Monday, April 12, 2010

Our eyes met across the room

Last night I was visiting with my parents and went out to dinner with them. Well as we were ordering this other guy around my age walked in to the restaurant with his parents and was seated right near us. It was a small restaurant and we where the only people there since it was early. He seemed to be staring at me from the moment they came in and he was eyeing me and looking at me the whole meal. It was actually more than just looking at me he was actively trying to get my attention. I guess he must have figured that not many single straight guys go to dinner with their parents or something? My parents had there back to him so they could not see all of this thankfully. I tried to just ignore him but every time I looked up from my plate he would be looking right into my eyes grinning knowingly at me with his eyes sparkling. At one point I sort of got hypnotized and stared back into his eyes before snapping out of it. As our eyes met he seemed to look right inside of me and I could tell by the look on his face that he knew the truth about my attractions that I always try so hard to hide. I admit I got kind of excited at the thought of this good looking guy apparently being attracted to me and my heart was leaping and skipping inside my chest. This has not happened often in my life that a guy was this obviously attracted to me as I am very careful to not give off any vibes.

After this momentary connection I did not know what to do so basically ignored him the rest of the dinner and just stared at my plate and fork even though I did not want to. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do? I hope I did not offend him. He was probably lonely too. But I really did not know what to do.

As we paid for the meal and I hurriedly left I couldn't help but glance over my shoulder one last time. In the car ride home I wondered what would have happened if I had shown him more interest back? Although deep inside I know its probably good I did not even though I wanted to.

Am I always to be alone? Why cant I have someone to love? I know that God probably uses my loneliness and pain to draw me closer to Him in maybe ways I would not be able to if I was straight but its still hard sometimes. I wonder if God has any kind of plan for me? I will just have to trust Him. If God has not abandoned me yet I guess He never will!

I sometimes think life must be so much easier for people that are "normal". Its probably not true but thats what I imagine. Who knows though maybe I would be a totally different person if I did not struggle with same sex attractions. Maybe someone that God would not be happy with. Could it be this very thorn I struggle with is what makes me realize how weak I am and how much I need Jesus? Is it possible without it I could be far from Him?


  1. I'm a sucker for the romantic moments in life...

    Well, you're obviously someone worth staring after! Wonderfully and fearfully made and even a stranger can notice that. Keep that knowledge precious. It has nothing to do with attractions.

    Personal rant: you are not supposed to be alone. Don't ever accept that. We are called to be integral parts of the body of christ in a serious and meaningful community with the christians around us. Church isn't a building or a place to sing together, but the people who build you up, love you, and help you find and stay on the path God has for you. Every christian is called to be a part of that church and help create it. It's not the type of romantic love you were talking about, but I think that it's the basis of the love we're commanded to do, and what should exist behind any romance. It also happens to be rather fulfilling. It hurts that I can guess that you aren't able to have that right now. But it is important. Even Joe Dallas says to get thee to people you can love and lean on. Especially when called to intentional singleness, it's very important to not actually be alone. God provides all sorts of relationships and community to compliment and deepen our relationship and community with him. ...if only they weren't just as hard to find.

    So: you're someone worth desiring, you're meant to be loved by lots of people, and your weak and need Jesus. Sounds like a well rounded christian to me! ;)

  2. Thanks jahteo for the encouragement, advice, and kind words! Yea I know I have to try and form better relationships with other Christians at church. I have so many things to work on its overwhelming sometimes. I am a really shy and quite person so that makes it hard to open up to people and it does not help that I have this secret I am always hiding about my attractions.

    I dont know its all just so overwhelming. I dont know why I am so emotionally and socially undeveloped. Probably becuase of the method I chose to deal with my SSA was to close up and not let people in. I was sure no one could love me if they knew the truth. Now its really hard to change that even though I hate the feeling of being alone. Please pray for me that I can have courage to open up to other Christians and find a loving Christian community like God wants for us.

  3. AJ,

    I saw your comments on Karen's blog. As was the case for Karen, I found that talking to other people about my struggles with SSA was very, very helpful for me in several ways. Like where you are now, I started out taking the approach of closing up and not letting people in. I was a very shy, quiet person like yourself. I actually started dealing with SSA and talking to people about it the same time I started college. My dorm experience really helped to "break me out of my shell" in a lot of ways, not just with the SSA stuff, and now I'm quite a bit less shy than I used to be. (I went to a small Christian college in the Midwest. I'm perfectly willing to give more details via private e-mail if you like, but I try to avoid having public posts that can be traced back to me easily.)

    I did find that my relationships both felt closer and actually became closer after I shared my struggles. I did feel a lot less lonely and much more relationally fulfilled having guys in my life who knew about my SSA and continued to relate to me as they would any other guy friend. I'm not going to pretend it will solve all of your relational difficulties or that you'll never feel lonely again, but if you're like me, opening up somewhat will really help.

    I did find that quite a few people continue to love me after I tell them about my struggles just as they did before. In fact, I often feel more loved, because I know they're not just loving some fake image of me, and some relationships do grow deeper as I mentioned before.

    Remember that you are a beautiful child of God no matter what anyone thinks! There are many Christians who do see us that way. We just don't often hear about it, because so many of them don't know about people like us. (That's why I'm at a stage of trying to be even more open, even when it won't necessarily benefit me directly, to help others who have these struggles.)

    These things do take time and can be quite difficult. If you're like me, you'll probably have a few awkward times trying to bring yourself to talk about your SSA and freezing up a few times before you manage to tell someone. But it does get easier over time and with practice! Don't get down on yourself just because you're having trouble or not growing as fast as you would like. I'll be praying for you!

    Just for a bit of background (I really should just start a blog at some point so it can just be linked), I am a Christian who is, and at least since puberty always has been, attracted to both sexes. So although I am currently completely single, (heterosexual) marriage is a real possibility for me. That makes some things a lot easier. I really admire my friends (such as Karen and Jay, who you link to) who don't have any opposite-sex feelings and follow Christ nonetheless.

  4. Neo,
    Thanks so much for your comment and telling me about your process of opening up! Its a big encouragement to read that others had good experiences when they told people of their struggles with SSA. Yea I really really want to open up to others and be myself. I hate putting on this fake smile and acting like everything is just fine around others. Its just become such a habit and safety net its tough to tell them how weak I really am. But I really want to!

    I almost said something this past weekend while at my brothers house. Well not really but I thought about it. :) Which is honestly a first as in the past it never even crossed my mind to tell anyone.

    Having this blog and a place to share my struggles and reading the other blogs has been a HUGE help to me. I wish I had known about these blogs years ago. Just knowing that there are so many other Christians out there with the same struggle has given me more courage and helped me not to feel like I am alone with this struggle.

    Thanks so much for the prayers I appreciate them!
    That is another reason I am glad I started this blog. Before no one even knew what I was going through so obviously no one was praying for me about this stuff. Now I have all you guys praying for me and it just means so much to me.

  5. AJ,

    You said,"In the car ride home I wondered what would have happened if I had shown him more interest back? Although deep inside I know its probably good I did not even though I wanted to."

    I can answer from personal experience. Yes, it is very good that you did not show him interest back by returning the stare. That would be flirting, which is dangerous and can lead to more sexual stuff.

    About 2 years ago I felt a strong attraction to a very good looking guy I saw in a convenience store and, I am ashamed to say, I stared at him. He stared back, then walked over and started a conversation with me. The conversation was full of sexual hints and I knew then he wanted to hook up with me. I almost gave him my phone number, but God convicted me of sin at that moment and gave me strength to resist. I stopped the conversation and left right then without exchanging phone numbers.

    That was too close. It would have been far better if I had never stared.

  6. Ya your right MR. I know its good that I did not show more interest as it would have only led to problems and hurt. Anyways nice to see you here! Thanks for commenting!!