I dont know lately I am feeling very confused. I had a really good weekend, meet alot of new people, went to two BBQ's, church etc... I did not say to much as I never do but I still had fun and I did have some conversations and got to know some people a little better. While I dont talk to much I do listen. I heard a few gay related jokes at the BBQ's and it kind of hurt me a little. Of course none of them know that I struggle with SSA but it makes me wonder if they would even want to get to know me if they knew I struggled with this. I fear they would see me as some sort of freak. The jokes were nothing terrible but I just felt a little hurt by them. Its just that everyone at all these events I went to were married, engaged to be married or dating. I just feel like such a loser or something to always show up at these events alone. I imagine to myself that they look down on me and think something is wrong with me for being single while they are all happy with someone they love.
Sometimes I really wish I had pursued intimate relationships with guys in the past so I could know what it is like and be able to remember the time I spent with them. Than I got to thinking how I would have a better story to tell people now too about how I used to have sexual relationships with guys but now dont and how God must be working in my life. You know the typical "ex-gay" story that I hear about on sites like Exodus. As it is now my story is really boring and I have been the same way forever: single, celibate, and lonely. I am just a single, lonely guy that everyone pities but no one wants to befriend. Of course I know that God is probably happy I have not given in and had relations with another guy. I dont know sometimes I wonder. Is God really any more proud of me resisting these urges than he would be of a person not saying a swear or something? What I mean is it takes all my will power not to act on my feelings but does that make God happy or is He just indifferent about the whole thing and to Him its like someone not saying a little white lie or something?
I know these are terrible things to be thinking but sometimes I really do wish I would have been intimate with a guy in the past. I sometimes wonder why I even have a penis if I am going to be a virgin my whole life.
I am sorry if this post offends anyone. Just feeling really sexually frustrated right now and wondering if I can really struggle with this and keep up fighting my desires for the rest of my life. What is so easy to everyone else I know (getting married to a member of the opposite sex and having a family) seems impossible to me. I know on my own I cant and the only hope I have is God helping me if that is what He wants for me, and leading me to a woman who understands my struggles and yet somehow still is able to love me.
Of course I have to face the very real possibility that God wants me to be single my whole life. I really get panicked when I think of that. But I have to start facing it and it terrifies me. Who will nurse me to health if I get sick? Who will visit me at the hospital? Who will comfort me after a long stressful day? Who will love me more than any other and let me love them more than any other? Not to mention the needs we as humans have for touch which will be hard to meet if I am single for my whole life. The need for touch is already an area I am basically starving for right now, never mind 10 years from now! Just a few of the many questions swirling around in my head when I think of a lifetime of being single. But I have to trust God that if he wants me to be single he will provide even though to me it causes me panic and fear.
Anyways wow sorry for the brutally honest post I just had to vent and get my feelings out. Dont worry I am not about to do anything rash or foolish that I might regret or anything just thinking out loud.
AJ,
ReplyDeleteReading your post, I understand where you are coming from. "What would it be like to be intimate with another guy", well, it is fun BUT and I repeat, BUT, it is not a feather in your hat to add to your resume and/or testimony. If God is more proud of one person than another He is more proud of the one who never gave in, no matter how hard it was.
There is a reality when it comes to one member of the male anatomy and that is concerning the penis. If a guy (talking about same sex here) has been physically intimate with another guy the brain is affected and the mind remembers each act and will be stored there in detail, even more than other life experience. Recalling any sexual act or even fantasizing sends a message which causes a guy to feel that sensation in his penis and when dwelled upon leads to acting out. Often if that guy has already been sexually intimate with another the first response is to seek out a body. As a Christian acting out with another guy there also comes the knowledge that somehow it is not right and if the guy is sensitive to God's voice he will seek forgiveness. Forgiveness brings relief but at the same time that same guy will be drawn back to sexual acting out if he lets lust and that feeling precipitated by former encounters take control of his thoughts. I hope this describes the dilemma caused by being intimate with another guy. This has been my experience and I wish I could erase all the times I gave in and had those intimate encounters. I used excuses like "I can't say NO", "I've had such a stressful week, I deserve this! (not often put in actual words but a feeling), "I need just a touch from another guy" (it never stops with just a touch, never) and most often just ignoring what you know you shouldn't do and yet doing it anyway, with the resulting regret and cycle of sin, ask forgiveness, promise to not do it again, but after a bit repeating the same.
With me, I was sexually abused by a hired man on our farm and by a woman. Sexuality was awakened way before I was able to comprehend what was happening, it confused the feelings and desires inside me. Later as I experienced puberty I was a mess when it came to controlling sexual desires. Satan used the combination of a male abusing me which felt good (why did I lean to SSA, guess that is part of the answer) and a woman which made me scared to death and pushed away any desire for a female. I am only sharing this because I want to show in another way what being intimate with another guy does.
AJ, my hope and prayer for you is to see how good a place you are in. It may seem like you are missing out on what others have experienced but you are not. Give it all to God, trust Him and you will feel good about yourself, no regrets. Talk about being brutally honest, I guess I just was but if it helps you, my brother, then you are saved from something that is a trap. Some may say, "sure that's okay for you to say, you've had your fun", but from where I sit right now the fun was not worth the damage to my body, mind and emotions, and my Christian walk before others.
Thanks Stan for the honest post and warnings. Ya I know you are right I guess I am just curious or think I missed out or something sometimes. I am thankful God has helped me with my desires so far and I have to trust Him that he will continue to. Just was feeling kinda down and frustrated when I posted this I guess.
ReplyDelete"If God is more proud of one person than another He is more proud of the one who never gave in, no matter how hard it was."
Oh I did not mean to imply that I want God to be more proud of me than others. I definitely dont and I dont think God ranks us. Just wanted to clarify in case in my post it came out wrong. I think God is just as proud of all His children who choose to follow Him and resist a temptation that comes on instead of giving in to whatever sin is their particular weakness. Whether they have failed a thousand times in the past or whatever. Besides while I have never had actual relations with another guy I have lusted and fantasied about them in my heart and looked at porn etc... which in the eyes of God is just as bad.
Anyways thanks Stan I appreciate this comment alot. Its great to hear from someone who has lived it. I know your right that if I did it once I would always be looking for more and more. Anyways thanks for the prayers, advice, and honesty about your own life.
You are right, I just meant that it is God's will for us to remain pure and so therefore that is more preferable, thus in a sense He would be more proud/pleased of the one who remained pure in the physical sense. Someone made a comment once that they wish they were "normal" but then a comment was made that all men are not exactly normal because we all have a tendency to lust and that is NOT normal. Made me think differently about normal, we are all bent to sin, but with Jesus and his work in us we are forgiven and clean before Him.
ReplyDeleteAJ,
ReplyDeleteI understand your question about whether God is ever indifferent. Certainly it feels that way some time, especially when we see things in our timing. I'm sure it is hard to be celibate in the face of temptation. But what an honorable presentation to make to the Lord.
I'm not really sure God is "proud" of anyone, no matter how strong we stand or how hard we fall. He sees us like he sees Christ, because of Christ. And He loves us.
I too wish I had never succumbed to the temptation of homosexuality. But, I do not feel any less loved because I did. I think the pain was not in vain. And that is what it is, really: pain. You never feel like you are in God's will in the midst of sin, because, how could we be?
Who knows what God has in store for you? Well, God does. That's where trust comes in. Maybe you will not always be a virgin. He already knows that too. Regardless, you are right when you say that God will provide. I pray that the panic and the fear and the uncertainty will diminish as He works in your life, which He surely is. I can tell that by reading your post.
Thank you Thom for the encouragement. Yea I have to just trust God. I know he must be working in my life as I have changed alot (for the better I think) already in the few months since I started this blog. God has been helping me try to open up to others and like I posted here a few weeks ago I actually told two people about my struggles which I never thought I would do even if someone held a gun to my head! So yea your right God is helping me and changing me slowly to be the person He wants me to be I just have to keep trusting Him.
ReplyDelete"As it is now my story is really boring and I have been the same way forever: single, celibate, and lonely. I am just a single, lonely guy that everyone pities but no one wants to befriend."
ReplyDeleteYou described me. Although, I don't know if I'll continue to pursue celibacy. I'm not sure where I am spiritually right now, so I really don't have much religious incentive to avoid a gay relationship.
Hey gaypk glad to hear from you again. Ya it sounds like we are very similar in our experiences from what you have posted here in the past and this as well. I know you say you are not feeling very close to God right now but I want you to know I am going to be praying for you anyways. :)
ReplyDeleteIf you ever feel like you need to talk feel free to email me. My email address is in my profile.
Anyways thanks for posting.
AJ,
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you !
Go after God. Let a love for Him replace sin in your life.
Thanks for the prayers MR. I appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteOh coooool didnt know my little photo would post next to my name. :)
ReplyDeleteI just read this and am praying for you. I would like to encourage you in a few areas, though. One, don't assume that your desire for touch or close relationships is purely sexual. Every guy needs close relationships with other men, and most men desire to touch their friends. After all, we all want to feel accepted, and touch strongly communicates trust and acceptance. You've obviously heavily sexualized those desires. I did as well. Don't try to deny the healthy side of those desires. Develop close relationships with fellow Christians and initiate hugs and other forms of appropriate non-sexual touch that can help desexualize the male body. Expect to react intensely at first. If you have been yearning for close relationships with men for a long time, you will feel very happy the first time you develop such a friendship. This was easier for me, as I did this in college, but I strongly encourage you to try.
ReplyDeleteSecond of all, do everything to stop looking at homosexual pornography or fantasizing. Clear your saved porn, get a filter, get an accountability partner, etc. Nothing worked for me until I told people, got a filter, and tried very hard to notice what emotions triggered me to seek porn. Usually, for me, it was feeling unmasculine or unliked. It took a year and a half of almost total abstinence from porn before I stopped lusting daily. I was addicted for about five years, but you've probably been addicted longer, so recovery may take longer.
Third, no matter what you think, men do want to be your friends, but they may not initiate the friendship. You may have to invite them or learn to do things they like, even though if they intimidate you. And as you get closer, you must allow yourself to be vulnerable. I know that I was unable to love myself or feel God's love until I had close male friends hear my deepest sins and temptations and love me anyway. Appropriate close relationships are the best path to healing any form of psychological or relational brokenness.
The best way to such relationships is, not surprisingly, to get out of yourself. One of the best decisions I ever made was to not let my sense of inferiority and shame get in the way of my loving and serving others. After all, the greatest commandments are to love and serve God and our neighbor. It was when I focused on loving other people rather than pitying myself that my need for love was actually filled.
And you may not even know your deepest relational needs. I had always kept myself so physically and psychologically apart from people since I'd started wondering if I was gay that I had forgotten what non-lustful feelings I had towards people. When I allowed myself to love in a vulnerable and self-giving way, I found myself developing crushes for women, not for men, and I realized that I didn't "love" men romantically. I only "lusted" for them. So, it may be possible that you have so isolated yourself, so preoccupied yourself with envy towards other men, so ingrained the arousal response to the male body into your brain that you don't even know what your deepest relational needs are. I certainly didn't.
I recommend reading "Wired For Intimacy." It's not about homosexuality but about pornography. However, it discusses the science of how pornography corrupts and becomes addictive. Pornography can convince us that we want lots of things that aren't healthy (weird fetishes, violent sex, etc.). Those erotic fireworks are not necessary for a healthy loving relationship with a person of the opposite sex. Otherwise, relationships between unattractive people would never last. :)
I hope you find these tips encouraging and helpful for you as you take on this very difficult journey. Don't worry about the future. Just try to live faithfully in the present. God will provide. And don't let fear stop you. Most of all, may God bless you, sanctify you, and bring you unending joy in Christ Jesus. You are loved just as you are, whether you feel worthy of that love or not.
Tim
Thanks Tim for all of the advice! Alot to think on. Believe it or not I dont really look at porn very much. Its been over 2 months since I looked at anything and before that it had been like 4 months. I do realize at any time I could fail again though so I always have to be on guard.
ReplyDeleteI do have a problem with fantasies and masturbation though. So maybe thats the same thing. Do you think that book would still be a help for me? Or is it only about porn?
Anyways thanks for all of the suggestions. I see alot of good advice and wisdom. Of course its hard to actually make the advice happen lol. But I have been really trying to make friends, not to successful yet though. I am trying of least though. I definitely long for close relationships and friendships with other christians. Its kind of hard because I feel like with Christians its all about couples. So at all these events I always feel like the third wheel and I feel like I am being looked down on or interrogated as to why I dont have a GF. Its probably mostly in my imagination but I feel some how inferior to everyone else. Plus it seems that couple prefer to be friends with other couples so I dont know I always feel uncomfortable. Know what I mean? Sure I could just tell them of my struggles but its not something I would be comfortable doing unless I really know a person. So ya I have alot to work on as usual. Overwhelming to think about. Gotta just keep trying one day at a time I guess.
Anyways thanks for the comment and advice.
I understand your difficulties with forming friendships with other guys, especially if everything consists of couple functions. :( Do they have a men's group in your church or something? I guess the best advice I can give is, if there's a guy at one of these couple's functions who you think is a really nice guy, talk to him about what he's interested in. See if you have similar interests, and then invite him to do something you both like. Then, you'll find out if he's looking for good guy friends or not.
ReplyDeleteI do think that book would still be helpful, because it's a description of what fantasizing, and pornography especially, does to ingrain sexual responses in the brain and of what healthy sexual responses should look like. The impacts of pornography, and fantasizing, will last well beyond the time they are no longer indulged in because those ways of thinking have become habitual. For example, men who haven't looked at pornography usually don't look at every woman as a sex object, but most men do look at pornography and are always sizing up women. Once your brain gets used to getting off on certain images, it takes a lot of effort to retrain it. Pornography or actual sex are obviously much more powerful at ingraining sexual responses. However, fantasies do shape your sexuality and keep it tied to specific thoughts.
When I first started trying to overcome homosexual responses, I wasn't able to stop myself from masturbating or from fantasizing. However, I forced myself to fantasize differently. I didn't allow myself to imagine myself as a different, more masculine man, because that was very much the center of where my homosexual lust developed. I didn't allow myself to dwell on fantasies of having sex with a man, even if they popped into my head. Rather, I tried to remember the heterosexual fantasies that I had had in my life, and I tried to imagine positively, if not erotically, what sex with my wife on a wedding night would be like. And I forced myself to imagine myself as myself having these sexual relations (no toned muscles, no dark hairy chest). Over time, these fantasies, although they were never as arousing, became more arousing. They also became the fantasies that my brain automatically turned to, rather than gay fantasies. I also think that actually forcing myself to imagine myself as myself in sexual situations actually made me become more self-accepting of my own body.
Ya those are good ideas Tim about seeing if I have common interests. I think I do have some with some of the guys I met. Just gotta get the courage to talk more. I am not very outgoing at all. So gotta work on that too.
ReplyDeletehmm interesting ideas about the fantasies. Maybe I will try that next time I have a fantasy. I know lusting is wrong but maybe its not so wrong if I am trying to lust like a "normal" male lol. I dont know. It would be interesting to me to see what would happen "down there" if I tried to force myself to think of women more though.
So could I ask you something Tim? So like are you not attracted to guys at all anymore? Or is there still an attraction but more so to women? Or are you overall still more attracted to guys than women except for your wife(if you are married)? I just am really curious as its
helpful to me to know what exactly change is.
Ok, so I'm going back to Jesus' description of adultery: "If you look on a woman in lust, you have committed adultery with her in your heart." So I find it very hard to justify fantasizing about ANYONE. Resist from ALL sides! Have you thought about how mch more it will suck being addicted to both straight and gay porn? Satan has decieved many into thinking that lusting after women is just "practice" for the real thing. It's still adultery! (Sorry, Tim if that seems harsh, but you need to understand.)
ReplyDeleteSecondly, AJ: I want to let you know that I was in your boat for many years, wondering if I would die a virgin. But I can say that since having sex, my temptations have no just doubled but tripled! Sex outside of marriage is like 2 pieces of cardboard glued together and ripped apart. Do that multiple times, and you're pretty screwed up. I have pieces of myself stuck on others, and I can't seem to shake off others from me. It's worse than replaying the porn you've seen on the internet. It's in 4D, with smells, feelings, sounds, and tastes. It's a much harder experience to resist now. So don't even think that you're missing out. You're on the right track, buddy. Keep resisting!
By the way this is wakeupgen on xanga ;D I'll let ya know when I finish my testimony. Should be later today
Hey Johnny thanks for commenting! Ya I know you are right about the sex thing. I really liked how you described it that it would be taking a 2d thing I see on the screen and turning it into a 4d experience making it all the harder to resist in the future. I wont lie still sounds good to me sometimes! But your right its better if I can keep on this path of resisting with God's help.
ReplyDeleteYa you are also probably right about the fantasy thing. I actually tried it the other night and really could not get excited at all thinking about women. I dont even really know what to think about with females that would excite me. :( In any case I agree its probably not good for me to try and find yet another thing to lust over! Although I would love to someday be attracted to woman I know realistically it may never happen. Still I have read about alot of guys where God still provides a wife even if the attraction is not as strong so who knows what the future could hold.
Anyways thanks for the encouragement and comment I will for sure check out the rest of your testimony when its up!
Johnny, I completely agree. I think that all fantasizing, and masturbation for that matter, is a sin. And I think lusting after a woman you know or looking at straight porn is just as much of a sin as lusting after a guy you know or looking at gay porn. However, I do think there is an ambiguous area in regards to fantasizing. When I was strongly homosexually attracted, I did not have the self control to stop masturbating (which is true of lots of guys, no matter what their orientation). If I masturbated, images of men and gay sex would automatically appear in my mind, because I had been spending years linking my sexual arousal to specific fantasies, specific images, specific stories, and specific actions. So, when I first tried to stop fantasizing homosexually, I found that the most effective thing to do while masturbating (since I didn't have the will power to stop) was to try to hold in my head an image of me having sex with a woman I loved (not an actual woman I knew or an image I'd seen) on our wedding night.
ReplyDeleteObviously, the arousal wasn't as intense, and the image wasn't particularly clear, since I wasn't deriving it from an erotic story or pornography. However, it did effectively keep me from reinforcing homosexual fantasies unwillingly because it kept them from popping into my mind all the time. It also helped me to de-link my addiction to masturbation from my low sense of self-worth and envy of other men's bodies. Finally, it did gradually make the concept of sex with a woman a more real possibility in my mind. I think those are positive things in my mind. And I would say that, if we're not lusting after specific women, images, or sinful actions, that imagining being married and having appropriate sexual relations with a woman is a good thing, especially if otherwise you will be imagining sinful things, because what we think about shapes what we want. If you want to want appropriate sexual relations, you've got to think about appropriate sexual relations once in awhile.
I hope that makes more sense. I am NOT advocating trying to develop arousal to straight pornography, because sanctified sexuality would not be turned on by straight pornography any more than gay pornography. Plus, it would just be discouraging, because you can't force yourself to be aroused by something you don't find arousing. However, you can imagine appropriate sexual relations while aroused, and discover affectionate actions that you find at least desirable or pleasurable, if not arousing, such as kissing a woman's shoulders or giving her a back massage. This was not the most important thing for me in altering my sexuality, however, when I did experience some orientation change, I found that the first heterosexual thoughts I was actually aroused by were of me kissing a woman, caressing a woman, massaging a woman, which I prefer because my arousal was tied to the concept of giving of myself to a woman rather than to specific body parts or to taking or using her for my own pleasure. I do think that my allowing myself to only imagine appropriate, loving sexual relations with a woman while masturbating did contribute to that.
And AJ, I'll send you an e-mail regarding your other questions, so I don't plug up your blog.
I think I understand a little bit of where you're coming from, Tim. It's just that I equate fantasizing with lust, so I couldn't see how you could fantasize about women and think you were okay. I was thinking more sexual acts than what you described.
ReplyDeleteBy the way I finished my testimony. You guys can read it here: http://wakeupgen.xanga.com/729699288/testimony-part-1/
Tim ya that makes alot of sense to me. I got your email and replied to it. Thanks so much for taking the time!
ReplyDeleteJohnny just read your complete testimony. WOW man that is some powerful stuff. Thank you for sharing that!
Just want affirm you for who you are, and rejoicing that you have not had to deal with sexual baggage with other guys. You are blessed, my friend. And I pray for you to be content in God's plan for your life, and to cling to Him when you feel temptation.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jeff for the encouragement!
ReplyDelete