Wandering Thoughts for May 30th, 2011

1. Hey everyone! Long time no blog! Hope everyone from the US is having a Happy Memorial Day! Just wanted to post because its been so long. Things are pretty good here overall I suppose. Still going to my small group every week etc.... Its still been good and I am getting alot out of the meetings and the sharing we do. It is nice to feel accepted yet still I have trouble getting closer as I wish for. I have not really talked about any issues regarding SSA and myself much since the day I shared. I still find it incredibly hard to talk about and get emotional when I do. I guess I have alot of wounds still to deal with. But its good as they have not brought it up much really. I know they accept me where I am and love me which is cool so maybe there is nothing else to be said about my struggles with SSA for the time being? I appreciate all the advice many of you gave me in my last post. It was and is very helpful to me. I have to realize I may never be able to connect with others completely how I hope to but I am going to keep trying of least. I do know that I am showing more of my real self very slowly when I go to the small group so that is good. Of least I am making progress although its slow for me. Even with my struggles in the open with my small group I often feel I am not important enough for others to care about or that I am a bother or something and that if I share how I am really feeling at times when I am down or feeling lonely they will be annoyed or think I am to much trouble. Have to work on that as I know its probably not true and likely it is from years of low self esteem and shame.

2. I just got the book "Out of a Far Country: A Gay Son's Journey to God. A Broken Mother's Search for Hope" by Christopher Yuan and his mother Angela Yuan. I plan to write a review for it here when I am done reading it so check back for that! Looking forward to reading it!

3. I really love this video that I saw posted over on Dave's blog http://gayandevangelical.wordpress.com Its titled "The Church is Your Family: Reflections for Singles & Those Struggling with Homosexuality." It is a talk given by professor Matt Jenson at Biola University. Its all about how the church has to be family for those who are single or struggling with homosexuality and not act like singleness is a disease or something that should be looked down on. Really good stuff you should watch it! Its something the church really has to work on I think just providing a family like atmosphere for those who don't have families of their own because of their brokenness or for other reasons. That means more then just meeting Sunday mornings!! Check out the video below:



OK that's it for now. Just wanted to post a few small updates so you know I am still alive. :)

-AJ

Philip Yancey's views on the issue of Homosexuality

I recently read on a friends blog that Philip Yancey will be the keynote speaker at this years Gay Christian conference. There is alot of controversy about this since some say he is endorsing the homosexual lifestyle by speaking there and others say he is to conservative to be speaking there.

He has mentioned the topic in a few of the books I have read (see this past blog post of mine for one such reference from his book Disappointment with God) But I wanted to find out more about his beliefs rather then a few sentences here or there.

He is one of my favorite Christian writers so I decided to search to see if I could find more about what his beliefs are about the issue of Homosexuality. Well I searched and was very lucky and happy to see he has a whole page on his website talking about his beliefs on this issue where he answers several questions on his thoughts about homosexuality and the christian that people have sent him.

I think overall he has a very balanced view. He is careful not to outright say what he thinks about christians in homosexual relationships since he says he has found once its out there people wont listen to you who dont agree with you on either side.

"It would be more accurate to say that I intentionally don’t take sides on this issue. I’ve observed that as soon as a person does take sides, communication ends. I hear from gay Christians who are very disappointed that I don’t condone their point of view, and I hear from traditional Christians who are very disappointed that I don’t condemn homosexual behavior. As long as I get angry letters from both sides, I feel better.

Do I agree with gay Christians’ interpretations of the six passages in the Bible that may or may not relate to their behavior? No. They may be right, but so far I’m unconvinced. I also disapprove of sexual promiscuity, whether of the hetero- or homo- variety.

Nevertheless, I start with what I’m sure of: my attitude toward homosexuals. It seems to me that’s the clearest message we have. And the atmosphere of judgment and condemnation is so strong that I feel no need to represent a balanced viewpoint myself. So I don’t take an official position. I simply try to love the gay individuals I know, and bring a little grace and mercy to a church that puts this particular sin—if indeed it is that—in a special category. I’d rather maintain contact with “gay Christians,” who are so isolated, and also conservative Christians, who often have little understanding of the issue."

Also he says while he has been to gay churches and found really committed christians at some of them he does not think its a good idea to build a church around this one issue and be isolated from the rest of the body of Christ.

I really liked this quote

"On an issue like this, I try to start with what I’m absolutely sure of, and work outwards. I’m sure of what my own attitude should be toward gays and lesbians: I should show love and grace. As one person told me, “Christians get very angry toward other Christians who sin differently than they do.” When people ask me how I can possibly stay friends with a sinner like Mel, I respond by asking how Mel can possibly stay friends with a sinner like me. After all, Jesus had much to say about greed, hypocrisy, pride and lust—sins I struggle with—but did not mention homosexuality. Even if I conclude that all homosexual behavior is wrong, as many conservative Christians do, I’m still compelled to respond with love.

Do I believe that gay people can be committed Christians? Absolutely. I know far too many of them to doubt that. I also believe that alcoholics and prideful hypocrites can be committed Christians. In short, sinners can, and I’ve stepped back from ranking other people’s sins. It may be helpful for us to think through our relationships with divorced people. Do I feel awkward? Do I avoid talking about their current partner, or former life? Or I think of my greedy friends, or gluttonous friends. How do I handle their weaknesses?"

Here is the link to the page talking about the issue of homosexuality on his web site: http://www.philipyancey.com/q-and-a-topics/homosexuality He has alot of interesting things to say about this subject so check it out!

I am interested in hearing what his speech will be like at the Gay Christian conference later this week. Hopefully they will post a transcript or a video of it somewhere.

What do you think? Do you agree with his beliefs on this subject? Do you think its a good idea for him to speak at this conference?

Merry Christmas

Since there are only two days until Christmas I just wanted to do a quick blog post to wish you all a Merry Christmas! Hope you all get to spend some time with family and friends this Christmas. Don't forget that even though our burden may seem heavy at times and our struggle seems never ending that God loves us so much that he saw fit to send his son to this crazy, cruel, sinful world to be the savior of us all. He came for you and for me and He loves us more then we can ever imagine.

I want to thank you guys again for caring and taking the time to read my thoughts here and praying for me and giving me advice. God really used you guys to help me change so many things in my life. I am really looking forward to seeing what 2011 has in store for me and you all as well. I still have a loooong way to go in many areas but I am thankful for the progress I have made and for God never abandoning me along the way.

A Christmas song for you all!



Love you all and hope you have a great Christmas!

-AJ

Dare to Love

Hey all its been awhile again! Just want to post an update if you care to read. First of all I have good news. I did indeed start going to a small group at my church! Last night was my second small group meeting. It has been really amazing. I have never really been in a small group since I was always afraid they would find out about my SSA. Anyways they really share ALOT in this group and are incredibly vulnerable to one another. Its really good for me to hear that other Christians have struggles too. Not that I did not already know that but seeing it and hearing the struggles first hand is just something I needed I guess. They have struggles but still love eachother and pray for one another and support one another. I already know and feel that at some point I will share my struggle with SSA with them. Probably not for awhile but I think I will someday. Its funny last nights meeting the topic was sharing your "impossible" prayer request. So we talked about that for awhile then went around the room and shared our impossible request. Some shared about unsaved loved ones, or family with cancer etc... Others shared personal things they struggle with. Anyways as they were going around the room I was terrified and like no way am I ready to share my "impossible" request. But I did come up with another thing that has always seemed impossible too. I asked them to pray that I feel safe to share about struggles and that I can open up more with them. I explained how I have many walls around myself and I really want to be more open with people in my life. Anyways they then of course pressed me further and we talked for a little while. They asked if it would be easier for me since I am quiet if they made it a point to ask me how I am doing in the group meetings and I said sure that would be great.

I am really happy and thankful to God that he gave me the courage to join this small group. I am finally learning what real Christian fellowship is and its a pretty amazing thing. They share their burdens and struggles with eachother and support eachother just like it says to do in the Bible. I am looking forward to the meetings every week now and I think 2011 could be an amazing year for me where I will finally let people in to see the real me. By real me I am not talking about SSA I just mean me in general. Like I said I may not share the SSA stuff for a long time but I mean I hope to let them see the real me that I show on this blog who I have always been hiding because of fear and shame.

Its been an amazing experience so far and its only been a couple of weeks. Thanks for all your prayers as you all really gave me the strength, encouragement, and self-esteem to do this. Can't wait to see what God has in store for me next! :)

I want to end this post with a quote from "The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom" by Henri Nouwen. This book has had a real impact on me. Its such a short book but so deep I have been reading and re-reading parts of it very very slow.I dont think its a coincidence that I read this part of the book for the first time just as I was joining the small group! Here it is:

"Friendship has been a source of great pain for you. You desired it so much that you often lost yourself in the search for a true friend. Many times you became desperate when a friendship you hoped for didn't materialize, or when a friendship begun with great expectations did not last....But now you must seek friends to whom you can relate from your center, from the place where you know you are deeply loved. Friendship becomes more and more possible when you accept yourself as deeply loved. Then you can be with others in a non-possessive way....Dare to love and to be a real friend. The love you give and receive is a reality that will lead you closer and closer to God as well as to those who God has given you to love."(pages 80-81)

Anyways this chapter really encouraged me to take a step out and trust God and dare to reach out and love and be vulnerable with others. But even more it made me realize I have to love myself first. After all if God loves me even though I sin and fail so often then surely I can love myself too and realize I am worth having as a friend. God is slowly helping me to do just that! I think I have taken a good first step in this journey to be more real with others and I pray God gives me the courage to continue to do so more and more!

Celibacy...A Gift?

"But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. But God gives to some the gift of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness." (1 Corinthians 7:7)

A friend recently posted this really good sermon about celibacy on a board I frequent. Here is the link to listen to it: http://www.churchrez.org/sermon/imitating-christ-in-celibacy/

It gave me alot to think about. I have always wondered how celibacy could be a gift since it seems so hard and the loneliness at times is so great. What kind of gift would make someone seemingly suffer and feel loneliness was my thought? I have always had the attitude that if its a gift I want to find the receipt so I can return it and get the gift I want instead lol :).

My biggest fear of living a celibate life is loneliness more than any thing else. To not have someone waiting for you after a long hard day of work, or to love you no matter what. The sexual aspect other than failing to M and P at times has not been as hard for me. Of course I have to continue to try and improve those areas with God's help but God has been really helping me lately especially on the P front. So its not the sex but the loneliness that makes the prospect of lifelong celibacy hard for me to accept at times.

Ok I got kind of side tracked for a bit. Back to celibacy and the church. It just has seemed to me that in the church today the single people are sort of swept to the side and sort of ignored while family and the joys of marriage are heavily emphasized, and are center stage. Sure there may be a singles group but even then its just other singles as if the rest of the church does not want to catch the disease of singleness or something. Instead of celibacy being celebrated as something equally as good as marriage many people in church look down on you like your strange, abnormal, or there is something wrong with you for not being married or having a family. Of least that has been my experience.

I have always had trouble seeing it as a gift and something as good as marriage. I guess its because I am lonely alot of the time and don't have a strong community like one needs to live a celibate life. But also because I guess I still hope for marriage to a woman even though its not likely because of my attractions. But this sermon really stressed how lost the church would be without its celibate members. They do so much of the work and devote alot of their life to the church. They dont have families of their own so they are able to go on missions trips easier to the far corners of the world. They have more time to pray, more time to serve, and more time to be there for others in need. They also have more time to get to know and love God one on one! I admit I have not been doing a good job at many of these things at all. I have not been making good use of my celibacy.

I think I have often treated marriage as an idol. I see others who are married and so happy and in love and are blessed with a loving family and I just dream of being them. I have always had a false view that if I could just be married then everything would be happy and care free. That I would then never be alone and always have someone to love. But I have to realize that there is great difficulty in marriage too its just you don't see it from the outside sometimes. I mean most of my relatives have been divorced and are on their second marriage so I guess being married is just as tough as being celibate just in different ways maybe?

Even Jesus says that its better for some not to marry:

10 Jesus’ disciples then said to him, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!”

11 “Not everyone can accept this statement,” Jesus said. “Only those whom God helps. 12 Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.” (Matthew 19:10-12)

I guess while I have been living the celibate life, I have not been embracing it and have been wanting healing from my SSA so I can be married to a woman. I have been treating celibacy almost as a curse instead of a gift. I have been resenting this gift. This sermon really made me think about alot of things. I really liked how the pastor said that celibates remind the church of the not yet and the unfulfilled promises and marriage reminds the church of filled promises and the now. And how the church needs both to support each other and be reminders of both Gods faithful promises today and the promises that wont happen until we get to heaven when the church is married to God instead of to one another. I still think that overall the church does not do a good job treating both celibacy and marriage as equally good and the church seems to really push marriage from my experience anyways. But I guess that no church is perfect since it is filled with humans.

Anyways this sermon was really good and gave me so much to think about. If you are like me and have been resenting the gift of celibacy then consider listening to this sermon as it really opened my eyes to alot of things. While I still hope for the gift of marriage I have decided I am going to try to embrace the gift of celibacy whether for a season or for my life and realize that yes it really is a gift that the Lord has seen fit to give me so I better use this gift to honor Him and not resent or reject it. Maybe it means He just wants to have me all to Himself with no marraige to get in the way? Who am I to refuse a gift like that from my Lord??


Lord help me to accept my celibacy as a gift from You. Help me to learn how to use my singleness to serve others and not as an excuse to feel jealousy, resentment, and unhappiness. If you do still have a plan for me to one day be married despite all the obstacles I face help me to not reject that gift either. If I am not to be married or in the meantime before marriage help me to find the community I need to fill my loneliness and to treat this as a gift to be cherished and used for Your glory and not as something that I should want to return! Help me grow and to be able to truthfully accept this as a gift and to be able to thank you for this gift and really mean it. Please forgive me for so often resenting this gift. I love you Father.

Wandering Thoughts for October 4

A few wanderings and small things that dont warrant a whole post for each.

-First of all I ordered "Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality" by Wesley Hill last week! It arrived on Friday. I have not had time to read it but have heard great things and I am really looking forward to reading it. If you have never read this amazing article he wrote on Ransom Fellowship titled “A Few Like You”: Will the Church be the Church for Homosexual Christians? check it out and maybe you will see why I am excited to read his new book! I will let you know how I liked the book when I finish it.

-I read a really good article by Albert Mohler today titled: Between the Boy and the Bridge — A Haunting Question about all the recent suicides of young men who struggle with homosexuality. It really challenges the church to get involved in the lives of young people struggling with this.

-Had a great weekend and enjoyed church. Went to a cookout with people from church and got to know some people a bit of least. I admit I was still very reserved but of least I went and did talk to some people! :) Also I had a long talk with my brother and he really is encouraging me to join a small group at church. I probably am going to finally do it soon. I know, I know I have said I would before but I think this time I really will. He thinks, and I agree, that it just would be alot easier for me to get to know people and get closer with people in a small group environment like that compared to everyone rushing home after church on a Sunday morning. So I hope I can take this leap of faith as its a big step for me to be vulnerable like that.

-Anyways just overall I have been feeling so much more positive about things lately and feel like my life is starting to improve. I feel like God is really working in my life and I am very slowly starting to open up a bit more to others. I still have a very long way to go but its a start of least. I thank you all for your prayers and encouragement please feel free to continue to pray as it is greatly appreciated!

Here are a couple verses from Psalm 34 I wanted to share that really encouraged me to keep trusting the Lord:

Psalm 34:8

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Please Let Me Off the Rollercoaster

Lately I just want to get off this roller coaster my emotions have become. I am just sick of it. One day I am feeling great and close to God thinking sure I will be fine and everything will work out. Then other days like today I feel its hopeless and I will be lonely the rest of my life. I just feel like its not fair sometimes that I struggle with this while others live a great life with a loving family. But then again I guess life is not fair. For whatever reason God seems to bless some with things like a wife and a family while others like me struggle with something as basic to their humanity as their sexual identity. Its hard to know why but I guess we wont know until we get to heaven. But I still choose to keep trusting God that He must have some kind of plan and purpose for me.

I am almost done with the Desires in Conflict book I have been reading. I have to admit at times it is painful to read as so much what he described seemed to be about me. Hearing his theory about SSA does make alot of sense but its painful to know that things in my childhood may have caused this. It makes me think if only misunderstandings about relationships had not occurred, if only I had more male friends and felt accepted as one of the guys. Maybe I would be married now with a family instead of lonely and confused. If only, if only, if only...

But there is no use wishing things had happened differently. They didnt and its a waste of time for me to constantly dwell on the past and wish I had done this instead of that etc... Plus maybe I would not like the person I would be if I met him today if everything happened different. Maybe that person would think he does not need God because everything in his life is great. Maybe when I get to heaven I will actually thank God for letting me struggle with this as it made me depend on Him when otherwise I would try to do things on my own? Maybe, but for now its a really hard struggle so I just have to keep trying and trusting in God day by day. I have to finally try to move forward and try to leave the pain behind. Its a hard thing to do since the pain has been with me so long of wanting to fit in but never being accepted by my peers, the loneliness, the feelings of guilt and shame.

Having said all that I actually had a good weekend last weekend though. I volunteered at church last Sunday to help set up the worship team. So I got to church around 7 am and we set up all the cables and instruments and sound system and stuff. Got to meet some other people and went out for coffee after we were done and before the service started. It was good and I felt like part of a team. I will have to do it again I think.



Lord please help me to be happy with what I have. Help me not to compare my life with others but just accept that some people have more struggles in life than others. I know its probably for my own good that you let me struggle with this even though its a painful thing and often its hard for me to understand. Please help me to trust You Jesus and to know that you only want whats best for me. Help me to form close relationships with other guys and finally feel accepted. I love you Lord and thank You for my life.

Caught In The In-Between

When will I finally realize that God loves me how I am? I know that is the truth yet I always feel like I am a failure because of my SSA. I see the life of other guys at church who have wives, or GFs and they just seem so much more Godly than me. I know its not true and they have problems and sin areas as well but I dont know it just seems like they sin less to me. Of course I guess you can never tell from the outside. They could be struggling with things that I cant even imagine much like they have no idea of this huge struggle I have. I wish we all could be more open about our sins and weaknesses at church! I think if things were more out in the open at church it would really help people not feel shame for whatever sins they have done in the past or struggle with now. Why do we all wear masks and pretend we have it all together? Its like we are trying to impress each other and pretend we are better than we are which is ridiculous considering at church we are a gathering of Christians and God knows what we all are really like! If God who is perfect knows the real us, sins and all, and still loves us why cant we as weak sinful humans share our sins and struggles with each other and still love one another? Just something I have been thinking about.

This song I posted below has really been speaking to me. There are so many stupid things that at times I put before God. Even beyond SSA issues. Material things, electronic gadgets, and all the trappings of modern society that draw my attention away from the God who made me, loves me, and forgives me.

Love this line especially: "And we run, we run, to finally be set free
But we’re fighting for what we already have received"

The victory is already secure! Even if in this life my attractions never change at all I can be sure that I will be set free of these struggles eventually even if it is not until I reach heaven and God makes me new. Between now and then there will be alot of hard times and temptations, but there will be tons of good times too. I cant let this struggle define me as a person. Instead of worrying I have to put my trust in God who has already helped me so many times that I have lost count. I can either wallow in self pity about my struggles with SSA or live life and thank God for saving me and loving me. I choose to live life.

We are caught in the in-between but God has already set us free!

All The Pretty Things
by: Tenth Avenue North
We are, we are, we’re caught in the in-between
Of who we already are and who we’re yet to be
We’re looking for love but finding we’re still in need
It’s only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep
And we’re waiting but our eyes are wandering to
All this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I’m fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me

And we run, we run, to finally be set free
But we’re fighting for what we already have received
So we’re waiting , but our eyes are wandering to
All this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I’m fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me

We are, we are, we’re caught in the in-between
But we’re fighting for what we already have received
We are, we are, we’re caught in the in-between
But we’re fighting for what we already have received

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I’m fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me

Promises

Here is the update about Sunday that I promised to post for anyone interested. I was going to post it yesterday but was not feeling well so never got around to it. Sunday was great and let me calm down from the stress I put on myself Saturday. The weather was a beautiful 68 degrees or so and sunny. I woke up early from a rather restless sleep you know the kind where you wake up every hour or so and notice the clock every time and keep thinking "will this night ever end?" So after getting up I went out to a local bakery had a fresh blueberry muffin and a coffee and then went to church. It was a great church service that really encouraged me. The service was all about how the promises of God can take time to fulfill because God is not on our timetable. The pastor talked about how God promised Abraham a son and it took 25 years for the promise to be fulfilled but eventually it was. The pastor said how the time between the promise and the promise being fulfilled is the most dangerous time for us as we doubt and fear that maybe God has forgotten us. We may grow impatient like even Abraham did when he tried to make the promise happen on his own by having a baby about 12 years after God promised him a son with another woman. That one act of trying to rush God's promise along has caused thousands of years of war and strife. Thats what can happen when mankind tries to do the job of God!

So I took from this message that maybe someday I will be healed but its not on my time table but God's. And maybe it is never to happen I dont know. But God is good either way and if its His will to heal me then it will happen in His time not mine. It is not something I can force. I may grow impatient like Abraham did but I have to have faith that God has a plan for me whether I am healed or not. I know for me it would be wrong to give into my temptations just because I am impatient at God's timing and may be attracted to males and want to give in to my desires. Maybe someday God will provide me with a wife in His time who will understand my struggles and love me anyways. Or maybe God will heal me completely. Or maybe neither thing will happen and I will be single and celibate my whole life. If that happens I have to trust God will provide for the loneliness I have at times in other ways. The point is I have to learn to leave it in God's hands and not worry so much. I have a real problem with worry. I go over every possible outcome, imagine what my life will be like if I am never to marry, and I just over-think everything. I have to leave it in God's hands. That is something that is probably easier said than done for me but it is something I have to work on and was glad I took it from this message at church. Anyways this message at church was just what I needed to hear at the time. God has a funny way of speaking to us just when we need it the most dont you think??