Shattered Walls

Sorry for not posting about my big night of sharing sooner. Ok here it goes.

Ok so that night I was sort of hoping my small group leader had forgotten that I had asked to share that night lol. But he emailed me a few hours before the meeting to ask if I still wanted to share so I was like oh man this is it I am really sharing. I was now in panic mode a bit and was like wow this is really happening. I then just spent a few quite moments with God telling him I am going to obey and do this even though it is very scary and that I trust Him that its for my good.

So I get to my small group and I am a nervous wreck. I just say hi to everyone and try to act normal. We sang a worship song after everyone was settled and I could not really even focus on it. Not sure what song it was. Then the leader asked if so and so wanted to share. I thought it was going to be me but no someone else wanted to share something too. So while she shared I was hoping that the time would run out or something and I would not have time to share lol. It was a cool story but I could not focus to much on it as I was to nervous about me sharing very shortly.

After she was done sharing the leader was like "AJ did you want to share something?" Gulp here it is! I replied softly yea and got written notes out of my pocket that I had written to read to the group since I knew I would never be able to be coherent and explain everything right without writing it down. Everyone seemed excited I was sharing as I am a pretty quiet guy and they have been interested in knowing more about me.

I got pretty emotional right away. Before I even started sharing. I told them how hard it was for me to share this but that I felt God wanted me too. And that I have never told anyone else about this struggle I have. So the first 2 paragraphs were about my history and about this being really hard for me to talk about and something that I have never shared and has filled me with shame. So I got through those and then got to childhood stuff and how I have always been sensitive and shy and had not many male friends and could not connect with guys and have had a lonely childhood.

Then I got to paragraph 3. This was the big one where SSA was mentioned and me having to say the words that I have kept hidden from everyone my entire life. I broke down again and they passed me the tissues :).

I recovered and said the words that I have dreaded saying my whole life it seems. I was like "I struggle with SSA and have since I was 12 or 13. I quickly glanced up to see if anyone had a horrified expression or whatever. But all I saw was love, care, and concern on their faces. So I continued and read the whole story. I told about all the pain and confusion I had growing up. The overwhelming shame and guilt. The wondering if God could love me or if I could even be a Christian and struggle with this. The loneliness. Everything. I threw it all out there. Of course I got emotional many other times while reading it.

And then the last page or so was about the ways God is working in my life and I told them all about that too!! And how I know God never abandoned me and how he gave me courage to share tonight and the truth I am learning about how much he loves me and how he choose me even knowing I would struggle with this. I mentioned getting support online from fellow SSA strugglers and how God used them to help me realize I am not a unique sinner beyond His love but just a sinner like everyone.

I then ended it saying I am sharing this because I want to be real for the first time in my life and hope to gain freedom by sharing. And that I would love to be able to count on them for support and prayers when I am feeling down. That I want to let them in and learn to love them better as Christ loves us and that I want to accept their love and not hide my struggles anymore.

Anyways to say there was a good reaction to my story would be an understatement! After I was done reading everyone just was sort of sitting in stunned silence for a few seconds. I saw several people where crying themselves at my story. Anyways then they all came over to me and hugged me one by one. Even the guys. I was afraid they would not do that once they knew but they hugged me longer then before they knew!! And it was so amazing and it was like God was hugging me when they all showed me Christ’s love like that.

Needless to say the rest of the meeting was about me. So we all talked and they asked me questions and they told me they love me and it has no effect on how they feel about me. One person even cried and apologized to me for the way the church treats people with this struggle and how its not right. I was like wow its not your fault but I appreciated her doing that and caring so much!

And one of the guys was like I love you even more now that you were so vulnerable and shared your story. That was a pretty crazy thing to hear. I am sure I teared up yet again lol. In my story I had mentioned I had pretty much accepted that I wont be healed of this the way I hoped and the leader after told me not to give up hope and just getting this in the open is a huge thing and God rewards those who take risks. He agreed with me though that its likely I will of least struggle with temptations for it even if I do someday experience some healing much like an alcoholic still struggles with being tempted to alcohol.

They all said how brave I was to share this and how inspiring it was to see someone be so vulnerable and honest. The leader said this is what Christian community is all about and that I was an amazing example to others in the group about being real and honest and vulnerable. Was so funny to hear him say that since my whole life I have been the opposite of real. And now suddenly I was an example to others on how to be real! Wow how one night can change everything.

After all that they then all prayed for me and laid hands on me and just spoke Gods love to me and how I am not a mistake. It was very healing and amazing!

Later that night afterwards several of the people from my group texted me later and thanked me again for being so vulnerable and real and said how proud they were of me and how my story actually encouraged them! And how it showed them that maybe they have to be more honest with the group about their own struggles. It challenged them to be more vulnerable and real. I was like wow who knew my own story could affect others who have totally different struggles? I guess thats why God asks us to share and be real so we can encourage one another on our journeys. Glad I finally obeyed God and did what He wanted. It was the scariest night of my life but also among the best too as I felt Gods love for me through his people.

I admit that several times since sharing I have felt rather weird or exposed you could say knowing that a rather large group of people know about me now. But I think that’s just Satan trying to make me feel shame again so I have been shaking it off. I know God is proud of me for sharing and it was the right thing to do! I am finally free with this group of people which feels amazing. No need to hide anymore they know all about me now and still love me not the same but MORE!! Satan had me convinced for so long they would judge and reject me. The truth was the opposite happened. He really is a master liar and deceiver. Thankful God broke through my shame and allowed me to see the truth!! And also amazed that my own story challenged and encouraged others who have totally different struggles.

So ya I dont know whats next but hopefully I become closer with them through this and learn to be honest when I am feeling down and get rid of the "everything is fine" mentality that I had for so long and just learn to be real. Its still a process as already at church when I saw them and they asked how I was I immediately went back to "Im fine" but I did manage to catch myself and said more after that. It does feel weird to be known struggles and all and I felt rather weird at church when I saw them wondering what they think about me. But those feelings passed quickly and so far its been great to be real. Will keep you all updated on things!

Update Time

Well I promised an update so here is one! :) I realize I have not been blogging as much. Its because alot has been going in in my life. Basically after this post a couple of months ago (Hope?) I decided to really try to change my perceptions and the way I look at things and look at myself. This was thanks in large part to the encouragement and advice you guys gave me which I am very thankful for. So I have been trying my best to reach out and be myself for a change around other Christians. Almost every weekend I have been doing stuff whether game nights, bowling, dinners, or Halloween parties. This has all been in an effort to try and get to know some people better and hopefully let them know me. I admit I still am a very shy guy and after years of hiding so no one could know the "real" me it is only natural that this will take some time for me to get used to this idea of opening up and allowing intimacy. Its at times hard not to lose patience with myself but I am going to keep trying. I have a weird fear of intimacy but also a craving for intimacy. Both sides of me battle it out and I end up just being awkward in social situations. Of course I am introverted by nature so I dont think I will ever be talking non stop or anything like that. But I am a GREAT listener and I know more about whats going on in a group then anyone lol. So I think if I can use my gifts of encouraging and listening people will maybe relate more to me and want to talk. I have not been completely successful yet but I am slowly improving and trying. Anyways everyone has been really nice and goes out of their way to like cheer me on when we went bowling or to try to get me to say more lol :). I feel good when I am around them so I hope I can continue to try and open up more. I just hope they dont see my quietness as me not wanting close relationships as nothing could be further from the truth.

The key for me is to not always judge myself at the end of the night. I always have a tendency to be like well tonight was a failure since you did not come home with 5 new best friends. Or I am depressed I still am not really close to them. But this takes time even more so with me because of my awkwardness and shyness. So I am really trying not to judge myself and am learning to dismiss the negative thoughts I have about myself as not being good enough for them to want me as a friend.

I have some more pretty exciting news. Well when I went bowling it was not just a random group but it was with a small group at church I am thinking about joining! It was a thing they had planned and they said I could come as a way for me to get to know them a little better. I have been nervous it would not work out and I would not be allowed to join since everything has to be approved. But the leader told me he talked to the church and its all set and I can come anytime. After hearing that I was filled with excitement, thankfulness, and FEAR. Now I have no excuses. I have a small group I am signed up with, they seem to like me, I liked them, so ya why am I afraid? Well its the whole intimacy thing again. I have been hiding from things like this my whole life it seems so people would not find out about my SSA. So if you want to pray for me I would sooo appreciate prayers that I have the courage to actually go now that its all setup.

I know for other people this is no big deal at all to join a small group but for me it is a big deal. It would be really good for me I think. And I could hopefully get to know them better and they get to know me. I admit my biggest fear is still my SSA thing as when people share about their struggles I dont want to act like I have no struggles and am fine when this is not the truth at all.That is what I have done my whole life and it sucks being fake. Yet I would have to really trust someone before telling them of my struggles so it will take time. The question is what do I tell them in the meantime when they are sharing struggles and prayer requests? Still thinking about that. I feel at some point if/when I do go and keep going and like everyone and it feels safe I will probably have to tell them about it. But that is something I am trying to get out of my head since its not something that has to be done anytime soon and its probably Satan putting that thought in my head to further try and discourage me and dissuade me from even going. In the past he has had great success at that but I think I am sick of him and his lies finally. Thank God for that.

So ya there is alot going on. Prayers are greatly appreciated. Very excited, nervous, anxious, and thankful for everything that is going on in my life. God is so patient with me its just amazing to me how all this is happening.

The question is will I go this week? Next Week? hmmm.

Stay tuned...

Celibacy...A Gift?

"But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. But God gives to some the gift of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness." (1 Corinthians 7:7)

A friend recently posted this really good sermon about celibacy on a board I frequent. Here is the link to listen to it: http://www.churchrez.org/sermon/imitating-christ-in-celibacy/

It gave me alot to think about. I have always wondered how celibacy could be a gift since it seems so hard and the loneliness at times is so great. What kind of gift would make someone seemingly suffer and feel loneliness was my thought? I have always had the attitude that if its a gift I want to find the receipt so I can return it and get the gift I want instead lol :).

My biggest fear of living a celibate life is loneliness more than any thing else. To not have someone waiting for you after a long hard day of work, or to love you no matter what. The sexual aspect other than failing to M and P at times has not been as hard for me. Of course I have to continue to try and improve those areas with God's help but God has been really helping me lately especially on the P front. So its not the sex but the loneliness that makes the prospect of lifelong celibacy hard for me to accept at times.

Ok I got kind of side tracked for a bit. Back to celibacy and the church. It just has seemed to me that in the church today the single people are sort of swept to the side and sort of ignored while family and the joys of marriage are heavily emphasized, and are center stage. Sure there may be a singles group but even then its just other singles as if the rest of the church does not want to catch the disease of singleness or something. Instead of celibacy being celebrated as something equally as good as marriage many people in church look down on you like your strange, abnormal, or there is something wrong with you for not being married or having a family. Of least that has been my experience.

I have always had trouble seeing it as a gift and something as good as marriage. I guess its because I am lonely alot of the time and don't have a strong community like one needs to live a celibate life. But also because I guess I still hope for marriage to a woman even though its not likely because of my attractions. But this sermon really stressed how lost the church would be without its celibate members. They do so much of the work and devote alot of their life to the church. They dont have families of their own so they are able to go on missions trips easier to the far corners of the world. They have more time to pray, more time to serve, and more time to be there for others in need. They also have more time to get to know and love God one on one! I admit I have not been doing a good job at many of these things at all. I have not been making good use of my celibacy.

I think I have often treated marriage as an idol. I see others who are married and so happy and in love and are blessed with a loving family and I just dream of being them. I have always had a false view that if I could just be married then everything would be happy and care free. That I would then never be alone and always have someone to love. But I have to realize that there is great difficulty in marriage too its just you don't see it from the outside sometimes. I mean most of my relatives have been divorced and are on their second marriage so I guess being married is just as tough as being celibate just in different ways maybe?

Even Jesus says that its better for some not to marry:

10 Jesus’ disciples then said to him, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!”

11 “Not everyone can accept this statement,” Jesus said. “Only those whom God helps. 12 Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.” (Matthew 19:10-12)

I guess while I have been living the celibate life, I have not been embracing it and have been wanting healing from my SSA so I can be married to a woman. I have been treating celibacy almost as a curse instead of a gift. I have been resenting this gift. This sermon really made me think about alot of things. I really liked how the pastor said that celibates remind the church of the not yet and the unfulfilled promises and marriage reminds the church of filled promises and the now. And how the church needs both to support each other and be reminders of both Gods faithful promises today and the promises that wont happen until we get to heaven when the church is married to God instead of to one another. I still think that overall the church does not do a good job treating both celibacy and marriage as equally good and the church seems to really push marriage from my experience anyways. But I guess that no church is perfect since it is filled with humans.

Anyways this sermon was really good and gave me so much to think about. If you are like me and have been resenting the gift of celibacy then consider listening to this sermon as it really opened my eyes to alot of things. While I still hope for the gift of marriage I have decided I am going to try to embrace the gift of celibacy whether for a season or for my life and realize that yes it really is a gift that the Lord has seen fit to give me so I better use this gift to honor Him and not resent or reject it. Maybe it means He just wants to have me all to Himself with no marraige to get in the way? Who am I to refuse a gift like that from my Lord??


Lord help me to accept my celibacy as a gift from You. Help me to learn how to use my singleness to serve others and not as an excuse to feel jealousy, resentment, and unhappiness. If you do still have a plan for me to one day be married despite all the obstacles I face help me to not reject that gift either. If I am not to be married or in the meantime before marriage help me to find the community I need to fill my loneliness and to treat this as a gift to be cherished and used for Your glory and not as something that I should want to return! Help me grow and to be able to truthfully accept this as a gift and to be able to thank you for this gift and really mean it. Please forgive me for so often resenting this gift. I love you Father.

Wandering Thoughts for October 4

A few wanderings and small things that dont warrant a whole post for each.

-First of all I ordered "Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality" by Wesley Hill last week! It arrived on Friday. I have not had time to read it but have heard great things and I am really looking forward to reading it. If you have never read this amazing article he wrote on Ransom Fellowship titled “A Few Like You”: Will the Church be the Church for Homosexual Christians? check it out and maybe you will see why I am excited to read his new book! I will let you know how I liked the book when I finish it.

-I read a really good article by Albert Mohler today titled: Between the Boy and the Bridge — A Haunting Question about all the recent suicides of young men who struggle with homosexuality. It really challenges the church to get involved in the lives of young people struggling with this.

-Had a great weekend and enjoyed church. Went to a cookout with people from church and got to know some people a bit of least. I admit I was still very reserved but of least I went and did talk to some people! :) Also I had a long talk with my brother and he really is encouraging me to join a small group at church. I probably am going to finally do it soon. I know, I know I have said I would before but I think this time I really will. He thinks, and I agree, that it just would be alot easier for me to get to know people and get closer with people in a small group environment like that compared to everyone rushing home after church on a Sunday morning. So I hope I can take this leap of faith as its a big step for me to be vulnerable like that.

-Anyways just overall I have been feeling so much more positive about things lately and feel like my life is starting to improve. I feel like God is really working in my life and I am very slowly starting to open up a bit more to others. I still have a very long way to go but its a start of least. I thank you all for your prayers and encouragement please feel free to continue to pray as it is greatly appreciated!

Here are a couple verses from Psalm 34 I wanted to share that really encouraged me to keep trusting the Lord:

Psalm 34:8

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Why are humans so cruel?

Ugh why are humans so cruel? Was just reading about this heartbreaking story on the front page of CNN about Tyler Clementi a freshman in college whose roommate secretly taped him making out with another guy and posted it on the internet as some kind of cruel joke for his friends to see. A couple of days later Tyler sadly committed suicide. This just breaks my heart. He apparently was still pretty much in the closet about his sexual attractions so I cant even imagine what it must have been like for him to endure this viscious and hateful invasion of privacy and have his deepest secret be made into some kind of joke by these cruel students in this manner. The insane pain and sense of being violated must have been immense and ultimately unbearable. This kid had his whole life in front of him and was an accomplished musician. I am just so sad about this whole thing. Its a tragedy that never should have happened if these college students who did this to him just thought for one second what they were doing and how it would affect another human being.

Lord have mercy on mankind for the way we treat one another. :(

Update: Just read this new article on CNN about Tyler's life. Sounds like he was a great kid with a promising future. Went to church every week and played his violin for the church services and he never told anyone in high school of his sexual orientation. Just never dated girls or guys. Basically except for the violin part he could have been me in High School. I think thats why this story is affecting me so much. Please keep his family in your prayers as I can not even imagine how devastated they must be.

Right in Front of Me

This song by Josh Wilson popped up on my pandora radio mix today and it just really caught my attention. Before I knew it I had purchased the CD on Amazon (It didnt hurt that it was on sale for only $4.98!) Anyways really powerful lyrics about wanting a miracle and evidence of God but realizing the evidence is all around us. It just really spoke to me so I wanted to share it. Alot of these lyrics would be a good summary of my life. Wanting a miracle and to be healed of my SSA thinking it would help me fully trust God. Yet at the same time why should I need something like that to trust Him when He has done so much already?? Just the fact I wake up in the morning and the sun rises and sets is a miracle!! Why should God have to prove himself to me when He already has given me and continues to give me so much??

Right in Front of Me
by: Josh Wilson

Some say we’ve all been searching for a God for years in vain
And some say belief is just the easy way around our pain
And sometimes I’d like to agree when they’re telling me that this is all an accident
Cause it’s hard to let this heart believe when my mind is screaming out I need more evidence

But do I really need more evidence?

I want a miracle, something impossible
So would you help me to believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me
Is all the proof I’ll ever need

I hear it in the winter wind that blows the icy snow against my skin
And I see it in that summer sun that rises high and then burns out again
And I feel it in my chest in the quiet moments that I trust in what You say

Would you help me trust in what You say?

Maybe this is what it means to question You and still believe
To search and still be satisfied, to know and yet to wonder why
To put my faith in things I doubt, to love what I can’t figure out
Maybe this is what it means

To want a miracle, something impossible
But have the faith to still believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me
Is all the proof I’ll ever need
Don’t need a miracle, something impossible
That makes You easy to believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me
Is all the proof I’ll ever need

You’re all the proof I’ll ever need
So would you help me to believe

There is no use arguing with God

I am reading through Ecclesiastes right now. I actually finished the book last night. Really deep stuff there its been awhile since I read that book. Is it just me or is everything meaningless? :) haha. Anyways last night while reading it I came across an interesting verse that spoke to me. Here it is:

"Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny." (Eccl 6:10, NLT)

This verse just really made me stop in my tracks and think for awhile. Did God know before I was even born that I would struggle with SSA? Obviously He did since he knows all but its an interesting thing to think about. He knew I would have this struggle but still loved me and loves me anyways. Is it possible that no matter what had happened as a child whether I had tons of male friends, felt accepted, and like "one of the guys" that I would have turned out no different since God always knew I would be the person I am? What I mean is I spend so much time thinking about the past and how I wish things had gone different. But this verse seems to say that there is no use doing that or arguing with God about your lot in life because your destiny is already decided.

Of course this brings up the whole idea of free will. If God always knew I would struggle with SSA does that mean no matter what choices I made or what choices others made to include me I still would struggle with SSA? Its interesting to think about. I doubt I will solve these deep questions any time soon. Just thinking.

Also love the last part of the verse. "So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny." I took that to mean there is no use begging and pleading for God to change yours or my particular struggle. I cant even count the untold times I have prayed to God and cried myself to sleep asking for God to heal me of these same sex attractions. Like it says in this verse there is no use arguing with God. For whatever reason some of us struggle with SSA and its our burden to bear. Everyone has some struggle that they have and God must think that we can handle it and that it will teach us to trust in Him. If we each did not have our own particular struggle we may never learn to have this trust and our faith would not grow. Luckily God does not leave us alone to carry our burdens but helps us!

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” "
(Matt 11: 28-30, NLT).

So what I have to learn to do is to really give Jesus my heavy bag of burdens and let Him deal with it. I cant beat myself up so much when I fail and I have to try not to be prideful when I have success. He took all my burdens on the cross when He died for me anyways. So why do I still drag them behind me like I am chained to a boulder?

Sure this burden is still there and may be with me for life but I am starting to find some form of healing by just talking about it with others on my blog and elsewhere and not keeping it all in. It turns out God is healing me after all. Its just not in the ways I ever would have expected. But God always manages to surprise us doesn't He?

Anyways thats what I got from these verses. Whats your opinion? What do you think that Ecclesiastes 6:10 means? Do you agree with my conclusions or is my interpretation of the verse wrong?

Ravi Zacharias on Homosexuality and the Christian

This video is from 2009 so may be old but its new for me so I wanted to share it. Someone from the audience asked Ravi Zacharias a question about being a Christian and homosexuality and I just really liked his answer. He was honest and logical with his beliefs yet still showed compassion and understanding for those that struggle with this. If you have some time give this video a look.

Your Love is Strong

Last week I went to a big christian music festival and had the chance to see Jon Foreman perform this song live. It really spoke to me so much. It was such a beautiful setting in the mountains with dragonflys flying around and hawks flying above and nature everywhere. Anyways this song just really spoke to me when I saw it performed in person so I wanted to share it with you all here! I took a video of him performing it too that I posted on Facebook. I tried to post it here but it said the filesize was to big. So if you are my friend on Facebook check it out!

Gods love is stronger than all my fear, pain, rejection, and yes even my sin! Its incredible that He loves us so much. Why do I worry about things so much when the God who created the universe cares for me so much? If only I could really learn to accept his love and acceptance completely. Life would be so much easier if I could just truly not only know these things about Gods love but accept them completely and live like its really true.

Lord help me to accept your insane and crazy love for me. A love I do not deserve at all and yet you shower it upon me every day with the beauty of your creation. Every breath I take is another sign of your love. Help me never to forget your love for me. As this song says:
Forgive me a weary sinner
Keep me far away from my vices
Deliver me from these prisons that I helped to create for myself.

I love you Father!

Your Love is Strong
by: Jon Foreman

Heavenly father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world
And in my life

You give me the food I need
To live through today
Forgive me as I forgive
The people that wrong me

Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place

I walk to the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed then any girl
On her wedding day

So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need!

- Chorus -

Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found

Two things you told me
That you are strong and you love me
Yes, you love me

- Chorus -

Your love is strong

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
Deliver us from these prisons

Mistakes, regrets, and moving forward

I have been thinking alot lately about mistakes I may have made in the way I dealt with my SSA all these years. Since I had never talked to anyone about my issues until I started my blog a few months ago I was just doing what I thought was best. I figured since I was attracted to guys then its obvious that I must keep away from guys and not form close friendships with them. I did not want them to find out my secret and did not want to stumble and fall with a guy. Well because of that I really have not had close male friends in a long time. And I am realizing from reading posts people have been making and chatting with others that I may have been handling things wrong. That not interacting with guys and not having close friendships with guys probably made my attractions and lusts for guys even stronger then they would have been as I felt like I was not one of them. This makes me really sad and hurts me deeply when I think about it. Because how do you make up for the lost time and experiences and growing up you missed? You can try but in reality you can't really. Of least not in the way it would have happened more naturally at that time.

One of my biggest regrets is that I did not go away to a christian college and live the dorm life with other guys. Once again it was a case of me doing things with the best of intentions only to realize now I was probably all wrong. I figured that I could not handle seeing guys in their underwear and undressing and sleeping in the same room and stuff for 4 years in the dorms. I thought I would be aroused 24/7 and never be able to study or think straight. I mean when you see straight christian guys attracted to females you dont see them go live with a bunch of them who walk around their rooms in their bra's to try and lessen their attractions you know what I mean?? So I figured I would treat males like straight guys treated females and not move in with a bunch of guys who I figured would cause me to lust. So I did what I thought was the right thing and picked a local state college to go to that I commuted to. I formed no real friendships there since I just drove in, took my classes, and drove back. Plus I think if I had told anyone there of my struggles they would have just encouraged me to act on them. I realize now that if I had gone away I would have been forced to be with other guys all the time and may have come to realize I am just like them and maybe been accepted and opened up more and felt like one of the guys. Maybe not but it could not have hurt.

Why did I let my SSA get the best of me and control my life? I was such a fool to let my struggles control me. So I am in this weird position of sadness over something I thought I was doing right at the time. I have to get over the anger I have for myself. Its like now its so clear what I should have done that I dont know why I could not see it then.

So where does this realization leave me now? Well glad you asked. What can be done now about the past? Nothing. I cant relive those years so I have to realize its useless for me to spend time worrying about things I may have done wrong in my struggle with SSA. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time so I cant dwell on it. I guess everyone hurts some time or another about things in the past. Its better to hurt than to be in the numb state I have been in for years (although sometimes i would prefer the numb state lol). So now I am trying to think of other ways to make close male friendships and relate with guys. Its ALOT harder now than it would have been then as most of the guys my age are married and far to busy with family life to form close friendships. Of least with a single guy. I notice married people have no trouble going out with new couples they meet but seldom go out with single people. I guess they think single people have a disease or something and dont want to catch it lol.

But I am going to try to go out of my comfort zone a little and reach out to people more.I am thinking of joining a small group at my church hoping that will let me get closer to people. Maybe that will be a way I can get closer male friends? There are not many other options really as I am kinda quite and have real trouble just introducing myself to random people. Also I have been trying to go to more functions like BBQ's and have been hanging out with acquaintances and friends of my brothers from church and that has been working too as I find I am more comfortable around his friends lately so I will continue doing that.

Anyways I am just thinking out loud to myself about my options of trying to reconnect with the male world. Forget reconnecting how about connecting for the first time lol. I definitely long to be accepted by other males and have male friends. This is all stuff I should have learned as a teenager but didnt because I felt different and separate from other males because of my SSA. Makes me wonder who would even want to be friends with someone as slow at learning basic life lessons as me lol. But I know thats just satan telling me lies. And that someone out there wants a new friend lol :).

If anyone else has any ideas or anything on making friends with guys or anything please post a comment.

Lord when I think about my past and the mistakes I made dealing with this and the way I let my SSA and fear control my life it fills me with great sadness and regret. I should have trusted You. Help me not to dwell on my past mistakes in dealing with this Lord. Instead show me the way to having the close friendships and acceptance I have longed for my entire life. Thank you Lord for having patience with me as I know it must be frustrating to watch me stumbling and messing up all the time as I try to deal with all my problems and sins. Help me not to deal with my sins alone but instead rely on You. I know that you are remaking me patiently and lovingly into the man you want me to be and I am so thankful I am learning these things now of least. I love you Father.

Please Let Me Off the Rollercoaster

Lately I just want to get off this roller coaster my emotions have become. I am just sick of it. One day I am feeling great and close to God thinking sure I will be fine and everything will work out. Then other days like today I feel its hopeless and I will be lonely the rest of my life. I just feel like its not fair sometimes that I struggle with this while others live a great life with a loving family. But then again I guess life is not fair. For whatever reason God seems to bless some with things like a wife and a family while others like me struggle with something as basic to their humanity as their sexual identity. Its hard to know why but I guess we wont know until we get to heaven. But I still choose to keep trusting God that He must have some kind of plan and purpose for me.

I am almost done with the Desires in Conflict book I have been reading. I have to admit at times it is painful to read as so much what he described seemed to be about me. Hearing his theory about SSA does make alot of sense but its painful to know that things in my childhood may have caused this. It makes me think if only misunderstandings about relationships had not occurred, if only I had more male friends and felt accepted as one of the guys. Maybe I would be married now with a family instead of lonely and confused. If only, if only, if only...

But there is no use wishing things had happened differently. They didnt and its a waste of time for me to constantly dwell on the past and wish I had done this instead of that etc... Plus maybe I would not like the person I would be if I met him today if everything happened different. Maybe that person would think he does not need God because everything in his life is great. Maybe when I get to heaven I will actually thank God for letting me struggle with this as it made me depend on Him when otherwise I would try to do things on my own? Maybe, but for now its a really hard struggle so I just have to keep trying and trusting in God day by day. I have to finally try to move forward and try to leave the pain behind. Its a hard thing to do since the pain has been with me so long of wanting to fit in but never being accepted by my peers, the loneliness, the feelings of guilt and shame.

Having said all that I actually had a good weekend last weekend though. I volunteered at church last Sunday to help set up the worship team. So I got to church around 7 am and we set up all the cables and instruments and sound system and stuff. Got to meet some other people and went out for coffee after we were done and before the service started. It was good and I felt like part of a team. I will have to do it again I think.



Lord please help me to be happy with what I have. Help me not to compare my life with others but just accept that some people have more struggles in life than others. I know its probably for my own good that you let me struggle with this even though its a painful thing and often its hard for me to understand. Please help me to trust You Jesus and to know that you only want whats best for me. Help me to form close relationships with other guys and finally feel accepted. I love you Lord and thank You for my life.

Why ask Why?

I am reading through Proverbs right now and the other day I came across this short verse that spoke to me so figured I would share it with you all. Proverbs 20:24 Here is the NLT version of it:

"The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?"

I took it to mean that life is confusing and we may not understand why we struggle or have hardships but in the end its for our good as the Lord is directing us and changing us into the person He wants us to be. So going through a struggle and trying to obey God is what we have to do even though we may ask questions as to why do I have to struggle with this when all my friends and family are "normal". They have their own struggles that we may not understand.

This is something I often struggle with. Over the years I have spent alot of time wondering why I struggle with SSA. I have thought over certain things that happened or did not happen that could have caused it. Wondered if only I had done this or did not do that then maybe I would have turned out different. But the truth is I will probably never know why I struggle with this. So I have to start just realizing the whys dont matter as much. As this verse says its not for us to understand the whys. Its just our job to try and obey and trust God that He will use even the toughest struggles, which sometimes this seems like this has to be one of the tougher ones, to direct our steps and draw us closer to Him and make us into the people He wants us to be in order to glorify Him in our weakness all the more.

I'll keep trusting You

Stan who has a blog I frequent often sent me an email today about a blog post he thought I should read. Here is an excerpt from that blog post that I really liked:

"Once we come into agreement with one of Satan’s lies, we then start to live our lives and make decisions out of that lie. So let’s take one as an example: “I am gay and there is no way to be healed of homosexuality”. Let’s say you have come into agreement with that lie. How are you going to live your life? Are you going to seek healing? Are you going to seek out churches to love and help you through your struggle? Are you going to seek out groups of men to mentor you? Are you going to pray fervently for the Lord to walk you through your healing journey quickly?

No. It's highly unlikely you are going to do any of those things. What are you going to do? You are going to find a group of people who believe the same lie. You are going to seek out other relationships that are going to confirm that lie. You are going to have conversations with other people who are going to confirm that lie. You are going to separate yourself from anyone who doesn’t agree with you."

Check out the full blog article here. Its a great read and is all about the lies Satan tries to get us to believe. The article also gives ways on how to fight back against Satan's lies and for me of least the blog post was a really big encouragement to keep trusting God and to keep praying for healing and not to give up.

Anyways I had been feeling pretty discouraged about my struggle with SSA as you may have been able to tell based on that rather depressing song I posted yesterday. Just was feeling hopeless and depressed. In fact I did not even go to church yesterday. I just could not put on my fake smile and pretend I was fine.

I often wonder if change is really possible you know what I mean? I cant get a straight answer from anyone. Some say its a struggle that we must endure our whole life with little hope for healing. Others say after alot of intense therapy some measure of healing takes place and still others say they were healed instantly. Its all very confusing. I guess no one seems to know. Makes me wonder why God does not heal more of us instantly? He must be teaching us faith and trust by letting us struggle. Anyways I just read that blog today and I really liked what the blog had to say about not giving up on healing. We have to live like change is possible otherwise we will just give up and if we give up we are sure stay the same. That is something I really needed to hear! That is so powerful and true. Because if I think there is no hope for change I wont even bother trying. Which is what Satan would love. I needed to read this today.

I emailed my brother last night and told him the truth about how discouraged I am and how I feel hopeless and dont know if I will ever be healed. And he called me up last night and we talked for an hour. It was so awesome and he really encouraged me and told me not to give up. In my email I told him I feel like a freak and he said I am not a freak but just a sinner like everyone else. And he got upset when I said I wish I was normal because he said I am normal just because I sin and have struggles does not mean I am not normal and that everyone struggles with something. Anyways It was really something I needed and we talked about a bunch of other things like prayers and struggles and God. It was one of the deepest conversations we have ever had! So much better than the superficial conversations we used to have before he knew of my struggles. And he told me about some things he needs prayers for too. Basically we both were finally vulnerable and honest with each other! God is using this to bring us alot closer.

I now know why Satan tried his hardest to keep me from telling my brother for all this time. Like this article said Satan knew that my brother would give me support and courage so he kept feeding me the lies that my brother would reject me if he knew.

Anyways I am feeling better today than I did over the weekend and I am going to keep trusting in God that healing is possible. Dont know in what form healing will take place or when but I am going to put my hope in the God that I know loves me no matter what that He will transform me into the man he wants me to be.

Caught In The In-Between

When will I finally realize that God loves me how I am? I know that is the truth yet I always feel like I am a failure because of my SSA. I see the life of other guys at church who have wives, or GFs and they just seem so much more Godly than me. I know its not true and they have problems and sin areas as well but I dont know it just seems like they sin less to me. Of course I guess you can never tell from the outside. They could be struggling with things that I cant even imagine much like they have no idea of this huge struggle I have. I wish we all could be more open about our sins and weaknesses at church! I think if things were more out in the open at church it would really help people not feel shame for whatever sins they have done in the past or struggle with now. Why do we all wear masks and pretend we have it all together? Its like we are trying to impress each other and pretend we are better than we are which is ridiculous considering at church we are a gathering of Christians and God knows what we all are really like! If God who is perfect knows the real us, sins and all, and still loves us why cant we as weak sinful humans share our sins and struggles with each other and still love one another? Just something I have been thinking about.

This song I posted below has really been speaking to me. There are so many stupid things that at times I put before God. Even beyond SSA issues. Material things, electronic gadgets, and all the trappings of modern society that draw my attention away from the God who made me, loves me, and forgives me.

Love this line especially: "And we run, we run, to finally be set free
But we’re fighting for what we already have received"

The victory is already secure! Even if in this life my attractions never change at all I can be sure that I will be set free of these struggles eventually even if it is not until I reach heaven and God makes me new. Between now and then there will be alot of hard times and temptations, but there will be tons of good times too. I cant let this struggle define me as a person. Instead of worrying I have to put my trust in God who has already helped me so many times that I have lost count. I can either wallow in self pity about my struggles with SSA or live life and thank God for saving me and loving me. I choose to live life.

We are caught in the in-between but God has already set us free!

All The Pretty Things
by: Tenth Avenue North
We are, we are, we’re caught in the in-between
Of who we already are and who we’re yet to be
We’re looking for love but finding we’re still in need
It’s only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep
And we’re waiting but our eyes are wandering to
All this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I’m fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me

And we run, we run, to finally be set free
But we’re fighting for what we already have received
So we’re waiting , but our eyes are wandering to
All this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I’m fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me

We are, we are, we’re caught in the in-between
But we’re fighting for what we already have received
We are, we are, we’re caught in the in-between
But we’re fighting for what we already have received

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I’m fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me

Father's Love Letter- An Intimate Message From God To You

Someone emailed me this the other day and it really spoke to me. Its so amazing how much God loves us!! Figured it may speak to others as well so I wanted to share it here:

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications Copyright 1999-2010 www.FathersLoveLetter.com

The Awesome Weekend That Almost Wasn't

Wow God does answer prayers. I of course knew this already but this weekend it was so obvious it was like God was shooting fireworks in the air so I would know it was Him answering me. Friday night I was extremely depressed and lonely. I prayed very earnestly for God to provide for my loneliness and help me get through the weekend. I was not very optimistic about anything happening though I have to admit. Well on Saturday I was supposed to go to a family get together that was about 2 hours away at a relatives house and was going to just not go figuring no one would even miss me if I stayed home. I knew I would be the only single one there and that everyone else would have wives/husbands and most would have kids. Well I did end up forcing myself to go even though I tried to convince myself not to with every excuse possible. Or maybe it was Satan trying to convince me not to go so that God could not answer my prayer and I would be alone all weekend? I dont know. So anyways I went to the family party and it was a great day and the food was amazing and it was not as bad as I feared. Yes I was indeed the only single one there so did feel funny but I made the best of it and still enjoyed myself. Plus did I mention the food was amazing? :) That party alone probably would have been enough for me to make me happy and not feel so lonely for the weekend. But God had other plans.

Anyways onto the answered prayer part. Well pretty much as soon as I got to the family gathering my brother, who had arrived earlier, asked me if I wanted to go over his friends house (who I also know) later that night after the family party and watch a playoff game with him and a few friends, stay over his house, and then go to his church the next day. Well this just pretty much came out of nowhere so I was surprised. I knew instantly it was God answering my prayer. Even though I had no change of clothes with me and it was all last minute I said yes! I had alot of fun and really enjoyed myself. I have known them all for awhile since we have met at church and have crossed paths many times elsewhere. I enjoyed watching the game with them and I just felt "normal" all night. I did not have to think of any of my problems and was just a guy like them. I was thanking God to myself all night for so clearly answering my prayer. Church today was great too and I only just got home a couple of hours ago.

So I went from being alone and having no plans all weekend to being busy and with people all weekend! Wow God is pretty crazy sometimes. I am still stunned at it all and how God is so good to me. I am so glad that I forced myself to go to the family party as if I had not God would not have been able to make the rest of the weekend happen!

Anyways I am exhausted now as I did not sleep to great on the couch last night but I am tired and happy! I gotta take a shower now though as I still have on the same clothes I had on Saturday morning and I probably dont smell to great! lol :)

Promises

Here is the update about Sunday that I promised to post for anyone interested. I was going to post it yesterday but was not feeling well so never got around to it. Sunday was great and let me calm down from the stress I put on myself Saturday. The weather was a beautiful 68 degrees or so and sunny. I woke up early from a rather restless sleep you know the kind where you wake up every hour or so and notice the clock every time and keep thinking "will this night ever end?" So after getting up I went out to a local bakery had a fresh blueberry muffin and a coffee and then went to church. It was a great church service that really encouraged me. The service was all about how the promises of God can take time to fulfill because God is not on our timetable. The pastor talked about how God promised Abraham a son and it took 25 years for the promise to be fulfilled but eventually it was. The pastor said how the time between the promise and the promise being fulfilled is the most dangerous time for us as we doubt and fear that maybe God has forgotten us. We may grow impatient like even Abraham did when he tried to make the promise happen on his own by having a baby about 12 years after God promised him a son with another woman. That one act of trying to rush God's promise along has caused thousands of years of war and strife. Thats what can happen when mankind tries to do the job of God!

So I took from this message that maybe someday I will be healed but its not on my time table but God's. And maybe it is never to happen I dont know. But God is good either way and if its His will to heal me then it will happen in His time not mine. It is not something I can force. I may grow impatient like Abraham did but I have to have faith that God has a plan for me whether I am healed or not. I know for me it would be wrong to give into my temptations just because I am impatient at God's timing and may be attracted to males and want to give in to my desires. Maybe someday God will provide me with a wife in His time who will understand my struggles and love me anyways. Or maybe God will heal me completely. Or maybe neither thing will happen and I will be single and celibate my whole life. If that happens I have to trust God will provide for the loneliness I have at times in other ways. The point is I have to learn to leave it in God's hands and not worry so much. I have a real problem with worry. I go over every possible outcome, imagine what my life will be like if I am never to marry, and I just over-think everything. I have to leave it in God's hands. That is something that is probably easier said than done for me but it is something I have to work on and was glad I took it from this message at church. Anyways this message at church was just what I needed to hear at the time. God has a funny way of speaking to us just when we need it the most dont you think??

What You Already Own

Thanks for anyone who prayed for me after my last post. I am feeling alot better today. I woke up this morning and the sun was shining the birds were singing and I was thankful to be alive. I really think I have to step away from thinking about this struggle so much. It has been consuming my every thought for the last couple of weeks. So I am going to take a break from posting for a few days and just be with the Lord and forget my problems. Its just all of this is pretty new for me because I have been in denial for years and have never talked about this stuff with anyone before I found your blogs and started posting here about a month ago. So reading everyones blogs, posting, and chatting over this last month has just been alot to digest. Although I have struggled with SSA since age 12 or 13 I have only really finally admitted to myself about my attractions recently and been dealing with this part of me for a month while most of you have been dealing with it for years. So all of this information is overwhelming for me sometimes.

Often I wish I would have had the courage to face this years ago instead of hating myself so much for having these same sex attractions that I buried it and could not face it. But I am thankful that God is helping me to start to deal with this now. I guess I am finally ready to process this. I mean just two months ago I would be absolutely horrified to be writing this stuff and admitting this huge struggle of mine. So I must be slowly growing a little of least right? Before finding these blogs a month ago I always figured I was the only Christian that struggled with this yet still was trying to live for God. Satan whispered to me for years that no one could ever understand or love me if they knew. I realize now he did that to isolate me so he could toy with me and tempt me with ease. I just have to realize it takes time to digest some of this stuff and I cant expect to just instantly be able to process everything and tell everyone I know of my struggle. God is definitely working in me though and helping me to realize how much He loves me and how I should not be so afraid to tell others in my life so I dont have to battle on my own. If God can still love me even though he knows everything about me and knows how I have failed so much than surely others can love me too!

I have been reading the Bible, listening to worship music and trying to get my mind off my problems alot since my last post. As I said earlier in the week I am reading through Romans right now. Well I just read Romans 12:1-2 and was really moved to prayer. Here it is:

1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Here is the prayer that I wrote in my journal and prayed after reading these verses:

"Lord I give you freely what you already own anyways, my body, and thank you for creating it. I am sorry I have not done the best job taking care of your creation and that it is so sinful and confused. Please take me as I am and transform me into the person you want me to be. If these same sex attractions are never to leave me help me to accept them as a weakness or thorn that you want me to have in order to show my faith and love to You all the more by resisting the things that my body may want. I cant do it on my own Lord so help me depend on you to get me through the temptations that the Enemy tries to place before me. Use my struggle to help me glorify, love, praise, and depend on you more than I would if I did not struggle with this. If you do see fit to someday heal me Father help me never forget the lessons I am learning now about trusting You no matter what. I love you Lord and I am sorry for sometimes doubting You and for my many sins and weaknesses. I am so unworthy of your love and yet you love me even more than I will probably ever realize."


Once again I thank you all for the prayers, encouragement, and advice you have given me. We are all at different stages on this journey and its great to be able to get advice and prayers from each other! God has blessed me by letting me get to know you through your posts and blogs.

My soul cries out

Really love this worship song by Gungor. I pray that Jesus is slowly recreating me into something new like this song says!

Dry Bones
by: Gungor

My soul cries out
My soul cries out for You

These bones cry out
These dry bones cry for You
To live and move
Only You
Can raise the dead
Lift my head up

Jesus, You’re the one who saves us
Constantly creates us into something new
Jesus surely you will find us
Surely our Messiah will make all things new
Will make all things new

Life is breaking out
Is breaking out
Life is breaking out
Is breaking out
Is breaking out

And love is breaking out
is breaking out
is breaking out

Whispers

Last night I was reminded about just how good Satan is at tempting us. As I was surfing the net a thought popped in my head about how good I have been lately not looking at porn. It went something like this:

"Wow I am doing pretty good have not looked at porn in awhile and right now I am not even really missing it." Then suddenly I could almost hear the whisper of the master of lies: "Why not just look at a few pictures? Nothing to serious just as a reward for how good you have been. No one will ever know and it wont hurt anyone. Plus you deserve this."

I was horrified! Satan was using my own pride against me and trying to get me to reward myself for not looking at porn... by looking at porn!! Its so twisted. I'm so twisted. I immediately prayed and asked Jesus to take these thoughts from me and protect me from Satan's lies. This time I was successful in resisting, thanks to God not me, but its a reminder that I always have to be on-guard. Satan will use any opportunity to speak his lies and try to ensnare me.

I have been under attack with temptations alot lately, even as I sleep. Satan is working over time. I really wish he would just take a day off and let me be. :( Oh well I guess the good news is God doesn't take a day off either. Please pray for me that these temptations will lessen and I will be able to recognize when a thought is just another of Satan's lies.