Sunday, May 30, 2010

Day One

I don't remember if I posted here that about a month ago I decided to go on a one week masturbation fast. I have told of least a couple of people about this but not sure if I posted about it here. Anyways I decided to do this after a time when masturbation was really controlling me. I felt that every time I was excited I had to listen to my body and do what it said. Basically instead of me controlling my body it was controlling me and I was sick of it. So I prayed and told God I was going to fast from masturbation for one week but needed His help. It was the first time in my life I ever even really tried purposefully not to do this. Sure there had been times when I had not done it for a couple of weeks but I was not actively trying to resist the urge when I had it, I just did not do it for whatever reason. Well I will admit that week was very difficult but I made a promise to God and whenever the urge came I prayed for strength and was able to endure it.

Well a surprising thing happened when the week ended I was not ready to stop the fast and decided to try to keep on fasting to see what would happen. One week went by, two weeks went by, three weeks went by then almost a month went by and I still had not masturbated. It was so strange to me and after the first week no where near as hard to resist as I thought it would be. For the first time in my life I felt in control of myself. I did not have to just do what my body wanted I could ignore it and the feeling would go away. Instead of the urges getting stronger like I thought they would they were getting easier to ignore.

Well having said all that I confess that I gave in last night. I was having terrible insomnia and could not sleep. It was hot, I was uncomfortable, and I was tossing and turning. It was around 1:00 AM I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep so I just gave in and was like forget it this always worked and helped me sleep in the past so I did it. And it did help and I slept like a baby...for about 4 hours. Then I woke up and the urge was even stronger then it was before so I did it again. The first time I did it without fantasies or lust because it had been so long. The problem was the second time however I did lust and have fantasies.

Anyways I learned some things from this. First of all even though my body says to me that doing this will be a release and a relief it is not true as my flesh just demands more and more. I mean here I went a whole month not doing this and then after doing it last night 4 hours later my body was demanding me to do it again and the urge was much stronger than before I gave in the first time earlier in the night. So its a lie that just doing it will be a relief. Sure it will be a temporary relief but it seems to me the more I do it the more my body demands I do it again.

Anyways I learned some self control over the last month and will try to use those lessons going forward. Also I learned more about my body and how it really loves attention and when you dont give it the attention it wants it will quiet down eventually but when you do give it attention it will crave even more.

I still am not totally sure masturbation is a sin if one can keep from lusting. Sometimes I am able to do it without lust and fantasies but that is a really difficult thing for me to separate from it. I do see some benefits in the act as in the past I have done it to avoid looking at porn or giving in to other temptations. So I still am not sure where I stand completely on the issue. I do know that its never good for my body to control me though and I know lusting and fantasies are sins. So I feel overall its not wise for me to masturbate often.

So anyways I failed last night but I asked God for forgiveness and I am starting new today. I am very thankful that I feel no guilt at all now that I asked God for forgiveness which is just really great! I just realized that sure I messed up but I am only human and I know God still loves me and forgives me.

Day one begins now!


  1. AJ,

    Not sure if I have ever seen masturbate and fast sided by side! Like your post, I'm sure most of us have battled with the decisions you mentioned. It is true about masturbating without lusting but the next time is mostly a different story and yes, the more one does it the more the body craves it. As with anything sexual it seems our brain remembers every sexual scene we expose ourself to, every encounter, every fantasy, and I know that really feeds the desire to masturbate, etc. Shows that God was right in avoiding sexual immorality of any kind.

    God does forgive, He knows our weaknesses, is strength is ours to embrace as you are doing.

  2. "Not sure if I have ever seen masturbate and fast sided by side!"

    Ha I actually heard the term on someone else's blog and liked it so I decided to try it. :)

    I have a question for everyone. I just re-read this post and I have to say I sometimes wonder if I am getting to personal and telling to many personal details on this blog that people dont want to hear and may be offended at. If I was in person I dont think I would ever be able to talk about this and would be really embarrassed to admit it so its weird I can write about it with ease. I think its because I am used to writing in my journal but lately have been writing here instead so the really personal things I normally would write in my journal now are all over the internet and I sometimes forget that and get carried away. If you guys think I am getting to personal let me know and I will try to tone it down in future posts.

  3. Praying for you, AJ.

    I think your post is entirely appropriate as a journal entry of personal issues you are focusing on. If anyone is offended, they can just hit the back arrow.

  4. Thanks Jeff I need the prayers. I seem to be back in the same old habits as I did it again last night. Now I am feeling guilty and like I should have resisted more that first time. I have fallen into this cycle again.

  5. Hi AJ. Thank you for your genuine honesty. That is such a rare quality these days. Like Jeff said, if people find your journal entries offensive they can simply exit with the click of a mouse. Clearly this journaling is a tool for you to openly express youself. It is so imporant to be able to do that. Too many people bottle things up because for fear of what others might think and then end up harming themsleves pyschologically or physically. Your sharing is helping many others who may be going through similar issues to you.
    So in all that you do, continue to hold on to God and ask for His leading.

  6. Thanks Shane really appreciate the kind words and encouragement.