I dont know lately I am feeling very confused. I had a really good weekend, meet alot of new people, went to two BBQ's, church etc... I did not say to much as I never do but I still had fun and I did have some conversations and got to know some people a little better. While I dont talk to much I do listen. I heard a few gay related jokes at the BBQ's and it kind of hurt me a little. Of course none of them know that I struggle with SSA but it makes me wonder if they would even want to get to know me if they knew I struggled with this. I fear they would see me as some sort of freak. The jokes were nothing terrible but I just felt a little hurt by them. Its just that everyone at all these events I went to were married, engaged to be married or dating. I just feel like such a loser or something to always show up at these events alone. I imagine to myself that they look down on me and think something is wrong with me for being single while they are all happy with someone they love.
Sometimes I really wish I had pursued intimate relationships with guys in the past so I could know what it is like and be able to remember the time I spent with them. Than I got to thinking how I would have a better story to tell people now too about how I used to have sexual relationships with guys but now dont and how God must be working in my life. You know the typical "ex-gay" story that I hear about on sites like Exodus. As it is now my story is really boring and I have been the same way forever: single, celibate, and lonely. I am just a single, lonely guy that everyone pities but no one wants to befriend. Of course I know that God is probably happy I have not given in and had relations with another guy. I dont know sometimes I wonder. Is God really any more proud of me resisting these urges than he would be of a person not saying a swear or something? What I mean is it takes all my will power not to act on my feelings but does that make God happy or is He just indifferent about the whole thing and to Him its like someone not saying a little white lie or something?
I know these are terrible things to be thinking but sometimes I really do wish I would have been intimate with a guy in the past. I sometimes wonder why I even have a penis if I am going to be a virgin my whole life.
I am sorry if this post offends anyone. Just feeling really sexually frustrated right now and wondering if I can really struggle with this and keep up fighting my desires for the rest of my life. What is so easy to everyone else I know (getting married to a member of the opposite sex and having a family) seems impossible to me. I know on my own I cant and the only hope I have is God helping me if that is what He wants for me, and leading me to a woman who understands my struggles and yet somehow still is able to love me.
Of course I have to face the very real possibility that God wants me to be single my whole life. I really get panicked when I think of that. But I have to start facing it and it terrifies me. Who will nurse me to health if I get sick? Who will visit me at the hospital? Who will comfort me after a long stressful day? Who will love me more than any other and let me love them more than any other? Not to mention the needs we as humans have for touch which will be hard to meet if I am single for my whole life. The need for touch is already an area I am basically starving for right now, never mind 10 years from now! Just a few of the many questions swirling around in my head when I think of a lifetime of being single. But I have to trust God that if he wants me to be single he will provide even though to me it causes me panic and fear.
Anyways wow sorry for the brutally honest post I just had to vent and get my feelings out. Dont worry I am not about to do anything rash or foolish that I might regret or anything just thinking out loud.
Showing posts with label Confession. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Confession. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
I was a brute beast before you
I am reading through Psalms right now and the other day I came upon this passage Psalm 73:21-26:
This is exactly how I sometimes feel when I give into lusts like a brute beast senseless and out of control. I hate that feeling when my body seems to control me.
Sadly I have a confession about a recent incident where I was like an out of control beast that started out innocent enough. As you may know I am new at this blog thing and the other night I learned the hard way I have to be careful what links I click on. I clicked a link that was in a comment on a fellow christian who has same sex attractions blog and ended up on some blog I had not been to before. Well I should have left right away. On this blog there was this long, very graphic and detailed description about him and his boyfriends sex from the night before and well I confess I read the whole blog post and became aroused and then masturbated. I could have closed the blog immediately and should have. That was my first impulse after I read the first couple of sentences and yet I kept on reading.
I am so weak and out of control sometimes. Truly like a mindless beast.
This passage gives me some hope though because even as the writer of this Psalm was saying he was like a beast before God he goes on to say that God was there the whole time so close that God was holding his hand. God gave me the way out of that temptation and I did not take it. Looking back I could almost sense Him nudging me; all I had to do was close out the page after reading the first few words and I would have been fine. The question is why didn't I?
My prayer for tonight is this passage especially the last two verses:
Lord please help me to desire you above all things. Please hold me by the hand and don't give up on me. Forgive me for my weakness and failures and help me to put my hope and trust in you. Jesus be the strength of my heart and help me not give in to temptation. You are all I have and all I want. I don't want to be like a beast who just does what is pleasurable but want to be your child. I love you Lord.
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
This is exactly how I sometimes feel when I give into lusts like a brute beast senseless and out of control. I hate that feeling when my body seems to control me.
Sadly I have a confession about a recent incident where I was like an out of control beast that started out innocent enough. As you may know I am new at this blog thing and the other night I learned the hard way I have to be careful what links I click on. I clicked a link that was in a comment on a fellow christian who has same sex attractions blog and ended up on some blog I had not been to before. Well I should have left right away. On this blog there was this long, very graphic and detailed description about him and his boyfriends sex from the night before and well I confess I read the whole blog post and became aroused and then masturbated. I could have closed the blog immediately and should have. That was my first impulse after I read the first couple of sentences and yet I kept on reading.
I am so weak and out of control sometimes. Truly like a mindless beast.
This passage gives me some hope though because even as the writer of this Psalm was saying he was like a beast before God he goes on to say that God was there the whole time so close that God was holding his hand. God gave me the way out of that temptation and I did not take it. Looking back I could almost sense Him nudging me; all I had to do was close out the page after reading the first few words and I would have been fine. The question is why didn't I?
My prayer for tonight is this passage especially the last two verses:
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Lord please help me to desire you above all things. Please hold me by the hand and don't give up on me. Forgive me for my weakness and failures and help me to put my hope and trust in you. Jesus be the strength of my heart and help me not give in to temptation. You are all I have and all I want. I don't want to be like a beast who just does what is pleasurable but want to be your child. I love you Lord.
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