What You Already Own

Thanks for anyone who prayed for me after my last post. I am feeling alot better today. I woke up this morning and the sun was shining the birds were singing and I was thankful to be alive. I really think I have to step away from thinking about this struggle so much. It has been consuming my every thought for the last couple of weeks. So I am going to take a break from posting for a few days and just be with the Lord and forget my problems. Its just all of this is pretty new for me because I have been in denial for years and have never talked about this stuff with anyone before I found your blogs and started posting here about a month ago. So reading everyones blogs, posting, and chatting over this last month has just been alot to digest. Although I have struggled with SSA since age 12 or 13 I have only really finally admitted to myself about my attractions recently and been dealing with this part of me for a month while most of you have been dealing with it for years. So all of this information is overwhelming for me sometimes.

Often I wish I would have had the courage to face this years ago instead of hating myself so much for having these same sex attractions that I buried it and could not face it. But I am thankful that God is helping me to start to deal with this now. I guess I am finally ready to process this. I mean just two months ago I would be absolutely horrified to be writing this stuff and admitting this huge struggle of mine. So I must be slowly growing a little of least right? Before finding these blogs a month ago I always figured I was the only Christian that struggled with this yet still was trying to live for God. Satan whispered to me for years that no one could ever understand or love me if they knew. I realize now he did that to isolate me so he could toy with me and tempt me with ease. I just have to realize it takes time to digest some of this stuff and I cant expect to just instantly be able to process everything and tell everyone I know of my struggle. God is definitely working in me though and helping me to realize how much He loves me and how I should not be so afraid to tell others in my life so I dont have to battle on my own. If God can still love me even though he knows everything about me and knows how I have failed so much than surely others can love me too!

I have been reading the Bible, listening to worship music and trying to get my mind off my problems alot since my last post. As I said earlier in the week I am reading through Romans right now. Well I just read Romans 12:1-2 and was really moved to prayer. Here it is:

1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Here is the prayer that I wrote in my journal and prayed after reading these verses:

"Lord I give you freely what you already own anyways, my body, and thank you for creating it. I am sorry I have not done the best job taking care of your creation and that it is so sinful and confused. Please take me as I am and transform me into the person you want me to be. If these same sex attractions are never to leave me help me to accept them as a weakness or thorn that you want me to have in order to show my faith and love to You all the more by resisting the things that my body may want. I cant do it on my own Lord so help me depend on you to get me through the temptations that the Enemy tries to place before me. Use my struggle to help me glorify, love, praise, and depend on you more than I would if I did not struggle with this. If you do see fit to someday heal me Father help me never forget the lessons I am learning now about trusting You no matter what. I love you Lord and I am sorry for sometimes doubting You and for my many sins and weaknesses. I am so unworthy of your love and yet you love me even more than I will probably ever realize."


Once again I thank you all for the prayers, encouragement, and advice you have given me. We are all at different stages on this journey and its great to be able to get advice and prayers from each other! God has blessed me by letting me get to know you through your posts and blogs.