A Click Away

Wow re-reading my my last post made it sound like I am far from God. I just wanted to clarify that those feelings I mentioned in Question 5 of my last post are things I have felt from time to time and most of them things I thought in the past and not things that I think all the time! In fact In the past few months I have felt closer to God than I ever have before! I think its because I am finally really open with God and admitting everything to Him. All my fears, my pains, my hopes, my dreams. In addition to this blog I keep a journal. I write it as if writing to God and its been a great help to me. I have only been doing it for about 8 months or so. But its great looking back and realizing WOW God did answer me. If I had not written it down I may have forgotten. For instance in the weeks up to finding the blogs I had some really painful entries where I was telling God how alone I felt in my struggle. Well than I just re-read the entry after I found the blogs and it made me smile to see how happy I was to see I was not alone in this struggle. I am sure God smiled too and was happy to answer my prayers. I am really realizing He loves me for me as I am now. And because He loves me as I am now I am trying to follow His will for me to show my love back in some small way! I know I cant match His love for me with works but I can try to honor Him. Sure I will fail many times and without His help would fail ALL the time, but He knows whats in our heart.

Ever since I finally admitted on my blog that I have these attractions and talked to my brother and his wife it has been a freeing experience and I have felt Gods love like never before. I am so encouraged by all you guys who read this and your blogs. Seriously to see how God is working in your lives is amazing. It encourages me and I hope in some small way I encourage you all too. Sure we all have struggles and our walks may be harder than straight Christians and they may not understand us or our struggle all the time but of least we understand each other and can support and pray for each other. And even if others dont understand this struggle completely many will still pray for us and try to help as they can.

I sometimes in the past wished the internet had not been invented because it makes looking at porn to easy. But then I could not imagine what it would have been like if it was like the 1950's now with no internet. I never would have found any of you and likely would have thought I was alone with this struggle my entire life.
Like everything else in life the internet can be used for good and evil. Satan has found it as an easy way to tempt people with online porn that is a mouse click away but God also uses it and there is christian support a mouse click away as well. The question is where will we point that mouse? Isn't the support and prayers we give one another way better than the few seconds of pleasure we get from online porn? I think it is!

Anyways I guess I am just sort of rambling today. I am in a good mood. Going to be visiting some family this weekend and they have a pool and its like 93 degrees lol :) I am thankful for a new day. I am thankful to God for loving even me. I am thankful for you all. I am thankful to be alive!

Hey if you are ever feeling down read Psalms 103. Love that chapter it really shows the love of God and how eager He is to love and forgive us! I will post it here even though its kinda long:

Psalms 103 (NLT)

1 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
2 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
3 He forgives all my sins
and heals all my diseases.
4 He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
5 He fills my life with good things.
My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!

6 The Lord gives righteousness
and justice to all who are treated unfairly.

7 He revealed his character to Moses
and his deeds to the people of Israel.
8 The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
9 He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
10 He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
12 He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.
13 The Lord is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
14 For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust.
15 Our days on earth are like grass;
like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
16 The wind blows, and we are gone—
as though we had never been here.
17 But the love of the Lord remains forever
with those who fear him.
His salvation extends to the children’s children
18 of those who are faithful to his covenant,
of those who obey his commandments!

19 The Lord has made the heavens his throne;
from there he rules over everything.

20 Praise the Lord, you angels,
you mighty ones who carry out his plans,
listening for each of his commands.
21 Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels
who serve him and do his will!
22 Praise the Lord, everything he has created,
everything in all his kingdom.
Let all that I am praise the Lord." (bolded by me AJ)

Love letter from God

Today is a good day. Why you ask? Its a good day because I am alive and God created and loves me! But why am I suddenly in this better mood? Because I just read a love letter from God!

As I posted last week I am reading through Psalms right now. As you may know from my last couple of posts I have been kinda depressed and lonely lately. Well this morning during my reading of Psalms I just read Psalm 103 for the first time in years and I was reminded just how much God loves me. I am in awe at God's mercy and love! What an amazing chapter this is and an amazing God we have! Just as I was sinking and feeling depressed, unlovable and hopeless God leads me to this passage that is like a love letter to all of mankind. I am blown away by His love and mercy. My heart just lifted more and more as I read this chapter and I had tears in my eyes thinking about how great God is and how amazing it is that he loves and forgives a sinner like me.

This is why I have to continue to always remember to make time to read the Bible. Sometimes I need to be reminded what an incredible and loving God we serve.

If you are having a bad day and think God cant love and forgive a sinner like you or like me then I challenge you to read Psalm 103 and see if you still think that after.

Here is a small passage from it but seriously read the whole chapter!

Psalm 103: 8-16

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

Pretty amazing right? And there is a bunch of other stuff just as great in the rest of this chapter. Reading this made my day! Why do I sometimes give up pure, real, perfect love like that for some temporary sinful pleasure and lusts in this life of mine that is so short God compares it to the life of a flower?

Will I stumble and fail in the future? Sadly it is likely. Will I get depressed and lonely sometimes? Ya probably. But "He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities." The truth is I deserve death and to be far from God as do all sinners. But the insanely good news is that because of Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection God does not treat me or treat you how we deserve to be treated! Instead of death this passage says that God's love for us is so great its as "high as the heavens are above the earth". He loves me anyways despite the times I have stumbled or may stumble in the future and has removed my transgressions from me as far as the east is from the west. God is always ready to forgive me and give me a second, third, or 1,000th chance!!

I think I may print out this whole chapter and tape it to the wall so I can read it whenever I am feeling down. No love letter from a human could ever be so good!

Will tomorrow be a good day? I don't know but of least today is, not because of any changes in my circumstances, but because God saw fit to remind me of His love and I thank Him for that! Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Thank you Lord for being so good to a sinner like me. Forgive my doubts, fears, and many sins. I am but dust and yet you love me and forgive my sins. Please help me to always remember how much you care for me. Help me not to swallow the Enemy's lies that I am worthless and unlovable as these verses clearly show me how untrue those lies are! You cared and loved me enough to sacrifice your Son for one as lowly and sinful as me! I am humbled and in utter amazement Lord. I Love you Jesus.

I was a brute beast before you

I am reading through Psalms right now and the other day I came upon this passage Psalm 73:21-26:

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

This is exactly how I sometimes feel when I give into lusts like a brute beast senseless and out of control. I hate that feeling when my body seems to control me.

Sadly I have a confession about a recent incident where I was like an out of control beast that started out innocent enough. As you may know I am new at this blog thing and the other night I learned the hard way I have to be careful what links I click on. I clicked a link that was in a comment on a fellow christian who has same sex attractions blog and ended up on some blog I had not been to before. Well I should have left right away. On this blog there was this long, very graphic and detailed description about him and his boyfriends sex from the night before and well I confess I read the whole blog post and became aroused and then masturbated. I could have closed the blog immediately and should have. That was my first impulse after I read the first couple of sentences and yet I kept on reading.

I am so weak and out of control sometimes. Truly like a mindless beast.

This passage gives me some hope though because even as the writer of this Psalm was saying he was like a beast before God he goes on to say that God was there the whole time so close that God was holding his hand. God gave me the way out of that temptation and I did not take it. Looking back I could almost sense Him nudging me; all I had to do was close out the page after reading the first few words and I would have been fine. The question is why didn't I?

My prayer for tonight is this passage especially the last two verses:

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Lord please help me to desire you above all things. Please hold me by the hand and don't give up on me. Forgive me for my weakness and failures and help me to put my hope and trust in you. Jesus be the strength of my heart and help me not give in to temptation. You are all I have and all I want. I don't want to be like a beast who just does what is pleasurable but want to be your child. I love you Lord.