I have been thinking alot lately about mistakes I may have made in the way I dealt with my SSA all these years. Since I had never talked to anyone about my issues until I started my blog a few months ago I was just doing what I thought was best. I figured since I was attracted to guys then its obvious that I must keep away from guys and not form close friendships with them. I did not want them to find out my secret and did not want to stumble and fall with a guy. Well because of that I really have not had close male friends in a long time. And I am realizing from reading posts people have been making and chatting with others that I may have been handling things wrong. That not interacting with guys and not having close friendships with guys probably made my attractions and lusts for guys even stronger then they would have been as I felt like I was not one of them. This makes me really sad and hurts me deeply when I think about it. Because how do you make up for the lost time and experiences and growing up you missed? You can try but in reality you can't really. Of least not in the way it would have happened more naturally at that time.
One of my biggest regrets is that I did not go away to a christian college and live the dorm life with other guys. Once again it was a case of me doing things with the best of intentions only to realize now I was probably all wrong. I figured that I could not handle seeing guys in their underwear and undressing and sleeping in the same room and stuff for 4 years in the dorms. I thought I would be aroused 24/7 and never be able to study or think straight. I mean when you see straight christian guys attracted to females you dont see them go live with a bunch of them who walk around their rooms in their bra's to try and lessen their attractions you know what I mean?? So I figured I would treat males like straight guys treated females and not move in with a bunch of guys who I figured would cause me to lust. So I did what I thought was the right thing and picked a local state college to go to that I commuted to. I formed no real friendships there since I just drove in, took my classes, and drove back. Plus I think if I had told anyone there of my struggles they would have just encouraged me to act on them. I realize now that if I had gone away I would have been forced to be with other guys all the time and may have come to realize I am just like them and maybe been accepted and opened up more and felt like one of the guys. Maybe not but it could not have hurt.
Why did I let my SSA get the best of me and control my life? I was such a fool to let my struggles control me. So I am in this weird position of sadness over something I thought I was doing right at the time. I have to get over the anger I have for myself. Its like now its so clear what I should have done that I dont know why I could not see it then.
So where does this realization leave me now? Well glad you asked. What can be done now about the past? Nothing. I cant relive those years so I have to realize its useless for me to spend time worrying about things I may have done wrong in my struggle with SSA. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time so I cant dwell on it. I guess everyone hurts some time or another about things in the past. Its better to hurt than to be in the numb state I have been in for years (although sometimes i would prefer the numb state lol). So now I am trying to think of other ways to make close male friendships and relate with guys. Its ALOT harder now than it would have been then as most of the guys my age are married and far to busy with family life to form close friendships. Of least with a single guy. I notice married people have no trouble going out with new couples they meet but seldom go out with single people. I guess they think single people have a disease or something and dont want to catch it lol.
But I am going to try to go out of my comfort zone a little and reach out to people more.I am thinking of joining a small group at my church hoping that will let me get closer to people. Maybe that will be a way I can get closer male friends? There are not many other options really as I am kinda quite and have real trouble just introducing myself to random people. Also I have been trying to go to more functions like BBQ's and have been hanging out with acquaintances and friends of my brothers from church and that has been working too as I find I am more comfortable around his friends lately so I will continue doing that.
Anyways I am just thinking out loud to myself about my options of trying to reconnect with the male world. Forget reconnecting how about connecting for the first time lol. I definitely long to be accepted by other males and have male friends. This is all stuff I should have learned as a teenager but didnt because I felt different and separate from other males because of my SSA. Makes me wonder who would even want to be friends with someone as slow at learning basic life lessons as me lol. But I know thats just satan telling me lies. And that someone out there wants a new friend lol :).
If anyone else has any ideas or anything on making friends with guys or anything please post a comment.
Lord when I think about my past and the mistakes I made dealing with this and the way I let my SSA and fear control my life it fills me with great sadness and regret. I should have trusted You. Help me not to dwell on my past mistakes in dealing with this Lord. Instead show me the way to having the close friendships and acceptance I have longed for my entire life. Thank you Lord for having patience with me as I know it must be frustrating to watch me stumbling and messing up all the time as I try to deal with all my problems and sins. Help me not to deal with my sins alone but instead rely on You. I know that you are remaking me patiently and lovingly into the man you want me to be and I am so thankful I am learning these things now of least. I love you Father.
So good to see that you are really stretching yourself to attend more functions so you can have the opportunity to find a friend or friends. If you hear of other guys and their stories you will find you are not the only one who feels slow at learning life lessons, I know I sure feel that way but so do many others when they are honest. One thing, don't hold back even though you see someone who is talkative and outgoing, I have found as a quiet guy they are good people to be around, you may be surprised, they might need someone to listen. Look and listen for someone who talks about certain things you have an interest in, as Photography or something else.
ReplyDeleteYou are on the right track, grow as the Lord leads.
Thanks stan! Thats great advice as I am a really good listener! Glad to hear I am not the only slow learner. But hey Slow and steady wins the race right. lol :)
ReplyDeleteAnyways thanks Stan I always appreciate your comments and encouragement.
Hey AJ, just stumbled on your blog. It is encouraging to read from another believer who's struggling with the same thing. I hope that what I write can be encouraging or enlightening to you in some way.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I've read, my circumstances are very similar to yours, except that I am a bit younger than you, still in college. About 10 months ago was my breaking point. Since then I've been really trying to seek God in this area and in my whole life. I haven't fallen back since then, but dealing with attraction to some of my friends has been extremely hard at times, trying to discern the line between legitimately fleeing temptation, and avoiding or withdrawing from people for fear of it.
I know I've been blessed with very accepting and non-judgemental brothers in Christ. This summer I lived in close quarters with some of them at a summer training program. I laid open at the beginning about my SSA. It was a little rough sometimes with half-dressed guys everywhere. But in the end I struggled more with beating myself up then I did with actual temptation. It was a huge boost to my confidence as a guy, just to live with them and have them treat me normally.
I ended up spending this summer living in tight quarters with 8-12 other believers. It was rough at times, but in the end I really gained a lot of confidence in myself feeling 'normal', like 'one of the guys'.
I know you may not have the same opportunities at your season in life, but I would encourage you to seek out those relationships in the church, especially in a small group. I don't know where you are at with being open with people (it took me awhile), but I've found being open with and accepted by a group of christian guys has been really good in helping me to see and accept myself as God sees me.
I can relate very well about being a shy, reserved person. At times I've beat myself up about that just as much as I have about SSA. But like stan said, being quiet is not a negative trait. Good listeners can be hard to come by sometimes, and they are well appreciated by others.
That being said, one of the biggest and simplest things that's helped me come out of my shell a little bit - goes hand in hand with listening - and that is: ask questions! People love to talk about themselves, and its amazing how far I can hold a conversation sometimes with just asking the other person about themselves. They doubly appreciate it when you actually remember things they've told you (still working on this part... I have trouble simply remembering names a lot of the time!)
Anyways, sorry if I rambled, but if I could leave you with a bit of encouragement to try not to focus all the time on this. I've found when I am focusing on my relationship with God, or on serving others, that SSA seems less of an issue, whereas if I am focusing and thinking about it so much, that's when I start beating myself up.
Praying for ya. God is very patient with His children. I sometimes wonder how He felt when, every year of high school, I would break down at some point, rededicate myself to Him, and ask Him to please take away my addiction to pornography. He always responded. I'd feel filled with the Holy Spirit, and for awhile, pornography wouldn't tempt me. And then, a few days into my new, closer walk with God, I'd hear a little voice in my head that wouldn't go away saying, "Tim, you need to tell somebody about your struggle. You need to get help from other Christians. Trust me." And every time, I said, "No God. I can't let them know. It would be too embarrassing and shaming. I don't want anybody to know how messed up I am." Within weeks, I would fall back into sin and God would fall back unto the backburner. It was easier just to not think about Him. Then, I felt less guilty. It took years before he broke me down to the point where I had to open myself up to Him and other people. And thus began healing....
ReplyDeleteI think one of the most helpful things to realize when we start thinking about what could have been is to recognize that we always compare our current situation to the ideal alternative. Things could have been a lot worse as well. When I realized all of the things that I could have done and all of the things that others could have done to me that would have severely damaged me, I have to be thankful for God's grace and presence in my life, in spite of my mistakes.
Also, as a humorous side note, I recently read an article in The Atlantic which referenced Rhesus monkeys. Supposedly, of animals, these monkeys have some of the most similar psychological issues and environmental impacts as humans. For example, they have the same genetic indicators of higher depressive tendencies as humans do. Anyway, in Rhesus clans, male monkeys are forced to leave after a few years and try to enter a new clan where they can mate and have children. 80% are relatively normal. They leave at the normal time. Some of them get killed by males of clans they are trying to enter, but most eventually make it into one. 10% are very aggressive. These usually overly challenge males of other groups and die. The final 10% are described as neurotic. They never rough house with the other young monkeys. They always seem afraid of stuff. They never cause trouble, so the females of their clan don't kick them out like the other boys. They hang around for years longer than other males their age. But, eventually, they do leave, and by then, they have developed such advanced mediation skills that almost all of them get into a clan without being killed and are able to mate. I know it's not as encouraging or true as the fact that God has a plan for us, but maybe we're kind of like those neurotic monkeys. :P I know I have a personality very similar to my dad's, and though he never struggled with homosexuality, he also didn't get married until his thirties. Some people just move much more carefully.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting Tommy! Glad you found my blog.
ReplyDeleteThats great that you have been able to be so open and honest with your friends and live in such tight quarters with them and glad to hear it made you feel more "normal" by the end of the summer! Sounds like that would be a very encouraging experience.
Right now I am not very open at all with my struggle with SSA. Only my brother and his wife know and I only told them about a month ago. I know if I join a small group at some point I likely will have to tell them too as hearing others share their struggles I will not be able to hold back forever. So that would be good for me even though it would be scary.
Ya man I am just like you in regards to the shy thing! I beat myself equally up over that as I do my SSA! At times I even blame by shyness on causing my SSA. Its hard to know which came first my shyness or my SSA though. As I was not as shy before puberty so I dont know if I became shy because of my SSA and feeling inadequate as a male or what.
Great advice about asking questions to others to lessen my shyness. I am reading a book about shyness now and that is one of its suggestions too! The book says people love to hear themselves talk and having someone show an interest so if you ask questions you can have a long conversation just listening and asking questions and hardly say anything and by the end they will think your a great conversationalist lol. :) So that is something I am going to try to do more! I am glad to hear that this actually works and you have tried it!
Anyways I dont think you rambled at all and I am glad you posted! Stop by again sometime!
Hi Tim. Loved that story you shared about the monkey! Ya I am alot like him lol. It made me laugh to compare myself to a monkey so thanks for making me smile.
ReplyDeleteYea in the past I also heard that small voice in my head whispering to me to tell someone of my struggle. I always ignored it and silenced it though like you described because I did not want people to know how messed up and sinful I really was. I am sure it was Satan screaming in one ear telling me I would be rejected and scorned if I told anyone and God calmly whispering in the other that it would lead to help and healing. Its to bad I was deceived for so long and did not listen to God earlier. But in the end God won out as He always does!! I finally was completely broken and crying and begging for His help and he delivered and lead me to other christians online who struggled with the same thing that He used to give me the courage to tell my brother and his wife as a start. And I have already felt some healing as my relationship with my brother is much closer than before and my brother even shared his struggles with me. And we forgave each-other for some things in the past. I also feel closer to God in these few months than I have in all the years before. I guess thats what happens when you obey.
Great point also about not focusing on regrets about the past and only thinking of the perfect outcomes that may have happened . Maybe something else would have happened that was not positive I cant forget that. Your right I also should be very grateful for God helping me not acting on these feelings and attractions. That is pretty huge as it would be even harder for me moving forward if I had acted on them with another guy. So I have to be grateful to God for that for sure!!
God has brought me to where I am now even despite my many mistakes and failures! So I have to try to keep trusting even when it gets hard!
I took a very similar direction in life. It wasn't until around 2006 that I realized I'd been making a very huge mistake and needed to change what I'd been doing. I wish you the very best at making friends, and hope you will begin feeling more and more accepted. And I want you to know that despite however you may feel at times (because doing these things can indeed be frustrating and difficult at times) you're worthy of those things. :)
ReplyDeleteGod bless.