Down but not out

Hey guys

Did you ever just wake up depressed? Well thats what happened to me today. I was just thinking about church last week. As I have posted before I am a really shy person so dont have many friends. I really tried to give off a friendly vibe and try to talk to some people after the service but everyone pretty much seemed to ignore me. So I ended up just drinking coffee alone in the corner. There is this friend of my brothers who I have met before and I was drinking coffee after church downstairs talking to my brother and he came up and they were talking and I said hi and tried to work my way into the conversation but he pretty much just seemed to ignore me. I dont know that just really hurt me. It just seems that no one ever gives me a chance. I think everyone misunderstands me and they think I want to be alone because I am shy and quiet. The truth is I ache for friends. I guess people must be able to tell I am needy or something so they avoid me. Maybe I dont deserve friends thats what I sometimes think. I would probably just be a burden anyways. Its my own fault anyways for building up this wall to protect myself from letting others know of my struggle with SSA. The wall is to thick now I fear I never will break through it.

I'm just a coward. After all this time I still cant even get up the courage to tell my family of my struggles with SSA never mind anyone else. Although last week I came closer than I ever have to telling my brother and his wife after the cookout when everyone else left. But they had alot of work to do so I chickened out because I did not want to take up their whole day. I just dont like to be a burden and I fear our relationship will change once they know. It would kill me if after my brother knew we did not hang out because we are friends but instead because he feels bad for me.

Anyways I cant really think of a way to end this post. If anyone has any advice on how to open up to others and tell them of my struggles with SSA I would love to read it! Sometimes I just dont know how to start the conversation like I dont know if I should just mention it in the course of a normal conversation or be all serious and say I have something I am struggling with and need to talk or whatever. But any advice at all anyone may want to share on how to tell others about this struggle I would really appreciate reading.

Ok thanks for listening.



(Hey btw did anyone get the pun in my post title??) :-)

Whispers

Last night I was reminded about just how good Satan is at tempting us. As I was surfing the net a thought popped in my head about how good I have been lately not looking at porn. It went something like this:

"Wow I am doing pretty good have not looked at porn in awhile and right now I am not even really missing it." Then suddenly I could almost hear the whisper of the master of lies: "Why not just look at a few pictures? Nothing to serious just as a reward for how good you have been. No one will ever know and it wont hurt anyone. Plus you deserve this."

I was horrified! Satan was using my own pride against me and trying to get me to reward myself for not looking at porn... by looking at porn!! Its so twisted. I'm so twisted. I immediately prayed and asked Jesus to take these thoughts from me and protect me from Satan's lies. This time I was successful in resisting, thanks to God not me, but its a reminder that I always have to be on-guard. Satan will use any opportunity to speak his lies and try to ensnare me.

I have been under attack with temptations alot lately, even as I sleep. Satan is working over time. I really wish he would just take a day off and let me be. :( Oh well I guess the good news is God doesn't take a day off either. Please pray for me that these temptations will lessen and I will be able to recognize when a thought is just another of Satan's lies.

Disappointment with God

About a month ago I finished reading a book by Philip Yancey called "Disappointment with God". I was feeling pretty depressed and sort of angry at God when I read this book. In the book Yancey poses three questions about God. Is God unfair, Is He silent, and is He hidden. To try and answer these questions Yancey talked about Job for a good portion of the book. Here was a man who was one of Gods favorites and yet he was put under intense trials and suffering not for anything he did wrong but because God wanted to prove to Satan that Job would love him even in pain. Here is one passage of Yancey's book that really hit home for me:

For Job, the battleground of faith involved lost possessions, lost family members, lost health. We may face different struggle: a career failure, a floundering marriage, sexual orientation, a body shape that turns people off, not on. At such times the outer circumstances-the illness, the bank account, the run of bad luck-will seem the real struggle. We may beg God to change those circumstances. If only I were beautiful or handsome, then everything would work out. If only I had more money-or at least a job-then I could easily believe God.

But the more important battle, as shown in Job, takes place inside us. Will we trust God? Job teaches that at the moment when faith is hardest and least likely, then faith is most needed. His struggle presents a glimpse of what the Bible elsewhere spells out in detail: the remarkable truth that our choices matter, not just to us and our own destiny but, amazingly, to God himself and the universe he rules.

Yancey goes on to say:

All the reasons for disappointment with God that I have mentioned in this book, as well as all cancers, all deaths, all broken relationships, all the collected groanings of our savage planet-all these imperfections will be wiped away. We may at times question God's wisdom and lose patience with his timetable. But all the prophets' lavish promises will someday come true, and we, you and I, are the ones selected to help bring this about.

Why the delay? Why does God let evil and pain so flagrantly exist, even thrive on this planet? Why does he let us do slowly and blunderingly what he could do in an eye blink?

He holds back for our sakes. Re-creation involves us: we are, in fact, at the center of his plan. The Wager, the motive behind all human history, is to develop us not God.

This really blew me away. Some of it is stuff I knew already but for some reason I understood it better this time. I sometimes question (ok often question) why God does not just heal me of these homosexual feelings instantly. But it could be God is more interested in seeing how I show my faith and obedience to Him despite these feelings than He is in providing me with a quick fix. If I did not have this thorn in my side maybe I would never realize how weak I am and how in need I am of Jesus's sacrifice, love, and forgiveness. After all God has given me so much why do I always focus on the negatives? He gave me life, a place to live, food to eat, and his very Son died for me.

So I choose to trust God and continue on this path of resisting my same sex attractions with Jesus's help and love. Its not easy and I am sure I will mess up many times. Its alot harder then giving in but no one ever said this walk would be easy. But God has shown me how much He loves me time and time again and I know He will be by my side as I struggle with this and pick me up from the dust when I fail.

Anyways if you are feeling Disappointed with God or even with yourself I highly recommend this book. It has been a great help for me and I find myself going back to it often.

Better

Feeling a bit better this morning. I slept on an air mattress with my bare feet hanging off the end and my brother has forced hot air heat here and I guess my feet were hanging right over the vent when the heat came on this morning. I was cold so that was a great way to slowly wake up having warm air blow on my cold feet and making me warm and toasty. Even had a bit of a dream right before I woke up about laying in the sun that i think the warm air on my feet caused. I guess little things make me happy lol. :) Getting ready to head out to church and worship our amazing, forgiving, loving God! Having a family cookout after so today should be good.

One day at a time.

Sorry to everyone reading all this I probably post to often. I know from my posts here you all must think I never stop talking in person. Hopefully I have not scared everyone off. I am maybe to dramatic here. Its funny because in person I am really shy and reserved. But actually thats just on the outside inside I over think everything and am very dramatic and take things personally. I am maybe to sensitive. I need to get my thoughts out so i post them here instead of letting them drive me crazy. Oh and if you think this is bad you should see my journal. lol :-)

Hope everyone has a good day.

...

I am at my brothers house for the weekend. Its 1:12 AM and i am on my laptop. I am really feeling very down. I just am so tired of it all. I know i should be over all this and just accept the fact I will be alone forever and realize its good to suffer for the Lord but i guess i am just immature for my age. I am a failure at life and love. Sometimes i really wonder whats the point in fighting what i am? I just really long for human touch right now so much. The only human touch i get is maybe a quick hug hello or goodbye. Nothing more than that and i guess i never will get more.No one to fall asleep with and stay warm with on a cold winter night or to rub my shoulders when i am stressed (like I am now). I just always will be the third wheel hanging around happy couples of family and friends and realizing at the end of the day I have to go home alone.

Seeing how happy my brother and his wife are makes me jealous and i hate feeling that. I am happy for them beyond belief but i guess jealous of their happiness because deep inside feel i never will be allowed to find love. Dont know if that makes sense.

sorry for the depressing post i just had to let it out.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow though. Maybe that will brighten my mood. ok i am gonna try to get some sleep.


Lord have mercy on your lonely child. Please give me some hope and peace. I am trying to trust You Jesus.

Set me free

I love blasting the song "Free" by Switchfoot really loud and singing it at the top of my lungs. Oh and can't forget the air guitar too! :) It really speaks to me as there are so many areas in my life where I want freedom. First I long to be free of these same sex attractions, I don't know if that will ever happen completely but I still believe God can work miracles. If that is not to be though then I would love to have the freedom to tell those I love of my struggle and for them to love me the same. I want to bulldoze this prison wall I created around myself and be free to open up to others.

I know I am free to do that and tell people of my struggle at anytime but I guess like the song says "The chains that hold me back inside are the prisons of my mind". I have been hiding my pain and struggles for so long that the chains seem pretty heavy. But of late I am starting to wonder if that is an illusion and it could be they are really rusty and weakened. Maybe Satan has just been whispering and lying to me about how strong these chains are and how no one could ever love me if they knew my secret struggle so he can keep me alone in my prison where he can watch me suffer and tempt me easier.

Please pray for me that God will provide me the courage I need to finally tell some people in my life of my struggles with SSA and that they will respond in a loving way. And that I can form closer relationships with other Christians who will just see me as one of them. A child of God who is sinful and broken but trying to find my way home.

This song is my prayer today and always.

Free
by: Switchfoot

I've got my back against the wall
But I still hear the blue sky call

The chains that hold me back inside
are the prisons of my mind

- Chorus -
free,
come set me free
down on my knees
I still believe you could save me from me
come set me free
come set me free
inside this shell
there's a prison cell

I try to live the light of day
why would I do what I hate

But when I try to reach above
I only I hurt the ones I love

there's a hole in the neighborhood
where the shadows fall

there's a hole in my heart but my hope
is not in me at all

I had a dream that my chains were broken
broken, broken, broken open 

free

Some Wandering Thoughts for April 23

Last night while brushing my teeth before bed I got some amusing wandering thoughts in my head and since that is the name of my blog I figured I would share them with you!

Thought #1 while brushing my teeth: Maybe I should become a monk. Would be great to run away from all my problems and get to wear a cool brown robe like a Jedi Knight.

Thought #2 as I spit out my toothpaste: Hmm wait I see two problems with this idea:

1. Im not a Catholic so dont think I would be allowed.
2. What if I have some good looking monk for a roommate?

Thought #3 while rinsing with some mouthwash: Wonder if gay monks are allowed to stay with the Nuns? :-)

Just some wandering thoughts I had while getting ready for bed!

Thankful

Last night as I was praying I thanked God for leading me to this blog community for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I also thanked Him for all you guys, my brothers in Christ who struggle with SSA like me. So I figured I would post here to tell you all! Seriously you don't know how much it means to me to find other Christians who are in the same struggle as me and know what it is like. For so long I have been struggling with this on my own in secret. To read your thoughts, successes, dreams, and failures and pray for you, and ask you to pray for me and be able to be honest with you is awesome! I have never had many male friends that I could be myself around and I have never been this open and honest with anyone in person. So its great to feel like I can be myself when I post. I am looking forward to getting to know you all better!

I wish I had known that there was a blog community of fellow Christians struggling with same sex attractions a long time ago. Maybe alot of things in my life would be a little better now if I had known earlier as I find I am drawing courage and strength from reading how you guys handle things and seeing I am not alone in having this struggle but still trying to live for God. But better late then never! For the first time in my life I seriously am considering opening up to some people in my life about my struggle and that is thanks mostly to reading your blogs and seeing how you all deal with things. I am so thankful God saw it fit for me to find this blog community at a time when I was really feeling alone, down, and hopeless.

Anyways just wanted to tell you all that your blogs and honesty have really meant alot to me. This struggle we have I believe is one of the toughest things any christian could be faced with since we are misunderstood on all sides. Even many churches seem to prefer to ignore us and pretend we don't exist rather than try and support us on our very tough and at times very lonely walk. So its inspiring to see how brave you all are in sharing not only your struggles and failures but all the successes and good things God has provided too! Anyways just wanted to encourage everyone to keep up the honest discussions and know that your blogs are helping other Christians out there who struggle with SSA some who may be to afraid to post, they sure have helped me!

-Your appreciative brother in Christ

AJ

Overcoming Sin and Temptation

Thanks to a few posts on Joe's blog (http://alreadybutnotyetresurrected.blogspot.com/) about John Owen's books about Temptation and Sin I decided I wanted to try and read one of his books too as it seems like they go really in depth on the subject. Joe gave me his recommendation on which book to buy so the one I got was "Overcoming Sin and Temptation" a collection of three books on Sin and Temptation by John Owen.

I must say its a tough read but already I am learning alot and I am not very far in. This is really powerful stuff! Hopefully I don't need a PhD to understand it all and don't get to bogged down in the old language. :) It is slow going as I sometimes have to re-read a sentence two or three times but it has been worth it so far. Wish me luck (or even better pray) that I continue to not only read this important book on sin and temptation but also understand what Owens is saying!

The day I knew I was different

When I was 12 or 13 years old my parents gave me a book by Dr. James Dobson titled "Preparing for Adolescence". Well I just found that book again the other day at the bottom of a box of old books in my parents basement. Upon seeing the cover a wave of bad memories poured over me and I almost threw it to the floor. I instantly remembered it was when I read this very book that I realized I was different then others. I had been confused as to why I was attracted to males so I read through it like crazy trying to see if my feelings of being attracted to guys were normal. I was hoping that they would go away and I would be "normal". The book kept talking about being attracted to the other sex and changes to the body etc. , but nothing seemed to apply to my same sex attractions. Well finally on page 85 there it was a description of me and a new word I had never heard before...homosexual. I had no idea what it meant but I knew it was me after reading it. As far as I can recall (sorry no way am I reading this book again to make sure) this was the only mention in the entire book about homosexual thoughts. Here is the entire passage:

"Wouldn't it be awful if I became a homosexual? A homosexual is someone who is not attracted to the opposite sex, but who is attracted to the same sex. It's a boy's interest in boys or a girl's interest in girls. Homosexuality is an abnormal desire that reflects deep problems, but it doesn't happen often and it's not likely to happen to you."

That was it. A 200 page book on preparing for adolescence with one paragraph on homosexual thoughts. What really made me have a deep sense of sadness when I found the book again the other day was the page was still folded. I must have folded it when I was 13 and probably was so confused I did not know what to do with this information. After that the rest of the book pretty much just ignored the topic from what I can remember.

So needless to say I was very confused after reading this. Apparently I was a boy with "deep problems" and I did not know what to do. The book gave no advice on what to do if you had these attractions but just said you were deeply abnormal if you had them. From that point on I vowed to never let my parents or friends know. I built a wall around myself that to this day has not been broken. Although I am really trying to break through it and open up to others. This blog is a first step in that.

Looking back as an adult now I so wish that Dr. Dobson had given some kind of advice as what to do if you had these feelings. Maybe tell a parent, tell your pastor, tell your youth leader, or give some sort of advice. I really think now that if that little paragraph was going to be the only info on homosexual thoughts in the whole book it probably should have been removed and not even talked about. I was just an innocent and confused 13 year old kid wanting to know what was going on with my attractions and the only thing I read in this book was that I was apparently a freak since "it does not happen often" and not only was I a freak but I was a freak with "deep problems". I to this day wish I had never read that book. All it did was make me feel like more of an outsider and start me on the path of keeping people at a distance that I am still trying to overcome today.

How did you first find out what a homosexual was? Was it as bad as my experience? Did you read it in a book or hear about it from friends or what?

Heavy Hearted Again

This song has really meant alot to me since I first heard it last summer at a Glorious Unseen concert. The Glorious Unseen are one of the most honest worship bands out there IMO. They tackle tough issues of doubt, struggle, and forgiveness in their songs. I am always put in a humble place when I listen to their music and just want to worship the Lord.

Anyways this song is how I am feeling today.

Heavy Hearted
by: The Glorious Unseen

What is the meaning of grace, when it speaks to my darkest place?
Why do I always feel like I’m Your disgrace? I’m sick of saving face.

And when I feel so heavy-hearted, I know You’re taking me back!
And when You take me as I am, it’s like the sunlight gracing the land.
And when I feel heavy-hearted - please, come and take my hand. Heavy-hearted again.

Where is the message of hope, when I’m sick and I’m all alone?
Why do I listen to doubt? Why do I shut You out? You’re what I need the most.

And though I feel so heavy-hearted, I know You’re taking me back!
And when You take me as I am, it’s like the sunlight gracing the land.
And when I feel heavy-hearted - please, come and take my hand.
Heavy-hearted again, heavy-hearted.

It’s so crazy - how You sustain me!
When I am down in the dirt - You come and claim me!
Father, Your burden is light. I need Your love tonight. I’m reaching out to You.

And when You take me as I am, it’s like the sunlight gracing the land.
And when I feel heavy-hearted - please, come and take my hand. Heavy-hearted again.

And when You take me as I am, it’s like the sunlight gracing the land.
And when I feel heavy-hearted - please, come and take my hand.
Heavy-hearted again. I’m heavy-hearted again...
I’m heavy-hearted again... but so close to You.

Our eyes met across the room

Last night I was visiting with my parents and went out to dinner with them. Well as we were ordering this other guy around my age walked in to the restaurant with his parents and was seated right near us. It was a small restaurant and we where the only people there since it was early. He seemed to be staring at me from the moment they came in and he was eyeing me and looking at me the whole meal. It was actually more than just looking at me he was actively trying to get my attention. I guess he must have figured that not many single straight guys go to dinner with their parents or something? My parents had there back to him so they could not see all of this thankfully. I tried to just ignore him but every time I looked up from my plate he would be looking right into my eyes grinning knowingly at me with his eyes sparkling. At one point I sort of got hypnotized and stared back into his eyes before snapping out of it. As our eyes met he seemed to look right inside of me and I could tell by the look on his face that he knew the truth about my attractions that I always try so hard to hide. I admit I got kind of excited at the thought of this good looking guy apparently being attracted to me and my heart was leaping and skipping inside my chest. This has not happened often in my life that a guy was this obviously attracted to me as I am very careful to not give off any vibes.

After this momentary connection I did not know what to do so basically ignored him the rest of the dinner and just stared at my plate and fork even though I did not want to. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do? I hope I did not offend him. He was probably lonely too. But I really did not know what to do.

As we paid for the meal and I hurriedly left I couldn't help but glance over my shoulder one last time. In the car ride home I wondered what would have happened if I had shown him more interest back? Although deep inside I know its probably good I did not even though I wanted to.

Am I always to be alone? Why cant I have someone to love? I know that God probably uses my loneliness and pain to draw me closer to Him in maybe ways I would not be able to if I was straight but its still hard sometimes. I wonder if God has any kind of plan for me? I will just have to trust Him. If God has not abandoned me yet I guess He never will!

I sometimes think life must be so much easier for people that are "normal". Its probably not true but thats what I imagine. Who knows though maybe I would be a totally different person if I did not struggle with same sex attractions. Maybe someone that God would not be happy with. Could it be this very thorn I struggle with is what makes me realize how weak I am and how much I need Jesus? Is it possible without it I could be far from Him?

Love letter from God

Today is a good day. Why you ask? Its a good day because I am alive and God created and loves me! But why am I suddenly in this better mood? Because I just read a love letter from God!

As I posted last week I am reading through Psalms right now. As you may know from my last couple of posts I have been kinda depressed and lonely lately. Well this morning during my reading of Psalms I just read Psalm 103 for the first time in years and I was reminded just how much God loves me. I am in awe at God's mercy and love! What an amazing chapter this is and an amazing God we have! Just as I was sinking and feeling depressed, unlovable and hopeless God leads me to this passage that is like a love letter to all of mankind. I am blown away by His love and mercy. My heart just lifted more and more as I read this chapter and I had tears in my eyes thinking about how great God is and how amazing it is that he loves and forgives a sinner like me.

This is why I have to continue to always remember to make time to read the Bible. Sometimes I need to be reminded what an incredible and loving God we serve.

If you are having a bad day and think God cant love and forgive a sinner like you or like me then I challenge you to read Psalm 103 and see if you still think that after.

Here is a small passage from it but seriously read the whole chapter!

Psalm 103: 8-16

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

Pretty amazing right? And there is a bunch of other stuff just as great in the rest of this chapter. Reading this made my day! Why do I sometimes give up pure, real, perfect love like that for some temporary sinful pleasure and lusts in this life of mine that is so short God compares it to the life of a flower?

Will I stumble and fail in the future? Sadly it is likely. Will I get depressed and lonely sometimes? Ya probably. But "He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities." The truth is I deserve death and to be far from God as do all sinners. But the insanely good news is that because of Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection God does not treat me or treat you how we deserve to be treated! Instead of death this passage says that God's love for us is so great its as "high as the heavens are above the earth". He loves me anyways despite the times I have stumbled or may stumble in the future and has removed my transgressions from me as far as the east is from the west. God is always ready to forgive me and give me a second, third, or 1,000th chance!!

I think I may print out this whole chapter and tape it to the wall so I can read it whenever I am feeling down. No love letter from a human could ever be so good!

Will tomorrow be a good day? I don't know but of least today is, not because of any changes in my circumstances, but because God saw fit to remind me of His love and I thank Him for that! Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Thank you Lord for being so good to a sinner like me. Forgive my doubts, fears, and many sins. I am but dust and yet you love me and forgive my sins. Please help me to always remember how much you care for me. Help me not to swallow the Enemy's lies that I am worthless and unlovable as these verses clearly show me how untrue those lies are! You cared and loved me enough to sacrifice your Son for one as lowly and sinful as me! I am humbled and in utter amazement Lord. I Love you Jesus.

A day at the Beach

It was an absolutely beautiful spring day on Saturday. Pretty much perfect weather. I got the chance to go out by the ocean with my brother, his wife, and my parents.

I had a great time overall but this blog is my place to share my inner feelings that I hide and bottle inside so I know this is going to make it sound like I was miserable all day but I was not. I just wanted to make it clear that it was a fun time and these are just passing thoughts I had while I was enjoying the day that did not take away from the fun and good time spent with family that I enjoyed. Ok just wanted to make that clear. Now on to my thoughts.

As I said it was a beautiful Spring day and we all decided to meet by the ocean to enjoy the day. Anyways a little more about me and my family first. My brother is a few years younger than me and got married to a great christian girl about a year ago. I still cant believe he is married. Makes me feel even more inadequate as a man than I do already when I remember my younger brother is married and I am like this. Sometimes I wonder how he turned out "normal" but I am this confused mess. But I am so happy that he is "normal". I thank God often that my brother does not have to go through what I am going through. Also the fact that he is married and happy is great for my parents as of least they dont have to worry about him as much as I think they worry about me.

Anyways got to do lots of walking and thinking and got to enjoy the sun and amazing weather. Since it was so warm there were lots of couples out and about enjoying the day. I saw of least 3 or 4 gay couples. Its strange up until about a month or two ago I never used to notice but now I actually look to try and find them. I don't know why its just interesting to me to see what their life is like. I am not really attracted to females much at all but when walking around Saturday or really anytime whenever I would see a young happy straight couple I would just get this twinge of sadness and feel in my soul that is what I long for to have a wife and a family. It makes sense as that is what God intends for us, but somehow I messed it up, or my sinful nature messed it up, or satan messed it up, or something messed it up. Its kinda hard to start a relationship when I would be more attracted to a woman's ex-boyfriend then her. I guess I am just one hugely confused and messed up person.

At times on Saturday I felt a bit like the third wheel. I had my camera and I found I was taking everyone elses picture but was only in like one of the photos myself and I had to basically ask to be in it. No one ever said "hey lets get a shot of you and your brother" or "everyone squeeze in for this photo" instead I just took all the photos. Looking through the viewfinder as I took photos of my family I saw all the happiness that I will probably never have. The other side of that lens may as well have been 1000 miles away I felt so far from what they have. At times I felt like some sort of hired photographer that was just along to take photos of people I hardly knew or something. I know thats a terrible thing to say but thats what I felt at the time.

I hung out with them for probably 3 hours but did not say to much. Its probably because nothing ever changes for me so there is not much to say. Whats to talk about when I am always single, and dont have much exciting to talk about or many friends. Plus I am really quite and have trouble opening up so that does not help. I am not shy around my parents or brother but I am a little bit around my brothers wife still. She is great though and he is really lucky to have found her! I always have trouble opening up and communicating my feelings no matter who I am around primarily because I am afraid to let people in for fear they will see the real me that I try to hide.

Because of this most of the talking was done between my parents and my brother and sister-in-law. They talked about hoping to have grandchildren soon, about the new house my brother and his wife just bought, white picket fences, 2.5 kids and stuff like that. I guess thats good since I sure wont be providing any grandchildren anytime soon. I mean what do I have to say about any of those topics? Not much. So i just listened in and enjoyed the weather and watched the ocean waves pound the shore. And probably thought to much like I usually do (hence this blog post). :)

I pretty much just walked a few paces behind the four of them as we walked along the trail and felt kinda alone. Occasionally I would chime in on the conversation but I felt like I did not have much to contribute. I wish I was not a coward and could tell them how I sometimes feel: alone, left out, confused. As the day was ending and we got closer to the water the waves crashed relentlessly against the shore drowning out the conversation, the crashing waves reminded me of the confusing feelings and attractions always plaguing my mind and body that seem to drown out anything good inside of me.

I could not help but feel like all I did was drag everyone down and that they would have been happier and had more fun on this trip if I had stayed home.

But then who would take the photos??













Lord Jesus please take a hold of my drowning hand and pull me to safety from the storms raging inside my mind and body to Your perfect love.

Easter Mystery

Happy Easter everyone! Lets try to never forget Christ has risen and washed our sins clean!!

This is one of my favorite Charlie Hall songs and its perfect for Easter.

Mystery
by: Charlie Hall


Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven, broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus, Mystery

Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus, Mystery

Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again

Celebrate his death and rising
Lift your eyes, proclaim his coming
Celebrate his death and rising
Lift you eyes, lift your eyes

Celebrate his death and rising
Lift your eyes, proclaim his coming
Celebrate his death and rising
Lift you eyes, lift your eyes

Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

Family Gatherings...A time to be grilled

I know that not many people really read this blog since its new but I have a question. With Easter coming up this weekend it is another family event where I will again get grilled about being single. I am at the age where it seems most of my friends are now married or getting married soon and even my younger brother is married. So I never know what to say in these family situations. What do you say to your uncle when he asks why you did not bring your GF or to your grandmother when she asks why I have "not found a nice girl to marry yet?" I usually just sort of nervously laugh and say that I have not found the right girl. But its always very uncomfortable and makes me feel defensive. Anyone have any suggestions on a good response? Does anyone else get asked these questions at almost every family holiday? Or maybe I just have a nosy family? :)

Sometimes I wonder if some of them suspect I have these homosexual feelings and may almost be making fun of me behind my back by asking me every time. I imagine that they laugh to themselves as I clumsily try to come up with some new excuse to answer the same questions every year. But that is probably just my imagination as I am sure in reality they love me and are worried I am always alone.

It seems I am the gay member of the family that every extended family seems to have of least one of (or of least thats the way it is in the movies). Pretty much all my cousins are married and some already have kids even my brother is married. Everyone seems as happy as can be. I know its never as good as it looks on the outside looking in (it cant be since a couple of my older cousins are already on marraige #2!) and don't get me wrong I am happy for them all but still I long to be like them. When the family gathering is over they all get to go home with the person they love and their family. But I return to an empty lonely apartment. I wonder if they realize how lucky they are?

Argh I better stop writing I am depressing myself. Sorry for going off on a bit of a rant.