Strange Dream

Hmm I had a strange dream last night. Its probably not much of anything but since I remember it and its so strange i figured I would post it. Maybe someone who reads my blog is a master dream interpreter and will know what if anything it means :) . It may be kind of a boring dream though but it was just so weird and I dont remember many of my dreams so this stood out to me.

Ok for some reason in my dream I was growing white facial hair. It was really like super long stubble that was white growing out of my face. It was not like a normal beard but rather like longer than normal white stubble growing. It was painful and my face hurt from it and others in my dream were telling me to cut it off. So in my dream I cut the strange white hair/stubble off with a razor and the pain went away. Then I woke up.

Of course I felt my face when I woke up to make sure everything was ok and before I could fall asleep again I had to look in the mirror to make sure I did not have a white beard all of a sudden or anything lol. Yea I told you it was strange. Dont know if there is any meaning at all or just a random strange dream. Anyone have any ideas? :)

I need your touch

"I'm crying out come rescue me with love. Like a child needs a night-light in the dark. Lord light me up I'm lovesick for just one touch. Your all I need but you never seem to be enough"
Tenth Avenue North
Lovesick

Hey all sorry for not posting lately. You may remember a month or two back I posted how I thought I finally had my masturbation struggles sort of under control. Well those days are long gone and I struggle with it often now. I also want to confess that I gave into looking at porn for the first time in awhile last week. That of course made me feel like crap for a little while too. But I prayed and asked for forgiveness and told my accountability partner and thankfully got over the guilt and shame I was feeling. Psalm 130 is a passage that really encouraged me.

I dont know I am realizing that its when I am feeling lonely that I am the weakest. The problem is I am lonely most of the time. I just cant seem to get the close relationships with others that I want. Sometimes I feel like my only purpose in life is to be an example of a lonely person to make other Christians grateful for their families and close friends. I know thats wrong but at times I think it anyways. I just cant get over my fears of opening up and letting myself be vulnerable to others. I am afraid of being rejected and judged. The thing is I want to be vulnerable but just dont know how to start.

This past weekend was good though but made me realize all I miss out on. We had a family reunion and there were lots of hugs and physical contact and stuff. It just made me realize how much I crave human touch. I dont get it often at all since I dont have many close friends. When I am craving it I find I end up trying to fulfill my cravings myself by masturbating and/or looking at porn. Dont really know what to do to fulfill this human need of touch. A handshake is not enough I want hugs and real intimate contact like rubbing each others back, and resting my head on their shoulders and stuff like that. I dont know I am just pathetic at making close friends where we would be comfortable doing this I guess.

Ya I know God should be enough much like it says in this song. He should be enough but as humans we are weak and seem to need more. But God made humans this way to crave touch. He probably did that for a reason since He knew we will need to comfort and be close to eachother to get through this hard life. I have been pretending I am not human and dont need these close relationships for so long its hard to transition out of it and be human and vulnerable to others. I so want to. But its hard.

So anyways please pray for me that I can resist trying to fulfill my need for close relationships and human touch with other things like porn and masturbation.

Ravi Zacharias on Homosexuality and the Christian

This video is from 2009 so may be old but its new for me so I wanted to share it. Someone from the audience asked Ravi Zacharias a question about being a Christian and homosexuality and I just really liked his answer. He was honest and logical with his beliefs yet still showed compassion and understanding for those that struggle with this. If you have some time give this video a look.

Your Love is Strong

Last week I went to a big christian music festival and had the chance to see Jon Foreman perform this song live. It really spoke to me so much. It was such a beautiful setting in the mountains with dragonflys flying around and hawks flying above and nature everywhere. Anyways this song just really spoke to me when I saw it performed in person so I wanted to share it with you all here! I took a video of him performing it too that I posted on Facebook. I tried to post it here but it said the filesize was to big. So if you are my friend on Facebook check it out!

Gods love is stronger than all my fear, pain, rejection, and yes even my sin! Its incredible that He loves us so much. Why do I worry about things so much when the God who created the universe cares for me so much? If only I could really learn to accept his love and acceptance completely. Life would be so much easier if I could just truly not only know these things about Gods love but accept them completely and live like its really true.

Lord help me to accept your insane and crazy love for me. A love I do not deserve at all and yet you shower it upon me every day with the beauty of your creation. Every breath I take is another sign of your love. Help me never to forget your love for me. As this song says:
Forgive me a weary sinner
Keep me far away from my vices
Deliver me from these prisons that I helped to create for myself.

I love you Father!

Your Love is Strong
by: Jon Foreman

Heavenly father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world
And in my life

You give me the food I need
To live through today
Forgive me as I forgive
The people that wrong me

Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place

I walk to the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed then any girl
On her wedding day

So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need!

- Chorus -

Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found

Two things you told me
That you are strong and you love me
Yes, you love me

- Chorus -

Your love is strong

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
Deliver us from these prisons

Mistakes, regrets, and moving forward

I have been thinking alot lately about mistakes I may have made in the way I dealt with my SSA all these years. Since I had never talked to anyone about my issues until I started my blog a few months ago I was just doing what I thought was best. I figured since I was attracted to guys then its obvious that I must keep away from guys and not form close friendships with them. I did not want them to find out my secret and did not want to stumble and fall with a guy. Well because of that I really have not had close male friends in a long time. And I am realizing from reading posts people have been making and chatting with others that I may have been handling things wrong. That not interacting with guys and not having close friendships with guys probably made my attractions and lusts for guys even stronger then they would have been as I felt like I was not one of them. This makes me really sad and hurts me deeply when I think about it. Because how do you make up for the lost time and experiences and growing up you missed? You can try but in reality you can't really. Of least not in the way it would have happened more naturally at that time.

One of my biggest regrets is that I did not go away to a christian college and live the dorm life with other guys. Once again it was a case of me doing things with the best of intentions only to realize now I was probably all wrong. I figured that I could not handle seeing guys in their underwear and undressing and sleeping in the same room and stuff for 4 years in the dorms. I thought I would be aroused 24/7 and never be able to study or think straight. I mean when you see straight christian guys attracted to females you dont see them go live with a bunch of them who walk around their rooms in their bra's to try and lessen their attractions you know what I mean?? So I figured I would treat males like straight guys treated females and not move in with a bunch of guys who I figured would cause me to lust. So I did what I thought was the right thing and picked a local state college to go to that I commuted to. I formed no real friendships there since I just drove in, took my classes, and drove back. Plus I think if I had told anyone there of my struggles they would have just encouraged me to act on them. I realize now that if I had gone away I would have been forced to be with other guys all the time and may have come to realize I am just like them and maybe been accepted and opened up more and felt like one of the guys. Maybe not but it could not have hurt.

Why did I let my SSA get the best of me and control my life? I was such a fool to let my struggles control me. So I am in this weird position of sadness over something I thought I was doing right at the time. I have to get over the anger I have for myself. Its like now its so clear what I should have done that I dont know why I could not see it then.

So where does this realization leave me now? Well glad you asked. What can be done now about the past? Nothing. I cant relive those years so I have to realize its useless for me to spend time worrying about things I may have done wrong in my struggle with SSA. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time so I cant dwell on it. I guess everyone hurts some time or another about things in the past. Its better to hurt than to be in the numb state I have been in for years (although sometimes i would prefer the numb state lol). So now I am trying to think of other ways to make close male friendships and relate with guys. Its ALOT harder now than it would have been then as most of the guys my age are married and far to busy with family life to form close friendships. Of least with a single guy. I notice married people have no trouble going out with new couples they meet but seldom go out with single people. I guess they think single people have a disease or something and dont want to catch it lol.

But I am going to try to go out of my comfort zone a little and reach out to people more.I am thinking of joining a small group at my church hoping that will let me get closer to people. Maybe that will be a way I can get closer male friends? There are not many other options really as I am kinda quite and have real trouble just introducing myself to random people. Also I have been trying to go to more functions like BBQ's and have been hanging out with acquaintances and friends of my brothers from church and that has been working too as I find I am more comfortable around his friends lately so I will continue doing that.

Anyways I am just thinking out loud to myself about my options of trying to reconnect with the male world. Forget reconnecting how about connecting for the first time lol. I definitely long to be accepted by other males and have male friends. This is all stuff I should have learned as a teenager but didnt because I felt different and separate from other males because of my SSA. Makes me wonder who would even want to be friends with someone as slow at learning basic life lessons as me lol. But I know thats just satan telling me lies. And that someone out there wants a new friend lol :).

If anyone else has any ideas or anything on making friends with guys or anything please post a comment.

Lord when I think about my past and the mistakes I made dealing with this and the way I let my SSA and fear control my life it fills me with great sadness and regret. I should have trusted You. Help me not to dwell on my past mistakes in dealing with this Lord. Instead show me the way to having the close friendships and acceptance I have longed for my entire life. Thank you Lord for having patience with me as I know it must be frustrating to watch me stumbling and messing up all the time as I try to deal with all my problems and sins. Help me not to deal with my sins alone but instead rely on You. I know that you are remaking me patiently and lovingly into the man you want me to be and I am so thankful I am learning these things now of least. I love you Father.

Lesson One

Just purchased the newest Jars of Clay album on iTunes last night because it was on sale for only $6.99. Anyways one of the tracks really affected me. It is track 9 titled Boys (Lesson One). It is a song sung from a father to a son about growing up. It really made me an emotional mess listening to it. I wish someone taught me these things growing up. Maybe they did teach it but for whatever reason it did not stick with me. I just never felt like I could be honest about my struggles with my parents. I guess I still have alot to work through and alot of lessons to learn.

Boys (Lesson One)
by: Jars of Clay

Lesson one - do not hide
Lesson two - there are right ways to fight
And if you have questions
We can talk through the night

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I’ve been where you’re going
And it’s not that far
It’s too far to walk
But you don’t have to run
You’ll get there in time

Lesson three - you’re not alone
Not since I saw you start breathing on your own
You can leave, you can run, this will still be your home

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I’ve been where you’re going
And it’s not that far
It’s too far to walk
But you don’t have to run
You’ll get there in time
Get there in time

In time, to wonder where the days have gone
In time, to be old enough to wish that you were young
When good things are unraveling, bad things come undone
You weather love and lose your innocence

There will be liars and thieves who take from you
Not to undermine the consequence
But you are not what you do
And when you need it most
I have a hundred reasons why I love you

If you weather love and lose your innocence
Just remember - lesson one

Please Let Me Off the Rollercoaster

Lately I just want to get off this roller coaster my emotions have become. I am just sick of it. One day I am feeling great and close to God thinking sure I will be fine and everything will work out. Then other days like today I feel its hopeless and I will be lonely the rest of my life. I just feel like its not fair sometimes that I struggle with this while others live a great life with a loving family. But then again I guess life is not fair. For whatever reason God seems to bless some with things like a wife and a family while others like me struggle with something as basic to their humanity as their sexual identity. Its hard to know why but I guess we wont know until we get to heaven. But I still choose to keep trusting God that He must have some kind of plan and purpose for me.

I am almost done with the Desires in Conflict book I have been reading. I have to admit at times it is painful to read as so much what he described seemed to be about me. Hearing his theory about SSA does make alot of sense but its painful to know that things in my childhood may have caused this. It makes me think if only misunderstandings about relationships had not occurred, if only I had more male friends and felt accepted as one of the guys. Maybe I would be married now with a family instead of lonely and confused. If only, if only, if only...

But there is no use wishing things had happened differently. They didnt and its a waste of time for me to constantly dwell on the past and wish I had done this instead of that etc... Plus maybe I would not like the person I would be if I met him today if everything happened different. Maybe that person would think he does not need God because everything in his life is great. Maybe when I get to heaven I will actually thank God for letting me struggle with this as it made me depend on Him when otherwise I would try to do things on my own? Maybe, but for now its a really hard struggle so I just have to keep trying and trusting in God day by day. I have to finally try to move forward and try to leave the pain behind. Its a hard thing to do since the pain has been with me so long of wanting to fit in but never being accepted by my peers, the loneliness, the feelings of guilt and shame.

Having said all that I actually had a good weekend last weekend though. I volunteered at church last Sunday to help set up the worship team. So I got to church around 7 am and we set up all the cables and instruments and sound system and stuff. Got to meet some other people and went out for coffee after we were done and before the service started. It was good and I felt like part of a team. I will have to do it again I think.



Lord please help me to be happy with what I have. Help me not to compare my life with others but just accept that some people have more struggles in life than others. I know its probably for my own good that you let me struggle with this even though its a painful thing and often its hard for me to understand. Please help me to trust You Jesus and to know that you only want whats best for me. Help me to form close relationships with other guys and finally feel accepted. I love you Lord and thank You for my life.