Its kind of a miracle I am even writing this. You see I have never told anyone of this struggle I have so this is a huge step for me. I am a 30 year old Christian male and I have struggled with same sex attractions since probably around age 11 or 12. I grew up in a great Christian home with loving parents and became a Christian when I was young. I have always been very secretive about these feelings and have battled them on my own afraid of how people would react to me if they knew the truth. I finished college five or six years ago and somehow even managed to keep my feelings a secret from everyone there as well. I am pretty lonely sometimes as I sadly tend to keep people at a distance so they wont get to close. Its kind of ironic I am sharing this here for the whole world to see and yet not with anyone I know. Oh well I guess I am a coward.
I am so thankful to God that somehow despite my very strong temptations I am still a virgin physically since I have never acted out these feelings with anyone. However mentally I am definitely not and have given into my lusts to many times to count through porn and fantasies. I had been doing really good in that area though up to a few days ago when I gave into my lusts and fantasies and was looking at porn for the first time in probably 3 or 4 months. After I was done I felt so depressed, alone, and sick of myself and like God must be so sick of me too. I once again felt I was a hypocrite by praying to God afterwards and asking for forgiveness when I knew I would probably fail again. I went to bed and cried and prayed, and prayed and cried to Jesus for forgiveness until I fell asleep.
The next day as I sat depressed and alone about failing again I decided to search google for “Christians who have same sex attractions” or some search term like that and I somehow stumbled onto a few blogs of fellow Christians who struggle with SSA. I cant tell you how much it meant to me to find these blogs and see that other Christians were also struggling with this and sharing their thoughts, pain, hopes and dreams as they tried to live for God. I spent probably the next 4 or 5 hours reading blogs from fellow SSA Christians and for the first time in a long time felt I was not alone with these feelings. I think the bottling up of this struggle inside me has really been slowly destroying me and sending me deeper and deeper into depression, loneliness, and fear. I really believe God led me to these blogs of other Christians with SSA because he wanted me to see I was not alone but also I felt maybe He wanted me to open up about my struggles by starting a blog of my own and not try to keep it all inside. Granted this blog is pretty anonymous but having this outlet to share my struggles and thoughts I am hoping will really be a help to me in my walk.
For the longest time I was desperate for God to heal me of these thoughts and feelings and prayed for that constantly. I don't even know how many times over the years I have prayed and cried out to the Lord to take these feelings from me and make me "normal". Probably to many times to count. Growing up as a teenager there was no worse feeling then praying for healing while in church with my eyes closed and then after praying opening my eyes, and instantly like a magnet having them fall on a guy I was attracted to and then the thoughts would begin. It would make me feel like the biggest hypocrite and sinner to have these thoughts in church of all places and I wanted to run away and hide. I still do pray for a miracle but I guess I am finally starting to figure out that these thoughts and attractions may be with me for life.
Why am I like this? Am I some kind of a mistake? I will probably never know until I get to heaven and can ask God myself. However, between now and then I am hoping I will start to understand myself more and learn to accept myself for who I am, a person who sins and struggles but that God created for a reason and loves. It’s a long journey ahead and I am sure I will fail many times but I hope I can be honest and share my experiences with you. I will write more posts later telling more about myself. If you feel like sending up a prayer for me its always appreciated.
I gotta say its a huge weight off my shoulders just writing this down and letting someone, anyone, know I have these struggles even if no one ever reads this. Thanks for listening.