Monday, June 14, 2010

Loss for Words

Hmm have not posted anything in awhile really. So much of my blog was about me trying to get courage to finally tell some people in my life of my struggle that I am not sure what to post lately now that I have finally told two people. I still have ALOT of issues I am trying to work through so dont worry still will be posting often. Have just been trying to enjoy this small success for a little while as its taken me so long to get the courage to do this.

Sometimes I feel like I have so many issues to work on it just overwhelms me and I think they should just lock me in a mental institute and throw away the key! I have my Same Sex Attraction issues, my shyness, lack of confidence, low self esteem, lack of male friends, poor social skills, loneliness, the list goes on and on... But really I think all of it has been caused by my guilt of having SSA. Just wish I had dealt with all of this years ago as I sometimes feel its to late now or something and that maybe I am to much of a burden for anyone to want to be friends with now. I cant picture anyone wanting to hear all of my problems. Dont really know what to work on next the list is so long. I really want meaningful relationships but it just never seems to work out for me. Whenever people ask about me its as if I am stunned anyone would care about me or want to hear my opinion so I am at a loss for words and end up giving short answers that abruptly ends the conversation. Not to mention I never like to let people in for fear they will find out about my SSA.

I am still confused as to what healing is in regards to SSA as well. Maybe just me finally opening up to others about it is a form of healing? I dont know I still wish I was normal I know that. Life seems like its so much easier and happier for "normal" people when I see them at church. Plus it seems like so much of church life is built around married couples and families that I feel left out. I hope someday I can finally fully accept myself and be more confident.

Oh and here is a sort of confession about something that hurts me and confuses me even though I know it shouldn't. Often times I hear people at church saying "oh aren't so and so blessed by God that they have a new baby etc..." And I agree completely and do think they are blessed and I am happy for them when I hear it. But then when I get home I tend to think to myself what does that mean for me?? Does that mean I am not blessed by God since I have these SSA issues and dont have a wife and kids? Does God for some reason choose to bless some more than others? I just think to much I guess. I know that God does not want everyone to have a family though so maybe for some its a blessing to be single. Honestly I have never felt blessed by it though. So not sure what to think.

Sorry for rambling so much in this post. Just had alot on my mind. So ya I have alot to work on. Luckily my problems are not to much for God even though they at times are overwhelming to me.

Lord help me not to be overwhelmed with all of my problems. Sometimes it seems unfair to me that I have so many struggles but help me not to focus on that but instead focus on the blessings you have given me. Thank you for giving me the courage to tell some others of my struggles with SSA and please continue to work on me and make me into the man you want me to be. I love you Lord and trust You.

EDIT (6:40 PM):
In regards to blessings. Maybe its possible that some blessings are just not as easy to see as others. Maybe God is blessing me and others who struggle with SSA in a different way that is not so easy for us or other people to see like having a baby would be. Maybe He blesses me by my weakness? Since it forces me to be closer to Him and depend on Him even just to get through the day much more than I think I would depend on Him if I was "normal". Maybe I am blessed more than I could ever dream in ways I dont even realize? Maybe I would have fallen away as a Christian and think I did not need God if I did not struggle with SSA since everything would be so easy?? To have God use my weakness and struggles that the enemy tries to use to destroy me to instead draw me to Jesus would have to be one of the best blessings anyone could ask for wouldn't it? I am blessed indeed to have a God like that who puts my eternal welfare first above temporary comforts and pleasures.

This entire paragraph above was not in my original post. The ideas in it just suddenly came into my head about an hour after I made this post after I had left the computer and was getting some food for dinner. So I ran back to the computer and edited this post before I forgot what was flowing into my head. Maybe it was God speaking to me and answering some of my confusion??


  1. Without my weakness, I would have never sought God. Something to ponder...


  2. Thanks Daemon. Great to hear from you! Hope your summer is going well.

  3. AJ,

    "If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction. I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have preserved my life." Ps.119:92,93 I just had tears when I read your post. You started by getting down on yourself and seeing the things that you feel are holding you back. These are the very things I have berated myself about in the past. The enemy likes to get us when we are down . You even mentioned about a mental institution, that's the enemy making things look hopeless. As you wrote your outlook changed and then you prayed that prayer.

    God heard your prayer and you came back with the edit which shows how He lifted you up. I love the line you added, "I am blessed indeed to have a God like that who puts my eternal welfare first above temporary comforts and pleasures." Keep on trusting the Lord, ask Him the questions that you find hard seeing answers for, write them down and you'd be amazed what answers you get at times. I believe you are going to see God at work in your life in very definite ways, stand and see what joys you will receive. Amen!