Last night I was visiting with my parents and went out to dinner with them. Well as we were ordering this other guy around my age walked in to the restaurant with his parents and was seated right near us. It was a small restaurant and we where the only people there since it was early. He seemed to be staring at me from the moment they came in and he was eyeing me and looking at me the whole meal. It was actually more than just looking at me he was actively trying to get my attention. I guess he must have figured that not many single straight guys go to dinner with their parents or something? My parents had there back to him so they could not see all of this thankfully. I tried to just ignore him but every time I looked up from my plate he would be looking right into my eyes grinning knowingly at me with his eyes sparkling. At one point I sort of got hypnotized and stared back into his eyes before snapping out of it. As our eyes met he seemed to look right inside of me and I could tell by the look on his face that he knew the truth about my attractions that I always try so hard to hide. I admit I got kind of excited at the thought of this good looking guy apparently being attracted to me and my heart was leaping and skipping inside my chest. This has not happened often in my life that a guy was this obviously attracted to me as I am very careful to not give off any vibes.
After this momentary connection I did not know what to do so basically ignored him the rest of the dinner and just stared at my plate and fork even though I did not want to. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do? I hope I did not offend him. He was probably lonely too. But I really did not know what to do.
As we paid for the meal and I hurriedly left I couldn't help but glance over my shoulder one last time. In the car ride home I wondered what would have happened if I had shown him more interest back? Although deep inside I know its probably good I did not even though I wanted to.
Am I always to be alone? Why cant I have someone to love? I know that God probably uses my loneliness and pain to draw me closer to Him in maybe ways I would not be able to if I was straight but its still hard sometimes. I wonder if God has any kind of plan for me? I will just have to trust Him. If God has not abandoned me yet I guess He never will!
I sometimes think life must be so much easier for people that are "normal". Its probably not true but thats what I imagine. Who knows though maybe I would be a totally different person if I did not struggle with same sex attractions. Maybe someone that God would not be happy with. Could it be this very thorn I struggle with is what makes me realize how weak I am and how much I need Jesus? Is it possible without it I could be far from Him?