Friday, March 26, 2010

I Can't believe I am writing this

Its kind of a miracle I am even writing this. You see I have never told anyone of this struggle I have so this is a huge step for me. I am a 30 year old Christian male and I have struggled with same sex attractions since probably around age 11 or 12. I grew up in a great Christian home with loving parents and became a Christian when I was young. I have always been very secretive about these feelings and have battled them on my own afraid of how people would react to me if they knew the truth. I finished college five or six years ago and somehow even managed to keep my feelings a secret from everyone there as well. I am pretty lonely sometimes as I sadly tend to keep people at a distance so they wont get to close. Its kind of ironic I am sharing this here for the whole world to see and yet not with anyone I know. Oh well I guess I am a coward.

I am so thankful to God that somehow despite my very strong temptations I am still a virgin physically since I have never acted out these feelings with anyone. However mentally I am definitely not and have given into my lusts to many times to count through porn and fantasies. I had been doing really good in that area though up to a few days ago when I gave into my lusts and fantasies and was looking at porn for the first time in probably 3 or 4 months. After I was done I felt so depressed, alone, and sick of myself and like God must be so sick of me too. I once again felt I was a hypocrite by praying to God afterwards and asking for forgiveness when I knew I would probably fail again. I went to bed and cried and prayed, and prayed and cried to Jesus for forgiveness until I fell asleep.

The next day as I sat depressed and alone about failing again I decided to search google for “Christians who have same sex attractions” or some search term like that and I somehow stumbled onto a few blogs of fellow Christians who struggle with SSA. I cant tell you how much it meant to me to find these blogs and see that other Christians were also struggling with this and sharing their thoughts, pain, hopes and dreams as they tried to live for God. I spent probably the next 4 or 5 hours reading blogs from fellow SSA Christians and for the first time in a long time felt I was not alone with these feelings. I think the bottling up of this struggle inside me has really been slowly destroying me and sending me deeper and deeper into depression, loneliness, and fear. I really believe God led me to these blogs of other Christians with SSA because he wanted me to see I was not alone but also I felt maybe He wanted me to open up about my struggles by starting a blog of my own and not try to keep it all inside. Granted this blog is pretty anonymous but having this outlet to share my struggles and thoughts I am hoping will really be a help to me in my walk.

For the longest time I was desperate for God to heal me of these thoughts and feelings and prayed for that constantly. I don't even know how many times over the years I have prayed and cried out to the Lord to take these feelings from me and make me "normal". Probably to many times to count. Growing up as a teenager there was no worse feeling then praying for healing while in church with my eyes closed and then after praying opening my eyes, and instantly like a magnet having them fall on a guy I was attracted to and then the thoughts would begin. It would make me feel like the biggest hypocrite and sinner to have these thoughts in church of all places and I wanted to run away and hide. I still do pray for a miracle but I guess I am finally starting to figure out that these thoughts and attractions may be with me for life.

Why am I like this? Am I some kind of a mistake? I will probably never know until I get to heaven and can ask God myself. However, between now and then I am hoping I will start to understand myself more and learn to accept myself for who I am, a person who sins and struggles but that God created for a reason and loves. It’s a long journey ahead and I am sure I will fail many times but I hope I can be honest and share my experiences with you. I will write more posts later telling more about myself. If you feel like sending up a prayer for me its always appreciated.

I gotta say its a huge weight off my shoulders just writing this down and letting someone, anyone, know I have these struggles even if no one ever reads this. Thanks for listening.


  1. First of all, I'm really glad you're talking about this. It's really, really tough to take that step after being silent for so long.

    Second, you AREN'T a mistake, nor did God create you this way. You are this way because of sin in the and I didn't choose this and we are still called to obedience to God's law. But the good news is that in Christ, our obedience comes as a fruit of the Gospel.

  2. Thanks for the encouragement dgill!

    Yea this was definetly a hard step for me and I had second thoughts several times after I posted it and almost deleted the whole blog . But I decided after all that work writing this and years of pent up struggles it would be foolish to do that.

    You are right about this not being a choice as I never would have choosen this as I am sure you would not have either! It definetly seems to me to be more of a challenge to be obedient when you have this particular affliction but for whatever reason God must think I can handle it so I will continue to try and be obedient and submit to His will.

    Again thanks for the encouragement i really needed it!

  3. I agree with dgill, no mistakes. & hurray for being brave enough to step out a bit and allow yourself to be honest with others. It's not easy. But way worthwhile. You are so much more than your attractions, even if they seem to be a massive fault. Don't let it get to you. & don't underestimate God's love.
    I saw your comment over on College Jay's site & thought I'd say hi.
    BTW, Serious props for starting the blog, & you picked a great title.

  4. Thanks Jahteo!! Really appreciate all the kind words and encouragement! I just skimmed your blog after reading your post here and already saw some great stuff there! Rest assured tonight when I have time I will be reading a bunch of it!

  5. I just ran across your blog, saw the title and immediately wanted to see what you had to say. Broken Man is a good place to start when it comes to tapping into God's love. We are all broken but as you say, having same sex attractions seems to be much more difficult to deal with. I can attest to that. I started a blog as well to put some of my thoughts down in a more anonymous way and since finding more guys who also share the same struggle it has been a real blessing. Nothing links us together like coming from this background.

    You talked about feeling like such a hypocrite and about falling and then having to ask forgiveness. How often I have found myself feeling the same, what must God think, but you know all through it God kept me in His love, He never gave up on me and I am so thankful. You are in His hands. You have such a sincere and honest attitude. Keep those accounts with God, He is always there.

    Someone said the other day as we were coming up to Easter that on the cross Jesus thought of us, we were on His mind and He did it, gave His life for you, for me. You, AJ, are precious in His sight and loved beyond imagination. He saved you for a reason and He will carry you to healing. For me it involved trust and I pray you trust God through every struggle.

    Reading your blog I must admit that I have not read a more sincere blog, you are real, and that is so refreshing. I will be praying for you for sure. That is another reason I am glad I started a blog, to pray for those who are going through one of the biggest struggles I believe us guys could ever go through. So much of SSA is a mystery and I think that is because it is so foreign to what God intended, it messes with our mind and body.

  6. Wow thanks for the great comment stanw! Really appreciate the thoughts you shared. I cant think of much of a response to such an uplifting comment except to say thanks. Thanks for visiting my blog, thanks for your prayers, and thanks for the encouragement!

    I will continue to try and be honest here. I really needed this outlet to have some place to share my struggles and feelings. I will pray for you as well!

  7. AJ,

    I feel for you man and commend you on taking a step towards sharing your thoughts and ideas about your struggle and journey here with us.

    As a young Christian, I do not have a lot of wisdom and insight to offer you, but want you to know I am praying for you.

    The words that your choose and authentic way of relating to strangers is refreshing to see, as it is not couched in some religious lingo that I do not understand.

    The blogs that I have found have been invaluable in my search for a closer walk with this amazing man in my life, Jesus Christ! Take time to get to know the different guys and gals that are out there writing and never stop searching for the truth you seek.

    You are not alone AND you are loved! Peace, bro!


  8. Daemon thanks so much! I really appreciate the encouragement and the prayers!