The day I knew I was different

When I was 12 or 13 years old my parents gave me a book by Dr. James Dobson titled "Preparing for Adolescence". Well I just found that book again the other day at the bottom of a box of old books in my parents basement. Upon seeing the cover a wave of bad memories poured over me and I almost threw it to the floor. I instantly remembered it was when I read this very book that I realized I was different then others. I had been confused as to why I was attracted to males so I read through it like crazy trying to see if my feelings of being attracted to guys were normal. I was hoping that they would go away and I would be "normal". The book kept talking about being attracted to the other sex and changes to the body etc. , but nothing seemed to apply to my same sex attractions. Well finally on page 85 there it was a description of me and a new word I had never heard before...homosexual. I had no idea what it meant but I knew it was me after reading it. As far as I can recall (sorry no way am I reading this book again to make sure) this was the only mention in the entire book about homosexual thoughts. Here is the entire passage:

"Wouldn't it be awful if I became a homosexual? A homosexual is someone who is not attracted to the opposite sex, but who is attracted to the same sex. It's a boy's interest in boys or a girl's interest in girls. Homosexuality is an abnormal desire that reflects deep problems, but it doesn't happen often and it's not likely to happen to you."

That was it. A 200 page book on preparing for adolescence with one paragraph on homosexual thoughts. What really made me have a deep sense of sadness when I found the book again the other day was the page was still folded. I must have folded it when I was 13 and probably was so confused I did not know what to do with this information. After that the rest of the book pretty much just ignored the topic from what I can remember.

So needless to say I was very confused after reading this. Apparently I was a boy with "deep problems" and I did not know what to do. The book gave no advice on what to do if you had these attractions but just said you were deeply abnormal if you had them. From that point on I vowed to never let my parents or friends know. I built a wall around myself that to this day has not been broken. Although I am really trying to break through it and open up to others. This blog is a first step in that.

Looking back as an adult now I so wish that Dr. Dobson had given some kind of advice as what to do if you had these feelings. Maybe tell a parent, tell your pastor, tell your youth leader, or give some sort of advice. I really think now that if that little paragraph was going to be the only info on homosexual thoughts in the whole book it probably should have been removed and not even talked about. I was just an innocent and confused 13 year old kid wanting to know what was going on with my attractions and the only thing I read in this book was that I was apparently a freak since "it does not happen often" and not only was I a freak but I was a freak with "deep problems". I to this day wish I had never read that book. All it did was make me feel like more of an outsider and start me on the path of keeping people at a distance that I am still trying to overcome today.

How did you first find out what a homosexual was? Was it as bad as my experience? Did you read it in a book or hear about it from friends or what?

Heavy Hearted Again

This song has really meant alot to me since I first heard it last summer at a Glorious Unseen concert. The Glorious Unseen are one of the most honest worship bands out there IMO. They tackle tough issues of doubt, struggle, and forgiveness in their songs. I am always put in a humble place when I listen to their music and just want to worship the Lord.

Anyways this song is how I am feeling today.

Heavy Hearted
by: The Glorious Unseen

What is the meaning of grace, when it speaks to my darkest place?
Why do I always feel like I’m Your disgrace? I’m sick of saving face.

And when I feel so heavy-hearted, I know You’re taking me back!
And when You take me as I am, it’s like the sunlight gracing the land.
And when I feel heavy-hearted - please, come and take my hand. Heavy-hearted again.

Where is the message of hope, when I’m sick and I’m all alone?
Why do I listen to doubt? Why do I shut You out? You’re what I need the most.

And though I feel so heavy-hearted, I know You’re taking me back!
And when You take me as I am, it’s like the sunlight gracing the land.
And when I feel heavy-hearted - please, come and take my hand.
Heavy-hearted again, heavy-hearted.

It’s so crazy - how You sustain me!
When I am down in the dirt - You come and claim me!
Father, Your burden is light. I need Your love tonight. I’m reaching out to You.

And when You take me as I am, it’s like the sunlight gracing the land.
And when I feel heavy-hearted - please, come and take my hand. Heavy-hearted again.

And when You take me as I am, it’s like the sunlight gracing the land.
And when I feel heavy-hearted - please, come and take my hand.
Heavy-hearted again. I’m heavy-hearted again...
I’m heavy-hearted again... but so close to You.

Our eyes met across the room

Last night I was visiting with my parents and went out to dinner with them. Well as we were ordering this other guy around my age walked in to the restaurant with his parents and was seated right near us. It was a small restaurant and we where the only people there since it was early. He seemed to be staring at me from the moment they came in and he was eyeing me and looking at me the whole meal. It was actually more than just looking at me he was actively trying to get my attention. I guess he must have figured that not many single straight guys go to dinner with their parents or something? My parents had there back to him so they could not see all of this thankfully. I tried to just ignore him but every time I looked up from my plate he would be looking right into my eyes grinning knowingly at me with his eyes sparkling. At one point I sort of got hypnotized and stared back into his eyes before snapping out of it. As our eyes met he seemed to look right inside of me and I could tell by the look on his face that he knew the truth about my attractions that I always try so hard to hide. I admit I got kind of excited at the thought of this good looking guy apparently being attracted to me and my heart was leaping and skipping inside my chest. This has not happened often in my life that a guy was this obviously attracted to me as I am very careful to not give off any vibes.

After this momentary connection I did not know what to do so basically ignored him the rest of the dinner and just stared at my plate and fork even though I did not want to. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do? I hope I did not offend him. He was probably lonely too. But I really did not know what to do.

As we paid for the meal and I hurriedly left I couldn't help but glance over my shoulder one last time. In the car ride home I wondered what would have happened if I had shown him more interest back? Although deep inside I know its probably good I did not even though I wanted to.

Am I always to be alone? Why cant I have someone to love? I know that God probably uses my loneliness and pain to draw me closer to Him in maybe ways I would not be able to if I was straight but its still hard sometimes. I wonder if God has any kind of plan for me? I will just have to trust Him. If God has not abandoned me yet I guess He never will!

I sometimes think life must be so much easier for people that are "normal". Its probably not true but thats what I imagine. Who knows though maybe I would be a totally different person if I did not struggle with same sex attractions. Maybe someone that God would not be happy with. Could it be this very thorn I struggle with is what makes me realize how weak I am and how much I need Jesus? Is it possible without it I could be far from Him?

Love letter from God

Today is a good day. Why you ask? Its a good day because I am alive and God created and loves me! But why am I suddenly in this better mood? Because I just read a love letter from God!

As I posted last week I am reading through Psalms right now. As you may know from my last couple of posts I have been kinda depressed and lonely lately. Well this morning during my reading of Psalms I just read Psalm 103 for the first time in years and I was reminded just how much God loves me. I am in awe at God's mercy and love! What an amazing chapter this is and an amazing God we have! Just as I was sinking and feeling depressed, unlovable and hopeless God leads me to this passage that is like a love letter to all of mankind. I am blown away by His love and mercy. My heart just lifted more and more as I read this chapter and I had tears in my eyes thinking about how great God is and how amazing it is that he loves and forgives a sinner like me.

This is why I have to continue to always remember to make time to read the Bible. Sometimes I need to be reminded what an incredible and loving God we serve.

If you are having a bad day and think God cant love and forgive a sinner like you or like me then I challenge you to read Psalm 103 and see if you still think that after.

Here is a small passage from it but seriously read the whole chapter!

Psalm 103: 8-16

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

Pretty amazing right? And there is a bunch of other stuff just as great in the rest of this chapter. Reading this made my day! Why do I sometimes give up pure, real, perfect love like that for some temporary sinful pleasure and lusts in this life of mine that is so short God compares it to the life of a flower?

Will I stumble and fail in the future? Sadly it is likely. Will I get depressed and lonely sometimes? Ya probably. But "He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities." The truth is I deserve death and to be far from God as do all sinners. But the insanely good news is that because of Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection God does not treat me or treat you how we deserve to be treated! Instead of death this passage says that God's love for us is so great its as "high as the heavens are above the earth". He loves me anyways despite the times I have stumbled or may stumble in the future and has removed my transgressions from me as far as the east is from the west. God is always ready to forgive me and give me a second, third, or 1,000th chance!!

I think I may print out this whole chapter and tape it to the wall so I can read it whenever I am feeling down. No love letter from a human could ever be so good!

Will tomorrow be a good day? I don't know but of least today is, not because of any changes in my circumstances, but because God saw fit to remind me of His love and I thank Him for that! Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Thank you Lord for being so good to a sinner like me. Forgive my doubts, fears, and many sins. I am but dust and yet you love me and forgive my sins. Please help me to always remember how much you care for me. Help me not to swallow the Enemy's lies that I am worthless and unlovable as these verses clearly show me how untrue those lies are! You cared and loved me enough to sacrifice your Son for one as lowly and sinful as me! I am humbled and in utter amazement Lord. I Love you Jesus.

A day at the Beach

It was an absolutely beautiful spring day on Saturday. Pretty much perfect weather. I got the chance to go out by the ocean with my brother, his wife, and my parents.

I had a great time overall but this blog is my place to share my inner feelings that I hide and bottle inside so I know this is going to make it sound like I was miserable all day but I was not. I just wanted to make it clear that it was a fun time and these are just passing thoughts I had while I was enjoying the day that did not take away from the fun and good time spent with family that I enjoyed. Ok just wanted to make that clear. Now on to my thoughts.

As I said it was a beautiful Spring day and we all decided to meet by the ocean to enjoy the day. Anyways a little more about me and my family first. My brother is a few years younger than me and got married to a great christian girl about a year ago. I still cant believe he is married. Makes me feel even more inadequate as a man than I do already when I remember my younger brother is married and I am like this. Sometimes I wonder how he turned out "normal" but I am this confused mess. But I am so happy that he is "normal". I thank God often that my brother does not have to go through what I am going through. Also the fact that he is married and happy is great for my parents as of least they dont have to worry about him as much as I think they worry about me.

Anyways got to do lots of walking and thinking and got to enjoy the sun and amazing weather. Since it was so warm there were lots of couples out and about enjoying the day. I saw of least 3 or 4 gay couples. Its strange up until about a month or two ago I never used to notice but now I actually look to try and find them. I don't know why its just interesting to me to see what their life is like. I am not really attracted to females much at all but when walking around Saturday or really anytime whenever I would see a young happy straight couple I would just get this twinge of sadness and feel in my soul that is what I long for to have a wife and a family. It makes sense as that is what God intends for us, but somehow I messed it up, or my sinful nature messed it up, or satan messed it up, or something messed it up. Its kinda hard to start a relationship when I would be more attracted to a woman's ex-boyfriend then her. I guess I am just one hugely confused and messed up person.

At times on Saturday I felt a bit like the third wheel. I had my camera and I found I was taking everyone elses picture but was only in like one of the photos myself and I had to basically ask to be in it. No one ever said "hey lets get a shot of you and your brother" or "everyone squeeze in for this photo" instead I just took all the photos. Looking through the viewfinder as I took photos of my family I saw all the happiness that I will probably never have. The other side of that lens may as well have been 1000 miles away I felt so far from what they have. At times I felt like some sort of hired photographer that was just along to take photos of people I hardly knew or something. I know thats a terrible thing to say but thats what I felt at the time.

I hung out with them for probably 3 hours but did not say to much. Its probably because nothing ever changes for me so there is not much to say. Whats to talk about when I am always single, and dont have much exciting to talk about or many friends. Plus I am really quite and have trouble opening up so that does not help. I am not shy around my parents or brother but I am a little bit around my brothers wife still. She is great though and he is really lucky to have found her! I always have trouble opening up and communicating my feelings no matter who I am around primarily because I am afraid to let people in for fear they will see the real me that I try to hide.

Because of this most of the talking was done between my parents and my brother and sister-in-law. They talked about hoping to have grandchildren soon, about the new house my brother and his wife just bought, white picket fences, 2.5 kids and stuff like that. I guess thats good since I sure wont be providing any grandchildren anytime soon. I mean what do I have to say about any of those topics? Not much. So i just listened in and enjoyed the weather and watched the ocean waves pound the shore. And probably thought to much like I usually do (hence this blog post). :)

I pretty much just walked a few paces behind the four of them as we walked along the trail and felt kinda alone. Occasionally I would chime in on the conversation but I felt like I did not have much to contribute. I wish I was not a coward and could tell them how I sometimes feel: alone, left out, confused. As the day was ending and we got closer to the water the waves crashed relentlessly against the shore drowning out the conversation, the crashing waves reminded me of the confusing feelings and attractions always plaguing my mind and body that seem to drown out anything good inside of me.

I could not help but feel like all I did was drag everyone down and that they would have been happier and had more fun on this trip if I had stayed home.

But then who would take the photos??













Lord Jesus please take a hold of my drowning hand and pull me to safety from the storms raging inside my mind and body to Your perfect love.

Easter Mystery

Happy Easter everyone! Lets try to never forget Christ has risen and washed our sins clean!!

This is one of my favorite Charlie Hall songs and its perfect for Easter.

Mystery
by: Charlie Hall


Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven, broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus, Mystery

Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus, Mystery

Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again

Celebrate his death and rising
Lift your eyes, proclaim his coming
Celebrate his death and rising
Lift you eyes, lift your eyes

Celebrate his death and rising
Lift your eyes, proclaim his coming
Celebrate his death and rising
Lift you eyes, lift your eyes

Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

Family Gatherings...A time to be grilled

I know that not many people really read this blog since its new but I have a question. With Easter coming up this weekend it is another family event where I will again get grilled about being single. I am at the age where it seems most of my friends are now married or getting married soon and even my younger brother is married. So I never know what to say in these family situations. What do you say to your uncle when he asks why you did not bring your GF or to your grandmother when she asks why I have "not found a nice girl to marry yet?" I usually just sort of nervously laugh and say that I have not found the right girl. But its always very uncomfortable and makes me feel defensive. Anyone have any suggestions on a good response? Does anyone else get asked these questions at almost every family holiday? Or maybe I just have a nosy family? :)

Sometimes I wonder if some of them suspect I have these homosexual feelings and may almost be making fun of me behind my back by asking me every time. I imagine that they laugh to themselves as I clumsily try to come up with some new excuse to answer the same questions every year. But that is probably just my imagination as I am sure in reality they love me and are worried I am always alone.

It seems I am the gay member of the family that every extended family seems to have of least one of (or of least thats the way it is in the movies). Pretty much all my cousins are married and some already have kids even my brother is married. Everyone seems as happy as can be. I know its never as good as it looks on the outside looking in (it cant be since a couple of my older cousins are already on marraige #2!) and don't get me wrong I am happy for them all but still I long to be like them. When the family gathering is over they all get to go home with the person they love and their family. But I return to an empty lonely apartment. I wonder if they realize how lucky they are?

Argh I better stop writing I am depressing myself. Sorry for going off on a bit of a rant.