Laying the Foundation

I am reading Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas and chapter 4 has some questions he wants the reader to answer. Well I decided to answer them here for all the world to see. lol :)


1.What event or circumstance motivated your decision to repent of homosexuality? hmm tough one. I have never acted out my lusts and fantasies with another person so it was not a specific event with another person or anything. About 4 months ago I had looked at porn for the first time in months and I was so disgusted with myself afterwards. After I was done I like usual felt intense shame, disgust, and remorse. The next day I woke up bitterly depressed. I was sure I was the only one on earth who was a christian and struggled with this. I cried for a long time to God and prayed to Him for help and hope. Well God delivered and led me to the blogs later that very day! I finally learned I was not alone. Ever since then I have been really battling like never before to try and repent of my ways and change into the man God wants me to be.

2.What specifically will you need to repent of (turn from)?
-Lust of guys
-Online Porn
-Fantasies about other guys while masturbating.

3.List ways your sexual behavior has effected you physically?
hmm I am not sure I know what to say. I have never been with another guy so dont really know what to answer. Or maybe I am misunderstanding the question? I guess you could say I have always hated the way I looked and wished I looked like other guys does that count? Sometimes I feel like its not worth getting more in shape because I am like who am I trying to impress? Other guys? Girls that I am not even attracted to? I dont know thats all I could come up with. Maybe I dont get the question or it does not apply?

4.List ways your sexual behavior has affected you mentally or emotionally.
Well I have really low self esteem and look down on myself. I have alot of self hate and sometimes think of myself as a freak. I am shy and am often afraid to talk at social events as I dont want people to know what I perceive to be the "real" me. This all started when I first started having these feelings and attractions to guys as before then I was not so shy. I sort of built a wall to hide my shame and guilt so others could not see the "real" me that I was so ashamed of and afraid they would see if I let them in. Basically because of my SSA and the probably wrong ways I have been dealing with it I do not have really any close friends because of my shame and hiding. Sure I have acquaintances but I have never allowed anyone in close enough to be considered a real friend IMO.

5.List any ways your sexual behavior has affected you spirituality.

-I have felt far from God at times and like there is no way God could love me.
-Felt like I was an abomination growing up in a very conservative christian school.
-Did not understand how I could be a christian and have these feelings.
-Afraid to join small groups at church as I felt my sin was to great and I would be judged. Seeing others open up I did not know how I would be able to.
-Filled with incredible shame and guilt.
-Felt I was a hypocrite for praying for healing and then lusting soon after.
-At times as a teenager wondered if I would go to hell because of my attractions.


6.Describe what your life will be like 5 years from now if you dont stop this behavior.
It will be the same as it is now. An unhappy life filled with hiding, guilt, shame, intense loneliness at times, and not many good things to look forward to.

7.You just described what your life will be like if you continue this behavior. Is this acceptable to you? Why or why not?

No its not acceptable to me. I cant continue on this path if I ever want to find happiness. I want to live the way God intended before my sinful nature or whatever messed everything up. I dream of someday having a wife and family but most of all I want to LIVE. I have been so afraid of my shame and guilt I feel like I have never really lived at all but instead have been in hiding my whole life. I want to be free. I want close friends. I want christian fellowship. I want to feel like I belong and am loved and accepted for who I am. I want to trust God like I know I should and really let it sink in that He loves even me.

8. List 10 reasons for remaining sexually pure and list 5 more each week after for the next 4 weeks:

(I sort of mixed sex and looking at porn for my list)

1.I want to honor God with my body.
2.I dont want the guilt that comes with failing.
3.Im tired of hiding my sins
4.The anxiety of being caught is to great
5.The disgust I feel for myself after looking at porn is not worth the 10 seconds of pleasure.
6.Its a dead end street looking at porn with no love or friendship gained from it.
7.I dont want to live in a fantasy world anymore.
8.Dont want any STD's
9.I dont want the shame.
10.If God ever blesses me with a wife it will be an amazing thing for me to be able to tell her despite all my temptations and struggles with SSA I never had sex with another guy.