Hope?

Hey guys I was just wondering is there any hope of one day being more attracted to females? I read books like "The Broken Image" by Leanne Payne and it just confuses me even more as she seems to say if you say some special prayer and go to lots and lots of intense counseling sessions and spends lots of money your attractions will change. But then I read on other sites how even married guys with SSA are still attracted to guys more than woman.

Or should I just give up on that hope? I am so confused about things. Some days I have a slight attraction to a woman where I am like wow she is beautiful but its never anywhere near my attraction for guys and always fleeting. Its like I dont feel I deserve to be attracted to females or something. Like I dont think I am man enough for them. Sometimes I wonder if when I was a teenager I worried myself into having SSA because I did not feel accepted by others. I remember thinking often "What if I am gay?" because I was not dating girls like other guys and was not attracted to them.

I am just so sick of all this. Every day is a battle and I am always finding myself thinking about my attractions and how best to battle them. Other guys my age are happily married with families and they never have to worry about their sexuality at all. In fact it seems they have no worries at all sometimes compared to me. I know this is not true and they have plenty of worries but I guess I still think it at times. Married guys do have to worry of being able to provide financially for their family but all those worries seem worth it since they have a loving family and a reason to work hard and something to come home to at the end of the day other than an empty, lonely house.

If I could just live the life of a straight guy for one week and not have to think about my sexuality at all and just be a normal guy it would be the best week of my life and for them it is just an average ho-hum week. I hope they realize how God has blessed them and how lucky they are.

There does not seem to be much to look forward to if I am going to be like this my entire life. Just loneliness. I had a bad day yesterday at church where I was seeing all the happy married couples. I almost cant stand to go to church anymore as I feel I will never be like most of the people there and they dont want to be friends with me anyways. They are far to busy with family life than to have time to befriend the lonely, sexually confused, shy guy. I know its wrong to be jealous and have envy but I cant seem to accept my lot in life yet my attractions wont change either.

Anyways dont really know the point of this post. Just venting I guess and wishing I was not me. I know there must be reasons God lets me struggle with this. I have posted many reasons why He might allow this in past blog posts. Its just so hard to keep the faith sometimes when nothing seems to be going right.

I could use some prayers if you feel like praying for me.

I need your touch

"I'm crying out come rescue me with love. Like a child needs a night-light in the dark. Lord light me up I'm lovesick for just one touch. Your all I need but you never seem to be enough"
Tenth Avenue North
Lovesick

Hey all sorry for not posting lately. You may remember a month or two back I posted how I thought I finally had my masturbation struggles sort of under control. Well those days are long gone and I struggle with it often now. I also want to confess that I gave into looking at porn for the first time in awhile last week. That of course made me feel like crap for a little while too. But I prayed and asked for forgiveness and told my accountability partner and thankfully got over the guilt and shame I was feeling. Psalm 130 is a passage that really encouraged me.

I dont know I am realizing that its when I am feeling lonely that I am the weakest. The problem is I am lonely most of the time. I just cant seem to get the close relationships with others that I want. Sometimes I feel like my only purpose in life is to be an example of a lonely person to make other Christians grateful for their families and close friends. I know thats wrong but at times I think it anyways. I just cant get over my fears of opening up and letting myself be vulnerable to others. I am afraid of being rejected and judged. The thing is I want to be vulnerable but just dont know how to start.

This past weekend was good though but made me realize all I miss out on. We had a family reunion and there were lots of hugs and physical contact and stuff. It just made me realize how much I crave human touch. I dont get it often at all since I dont have many close friends. When I am craving it I find I end up trying to fulfill my cravings myself by masturbating and/or looking at porn. Dont really know what to do to fulfill this human need of touch. A handshake is not enough I want hugs and real intimate contact like rubbing each others back, and resting my head on their shoulders and stuff like that. I dont know I am just pathetic at making close friends where we would be comfortable doing this I guess.

Ya I know God should be enough much like it says in this song. He should be enough but as humans we are weak and seem to need more. But God made humans this way to crave touch. He probably did that for a reason since He knew we will need to comfort and be close to eachother to get through this hard life. I have been pretending I am not human and dont need these close relationships for so long its hard to transition out of it and be human and vulnerable to others. I so want to. But its hard.

So anyways please pray for me that I can resist trying to fulfill my need for close relationships and human touch with other things like porn and masturbation.

Mistakes, regrets, and moving forward

I have been thinking alot lately about mistakes I may have made in the way I dealt with my SSA all these years. Since I had never talked to anyone about my issues until I started my blog a few months ago I was just doing what I thought was best. I figured since I was attracted to guys then its obvious that I must keep away from guys and not form close friendships with them. I did not want them to find out my secret and did not want to stumble and fall with a guy. Well because of that I really have not had close male friends in a long time. And I am realizing from reading posts people have been making and chatting with others that I may have been handling things wrong. That not interacting with guys and not having close friendships with guys probably made my attractions and lusts for guys even stronger then they would have been as I felt like I was not one of them. This makes me really sad and hurts me deeply when I think about it. Because how do you make up for the lost time and experiences and growing up you missed? You can try but in reality you can't really. Of least not in the way it would have happened more naturally at that time.

One of my biggest regrets is that I did not go away to a christian college and live the dorm life with other guys. Once again it was a case of me doing things with the best of intentions only to realize now I was probably all wrong. I figured that I could not handle seeing guys in their underwear and undressing and sleeping in the same room and stuff for 4 years in the dorms. I thought I would be aroused 24/7 and never be able to study or think straight. I mean when you see straight christian guys attracted to females you dont see them go live with a bunch of them who walk around their rooms in their bra's to try and lessen their attractions you know what I mean?? So I figured I would treat males like straight guys treated females and not move in with a bunch of guys who I figured would cause me to lust. So I did what I thought was the right thing and picked a local state college to go to that I commuted to. I formed no real friendships there since I just drove in, took my classes, and drove back. Plus I think if I had told anyone there of my struggles they would have just encouraged me to act on them. I realize now that if I had gone away I would have been forced to be with other guys all the time and may have come to realize I am just like them and maybe been accepted and opened up more and felt like one of the guys. Maybe not but it could not have hurt.

Why did I let my SSA get the best of me and control my life? I was such a fool to let my struggles control me. So I am in this weird position of sadness over something I thought I was doing right at the time. I have to get over the anger I have for myself. Its like now its so clear what I should have done that I dont know why I could not see it then.

So where does this realization leave me now? Well glad you asked. What can be done now about the past? Nothing. I cant relive those years so I have to realize its useless for me to spend time worrying about things I may have done wrong in my struggle with SSA. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time so I cant dwell on it. I guess everyone hurts some time or another about things in the past. Its better to hurt than to be in the numb state I have been in for years (although sometimes i would prefer the numb state lol). So now I am trying to think of other ways to make close male friendships and relate with guys. Its ALOT harder now than it would have been then as most of the guys my age are married and far to busy with family life to form close friendships. Of least with a single guy. I notice married people have no trouble going out with new couples they meet but seldom go out with single people. I guess they think single people have a disease or something and dont want to catch it lol.

But I am going to try to go out of my comfort zone a little and reach out to people more.I am thinking of joining a small group at my church hoping that will let me get closer to people. Maybe that will be a way I can get closer male friends? There are not many other options really as I am kinda quite and have real trouble just introducing myself to random people. Also I have been trying to go to more functions like BBQ's and have been hanging out with acquaintances and friends of my brothers from church and that has been working too as I find I am more comfortable around his friends lately so I will continue doing that.

Anyways I am just thinking out loud to myself about my options of trying to reconnect with the male world. Forget reconnecting how about connecting for the first time lol. I definitely long to be accepted by other males and have male friends. This is all stuff I should have learned as a teenager but didnt because I felt different and separate from other males because of my SSA. Makes me wonder who would even want to be friends with someone as slow at learning basic life lessons as me lol. But I know thats just satan telling me lies. And that someone out there wants a new friend lol :).

If anyone else has any ideas or anything on making friends with guys or anything please post a comment.

Lord when I think about my past and the mistakes I made dealing with this and the way I let my SSA and fear control my life it fills me with great sadness and regret. I should have trusted You. Help me not to dwell on my past mistakes in dealing with this Lord. Instead show me the way to having the close friendships and acceptance I have longed for my entire life. Thank you Lord for having patience with me as I know it must be frustrating to watch me stumbling and messing up all the time as I try to deal with all my problems and sins. Help me not to deal with my sins alone but instead rely on You. I know that you are remaking me patiently and lovingly into the man you want me to be and I am so thankful I am learning these things now of least. I love you Father.

Please Let Me Off the Rollercoaster

Lately I just want to get off this roller coaster my emotions have become. I am just sick of it. One day I am feeling great and close to God thinking sure I will be fine and everything will work out. Then other days like today I feel its hopeless and I will be lonely the rest of my life. I just feel like its not fair sometimes that I struggle with this while others live a great life with a loving family. But then again I guess life is not fair. For whatever reason God seems to bless some with things like a wife and a family while others like me struggle with something as basic to their humanity as their sexual identity. Its hard to know why but I guess we wont know until we get to heaven. But I still choose to keep trusting God that He must have some kind of plan and purpose for me.

I am almost done with the Desires in Conflict book I have been reading. I have to admit at times it is painful to read as so much what he described seemed to be about me. Hearing his theory about SSA does make alot of sense but its painful to know that things in my childhood may have caused this. It makes me think if only misunderstandings about relationships had not occurred, if only I had more male friends and felt accepted as one of the guys. Maybe I would be married now with a family instead of lonely and confused. If only, if only, if only...

But there is no use wishing things had happened differently. They didnt and its a waste of time for me to constantly dwell on the past and wish I had done this instead of that etc... Plus maybe I would not like the person I would be if I met him today if everything happened different. Maybe that person would think he does not need God because everything in his life is great. Maybe when I get to heaven I will actually thank God for letting me struggle with this as it made me depend on Him when otherwise I would try to do things on my own? Maybe, but for now its a really hard struggle so I just have to keep trying and trusting in God day by day. I have to finally try to move forward and try to leave the pain behind. Its a hard thing to do since the pain has been with me so long of wanting to fit in but never being accepted by my peers, the loneliness, the feelings of guilt and shame.

Having said all that I actually had a good weekend last weekend though. I volunteered at church last Sunday to help set up the worship team. So I got to church around 7 am and we set up all the cables and instruments and sound system and stuff. Got to meet some other people and went out for coffee after we were done and before the service started. It was good and I felt like part of a team. I will have to do it again I think.



Lord please help me to be happy with what I have. Help me not to compare my life with others but just accept that some people have more struggles in life than others. I know its probably for my own good that you let me struggle with this even though its a painful thing and often its hard for me to understand. Please help me to trust You Jesus and to know that you only want whats best for me. Help me to form close relationships with other guys and finally feel accepted. I love you Lord and thank You for my life.

Overwhelmed

Hey all. I just really need your prayers right now. I feel so overwhelmed with life and my struggles. I am afraid to tell others of my struggles with SSA, and afraid to keep it in. I feel like I waited to long and now its impossible to tell people. They will think I am strange for waiting so long to admit this. I dont feel like a man but a child. I feel like my whole life has been spent in hiding and I dont know how to un-hide.

I sometimes wish I could go back in time and try to re-live my life with what I now know. I gotta stop doing that as it just drives me crazy thinking how things could be different. I have to forget the past pain and loneliness and try to make future joy. I just hope I can someday find some happiness and peace. And I really dont even know where to start which is one of the reasons I am so overwhelmed. I do know I need to form closer relationships with other Christians though. Please pray for me that God will lead me to some Christians that I can form closer relationships with and that I can find some peace. I just am so confused about everything.

Down but not out

Hey guys

Did you ever just wake up depressed? Well thats what happened to me today. I was just thinking about church last week. As I have posted before I am a really shy person so dont have many friends. I really tried to give off a friendly vibe and try to talk to some people after the service but everyone pretty much seemed to ignore me. So I ended up just drinking coffee alone in the corner. There is this friend of my brothers who I have met before and I was drinking coffee after church downstairs talking to my brother and he came up and they were talking and I said hi and tried to work my way into the conversation but he pretty much just seemed to ignore me. I dont know that just really hurt me. It just seems that no one ever gives me a chance. I think everyone misunderstands me and they think I want to be alone because I am shy and quiet. The truth is I ache for friends. I guess people must be able to tell I am needy or something so they avoid me. Maybe I dont deserve friends thats what I sometimes think. I would probably just be a burden anyways. Its my own fault anyways for building up this wall to protect myself from letting others know of my struggle with SSA. The wall is to thick now I fear I never will break through it.

I'm just a coward. After all this time I still cant even get up the courage to tell my family of my struggles with SSA never mind anyone else. Although last week I came closer than I ever have to telling my brother and his wife after the cookout when everyone else left. But they had alot of work to do so I chickened out because I did not want to take up their whole day. I just dont like to be a burden and I fear our relationship will change once they know. It would kill me if after my brother knew we did not hang out because we are friends but instead because he feels bad for me.

Anyways I cant really think of a way to end this post. If anyone has any advice on how to open up to others and tell them of my struggles with SSA I would love to read it! Sometimes I just dont know how to start the conversation like I dont know if I should just mention it in the course of a normal conversation or be all serious and say I have something I am struggling with and need to talk or whatever. But any advice at all anyone may want to share on how to tell others about this struggle I would really appreciate reading.

Ok thanks for listening.



(Hey btw did anyone get the pun in my post title??) :-)

...

I am at my brothers house for the weekend. Its 1:12 AM and i am on my laptop. I am really feeling very down. I just am so tired of it all. I know i should be over all this and just accept the fact I will be alone forever and realize its good to suffer for the Lord but i guess i am just immature for my age. I am a failure at life and love. Sometimes i really wonder whats the point in fighting what i am? I just really long for human touch right now so much. The only human touch i get is maybe a quick hug hello or goodbye. Nothing more than that and i guess i never will get more.No one to fall asleep with and stay warm with on a cold winter night or to rub my shoulders when i am stressed (like I am now). I just always will be the third wheel hanging around happy couples of family and friends and realizing at the end of the day I have to go home alone.

Seeing how happy my brother and his wife are makes me jealous and i hate feeling that. I am happy for them beyond belief but i guess jealous of their happiness because deep inside feel i never will be allowed to find love. Dont know if that makes sense.

sorry for the depressing post i just had to let it out.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow though. Maybe that will brighten my mood. ok i am gonna try to get some sleep.


Lord have mercy on your lonely child. Please give me some hope and peace. I am trying to trust You Jesus.

Our eyes met across the room

Last night I was visiting with my parents and went out to dinner with them. Well as we were ordering this other guy around my age walked in to the restaurant with his parents and was seated right near us. It was a small restaurant and we where the only people there since it was early. He seemed to be staring at me from the moment they came in and he was eyeing me and looking at me the whole meal. It was actually more than just looking at me he was actively trying to get my attention. I guess he must have figured that not many single straight guys go to dinner with their parents or something? My parents had there back to him so they could not see all of this thankfully. I tried to just ignore him but every time I looked up from my plate he would be looking right into my eyes grinning knowingly at me with his eyes sparkling. At one point I sort of got hypnotized and stared back into his eyes before snapping out of it. As our eyes met he seemed to look right inside of me and I could tell by the look on his face that he knew the truth about my attractions that I always try so hard to hide. I admit I got kind of excited at the thought of this good looking guy apparently being attracted to me and my heart was leaping and skipping inside my chest. This has not happened often in my life that a guy was this obviously attracted to me as I am very careful to not give off any vibes.

After this momentary connection I did not know what to do so basically ignored him the rest of the dinner and just stared at my plate and fork even though I did not want to. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do? I hope I did not offend him. He was probably lonely too. But I really did not know what to do.

As we paid for the meal and I hurriedly left I couldn't help but glance over my shoulder one last time. In the car ride home I wondered what would have happened if I had shown him more interest back? Although deep inside I know its probably good I did not even though I wanted to.

Am I always to be alone? Why cant I have someone to love? I know that God probably uses my loneliness and pain to draw me closer to Him in maybe ways I would not be able to if I was straight but its still hard sometimes. I wonder if God has any kind of plan for me? I will just have to trust Him. If God has not abandoned me yet I guess He never will!

I sometimes think life must be so much easier for people that are "normal". Its probably not true but thats what I imagine. Who knows though maybe I would be a totally different person if I did not struggle with same sex attractions. Maybe someone that God would not be happy with. Could it be this very thorn I struggle with is what makes me realize how weak I am and how much I need Jesus? Is it possible without it I could be far from Him?

A day at the Beach

It was an absolutely beautiful spring day on Saturday. Pretty much perfect weather. I got the chance to go out by the ocean with my brother, his wife, and my parents.

I had a great time overall but this blog is my place to share my inner feelings that I hide and bottle inside so I know this is going to make it sound like I was miserable all day but I was not. I just wanted to make it clear that it was a fun time and these are just passing thoughts I had while I was enjoying the day that did not take away from the fun and good time spent with family that I enjoyed. Ok just wanted to make that clear. Now on to my thoughts.

As I said it was a beautiful Spring day and we all decided to meet by the ocean to enjoy the day. Anyways a little more about me and my family first. My brother is a few years younger than me and got married to a great christian girl about a year ago. I still cant believe he is married. Makes me feel even more inadequate as a man than I do already when I remember my younger brother is married and I am like this. Sometimes I wonder how he turned out "normal" but I am this confused mess. But I am so happy that he is "normal". I thank God often that my brother does not have to go through what I am going through. Also the fact that he is married and happy is great for my parents as of least they dont have to worry about him as much as I think they worry about me.

Anyways got to do lots of walking and thinking and got to enjoy the sun and amazing weather. Since it was so warm there were lots of couples out and about enjoying the day. I saw of least 3 or 4 gay couples. Its strange up until about a month or two ago I never used to notice but now I actually look to try and find them. I don't know why its just interesting to me to see what their life is like. I am not really attracted to females much at all but when walking around Saturday or really anytime whenever I would see a young happy straight couple I would just get this twinge of sadness and feel in my soul that is what I long for to have a wife and a family. It makes sense as that is what God intends for us, but somehow I messed it up, or my sinful nature messed it up, or satan messed it up, or something messed it up. Its kinda hard to start a relationship when I would be more attracted to a woman's ex-boyfriend then her. I guess I am just one hugely confused and messed up person.

At times on Saturday I felt a bit like the third wheel. I had my camera and I found I was taking everyone elses picture but was only in like one of the photos myself and I had to basically ask to be in it. No one ever said "hey lets get a shot of you and your brother" or "everyone squeeze in for this photo" instead I just took all the photos. Looking through the viewfinder as I took photos of my family I saw all the happiness that I will probably never have. The other side of that lens may as well have been 1000 miles away I felt so far from what they have. At times I felt like some sort of hired photographer that was just along to take photos of people I hardly knew or something. I know thats a terrible thing to say but thats what I felt at the time.

I hung out with them for probably 3 hours but did not say to much. Its probably because nothing ever changes for me so there is not much to say. Whats to talk about when I am always single, and dont have much exciting to talk about or many friends. Plus I am really quite and have trouble opening up so that does not help. I am not shy around my parents or brother but I am a little bit around my brothers wife still. She is great though and he is really lucky to have found her! I always have trouble opening up and communicating my feelings no matter who I am around primarily because I am afraid to let people in for fear they will see the real me that I try to hide.

Because of this most of the talking was done between my parents and my brother and sister-in-law. They talked about hoping to have grandchildren soon, about the new house my brother and his wife just bought, white picket fences, 2.5 kids and stuff like that. I guess thats good since I sure wont be providing any grandchildren anytime soon. I mean what do I have to say about any of those topics? Not much. So i just listened in and enjoyed the weather and watched the ocean waves pound the shore. And probably thought to much like I usually do (hence this blog post). :)

I pretty much just walked a few paces behind the four of them as we walked along the trail and felt kinda alone. Occasionally I would chime in on the conversation but I felt like I did not have much to contribute. I wish I was not a coward and could tell them how I sometimes feel: alone, left out, confused. As the day was ending and we got closer to the water the waves crashed relentlessly against the shore drowning out the conversation, the crashing waves reminded me of the confusing feelings and attractions always plaguing my mind and body that seem to drown out anything good inside of me.

I could not help but feel like all I did was drag everyone down and that they would have been happier and had more fun on this trip if I had stayed home.

But then who would take the photos??













Lord Jesus please take a hold of my drowning hand and pull me to safety from the storms raging inside my mind and body to Your perfect love.

Be Still My Soul

Its almost 1:00am and I cant sleep. I just had a very long and emotional time on my knees in prayer. I really was feeling incredibly lonely and like there was just no hope for me. Its alot of things coming together at once and its overwhelming sometimes. Through my tears mixed with prayers I begged God to speak to my heart to let me know He was still there. During my prayer the hymn "Be Still my Soul" suddenly came into my mind. I think its something God wanted me to hear. I really needed it.

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to your God to order and provide;
in every change God faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future, as in ages past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
the Christ who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow for forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Kinda makes for a good lullaby and it really gave me some peace. I think I am gonna load it onto my ipod and try to go to sleep with it playing in the background.