-I am really struggling with porn again of late. I was doing really good for awhile but fell last week and now am struggling to get out of this cycle again. Here is something I wrote to my accountability partner the other day about my recent struggles.:
"The worst part was that I fell twice. Satan really got me good as after I fell I was like oh well thats over with I fell but now its out of my system. So I figured I would be fine the rest of the night. Well then a few hours later around midnight these thoughts came in my mind (probably from Satan or something) that I already fell once today and since I am going to have to confess it tomorrow why not do it again and enjoy it while you can. So then my lust took over again and sadly I gave into that lie and fell again."
Yup Satan is pretty good at lying to us and my sinful nature is pretty good at just believing it at times sadly. Today is a new day though and I am thankful for God's forgiveness and another chance. Could use prayers about this!
-Here is a really good article called "At the Intersection of Religious and Sexual Identities: A Christian Perspective on Homosexuality" by Dr. Mark Yarhouse that I found out about on a friends blog. I just wanted to post about it here too for my own records and because I thought it was a great article and want others to see it! Dr. Yarhouse has done alot of research on this and this article is very in depth. It explains the struggles Christians with SSA have and how its not a choice to have the feelings but it is to act on it. He also discusses so called "change" therapy and how overall its not all that successful although for some it has helped.
Here is part of the conclusion at the end of this very long article:
"By closing this paper on a discussion of singleness, I do not want to suggest that Christians who experience same-sex attraction cannot experience some reduction in it over time, as that has been reported by some who have had that as their goal. Some find that they are able to marry heterosexually. However, the church would do well to expand the vision of the Christian who is navigating sexual identity issues beyond the expectation of complete heterosexuality or the expectation of heterosexual marriage, even if a modest number of believers do experience a more significant shift. Many others will not experience the same degree of shift, and a Christian’s measure of spiritual depth and maturity does not hinge on the eradication of same-sex attraction or an increase in attraction to the opposite sex."
Check out the whole article though as its REALLY long.
-I still have been going to my small group. I am still thinking about maybe sharing my struggle but not sure when the right time would be. I am thinking I probably should get to know them all better but its hard with there being 12 or so people. I have to admit last meeting I did not say to much. I have to really put an effort to say more this week and be more open as that is my new years resolution to be more open and vulnerable with others! If I dont make an effort my natural tendency is to just close up and not say much figuring people don't really care whats on my mind.
-A reader of my blog emailed me a link to the Philip Yancey Talk from the 2011 GCN conference that he recorded! I thought it was a good speech overall and I am glad I got to listen to it. Gave me alot to think about.
Wanted to close with a few verses that I read the other day that have been really speaking to me:
" 8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!"
2 Corinthians 4:8-10, 16-17 (NLT)
Ok thats it for now. Wow this post turned out pretty long after all.
-AJ
AJ, so nice to see your post. :) And thanks for being honest and transparent, for sharing your struggles. You are an encouragement to me, I know. And, GOD LOVES AJ, even though you sinned. There is nothing that you can do to make it so God does not love you. I am happy to see that you recognize that it is a new day; and isn't that the cool thing; that every day is a new day; a fresh start?! Praise God for that.
ReplyDeleteI also love the texts that you quoted. Don't let Satan get you down and certainly don't listen to his lies; for they are all lies!! Here are a couple of texts that came to my mind as I read your post: 1 John 1:9 as well as Romans 5:8, Jeremiah 31:3, Romans 8:37-39.
You are in my prayers, AJ. Keep the faith!!
Aww thanks Allan! :) Really appreciate the prayers too! I am going to check out those verses later today! Thanks again!
ReplyDeleteIt's totally awesome to see you post again!
ReplyDeleteI am going to throw a monkey wrench in, though, and suggest that your porn problem has little, if anything, to do with Satan. James 1:13-15 says, "Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death."
This passage sure sounds like it bubbles up from within us.
But Alan is right...God DOES love you for the reason that Jesus has died for your sins. You will not know the wrath of God because you are claimed by Him, having repented of your sins and trusted Christ.
In terms of discussing things with your small group, perhaps it would be wise to discuss it with your small group leader. It's kind of cruel to broadside any leader with a random announcement to the group as a whole, whether it's "I'm moving away," "I'm getting divorced," or "I'm gay." Not that telling the group isn't a good idea...it can be an awesome idea. Just don't spring it on the leader...because people look to the leader for a reaction. If the leader already knows, then he/she can react calmly, and the rest of the group will be more likely to do so as well. Make sense?
Wow ya great points all around and thanks for sharing those verses! I agree completely that its my own sinful desires that cause me to sin. I was just trying to show in this one instance about that thought that came to my mind when I was just watching tv and how I quickly agreed to go along with it. Either way I should have resisted it and seen it as a lie whether it was from Satan or of my own sinful nature and desires.
ReplyDeleteAnd wow I am so glad you posted about the small group. I seriously appreciate it. I was sort of thinking of telling the leader first but also strongly considering just telling the whole group at once. I never realized or considered these points you made. I am really dense sometimes. Now I think I really do have to tell him first as it would not be right to blindside him and it would be good for him to tell me if he thinks I should share it with the group or not. Wow seriously thank you. Still not sure when I will do it but it is kind of a relief knowing I wont have to tell everyone to start and just tell the leader. Maybe some day after the group meeting I will tell him I want to talk if he is free or something like that.
Thanks man!! :)
I just read another bloggers post who talked about the same issue as you have talked about here. I agree with gayandevangelical that it is often true that we are lured and enticed by our own desire. Since we have watched porn before the desire to watch it again is even stronger. I find that there are triggers of so many kinds that come our way and if we are not aware of their pull we fall, and Satan sure feeds our thoughts at the same time.
ReplyDeleteThere is more to this than I can fully comprehend yet but I feel that the issue of shame really has a huge affect in our lives when it comes to anything that is of a sinful sexual nature. It feeds a negative self image where I know it makes us more vulnerable to giving in rather than fighting. I know each time I have watched porn, etc. the desire to read God's word is lessened, I feel distant from Him and other things crowd in on my day and distract from praying as I should.
AJ, I sure will pray for you and covet your prayers as well. Thank you for talking about all this here. Let's stand together, we definitely need each other to pray and encourage one another. God bless.
Thanks for your thoughts on this Stan! Ya shame has played a big part in my life over the years. Its tough to get out of the mindset sometimes. Thankfully my shame is alot less since finding other Christians on the same journey and realizing I am just a sinner like everyone else and not in another class. But at times its still there for sure!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the prayers and am praying for you as well!
Hello, I am Vernon
ReplyDeleteHey I just found this blog and was wondering if there was a place that I could find guys who are walking this same pathway of being a Christian with SSA. I am a brand new Christian and I don't have many Christian friends and definitely no one like myself. I am a Christian first that just happens to have SSA. Thanks
Hey Vernon glad you found my blog! Here are a couple of resources for you. First Check out this blogring: http://www.xanga.com/groups/group.aspx?id=1348824 Lots of other Christians with SSA post there who can relate to our struggle with SSA. Also Living Hope has an online forum you can sign up for: https://livehope.org/online
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