted to him I feared to even look in his direction because I knew I would stare to long. There also was a female lifeguard who I know would have been equally attractive to a straight guy. Well like what always happens to me and what confuses me is I can tell when a woman is beautiful but I just dont seem to feel an attraction to her like I do with guys. I wish I felt an attraction and I actually tried to will myself to feel attracted to her this time. Sadly I had no real success in that though. Its funny I actually found myself glancing at the female lifeguard more than the male as I was trying to figure out why I was not attracted to this obviously insanely attractive female. I felt no lusts or attractions for her I was just studying the female body and also studying myself trying to search for any attractions for her. Of least it kept me from staring at guys I suppose lol.

Well I did not come to any grand conclusions about myself but I thought I would share. Just thought it was funny I glanced at her more than anyone even though I felt no attractions for her and the guy lifeguard was perfect. Oh well just a day in the life of my confused mind and body I guess.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Anyone have any SSA book recommendations?

Hey all believe it or not I have never read any books on christians and homosexuality / SSA etc... Dont know why. I guess it was part of my denial/shame all these years. I have a $25 Amazon.com gift certificate that is burning a hole in my pocket so figured I would use it to buy a couple of books that may be a help to me instead of spending it on junk!

I was wondering if anyone has any recommendations on books about this issue? Here are a couple I was thinking about reading:

1.Growth into Manhood: Resuming the Journey
by:Alan P. Medinger

2. The Broken Image
by: Leanne Payne

Anyone read either of these books? Were they helpful at all? Did you experience any "healing" or whatever the right term is after reading them? Did you learn more about your self and this struggle? Were they a help?

If neither of these books are any good does anyone have any other book recommendations on SSA and homosexuality?

One problem for me in trying to find a book to read is alot of them seem to be for people who have been in same sex relationships in the past or currently are in one now. I have never been in one so not sure which books apply to me or not. Or maybe those books would still be helpful too?

Thanks guys for any recommendations!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Loss for Words

Hmm have not posted anything in awhile really. So much of my blog was about me trying to get courage to finally tell some people in my life of my struggle that I am not sure what to post lately now that I have finally told two people. I still have ALOT of issues I am trying to work through so dont worry still will be posting often. Have just been trying to enjoy this small success for a little while as its taken me so long to get the courage to do this.

Sometimes I feel like I have so many issues to work on it just overwhelms me and I think they should just lock me in a mental institute and throw away the key! I have my Same Sex Attraction issues, my shyness, lack of confidence, low self esteem, lack of male friends, poor social skills, loneliness, the list goes on and on... But really I think all of it has been caused by my guilt of having SSA. Just wish I had dealt with all of this years ago as I sometimes feel its to late now or something and that maybe I am to much of a burden for anyone to want to be friends with now. I cant picture anyone wanting to hear all of my problems. Dont really know what to work on next the list is so long. I really want meaningful relationships but it just never seems to work out for me. Whenever people ask about me its as if I am stunned anyone would care about me or want to hear my opinion so I am at a loss for words and end up giving short answers that abruptly ends the conversation. Not to mention I never like to let people in for fear they will find out about my SSA.

I am still confused as to what healing is in regards to SSA as well. Maybe just me finally opening up to others about it is a form of healing? I dont know I still wish I was normal I know that. Life seems like its so much easier and happier for "normal" people when I see them at church. Plus it seems like so much of church life is built around married couples and families that I feel left out. I hope someday I can finally fully accept myself and be more confident.

Oh and here is a sort of confession about something that hurts me and confuses me even though I know it shouldn't. Often times I hear people at church saying "oh aren't so and so blessed by God that they have a new baby etc..." And I agree completely and do think they are blessed and I am happy for them when I hear it. But then when I get home I tend to think to myself what does that mean for me?? Does that mean I am not blessed by God since I have these SSA issues and dont have a wife and kids? Does God for some reason choose to bless some more than others? I just think to much I guess. I know that God does not want everyone to have a family though so maybe for some its a blessing to be single. Honestly I have never felt blessed by it though. So not sure what to think.

Sorry for rambling so much in this post. Just had alot on my mind. So ya I have alot to work on. Luckily my problems are not to much for God even though they at times are overwhelming to me.

Lord help me not to be overwhelmed with all of my problems. Sometimes it seems unfair to me that I have so many struggles but help me not to focus on that but instead focus on the blessings you have given me. Thank you for giving me the courage to tell some others of my struggles with SSA and please continue to work on me and make me into the man you want me to be. I love you Lord and trust You.

EDIT (6:40 PM):
In regards to blessings. Maybe its possible that some blessings are just not as easy to see as others. Maybe God is blessing me and others who struggle with SSA in a different way that is not so easy for us or other people to see like having a baby would be. Maybe He blesses me by my weakness? Since it forces me to be closer to Him and depend on Him even just to get through the day much more than I think I would depend on Him if I was "normal". Maybe I am blessed more than I could ever dream in ways I dont even realize? Maybe I would have fallen away as a Christian and think I did not need God if I did not struggle with SSA since everything would be so easy?? To have God use my weakness and struggles that the enemy tries to use to destroy me to instead draw me to Jesus would have to be one of the best blessings anyone could ask for wouldn't it? I am blessed indeed to have a God like that who puts my eternal welfare first above temporary comforts and pleasures.

This entire paragraph above was not in my original post. The ideas in it just suddenly came into my head about an hour after I made this post after I had left the computer and was getting some food for dinner. So I ran back to the computer and edited this post before I forgot what was flowing into my head. Maybe it was God speaking to me and answering some of my confusion??

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Father's Love Letter- An Intimate Message From God To You

Someone emailed me this the other day and it really spoke to me. Its so amazing how much God loves us!! Figured it may speak to others as well so I wanted to share it here:

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications Copyright 1999-2010 www.FathersLoveLetter.com

Monday, June 7, 2010

I Did it!

Wow I actually did it! As you may know I had never told anyone that I struggled with SSA and honestly never even considered it until I started reading other blogs and groups and made my blog. I just figured I would be shunned and no one could love me if they knew. Several people who post here really encouraged me and gave me advice on what to say and told me it would really be helpful not to hide my burden from everyone.

Well I decided to tell my brother (who is a Christian) and of course was really nervous. On the drive down to his house I prayed the whole time for courage and for a compassionate response. I had emailed him in advance thanks to the suggestion of someone here and told him I had something I needed to talk about that I was struggling with. So I got there and he asked if I wanted to get it over with since he could tell I was nervous. For a few minutes I could not say anything but I finally managed to say somewhat what I planned to say.

Well it went way better than I thought it would! Instead of shunning me like I feared he showed me incredible love and compassion! After we were done talking he prayed for me and gave me a hug. And then what was even better is he treated me the same as he always did for the rest of the day when we hung out and went out to eat and stuff and it was not awkward or anything. It feels amazing to be honest about this and still be loved/accepted. Thank you so much for the prayers and advice everyone! This really has changed my life as I finally dont have to carry this burden on my own and have someone in person to go to for support and prayers. I told him he could tell his wife too and the next day I had a great conversation with her as well and she also has been very encouraging. I never would have done this if not for the support of people from here so thanks!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Crumbling Walls

A couple of months ago God led me to the blogs of other Christians who struggle with SSA. Reading the blogs and talking with others who struggled like me it was the first time in my life I did not feel alone in my struggle. It has given me courage that I did not even know I had and I have learned many things about myself and SSA. Well now God is leading me to the next step in healing. I am telling my brother of my struggle TODAY. He will be the first person I have ever told of my struggles with SSA. I am anxious, nervous, and excited. Dreading it, yet longing to be honest. I have no idea how he will react although I suspect it will go better than I fear. I am just trusting God that this is the right thing to do. I cant hide anymore from everyone and need the support of loved ones.

I am clinging to the promises of James 5:16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."
and of
Galatians 6:2 "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

I am really nervous about this as I have been hiding for so long. I would appreciate any prayers that you guys want to say for me that I have courage, can clearly explain my struggle, and that I am received with compassion and love. I wouldn't be doing this if it was not for the support you all have given me. God has blessed me by leading me to this community.

Well here goes I am off to his house shortly. I will report back on how it went when I get a chance.

P.S. I cant believe I am actually doing this! :)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Healing Begins

This song has really been speaking to me about how we should not hide our sins and struggles but instead share our burdens with other christians to lighten our loads as we strive to try and be more like Christ.

Right now I am in a battle with myself. I want to finally share my burden yet I am afraid. I know its something I must do as I cant keep carrying this heavy burden on my own without the support of others in my life. Maybe this will be the weekend my walls finally come down? I hope so.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
Galatians 6:2

Healing Begins
by: Tenth Avenue North

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark