Caught In The In-Between

When will I finally realize that God loves me how I am? I know that is the truth yet I always feel like I am a failure because of my SSA. I see the life of other guys at church who have wives, or GFs and they just seem so much more Godly than me. I know its not true and they have problems and sin areas as well but I dont know it just seems like they sin less to me. Of course I guess you can never tell from the outside. They could be struggling with things that I cant even imagine much like they have no idea of this huge struggle I have. I wish we all could be more open about our sins and weaknesses at church! I think if things were more out in the open at church it would really help people not feel shame for whatever sins they have done in the past or struggle with now. Why do we all wear masks and pretend we have it all together? Its like we are trying to impress each other and pretend we are better than we are which is ridiculous considering at church we are a gathering of Christians and God knows what we all are really like! If God who is perfect knows the real us, sins and all, and still loves us why cant we as weak sinful humans share our sins and struggles with each other and still love one another? Just something I have been thinking about.

This song I posted below has really been speaking to me. There are so many stupid things that at times I put before God. Even beyond SSA issues. Material things, electronic gadgets, and all the trappings of modern society that draw my attention away from the God who made me, loves me, and forgives me.

Love this line especially: "And we run, we run, to finally be set free
But we’re fighting for what we already have received"

The victory is already secure! Even if in this life my attractions never change at all I can be sure that I will be set free of these struggles eventually even if it is not until I reach heaven and God makes me new. Between now and then there will be alot of hard times and temptations, but there will be tons of good times too. I cant let this struggle define me as a person. Instead of worrying I have to put my trust in God who has already helped me so many times that I have lost count. I can either wallow in self pity about my struggles with SSA or live life and thank God for saving me and loving me. I choose to live life.

We are caught in the in-between but God has already set us free!

All The Pretty Things
by: Tenth Avenue North
We are, we are, we’re caught in the in-between
Of who we already are and who we’re yet to be
We’re looking for love but finding we’re still in need
It’s only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep
And we’re waiting but our eyes are wandering to
All this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I’m fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me

And we run, we run, to finally be set free
But we’re fighting for what we already have received
So we’re waiting , but our eyes are wandering to
All this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I’m fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me

We are, we are, we’re caught in the in-between
But we’re fighting for what we already have received
We are, we are, we’re caught in the in-between
But we’re fighting for what we already have received

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I’m fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me

Questions with no answers

I dont know lately I am feeling very confused. I had a really good weekend, meet alot of new people, went to two BBQ's, church etc... I did not say to much as I never do but I still had fun and I did have some conversations and got to know some people a little better. While I dont talk to much I do listen. I heard a few gay related jokes at the BBQ's and it kind of hurt me a little. Of course none of them know that I struggle with SSA but it makes me wonder if they would even want to get to know me if they knew I struggled with this. I fear they would see me as some sort of freak. The jokes were nothing terrible but I just felt a little hurt by them. Its just that everyone at all these events I went to were married, engaged to be married or dating. I just feel like such a loser or something to always show up at these events alone. I imagine to myself that they look down on me and think something is wrong with me for being single while they are all happy with someone they love.

Sometimes I really wish I had pursued intimate relationships with guys in the past so I could know what it is like and be able to remember the time I spent with them. Than I got to thinking how I would have a better story to tell people now too about how I used to have sexual relationships with guys but now dont and how God must be working in my life. You know the typical "ex-gay" story that I hear about on sites like Exodus. As it is now my story is really boring and I have been the same way forever: single, celibate, and lonely. I am just a single, lonely guy that everyone pities but no one wants to befriend. Of course I know that God is probably happy I have not given in and had relations with another guy. I dont know sometimes I wonder. Is God really any more proud of me resisting these urges than he would be of a person not saying a swear or something? What I mean is it takes all my will power not to act on my feelings but does that make God happy or is He just indifferent about the whole thing and to Him its like someone not saying a little white lie or something?
I know these are terrible things to be thinking but sometimes I really do wish I would have been intimate with a guy in the past. I sometimes wonder why I even have a penis if I am going to be a virgin my whole life.

I am sorry if this post offends anyone. Just feeling really sexually frustrated right now and wondering if I can really struggle with this and keep up fighting my desires for the rest of my life. What is so easy to everyone else I know (getting married to a member of the opposite sex and having a family) seems impossible to me. I know on my own I cant and the only hope I have is God helping me if that is what He wants for me, and leading me to a woman who understands my struggles and yet somehow still is able to love me.

Of course I have to face the very real possibility that God wants me to be single my whole life. I really get panicked when I think of that. But I have to start facing it and it terrifies me. Who will nurse me to health if I get sick? Who will visit me at the hospital? Who will comfort me after a long stressful day? Who will love me more than any other and let me love them more than any other? Not to mention the needs we as humans have for touch which will be hard to meet if I am single for my whole life. The need for touch is already an area I am basically starving for right now, never mind 10 years from now! Just a few of the many questions swirling around in my head when I think of a lifetime of being single. But I have to trust God that if he wants me to be single he will provide even though to me it causes me panic and fear.

Anyways wow sorry for the brutally honest post I just had to vent and get my feelings out. Dont worry I am not about to do anything rash or foolish that I might regret or anything just thinking out loud.

Please Be My Strength

This song is beautiful and is my prayer for today. I know I cant do this on my own but need Gods help and strength always.

Please Be My Strength
by: Gungor
I've tried to stand my ground
I've tried to understand
but I can't seem to find my way

like water on the sand
or grasping at the wind
I keep on falling short

please be my strength
please be my strenth
I don't have anymore
I don't have anymore

I'm looking for a place
that I can plant my faith
one thing I know for sure

I cannot create it
I cannot sustain it
It’s Your love that’s keeping (captured) me

Please be my strength...

at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I've fought the good fight of faith

I pray your glory shines
through this doubting heart of mine
so my world would know that You

You are my strength
You and You alone
You and You alone
Keep bringin me back home

P.S. Just fiddled with the new blogger templates a little and picked this one. I really like how it came out! Simple and clean!

Books

Thanks for the recommendations and suggestions everyone to my post about SSA related books that I should read! Took me forever to decide which books to get. Hard to get a good feel of a book from the short samples they have on Amazon. Hopefully I made the right choices. I can always read the other ones later if I dont like these. Here are the books I ended up getting:

The Broken Image
by: Leanne Payne

and

Desires in Conflict
by: Joe Dallas

I will try to let you know what I think of them after I read them. I should be getting them from Amazon on Friday. Anyways thanks again for the replies and reviews you all gave me! Its appreciated.

Lifeguards on Duty

So went to the beach this weekend with family and it was fun and amazing weather. Only problem of course was all the good looking guys wearing nothing but their bathing suits. For the most part I was able to ignore my lusts though and just have fun and enjoy the day but on occasion I confess I did have lustful thoughts and stared a little to long at times.

There was this weird thing though where I was trying to figure out why I was not attracted to females. There were two lifeguards both probably in their mid 20's one male and one female. Well the male was insanely good looking almost perfect and I was really attracted to him. God really blessed him thats for sure! I mean I was so attracted to him I feared to even look in his direction because I knew I would stare to long. There also was a female lifeguard who I know would have been equally attractive to a straight guy. Well like what always happens to me and what confuses me is I can tell when a woman is beautiful but I just dont seem to feel an attraction to her like I do with guys. I wish I felt an attraction and I actually tried to will myself to feel attracted to her this time. Sadly I had no real success in that though. Its funny I actually found myself glancing at the female lifeguard more than the male as I was trying to figure out why I was not attracted to this obviously insanely attractive female. I felt no lusts or attractions for her I was just studying the female body and also studying myself trying to search for any attractions for her. Of least it kept me from staring at guys I suppose lol.

Well I did not come to any grand conclusions about myself but I thought I would share. Just thought it was funny I glanced at her more than anyone even though I felt no attractions for her and the guy lifeguard was perfect. Oh well just a day in the life of my confused mind and body I guess.

Anyone have any SSA book recommendations?

Hey all believe it or not I have never read any books on christians and homosexuality / SSA etc... Dont know why. I guess it was part of my denial/shame all these years. I have a $25 Amazon.com gift certificate that is burning a hole in my pocket so figured I would use it to buy a couple of books that may be a help to me instead of spending it on junk!

I was wondering if anyone has any recommendations on books about this issue? Here are a couple I was thinking about reading:

1.Growth into Manhood: Resuming the Journey
by:Alan P. Medinger

2. The Broken Image
by: Leanne Payne

Anyone read either of these books? Were they helpful at all? Did you experience any "healing" or whatever the right term is after reading them? Did you learn more about your self and this struggle? Were they a help?

If neither of these books are any good does anyone have any other book recommendations on SSA and homosexuality?

One problem for me in trying to find a book to read is alot of them seem to be for people who have been in same sex relationships in the past or currently are in one now. I have never been in one so not sure which books apply to me or not. Or maybe those books would still be helpful too?

Thanks guys for any recommendations!

Loss for Words

Hmm have not posted anything in awhile really. So much of my blog was about me trying to get courage to finally tell some people in my life of my struggle that I am not sure what to post lately now that I have finally told two people. I still have ALOT of issues I am trying to work through so dont worry still will be posting often. Have just been trying to enjoy this small success for a little while as its taken me so long to get the courage to do this.

Sometimes I feel like I have so many issues to work on it just overwhelms me and I think they should just lock me in a mental institute and throw away the key! I have my Same Sex Attraction issues, my shyness, lack of confidence, low self esteem, lack of male friends, poor social skills, loneliness, the list goes on and on... But really I think all of it has been caused by my guilt of having SSA. Just wish I had dealt with all of this years ago as I sometimes feel its to late now or something and that maybe I am to much of a burden for anyone to want to be friends with now. I cant picture anyone wanting to hear all of my problems. Dont really know what to work on next the list is so long. I really want meaningful relationships but it just never seems to work out for me. Whenever people ask about me its as if I am stunned anyone would care about me or want to hear my opinion so I am at a loss for words and end up giving short answers that abruptly ends the conversation. Not to mention I never like to let people in for fear they will find out about my SSA.

I am still confused as to what healing is in regards to SSA as well. Maybe just me finally opening up to others about it is a form of healing? I dont know I still wish I was normal I know that. Life seems like its so much easier and happier for "normal" people when I see them at church. Plus it seems like so much of church life is built around married couples and families that I feel left out. I hope someday I can finally fully accept myself and be more confident.

Oh and here is a sort of confession about something that hurts me and confuses me even though I know it shouldn't. Often times I hear people at church saying "oh aren't so and so blessed by God that they have a new baby etc..." And I agree completely and do think they are blessed and I am happy for them when I hear it. But then when I get home I tend to think to myself what does that mean for me?? Does that mean I am not blessed by God since I have these SSA issues and dont have a wife and kids? Does God for some reason choose to bless some more than others? I just think to much I guess. I know that God does not want everyone to have a family though so maybe for some its a blessing to be single. Honestly I have never felt blessed by it though. So not sure what to think.

Sorry for rambling so much in this post. Just had alot on my mind. So ya I have alot to work on. Luckily my problems are not to much for God even though they at times are overwhelming to me.

Lord help me not to be overwhelmed with all of my problems. Sometimes it seems unfair to me that I have so many struggles but help me not to focus on that but instead focus on the blessings you have given me. Thank you for giving me the courage to tell some others of my struggles with SSA and please continue to work on me and make me into the man you want me to be. I love you Lord and trust You.



EDIT (6:40 PM):
In regards to blessings. Maybe its possible that some blessings are just not as easy to see as others. Maybe God is blessing me and others who struggle with SSA in a different way that is not so easy for us or other people to see like having a baby would be. Maybe He blesses me by my weakness? Since it forces me to be closer to Him and depend on Him even just to get through the day much more than I think I would depend on Him if I was "normal". Maybe I am blessed more than I could ever dream in ways I dont even realize? Maybe I would have fallen away as a Christian and think I did not need God if I did not struggle with SSA since everything would be so easy?? To have God use my weakness and struggles that the enemy tries to use to destroy me to instead draw me to Jesus would have to be one of the best blessings anyone could ask for wouldn't it? I am blessed indeed to have a God like that who puts my eternal welfare first above temporary comforts and pleasures.

This entire paragraph above was not in my original post. The ideas in it just suddenly came into my head about an hour after I made this post after I had left the computer and was getting some food for dinner. So I ran back to the computer and edited this post before I forgot what was flowing into my head. Maybe it was God speaking to me and answering some of my confusion??