Just finished reading "Washed and Waiting:Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality" by Wesley Hill. It was an incredible read! He put into words so much of what I feel but have never been able to explain. I encourage anyone who struggles with same sex attractions to read it! Also would be a great book for pastors, friends, and family of those who struggle with homosexuality to read as it really does a great job showing what its like for those who struggle with this. The book is sobering and brutally honest at times about this struggle and the hopes for healing but I found overall I came away encouraged and challenged like never before to realize how much God loves me even if I never experience healing in this life.
Of the three books I have read so far on homosexuality this one was by far the best! The other two I have read "Desires in Conflict" by Joe Dallas and "The Broken Image" by Leanne Payne focused alot on the possible origins of my SSA and on how to go about "healing" or "changing" myself. After reading those books I found I came away even more anxious and worried then before I read them wondering how I was ever going to be able to "change" myself and my attractions. This book does not focus on that at all. Instead it basically says if your attractions never change what then? In a way it sort of reminded me of this amazing post on Karen's blog "Pursue God" from last year.
A huge part of this book is about the loneliness we face as christians who struggle with homosexual desires and so choose to be celibate. Hill described this loneliness so perfectly. Of wanting to fit in with the happy christian couples at church but often feeling like an outsider. Of never really feeling like you belong anywhere: "no relationship seems to satisfy this yawning hunger to be known, to be loved, to be inside some nameless space that remains frustratingly, confusingly, closed." Still he says its better to try and form relationships with people at church then to live hidden your whole life: "We're better off for all that we let in- including all the pain we let into our lives when we open our souls to the fellowship of the church. That pain is better than the pain of isolation." Its something I have to and want to improve on for sure. Anyways this book definitely does not sugar coat the loneliness that a christian with SSA struggles with. It was painful for me to read at times as these thoughts on loneliness I have often deeply felt and thought but never been able to verbalize.
The book then goes on to encourage about Gods love while being realistic about the struggles and loneliness we face as gay christians and gives examples of other gay christians who have been celibate in order to honor God. Its not a long read at all at 150 pages and is only three chapters long with two other mini chapters about famous christians who struggled with SSA. One on the famous christian writer Henri Nouwen and another mini chapter on poet and priest Gerard Manley Hopkins.
Anyways I was really encouraged after reading this book. I was challenged to change my thinking on a lot of the ways I view myself as not pleasing to God because of my attractions and struggles with SSA. The challenge I have is the same as Wesley Hills to learn that:
"The Bible calls the Christian struggle against sin faith (Heb 12:3-4; 10:37-39). It calls the Christian fight against impure cravings holiness (Rom 6:12-13, 22). So I am trying to appropriate these biblical descriptions for myself. I am learning to look at my daily wrestling with disordered desires and call it trust. I am learning to look at my battle to keep from giving in to my temptations and call it sanctification. I am learning to see that my flawed, imperfect, yet never-giving-up faithfulness is precisely the spiritual fruit that God will praise me for on the last day, to the ultimate honor of Jesus Christ.
and that:
"The gospel tells us that our obedience matters to God, that he takes note of it. He sees our struggle to live faithfully with same sex attractions. He helps us with grace through his Son and Spirit. He values our perseverance."
It wont be an easy walk and I will face much loneliness and misunderstanding, but God will be there for me and like a father he is proud of my victories and will lift me from the dust after my stumbles. Do I still hope for healing? Of course! But this book has really taught me to leave it in Gods hands rather than try to force healing myself.
The book closes with a powerful afterword by Kathryn Greene-Mccreight challenging the church to better love and realize the struggles and loneliness of its gay members. Here is a part of it:
Do we (heterosexual Christians) simply cast our glances aside from our brothers and sisters who struggle with homosexual desires? Can we continue to ignore the isolation these brothers and sisters experience within the body of Christ? Are we afraid to hear about the same-sex desire of brothers or sisters for whom Jesus Christ died, even when they choose the narrow path of celibacy, despite the attendant trials of loneliness and solitude. "The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I have no need of you,' nor again the head to the feet, 'I have no need of you.' ...If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it." (I Cor 12:21, 26-27) We who are the body of Christ must show love, joy, hope, and fellowship of the gospel to all who are part of the body."
Anyways to sum it up I highly recommend this book if you are a Christian who struggles with same sex attractions, know someone who struggles with this, or want to have a better understanding of what its like to be a christian and struggle with SSA.
Thanks for the book review. Sounds like a book that would interest me.
ReplyDelete"After reading those books I found I came away even more anxious and worried then before I read them wondering how I was ever going to be able to 'change' myself and my attractions. This book does not focus on that at all. Instead it basically says if your attractions never change what then?"
IMO, this is a much healthier way for Christians to deal with the issue of homesexuality. The first Christian material I read (by James Dobson) on homosexuality emphasized that the majority of homosexuals were supposedly sexually abused at sometime in their past, which caused their attractions. This lead to much unhealthy concern on my part. I wondered why I had these attractions but had never been sexually abused. Then I began to wonder if I had been sexually abused, but it was a repressed memory. Anyway, from my experience, all the material that focused on "change," only lead me to unhealthy, paranoid navel gazing.
Glad you liked the review gaypk! Ya I encourage you to read this book as it was the first book like this I have read where the focus was not on change but on how to live the way you are. Have you ever read the article Wesley Hill wrote for Ransom Fellowship? If not check it out here: http://www.ransomfellowship.org/articledetail.asp?AID=506&B=Wesley%20Hill&TID=7 and you will get an idea of his writing style.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you about the church maybe needing to change its approach in alot of cases of pushing SSA struggler's to change their attractions somehow. Its just alot of pressure on someone to tell them ok you have these attractions you never choose, you feel they are wrong, now go change your attractions. I mean I never choose then to begin with and I was raised in the church and always felt it was not what God wanted for me yet that did not stop it from happening to begin with. And like I said in the review after I read those books earlier this year I was like really anxious about how would I ever be able to change myself and that maybe God would not be pleased with me if my attractions stayed. Instead of peace I found anxiety.
James Dobson was also my first experience learning about homosexuality as I have posted about before and the results were equally bad for me as your experience was!
Anyways ya if you decide to read this book let me know as I would love to hear your thoughts on it and I think you would like it!
Thanks for mentioning and reviewing the book, sure sounds like one I would like to read. Will get back to you on it.
ReplyDeleteIn many of the guys I have met, sexual abuse factored into their life one way or another. I also was a victim of sexual abuse. It was not the sole cause of SSA for sure but one thing that did drive me to try and understand what happened to me when that guy molested me. It was one of those highly emotional experiences and it confused and overwhelmed me. I have always been interested/driven to find the answers to the why's concerning my SSA and they are numerous.
I think this is why the issue of SSA is so troublesome for the majority of heterosexuals and even more so Christians, that is that it is so hard to dissect as to what is really behind it and why it even exists. We as SSA strugglers even have problems thinking it through, there are just so many troubling issues involved.
It is good though that we can talk about it and in so doing help each other. I see that in you, AJ, you are a thoughtful and caring person. God bless and strengthen you each day.
Ya sadly abuse is a factor in SSA for alot of people. But alot of people also were not abused and still have SSA. I am like gaypk in that I was not abused yet still ended up having these feelings despite being raised in a christian home.
ReplyDeleteYa I think you would like this book Stan as he really tackles the loneliness aspect of this battle and I know you have battled that as well! He gives some good advice and also shares his own struggles and loneliness and also shares lots of scriptures and stories about other SSA christians who shared these struggles with loneliness and SSA.
I agree its really hard to know exactly what is behind it. Dont know how even siblings in the same family can turn out different with one having same sex attractions and the other "normal". Maybe we will never know all the causes since human sexuality is so complex.
I agree its great to be able to talk about it! Something I have never been able to do until I found these blogs! Its great not keeping it all inside!! And thanks for the compliment Stan! :) God bless you as well!
AJ,
ReplyDeleteI second your recommendation of this book. I am currently reading it and at times cannot put it down. I am a little over half way through it and really don't want it to end. One thing that I really enjoyed in the beginning was when Wesley Hill spoke about consistently reminding himself that he was "the beloved of God". He speaks of battling through the shame of our sin. After reading that portion before I went to bed one night, I woke up the next morning with negative thinking and right away the next thing I remembered was "I am Christ's beloved!" Wow! It is so hard to remember and believe that God loves me....me! Why? It is easy for me to believe that God loves others, but me? That is my particular struggle and it is the result of years of mental and emotional abuse growing up. Wesley Hill helps me to come to grips that despite my brokeness, Christ died for me, loves me, and is my source of strength in this broken struggle. Thank you AJ for your review of this book.
Steve
Thanks steve! Glad you liked the review. Ya that part of the book was really powerful! Hard to imagine God loves the likes of me. But yet He does!!!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the rest of the book! I am going to be re-reading it soon!