Disappointment with God

About a month ago I finished reading a book by Philip Yancey called "Disappointment with God". I was feeling pretty depressed and sort of angry at God when I read this book. In the book Yancey poses three questions about God. Is God unfair, Is He silent, and is He hidden. To try and answer these questions Yancey talked about Job for a good portion of the book. Here was a man who was one of Gods favorites and yet he was put under intense trials and suffering not for anything he did wrong but because God wanted to prove to Satan that Job would love him even in pain. Here is one passage of Yancey's book that really hit home for me:

For Job, the battleground of faith involved lost possessions, lost family members, lost health. We may face different struggle: a career failure, a floundering marriage, sexual orientation, a body shape that turns people off, not on. At such times the outer circumstances-the illness, the bank account, the run of bad luck-will seem the real struggle. We may beg God to change those circumstances. If only I were beautiful or handsome, then everything would work out. If only I had more money-or at least a job-then I could easily believe God.

But the more important battle, as shown in Job, takes place inside us. Will we trust God? Job teaches that at the moment when faith is hardest and least likely, then faith is most needed. His struggle presents a glimpse of what the Bible elsewhere spells out in detail: the remarkable truth that our choices matter, not just to us and our own destiny but, amazingly, to God himself and the universe he rules.

Yancey goes on to say:

All the reasons for disappointment with God that I have mentioned in this book, as well as all cancers, all deaths, all broken relationships, all the collected groanings of our savage planet-all these imperfections will be wiped away. We may at times question God's wisdom and lose patience with his timetable. But all the prophets' lavish promises will someday come true, and we, you and I, are the ones selected to help bring this about.

Why the delay? Why does God let evil and pain so flagrantly exist, even thrive on this planet? Why does he let us do slowly and blunderingly what he could do in an eye blink?

He holds back for our sakes. Re-creation involves us: we are, in fact, at the center of his plan. The Wager, the motive behind all human history, is to develop us not God.

This really blew me away. Some of it is stuff I knew already but for some reason I understood it better this time. I sometimes question (ok often question) why God does not just heal me of these homosexual feelings instantly. But it could be God is more interested in seeing how I show my faith and obedience to Him despite these feelings than He is in providing me with a quick fix. If I did not have this thorn in my side maybe I would never realize how weak I am and how in need I am of Jesus's sacrifice, love, and forgiveness. After all God has given me so much why do I always focus on the negatives? He gave me life, a place to live, food to eat, and his very Son died for me.

So I choose to trust God and continue on this path of resisting my same sex attractions with Jesus's help and love. Its not easy and I am sure I will mess up many times. Its alot harder then giving in but no one ever said this walk would be easy. But God has shown me how much He loves me time and time again and I know He will be by my side as I struggle with this and pick me up from the dust when I fail.

Anyways if you are feeling Disappointed with God or even with yourself I highly recommend this book. It has been a great help for me and I find myself going back to it often.

Better

Feeling a bit better this morning. I slept on an air mattress with my bare feet hanging off the end and my brother has forced hot air heat here and I guess my feet were hanging right over the vent when the heat came on this morning. I was cold so that was a great way to slowly wake up having warm air blow on my cold feet and making me warm and toasty. Even had a bit of a dream right before I woke up about laying in the sun that i think the warm air on my feet caused. I guess little things make me happy lol. :) Getting ready to head out to church and worship our amazing, forgiving, loving God! Having a family cookout after so today should be good.

One day at a time.

Sorry to everyone reading all this I probably post to often. I know from my posts here you all must think I never stop talking in person. Hopefully I have not scared everyone off. I am maybe to dramatic here. Its funny because in person I am really shy and reserved. But actually thats just on the outside inside I over think everything and am very dramatic and take things personally. I am maybe to sensitive. I need to get my thoughts out so i post them here instead of letting them drive me crazy. Oh and if you think this is bad you should see my journal. lol :-)

Hope everyone has a good day.

...

I am at my brothers house for the weekend. Its 1:12 AM and i am on my laptop. I am really feeling very down. I just am so tired of it all. I know i should be over all this and just accept the fact I will be alone forever and realize its good to suffer for the Lord but i guess i am just immature for my age. I am a failure at life and love. Sometimes i really wonder whats the point in fighting what i am? I just really long for human touch right now so much. The only human touch i get is maybe a quick hug hello or goodbye. Nothing more than that and i guess i never will get more.No one to fall asleep with and stay warm with on a cold winter night or to rub my shoulders when i am stressed (like I am now). I just always will be the third wheel hanging around happy couples of family and friends and realizing at the end of the day I have to go home alone.

Seeing how happy my brother and his wife are makes me jealous and i hate feeling that. I am happy for them beyond belief but i guess jealous of their happiness because deep inside feel i never will be allowed to find love. Dont know if that makes sense.

sorry for the depressing post i just had to let it out.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow though. Maybe that will brighten my mood. ok i am gonna try to get some sleep.


Lord have mercy on your lonely child. Please give me some hope and peace. I am trying to trust You Jesus.

Set me free

I love blasting the song "Free" by Switchfoot really loud and singing it at the top of my lungs. Oh and can't forget the air guitar too! :) It really speaks to me as there are so many areas in my life where I want freedom. First I long to be free of these same sex attractions, I don't know if that will ever happen completely but I still believe God can work miracles. If that is not to be though then I would love to have the freedom to tell those I love of my struggle and for them to love me the same. I want to bulldoze this prison wall I created around myself and be free to open up to others.

I know I am free to do that and tell people of my struggle at anytime but I guess like the song says "The chains that hold me back inside are the prisons of my mind". I have been hiding my pain and struggles for so long that the chains seem pretty heavy. But of late I am starting to wonder if that is an illusion and it could be they are really rusty and weakened. Maybe Satan has just been whispering and lying to me about how strong these chains are and how no one could ever love me if they knew my secret struggle so he can keep me alone in my prison where he can watch me suffer and tempt me easier.

Please pray for me that God will provide me the courage I need to finally tell some people in my life of my struggles with SSA and that they will respond in a loving way. And that I can form closer relationships with other Christians who will just see me as one of them. A child of God who is sinful and broken but trying to find my way home.

This song is my prayer today and always.

Free
by: Switchfoot

I've got my back against the wall
But I still hear the blue sky call

The chains that hold me back inside
are the prisons of my mind

- Chorus -
free,
come set me free
down on my knees
I still believe you could save me from me
come set me free
come set me free
inside this shell
there's a prison cell

I try to live the light of day
why would I do what I hate

But when I try to reach above
I only I hurt the ones I love

there's a hole in the neighborhood
where the shadows fall

there's a hole in my heart but my hope
is not in me at all

I had a dream that my chains were broken
broken, broken, broken open 

free

Some Wandering Thoughts for April 23

Last night while brushing my teeth before bed I got some amusing wandering thoughts in my head and since that is the name of my blog I figured I would share them with you!

Thought #1 while brushing my teeth: Maybe I should become a monk. Would be great to run away from all my problems and get to wear a cool brown robe like a Jedi Knight.

Thought #2 as I spit out my toothpaste: Hmm wait I see two problems with this idea:

1. Im not a Catholic so dont think I would be allowed.
2. What if I have some good looking monk for a roommate?

Thought #3 while rinsing with some mouthwash: Wonder if gay monks are allowed to stay with the Nuns? :-)

Just some wandering thoughts I had while getting ready for bed!

Thankful

Last night as I was praying I thanked God for leading me to this blog community for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I also thanked Him for all you guys, my brothers in Christ who struggle with SSA like me. So I figured I would post here to tell you all! Seriously you don't know how much it means to me to find other Christians who are in the same struggle as me and know what it is like. For so long I have been struggling with this on my own in secret. To read your thoughts, successes, dreams, and failures and pray for you, and ask you to pray for me and be able to be honest with you is awesome! I have never had many male friends that I could be myself around and I have never been this open and honest with anyone in person. So its great to feel like I can be myself when I post. I am looking forward to getting to know you all better!

I wish I had known that there was a blog community of fellow Christians struggling with same sex attractions a long time ago. Maybe alot of things in my life would be a little better now if I had known earlier as I find I am drawing courage and strength from reading how you guys handle things and seeing I am not alone in having this struggle but still trying to live for God. But better late then never! For the first time in my life I seriously am considering opening up to some people in my life about my struggle and that is thanks mostly to reading your blogs and seeing how you all deal with things. I am so thankful God saw it fit for me to find this blog community at a time when I was really feeling alone, down, and hopeless.

Anyways just wanted to tell you all that your blogs and honesty have really meant alot to me. This struggle we have I believe is one of the toughest things any christian could be faced with since we are misunderstood on all sides. Even many churches seem to prefer to ignore us and pretend we don't exist rather than try and support us on our very tough and at times very lonely walk. So its inspiring to see how brave you all are in sharing not only your struggles and failures but all the successes and good things God has provided too! Anyways just wanted to encourage everyone to keep up the honest discussions and know that your blogs are helping other Christians out there who struggle with SSA some who may be to afraid to post, they sure have helped me!

-Your appreciative brother in Christ

AJ

Overcoming Sin and Temptation

Thanks to a few posts on Joe's blog (http://alreadybutnotyetresurrected.blogspot.com/) about John Owen's books about Temptation and Sin I decided I wanted to try and read one of his books too as it seems like they go really in depth on the subject. Joe gave me his recommendation on which book to buy so the one I got was "Overcoming Sin and Temptation" a collection of three books on Sin and Temptation by John Owen.

I must say its a tough read but already I am learning alot and I am not very far in. This is really powerful stuff! Hopefully I don't need a PhD to understand it all and don't get to bogged down in the old language. :) It is slow going as I sometimes have to re-read a sentence two or three times but it has been worth it so far. Wish me luck (or even better pray) that I continue to not only read this important book on sin and temptation but also understand what Owens is saying!