Monday, November 29, 2010

Update Time

Well I promised an update so here is one! :) I realize I have not been blogging as much. Its because alot has been going in in my life. Basically after this post a couple of months ago (Hope?) I decided to really try to change my perceptions and the way I look at things and look at myself. This was thanks in large part to the encouragement and advice you guys gave me which I am very thankful for. So I have been trying my best to reach out and be myself for a change around other Christians. Almost every weekend I have been doing stuff whether game nights, bowling, dinners, or Halloween parties. This has all been in an effort to try and get to know some people better and hopefully let them know me. I admit I still am a very shy guy and after years of hiding so no one could know the "real" me it is only natural that this will take some time for me to get used to this idea of opening up and allowing intimacy. Its at times hard not to lose patience with myself but I am going to keep trying. I have a weird fear of intimacy but also a craving for intimacy. Both sides of me battle it out and I end up just being awkward in social situations. Of course I am introverted by nature so I dont think I will ever be talking non stop or anything like that. But I am a GREAT listener and I know more about whats going on in a group then anyone lol. So I think if I can use my gifts of encouraging and listening people will maybe relate more to me and want to talk. I have not been completely successful yet but I am slowly improving and trying. Anyways everyone has been really nice and goes out of their way to like cheer me on when we went bowling or to try to get me to say more lol :). I feel good when I am around them so I hope I can continue to try and open up more. I just hope they dont see my quietness as me not wanting close relationships as nothing could be further from the truth.

The key for me is to not always judge myself at the end of the night. I always have a tendency to be like well tonight was a failure since you did not come home with 5 new best friends. Or I am depressed I still am not really close to them. But this takes time even more so with me because of my awkwardness and shyness. So I am really trying not to judge myself and am learning to dismiss the negative thoughts I have about myself as not being good enough for them to want me as a friend.

I have some more pretty exciting news. Well when I went bowling it was not just a random group but it was with a small group at church I am thinking about joining! It was a thing they had planned and they said I could come as a way for me to get to know them a little better. I have been nervous it would not work out and I would not be allowed to join since everything has to be approved. But the leader told me he talked to the church and its all set and I can come anytime. After hearing that I was filled with excitement, thankfulness, and FEAR. Now I have no excuses. I have a small group I am signed up with, they seem to like me, I liked them, so ya why am I afraid? Well its the whole intimacy thing again. I have been hiding from things like this my whole life it seems so people would not find out about my SSA. So if you want to pray for me I would sooo appreciate prayers that I have the courage to actually go now that its all setup.

I know for other people this is no big deal at all to join a small group but for me it is a big deal. It would be really good for me I think. And I could hopefully get to know them better and they get to know me. I admit my biggest fear is still my SSA thing as when people share about their struggles I dont want to act like I have no struggles and am fine when this is not the truth at all.That is what I have done my whole life and it sucks being fake. Yet I would have to really trust someone before telling them of my struggles so it will take time. The question is what do I tell them in the meantime when they are sharing struggles and prayer requests? Still thinking about that. I feel at some point if/when I do go and keep going and like everyone and it feels safe I will probably have to tell them about it. But that is something I am trying to get out of my head since its not something that has to be done anytime soon and its probably Satan putting that thought in my head to further try and discourage me and dissuade me from even going. In the past he has had great success at that but I think I am sick of him and his lies finally. Thank God for that.

So ya there is alot going on. Prayers are greatly appreciated. Very excited, nervous, anxious, and thankful for everything that is going on in my life. God is so patient with me its just amazing to me how all this is happening.

The question is will I go this week? Next Week? hmmm.

Stay tuned...

6 comments:

  1. AJ,

    Sounds like things are changing for you, bit by bit. Staying busy and getting involved is hard at times, especially of you are naturally shy, but I am happy for all the activities you have had the courage to get involved in. Sharing our lives with people is what makes it richer. We learn from them, they teach us about ourselves, everyone profits!

    I am excited about hearing about this small group. Ours at church has become a second family to me. I was nervous as well for so many reasons, but over the last few years we have grown so close. The time the share more of our lives, eat together, study and worship as a group, serve the community and each other has been awesome. Just take your time and let life happens as it goes. I was worried about how I would be accepted by all the different people but it has been challenging and amazing. We all come from different places but find ourselves following Jesus.

    I will praying for you man as life transitions and things continue to look different for you each and every day. What a journey you are on. Never thought God could use a bunch of strangers and some blogs, huh? :)

    Jude 24-25

    Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present [you] faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,

    To the only wise God our Saviour, [be] glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.

    Daemon

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  2. Awesome! I'm SO glad you're going to hopefully be in a small group. You don't have to rush telling them really personal stuff, and don't beat yourself up for waiting awhile. I completely understand the fear of intimacy and the craving for intimacy. I felt both for years. They were kind of a vicious cycle, because fear of intimacy made me avoid it, which made me crave it. Then, the craving made the desire seem so intense and often sexualized that I literally felt like my psychological supports and defenses were crumbling whenever I tried to be open with people, which caused me to fear psychological collapse and sexual acting out resulting from intimacy. But, both the fear and the craving have pretty much resolved themselves now, and I'm hopeful (in the Biblically "trusting in the certainty of God's promises" sense) that they will resolve for you as well. :) Every small step of courage and attempting to listen to the Spirit's leadings will help. Praying for ya!

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  3. Ya good points Tim. I am going to try and take it slow about telling them and not rush things.

    I am glad I am not alone in the wanting intimacy but fearing it as well. Ya you described it perfectly the emotions I go through of wanting to open up but then recoiling and fantasizing even more because of it. Its just a real help to know that others like yourself have gone through this and come out in a much better place at the end thanks to trusting God and leaning on Him. You have greatly encouraged me over the last few months and I thank you for the continued advice and prayers.

    Yea I am hopeful too that things will continue to improve. So thankful for the small changes I have already seen in my life and the slow start I am expereincing formign closer relationships with other Christians. Its showing me that this is something that I do indeed want even though its something I fear as well. I am going to keep trusting God and taking small steps of courage dy by day or week by week, Like going to a small group etc.... Thanks so much for the prayers!!

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  4. Thanks Daemon for the prayers and words of encouragement! Also thanks for sharing your experience about joining a small group! I am hopeful that I will have similar closeness with this group over time like you have with yours!

    Ya I never would have imagined how God would work in my life in this way! Its amazing. Awesome verses too!!

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  5. I'm glad your update had so much positive news! Hopefully, things will continue to improve for you.

    One suggestion I'd make is to eventually expand your network of friends to include those outside of church. Maybe get involved in an organization that interests you. Btw, does your job offer you any opportunities to connect with people?

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  6. Thanks gaypk. Honestly I think I want Christian relationships right now first. I am not saying I would not be friends with someone who was not a Christian but I just think its important for me to have a base of Christian friends who can be good examples to me maybe? Right now I dont have much of a "network of friends" to begin with lol. I am starting to be closer with the people I have been doing things with but I guess I dont know when or if I have officially been accepted as a friend. Thats kinda weird to say but I dont feel like I am quite in the friend stage yet but I could just be a bad judge of knowing.

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