Dare to Love

Hey all its been awhile again! Just want to post an update if you care to read. First of all I have good news. I did indeed start going to a small group at my church! Last night was my second small group meeting. It has been really amazing. I have never really been in a small group since I was always afraid they would find out about my SSA. Anyways they really share ALOT in this group and are incredibly vulnerable to one another. Its really good for me to hear that other Christians have struggles too. Not that I did not already know that but seeing it and hearing the struggles first hand is just something I needed I guess. They have struggles but still love eachother and pray for one another and support one another. I already know and feel that at some point I will share my struggle with SSA with them. Probably not for awhile but I think I will someday. Its funny last nights meeting the topic was sharing your "impossible" prayer request. So we talked about that for awhile then went around the room and shared our impossible request. Some shared about unsaved loved ones, or family with cancer etc... Others shared personal things they struggle with. Anyways as they were going around the room I was terrified and like no way am I ready to share my "impossible" request. But I did come up with another thing that has always seemed impossible too. I asked them to pray that I feel safe to share about struggles and that I can open up more with them. I explained how I have many walls around myself and I really want to be more open with people in my life. Anyways they then of course pressed me further and we talked for a little while. They asked if it would be easier for me since I am quiet if they made it a point to ask me how I am doing in the group meetings and I said sure that would be great.

I am really happy and thankful to God that he gave me the courage to join this small group. I am finally learning what real Christian fellowship is and its a pretty amazing thing. They share their burdens and struggles with eachother and support eachother just like it says to do in the Bible. I am looking forward to the meetings every week now and I think 2011 could be an amazing year for me where I will finally let people in to see the real me. By real me I am not talking about SSA I just mean me in general. Like I said I may not share the SSA stuff for a long time but I mean I hope to let them see the real me that I show on this blog who I have always been hiding because of fear and shame.

Its been an amazing experience so far and its only been a couple of weeks. Thanks for all your prayers as you all really gave me the strength, encouragement, and self-esteem to do this. Can't wait to see what God has in store for me next! :)

I want to end this post with a quote from "The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom" by Henri Nouwen. This book has had a real impact on me. Its such a short book but so deep I have been reading and re-reading parts of it very very slow.I dont think its a coincidence that I read this part of the book for the first time just as I was joining the small group! Here it is:

"Friendship has been a source of great pain for you. You desired it so much that you often lost yourself in the search for a true friend. Many times you became desperate when a friendship you hoped for didn't materialize, or when a friendship begun with great expectations did not last....But now you must seek friends to whom you can relate from your center, from the place where you know you are deeply loved. Friendship becomes more and more possible when you accept yourself as deeply loved. Then you can be with others in a non-possessive way....Dare to love and to be a real friend. The love you give and receive is a reality that will lead you closer and closer to God as well as to those who God has given you to love."(pages 80-81)

Anyways this chapter really encouraged me to take a step out and trust God and dare to reach out and love and be vulnerable with others. But even more it made me realize I have to love myself first. After all if God loves me even though I sin and fail so often then surely I can love myself too and realize I am worth having as a friend. God is slowly helping me to do just that! I think I have taken a good first step in this journey to be more real with others and I pray God gives me the courage to continue to do so more and more!

Your Love is Strong

Last week I went to a big christian music festival and had the chance to see Jon Foreman perform this song live. It really spoke to me so much. It was such a beautiful setting in the mountains with dragonflys flying around and hawks flying above and nature everywhere. Anyways this song just really spoke to me when I saw it performed in person so I wanted to share it with you all here! I took a video of him performing it too that I posted on Facebook. I tried to post it here but it said the filesize was to big. So if you are my friend on Facebook check it out!

Gods love is stronger than all my fear, pain, rejection, and yes even my sin! Its incredible that He loves us so much. Why do I worry about things so much when the God who created the universe cares for me so much? If only I could really learn to accept his love and acceptance completely. Life would be so much easier if I could just truly not only know these things about Gods love but accept them completely and live like its really true.

Lord help me to accept your insane and crazy love for me. A love I do not deserve at all and yet you shower it upon me every day with the beauty of your creation. Every breath I take is another sign of your love. Help me never to forget your love for me. As this song says:
Forgive me a weary sinner
Keep me far away from my vices
Deliver me from these prisons that I helped to create for myself.

I love you Father!

Your Love is Strong
by: Jon Foreman

Heavenly father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world
And in my life

You give me the food I need
To live through today
Forgive me as I forgive
The people that wrong me

Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place

I walk to the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed then any girl
On her wedding day

So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need!

- Chorus -

Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found

Two things you told me
That you are strong and you love me
Yes, you love me

- Chorus -

Your love is strong

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
Deliver us from these prisons

Love letter from God

Today is a good day. Why you ask? Its a good day because I am alive and God created and loves me! But why am I suddenly in this better mood? Because I just read a love letter from God!

As I posted last week I am reading through Psalms right now. As you may know from my last couple of posts I have been kinda depressed and lonely lately. Well this morning during my reading of Psalms I just read Psalm 103 for the first time in years and I was reminded just how much God loves me. I am in awe at God's mercy and love! What an amazing chapter this is and an amazing God we have! Just as I was sinking and feeling depressed, unlovable and hopeless God leads me to this passage that is like a love letter to all of mankind. I am blown away by His love and mercy. My heart just lifted more and more as I read this chapter and I had tears in my eyes thinking about how great God is and how amazing it is that he loves and forgives a sinner like me.

This is why I have to continue to always remember to make time to read the Bible. Sometimes I need to be reminded what an incredible and loving God we serve.

If you are having a bad day and think God cant love and forgive a sinner like you or like me then I challenge you to read Psalm 103 and see if you still think that after.

Here is a small passage from it but seriously read the whole chapter!

Psalm 103: 8-16

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

Pretty amazing right? And there is a bunch of other stuff just as great in the rest of this chapter. Reading this made my day! Why do I sometimes give up pure, real, perfect love like that for some temporary sinful pleasure and lusts in this life of mine that is so short God compares it to the life of a flower?

Will I stumble and fail in the future? Sadly it is likely. Will I get depressed and lonely sometimes? Ya probably. But "He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities." The truth is I deserve death and to be far from God as do all sinners. But the insanely good news is that because of Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection God does not treat me or treat you how we deserve to be treated! Instead of death this passage says that God's love for us is so great its as "high as the heavens are above the earth". He loves me anyways despite the times I have stumbled or may stumble in the future and has removed my transgressions from me as far as the east is from the west. God is always ready to forgive me and give me a second, third, or 1,000th chance!!

I think I may print out this whole chapter and tape it to the wall so I can read it whenever I am feeling down. No love letter from a human could ever be so good!

Will tomorrow be a good day? I don't know but of least today is, not because of any changes in my circumstances, but because God saw fit to remind me of His love and I thank Him for that! Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Thank you Lord for being so good to a sinner like me. Forgive my doubts, fears, and many sins. I am but dust and yet you love me and forgive my sins. Please help me to always remember how much you care for me. Help me not to swallow the Enemy's lies that I am worthless and unlovable as these verses clearly show me how untrue those lies are! You cared and loved me enough to sacrifice your Son for one as lowly and sinful as me! I am humbled and in utter amazement Lord. I Love you Jesus.