Wandering Thoughts of a Broken Man

Normal?

2011-09-12T10:55:00.006-04:00

Its been awhile! I am still alive! :) My summer went really well! Things continue to improve in the social department although slowly at times but still I am thankful. I am definitely getting much closer to a few people which is great. I still have alot I want to improve but things are getting better slowly and I am very thankful for that!

I had a rather silly little thing happen in the last week that suddenly made me think on all I missed by having SSA growing up. I was at a BBQ recently and one of the people there was talking about his teenage son and all the girls he was starting to be interested in and suddenly adding as friends on his Facebook. Everyone there was like "oh looks like he is a "normal" teenage boy and he is starting to notice girls". They made several jokes and laughed about his new found interest in girls. Several people joked saying "oh we all know what that was like growing up" I just laughed along pretending that was my experience growing up as well. I was not really upset by this or anything it just made me think how unlike my own life was compared to everyone else at the barbecue. I just felt sort of like an outsider pretending I too had those feelings growing up and understood perfectly what they were all laughing and smiling about as they reminisced about their own teenage years and when they first started noticing the opposite sex. Several people shared about their dating adventures with the opposite sex growing up and I really did not have much to add and just sort of smiled and nodded and pretended I understood what a "normal" teenage experience was.

Was just interesting thats all. Sometimes its hard to relate when you feel so different and your teenage years where so unlike what most people would call "normal". But I still had alot of fun and I was glad I was invited to the cookout! It was just a momentary thing where I suddenly felt different but it soon passed and I had a good time again. I said a quick prayer just telling God about my hurts growing up and how I felt different and then let it pass. Unlike the past where I would have dwelt on my differences the whole time I let it pass and was able to have fun again! :)

Out of a Far Country Review

2011-06-13T13:01:00.009-04:00

I just finished reading "Out of a Far Country: A Gay Son's Journey to God. A Broken Mother's Search for Hope" by Christopher Yuan and his mother Angela. It is a very powerful modern day prodigal son story! It would be a great book for anyone to read IMO not just those struggling with homosexuality that really shows God's love, grace, and mercy.

I don't directly relate with all of Chris' story since I was a Christian from a young age. But I still related to alot of his story and it was amazing to see this journey that he was on and how God used his struggles with drugs and homosexuality to bring both him and his mother to the point where they realized their only hope was Jesus!

I was really moved by this story and was cheering Christopher and his mother on as I read it! The writing style was very unique one chapter would be from Christopher's perspective and the next from his mother Angela's and we got to often see both perspectives of the same events. I really felt like I got to know both him and his mother as I read their stories.

Angela's unending faithfulness in prayer and love for her son was pretty amazing. It made me really question my own prayer life and inspires me to try and do a better job spending time with the Lord in prayer. Time and time again Christopher pushed her away but she just kept on praying and reaching out to him because of her love for him and her wanting him to find Jesus's love as she had.

Through the whole book what Christopher was searching for was love and acceptance. "But when I stepped into the gay community I was exposed to a world of outcasts who had come together and become family. They stood up for one another, supported one another. They laughed with me, cried with me, and accepted me for who I was-gay" Its really what we all are searching for I think, love and acceptance. If only the church would do a better job of providing this support and love for the SSA struggler. I think things are slowly improving but there is a long way to go.

This book to me was really a love story of Gods love for Christopher and showed how God is willing to chase us to the ends of the earth if he has to in order for us to realize His love for us. No matter where he ran, God kept chasing him whether to bath houses, gay clubs, drug dens, or prison. Really brought me to tears several times reading it and seeing how God would not give up. Through the whole book you could just see how God was there for Christopher even on his darkest days in a lonely prison cell. I loved the story how another prisoner in the past had written "If your bored, read Jeremiah 29:11" on the roof of the metal bunk of his prison bed.
Here is that verse:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

After reading that verse he wrote in the book that "...the world would be happy for me to be locked away for good. And yet God was saying something completely different. He wanted to be a part of my life-no matter who I was or what I had done. He didn't see me as a criminal. He didn't see me as a felon. He didn't see me as a number. But rather, he saw me-and he saw hope." Christopher had finally found the acceptance he had always been searching for! Not from man but from his creator! Gods love is so amazing!!

I also found it amazing that God uses Christopher's struggle with homosexuality to in effect save his mother too. From reading this book I think it is doubtful that she would have humbled herself and sought after God if not for this struggle in Christopher's life that shattered her "perfect" world and dreams for her son. She likely would have continued to try and keep up appearances that everything in her life was just fine rather then admit she was a sinner in need of a savior. One of my favorite lines in the book was when she wrote "I no longer had to be perfect. My Father in heaven loved me anyway. It was all I could do to keep from shouting, "I'm a sinner!, I'm a sinner!, I'm a sinner!" Love that so much!! Its pretty amazing how God uses our very struggles and weaknesses to draw us to him. We can never know His full plan and why he allows us to struggle with certain things. Really makes me think about my own struggles with SSA. Who knows where I would be without them? God has a plan for me and will continue to use my struggles to draw me to him and be a testimony of His love for even me with my sins and all and His love for all sinners.

One of my favorite chapters was the one titled "Holy Sexuality". Its a great chapter for those like me who struggle with same sex attractions. It talked about how the goal is not heterosexuality but instead holy sexuality. Like Christopher for a very long time in my life I thought God saw me as an abomination and that in order for him to be pleased with me I had to change my attractions somehow and become straight. I am finally learning over the past year that is not true at all. All God wants is for me to trust him and do my best to obey. Like Christopher said in the book "God never said, "Be heterosexual for I am heterosexual." He said, "Be Holy for I am holy." I also loved his view that marriage could one day be possible since we don't have to be attracted to ALL women which is very overwhelming for the SSA individual but just to one. I too could see that happening one day possibly for me and it gives me hope. If it never happens I am sure God will provide for me in my single life to even if at times there are struggles of loneliness. After all as this quote so perfectly says "Change is not the absence of struggles change is the freedom to choose holiness in the midst of our struggles."

Anyways this is by far one of the best books I have read on homosexuality and Gods love for the SSA struggler, you should consider reading it! It goes so far beyond just that one issue though. This book gives hope to all sinners and prodigals no matter what they struggle with that God loves them and wants nothing more then for them to surrender and admit they need him. He is ready to accept us with open arms even with all the dirt and filth and sins and everything that we struggle with just like the prodigal sons father did in the Bible when he finally came home.

Okay

2011-06-08T16:31:00.003-04:00

Love this song by Lisa Gungor.

Maybe someday things really will finally be okay?

maybe

Wandering Thoughts for May 30th, 2011

2011-05-30T17:03:00.012-04:00

1. Hey everyone! Long time no blog! Hope everyone from the US is having a Happy Memorial Day! Just wanted to post because its been so long. Things are pretty good here overall I suppose. Still going to my small group every week etc.... Its still been good and I am getting alot out of the meetings and the sharing we do. It is nice to feel accepted yet still I have trouble getting closer as I wish for. I have not really talked about any issues regarding SSA and myself much since the day I shared. I still find it incredibly hard to talk about and get emotional when I do. I guess I have alot of wounds still to deal with. But its good as they have not brought it up much really. I know they accept me where I am and love me which is cool so maybe there is nothing else to be said about my struggles with SSA for the time being? I appreciate all the advice many of you gave me in my last post. It was and is very helpful to me. I have to realize I may never be able to connect with others completely how I hope to but I am going to keep trying of least. I do know that I am showing more of my real self very slowly when I go to the small group so that is good. Of least I am making progress although its slow for me. Even with my struggles in the open with my small group I often feel I am not important enough for others to care about or that I am a bother or something and that if I share how I am really feeling at times when I am down or feeling lonely they will be annoyed or think I am to much trouble. Have to work on that as I know its probably not true and likely it is from years of low self esteem and shame.

2. I just got the book "Out of a Far Country: A Gay Son's Journey to God. A Broken Mother's Search for Hope" by Christopher Yuan and his mother Angela Yuan. I plan to write a review for it here when I am done reading it so check back for that! Looking forward to reading it!

3. I really love this video that I saw posted over on Dave's blog http://gayandevangelical.wordpress.com Its titled "The Church is Your Family: Reflections for Singles & Those Struggling with Homosexuality." It is a talk given by professor Matt Jenson at Biola University. Its all about how the church has to be family for those who are single or struggling with homosexuality and not act like singleness is a disease or something that should be looked down on. Really good stuff you should watch it! Its something the church really has to work on I think just providing a family like atmosphere for those who don't have families of their own because of their brokenness or for other reasons. That means more then just meeting Sunday mornings!! Check out the video below:

OK that's it for now. Just wanted to post a few small updates so you know I am still alive. :)

-AJ

Shattered Walls

2011-04-15T11:17:00.002-04:00

Sorry for not posting about my big night of sharing sooner. Ok here it goes.

Ok so that night I was sort of hoping my small group leader had forgotten that I had asked to share that night lol. But he emailed me a few hours before the meeting to ask if I still wanted to share so I was like oh man this is it I am really sharing. I was now in panic mode a bit and was like wow this is really happening. I then just spent a few quite moments with God telling him I am going to obey and do this even though it is very scary and that I trust Him that its for my good.

So I get to my small group and I am a nervous wreck. I just say hi to everyone and try to act normal. We sang a worship song after everyone was settled and I could not really even focus on it. Not sure what song it was. Then the leader asked if so and so wanted to share. I thought it was going to be me but no someone else wanted to share something too. So while she shared I was hoping that the time would run out or something and I would not have time to share lol. It was a cool story but I could not focus to much on it as I was to nervous about me sharing very shortly.

After she was done sharing the leader was like "AJ did you want to share something?" Gulp here it is! I replied softly yea and got written notes out of my pocket that I had written to read to the group since I knew I would never be able to be coherent and explain everything right without writing it down. Everyone seemed excited I was sharing as I am a pretty quiet guy and they have been interested in knowing more about me.

I got pretty emotional right away. Before I even started sharing. I told them how hard it was for me to share this but that I felt God wanted me too. And that I have never told anyone else about this struggle I have. So the first 2 paragraphs were about my history and about this being really hard for me to talk about and something that I have never shared and has filled me with shame. So I got through those and then got to childhood stuff and how I have always been sensitive and shy and had not many male friends and could not connect with guys and have had a lonely childhood.

Then I got to paragraph 3. This was the big one where SSA was mentioned and me having to say the words that I have kept hidden from everyone my entire life. I broke down again and they passed me the tissues :).

I recovered and said the words that I have dreaded saying my whole life it seems. I was like "I struggle with SSA and have since I was 12 or 13. I quickly glanced up to see if anyone had a horrified expression or whatever. But all I saw was love, care, and concern on their faces. So I continued and read the whole story. I told about all the pain and confusion I had growing up. The overwhelming shame and guilt. The wondering if God could love me or if I could even be a Christian and struggle with this. The loneliness. Everything. I threw it all out there. Of course I got emotional many other times while reading it.

And then the last page or so was about the ways God is working in my life and I told them all about that too!! And how I know God never abandoned me and how he gave me courage to share tonight and the truth I am learning about how much he loves me and how he choose me even knowing I would struggle with this. I mentioned getting support online from fellow SSA strugglers and how God used them to help me realize I am not a unique sinner beyond His love but just a sinner like everyone.

I then ended it saying I am sharing this because I want to be real for the first time in my life and hope to gain freedom by sharing. And that I would love to be able to count on them for support and prayers when I am feeling down. That I want to let them in and learn to love them better as Christ loves us and that I want to accept their love and not hide my struggles anymore.

Anyways to say there was a good reaction to my story would be an understatement! After I was done reading everyone just was sort of sitting in stunned silence for a few seconds. I saw several people where crying themselves at my story. Anyways then they all came over to me and hugged me one by one. Even the guys. I was afraid they would not do that once they knew but they hugged me longer then before they knew!! And it was so amazing and it was like God was hugging me when they all showed me Christ’s love like that.

Needless to say the rest of the meeting was about me. So we all talked and they asked me questions and they told me they love me and it has no effect on how they feel about me. One person even cried and apologized to me for the way the church treats people with this struggle and how its not right. I was like wow its not your fault but I appreciated her doing that and caring so much!

And one of the guys was like I love you even more now that you were so vulnerable and shared your story. That was a pretty crazy thing to hear. I am sure I teared up yet again lol. In my story I had mentioned I had pretty much accepted that I wont be healed of this the way I hoped and the leader after told me not to give up hope and just getting this in the open is a huge thing and God rewards those who take risks. He agreed with me though that its likely I will of least struggle with temptations for it even if I do someday experience some healing much like an alcoholic still struggles with being tempted to alcohol.

They all said how brave I was to share this and how inspiring it was to see someone be so vulnerable and honest. The leader said this is what Christian community is all about and that I was an amazing example to others in the group about being real and honest and vulnerable. Was so funny to hear him say that since my whole life I have been the opposite of real. And now suddenly I was an example to others on how to be real! Wow how one night can change everything.

After all that they then all prayed for me and laid hands on me and just spoke Gods love to me and how I am not a mistake. It was very healing and amazing!

Later that night afterwards several of the people from my group texted me later and thanked me again for being so vulnerable and real and said how proud they were of me and how my story actually encouraged them! And how it showed them that maybe they have to be more honest with the group about their own struggles. It challenged them to be more vulnerable and real. I was like wow who knew my own story could affect others who have totally different struggles? I guess thats why God asks us to share and be real so we can encourage one another on our journeys. Glad I finally obeyed God and did what He wanted. It was the scariest night of my life but also among the best too as I felt Gods love for me through his people.

I admit that several times since sharing I have felt rather weird or exposed you could say knowing that a rather large group of people know about me now. But I think that’s just Satan trying to make me feel shame again so I have been shaking it off. I know God is proud of me for sharing and it was the right thing to do! I am finally free with this group of people which feels amazing. No need to hide anymore they know all about me now and still love me not the same but MORE!! Satan had me convinced for so long they would judge and reject me. The truth was the opposite happened. He really is a master liar and deceiver. Thankful God broke through my shame and allowed me to see the truth!! And also amazed that my own story challenged and encouraged others who have totally different struggles.

So ya I dont know whats next but hopefully I become closer with them through this and learn to be honest when I am feeling down and get rid of the "everything is fine" mentality that I had for so long and just learn to be real. Its still a process as already at church when I saw them and they asked how I was I immediately went back to "Im fine" but I did manage to catch myself and said more after that. It does feel weird to be known struggles and all and I felt rather weird at church when I saw them wondering what they think about me. But those feelings passed quickly and so far its been great to be real. Will keep you all updated on things!

Looking Back Moving Forward

2011-03-29T10:53:00.003-04:00

Wow guys I just realized a couple of days ago was the one year anniversary of my blog. The last year has been so incredible. I have had more growth this year then in many of the years before it combined. A year ago I was a lonely, confused, and hurting person filled with so much shame I could barely stand never mind move forward with my life. God found me at my weakest point and broke through my intense shame and low self worth to begin to show me His true love for me. He used many of you guys to help me more than you will ever know. Without your support, encouragement, prayers and advice I would still be in that place. I really do love you guys and thank you for responding to a hurting stranger with Christ's love.

I have poured out my soul on this blog and often the posts have been incredibly raw. Sometimes I want to go back and delete them after the fact but then decided to leave them up in case some day another hurting person finds them and they are a help in some way like others blogs have helped me so much.

In the last year I have grown so much. My confidence has grown. I actually go to social events and manage to enjoy them even though I am still quiet but even going is something I never used to do. I shared with a couple of family members about my struggles with SSA after much help and encouragement from several of you who kept pushing me and encouraging me and gave me tons of advice. My relationship with these family members is so much better now that I have shared this and we are more open and honest then ever before and it is so much deeper!

Then I joined a small group at church which is another thing that has always filled me with fear since I always assumed I would have to wear a mask and not share my real struggle. Still I went (after much encouragement from you all) and it has been so amazing for me. To see that these other Christians have very real struggles that they have to deal with has been such a help to me. They have hurts and pains just like me. It may be a different struggle but me having this does not make me worst then them. We all have something to deal with. Seeing them be so vulnerable and real has given me courage!

And moving forward there is another very HUGE thing happening in the near future. I am sharing with my small group about my struggles. The date is already set and I told the leader I want to share my whole story to the group so there is no backing out! I will be sharing next week and this is a pretty scary thing but something I know God wants for me. He has been with me every step of the way on this journey and He won't abandon me now. I know that I will get some freedom after sharing and can finally let them in to see the real me that I always have hidden both the good, and the hurt and pain, everything. Basically I will finally be showing my humanness and weakness and need for a savior and not be pretending I have no problems and "everything is fine". Its great to finally be joining the human race lol. :) Also me being vulnerable with this group will help me to get closer to them as well and show them I trust them. I am hoping it also gives others in the group courage to share struggles that they have and have been ashamed to share.

I will be sharing both my pain growing up with this struggle, my hurts, rejections, feelings of being "less than" other guys and wondering if God could even love me because of this. And also the incredible ways God is working in my life now and how he led me to a group of strangers with the same struggles who showed me the truth of Gods love and how he has used them to encourage and change me. I also will share about my renewed love and thankfulness to Him for how he rescued me from my prison of shame and lies that Satan had been convincing me where the truth about myself. I am going to share how I learned I am worth something to God and loved by Him how I am now. And that I know he won't abandon me on this journey as I move forward even though it will be hard and lonely at times.

Anyways a year ago I never would have dreamed I would be doing this. I never would have even considered going to a small group never minding sharing my biggest secret that has filled me with shame for most of my life! That just shows the power of Gods love and how he can change a scared and shame filled person into a brave person as for me this is a pretty brave thing to do! I know God is giving me the courage to do this as on my own I never would be able to.

Anyways the last year has been the most painful and also the best year of my life because it was the year God finally got through to me and showed me my worth as his Child. I am tearing up as I write this thinking about all I went through this year and how much courage it took and how out of character it was for me. God truly was with me all the way and gave me the courage to do it. Thank you so much those who have commented, emailed, chatted, messaged, talked, and become friends with me for the encouragement and support you have given me. I can never repay you for it.

Praying this year is even more amazing and filled with more growth for both me and you all too! A huge step will be happening next week for me so I have a feeling everything is going to be different pretty quick! I am going to get messy and show people the real me the hurts and pains and the good stuff too. :) I of course would appreciate prayers that it goes well when I share with my group.

Love you guys,

-AJ

Pray the Gay Away?

2011-03-11T09:25:00.001-05:00

Earlier in the week the documentary "Pray the Gay away?" hosted by Lisa Ling aired on Oprah's network OWN. Its worth watching and gives all sides to the debate on whether its possible to be Christian and gay. I feel overall it was pretty fair in its handling of exodus and those who choose not to act on their attractions. I was afraid it would be edited in a negative light and look down on those who choose not to embrace the gay lifestyle despite their attractions. Worth watching if for no other reason then to see what its like when one struggles with this and the way it makes you question your faith at times and look for answers.

The episode is now online at Oprah.com! Here is the link to watch the full episode: Pray the Gay Away? Full Episode

Also after this episode aired they had a special with host Gayle King where she interviewed Lisa Ling and got updates from many of the people that appeared in her documentary "Pray the Gay Away?"

Here is the link to watch the special that featured discussions on the documentary "Pray the Gay Away?" and updates from people who were interviewed in it: Pray the Gay Away? The Conversation Continues...

Wandering Thoughts for March 3rd

2011-03-03T15:44:00.009-05:00

Some random thoughts and links for you all!

-First a surprising editorial on the front page of CNN today titled "My Take: The Bible really does condemn homosexuality". Not something I expected to see on the front page of CNN. It is in response to this article that was posted on CNN.com last week: "My Take: The Bible’s surprisingly mixed messages on sexuality"

-There is going to be an interesting episode of "Our America With Lisa Ling" on the Oprah Network OWN airing next week. The title of the episode is "Pray the Gay Away?" Here is the episode Synopsis: "Can prayer make you straight?" Host Lisa Ling explores that notion as she observes some 1100 participants at a Freedom Conference sponsored by the evangelical organization Exodus International, which offers advice on combating same-sex attractions. "I have chosen to live my life through the filter of my faith," says Exodus president Alan Chambers, "not through the filter of my sexuality."

The episode airs Tuesday March 8th at 10pm on OWN. Not sure if I get that channel but if not I hope I can watch it online after. I hope that this documentary is edited and presented in a fair and respectful way for those who chose to share their stories at last years Exodus conference.

-Here are a couple of blog posts I want to recommend! :)

1.First this post titled Drowning, Comatose, & Heart Surgery (part 3) is really great and discusses what hiding our struggle and being in a sort of loveless numb state is like perfectly. I so related with his description and am looking forward to more freedom as I share my story with others hopefully soon. Looking forward to reading part 4! :)

2.Love the song "God is not a white man" by Gungor so wanted to link to gaypks blog since he posted the video to it recently! :) Check the song out there if you have not seen the video! Its cool! Here is the link: http://calledtobegay.wordpress.com/2011/02/17/god-loves-lesbians/

3.Am glad to see Jay posting again!! :) http://thenextadventures.blogspot.com/ His blog was one of the first blogs I found that was about SSA so always great to hear his thoughts.

4.This is a new blog I just started reading in the last couple of weeks. The author is currently sharing his testimony and struggles with SSA in a very honest way. His love for God through all his struggles is so evident and so inspiring! Check it out! http://intheaftermath.xanga.com/

-And finally an update about me lol. I still have not shared with my small group about my struggles with SSA. I am determined to though just have not found the right opportunity yet. The group is great for me though and I feel I am starting to get a bit closer to them which is great news! Please keep praying for me that I will find the right time to share and have courage to do so if you could!

Ok thats it for now. See you next time!

-AJ

Blessings

2011-02-24T16:00:00.001-05:00

"God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." (James 1:12)

I found it interesting how this verse says God will bless those who endure testing and temptations. Just trying to endure and get through each day is sure something those of us who struggle with SSA do alot of but at times we still dont feel blessed. I think that part of the blessing may be in ways we dont expect. Like maybe us realizing how weak and sinful we are as humans every day and that without God who knows where we would be. To wake up every morning and be re-reminded how much we need Jesus is pretty cool even though we are reminded of it by our own sins and desires.

God is very good to us and will provide other blessings on top of that but its just something that came to mind as I read this verse. And of course the greatest blessing comes "Afterward" like it says in this verse when we receive the crown of life. Even if we receive no more blessings in life than that it will be worth it to endure whatever trial you face. But there will be other blessings cuz thats the way God is! :) For one we dont have to endure it alone any longer like many of us have for so long! We have each other to lean on for prayers and support! See another blessing already! :)

Your Pain versus The Pain

2011-02-18T10:45:00.005-05:00

Wow still reading Henri Nouwen's book "The Inner Voice of Love" every so often. I just read an amazing chapter on pain that put things into perspective for me. Sure I struggle with the pain of this struggle with SSA and the loneliness it brings at times but that pain is just a part of the human condition we all share. I may wish often I did not struggle with this but if I did not struggle with SSA it would be something else. We can not avoid the pain as its part of our fallen human condition. Here is an excerpt of this chapter that I typed out for you all to read because I really got alot out of it! :)

"You will deceive yourself into believing that if the people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist. This might be partly true, but the deeper truth is that the situation which brought about your pain was simply the form in which you came in touch with the human condition of suffering. Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity. Paradoxically, therefore, healing means moving from your pain to the pain. When you keep focusing on the specific circumstances of your pain, you easily become angry, resentful, and even vindictive....But real healing comes from realizing that your own particular pain is a share in humanity's pain...Jesus' suffering, concrete as it was, was the suffering of all humanity. His pain was the pain.

Every time you can shift your attention away from the external situation that caused your pain and focus on the pain of humanity in which you participate, your suffering becomes easier to bear. It becomes a "light burden" and an "easy yoke" (Mat 11:30) Once you discover that you are called to live in solidarity with the hungry, the homeless, the prisoners, the refugees, the sick, the dying, your very personal pain begins to be converted into the pain and you will find new strength to live it. Herein lies the hope of all Christians."

-Henri Nouwen, ("The Inner Voice of Love" Pages 103-104)

You are More

2011-01-29T08:47:00.004-05:00

I really like the message of this song so wanted to share it! Really great video too. Love how it shows many of the struggles that we face as christians on the blackboard and how it slowly is washed clean because we are remade! By the end of the video the blackboard is washed completely clean because that is how God sees us as pure and holy because of his Sons sacrifice for us! This song goes great with Colossians 1:21-22.

"This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. 22 Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault."

You are More
By: Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says how did I get here
I'm not who I once was
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love

But don't you know who you are
What has been done for you
Yeah don't you know who you are
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's to weak to try

But don't you know who you are
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

Cause this is not about what you've done
But what’s been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you new

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

Wandering Thoughts for January 17, 2011

2011-01-17T11:11:00.008-05:00

Just some updates about my life and some other things and thoughts I want to share!

-I am really struggling with porn again of late. I was doing really good for awhile but fell last week and now am struggling to get out of this cycle again. Here is something I wrote to my accountability partner the other day about my recent struggles.:

"The worst part was that I fell twice. Satan really got me good as after I fell I was like oh well thats over with I fell but now its out of my system. So I figured I would be fine the rest of the night. Well then a few hours later around midnight these thoughts came in my mind (probably from Satan or something) that I already fell once today and since I am going to have to confess it tomorrow why not do it again and enjoy it while you can. So then my lust took over again and sadly I gave into that lie and fell again."

Yup Satan is pretty good at lying to us and my sinful nature is pretty good at just believing it at times sadly. Today is a new day though and I am thankful for God's forgiveness and another chance. Could use prayers about this!

-Here is a really good article called "At the Intersection of Religious and Sexual Identities: A Christian Perspective on Homosexuality" by Dr. Mark Yarhouse that I found out about on a friends blog. I just wanted to post about it here too for my own records and because I thought it was a great article and want others to see it! Dr. Yarhouse has done alot of research on this and this article is very in depth. It explains the struggles Christians with SSA have and how its not a choice to have the feelings but it is to act on it. He also discusses so called "change" therapy and how overall its not all that successful although for some it has helped.

Here is part of the conclusion at the end of this very long article:

"By closing this paper on a discussion of singleness, I do not want to suggest that Christians who experience same-sex attraction cannot experience some reduction in it over time, as that has been reported by some who have had that as their goal. Some find that they are able to marry heterosexually. However, the church would do well to expand the vision of the Christian who is navigating sexual identity issues beyond the expectation of complete heterosexuality or the expectation of heterosexual marriage, even if a modest number of believers do experience a more significant shift. Many others will not experience the same degree of shift, and a Christian’s measure of spiritual depth and maturity does not hinge on the eradication of same-sex attraction or an increase in attraction to the opposite sex."

Check out the whole article though as its REALLY long.

-I still have been going to my small group. I am still thinking about maybe sharing my struggle but not sure when the right time would be. I am thinking I probably should get to know them all better but its hard with there being 12 or so people. I have to admit last meeting I did not say to much. I have to really put an effort to say more this week and be more open as that is my new years resolution to be more open and vulnerable with others! If I dont make an effort my natural tendency is to just close up and not say much figuring people don't really care whats on my mind.

-A reader of my blog emailed me a link to the Philip Yancey Talk from the 2011 GCN conference that he recorded! I thought it was a good speech overall and I am glad I got to listen to it. Gave me alot to think about.

Wanted to close with a few verses that I read the other day that have been really speaking to me:

" 8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!"

2 Corinthians 4:8-10, 16-17 (NLT)

Ok thats it for now. Wow this post turned out pretty long after all.

-AJ

The real problem of the Christian life...

2011-01-08T22:52:00.000-05:00

Read this today and it is so true so wanted to share!

"The real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussing and frettings; coming in out of the wind."

C.S. Lewis

Philip Yancey's views on the issue of Homosexuality

2011-01-04T10:04:00.013-05:00

I recently read on a friends blog that Philip Yancey will be the keynote speaker at this years Gay Christian conference. There is alot of controversy about this since some say he is endorsing the homosexual lifestyle by speaking there and others say he is to conservative to be speaking there.

He has mentioned the topic in a few of the books I have read (see this past blog post of mine for one such reference from his book Disappointment with God) But I wanted to find out more about his beliefs rather then a few sentences here or there.

He is one of my favorite Christian writers so I decided to search to see if I could find more about what his beliefs are about the issue of Homosexuality. Well I searched and was very lucky and happy to see he has a whole page on his website talking about his beliefs on this issue where he answers several questions on his thoughts about homosexuality and the christian that people have sent him.

I think overall he has a very balanced view. He is careful not to outright say what he thinks about christians in homosexual relationships since he says he has found once its out there people wont listen to you who dont agree with you on either side.

"It would be more accurate to say that I intentionally don’t take sides on this issue. I’ve observed that as soon as a person does take sides, communication ends. I hear from gay Christians who are very disappointed that I don’t condone their point of view, and I hear from traditional Christians who are very disappointed that I don’t condemn homosexual behavior. As long as I get angry letters from both sides, I feel better.

Do I agree with gay Christians’ interpretations of the six passages in the Bible that may or may not relate to their behavior? No. They may be right, but so far I’m unconvinced. I also disapprove of sexual promiscuity, whether of the hetero- or homo- variety.

Nevertheless, I start with what I’m sure of: my attitude toward homosexuals. It seems to me that’s the clearest message we have. And the atmosphere of judgment and condemnation is so strong that I feel no need to represent a balanced viewpoint myself. So I don’t take an official position. I simply try to love the gay individuals I know, and bring a little grace and mercy to a church that puts this particular sin—if indeed it is that—in a special category. I’d rather maintain contact with “gay Christians,” who are so isolated, and also conservative Christians, who often have little understanding of the issue."

Also he says while he has been to gay churches and found really committed christians at some of them he does not think its a good idea to build a church around this one issue and be isolated from the rest of the body of Christ.

I really liked this quote

"On an issue like this, I try to start with what I’m absolutely sure of, and work outwards. I’m sure of what my own attitude should be toward gays and lesbians: I should show love and grace. As one person told me, “Christians get very angry toward other Christians who sin differently than they do.” When people ask me how I can possibly stay friends with a sinner like Mel, I respond by asking how Mel can possibly stay friends with a sinner like me. After all, Jesus had much to say about greed, hypocrisy, pride and lust—sins I struggle with—but did not mention homosexuality. Even if I conclude that all homosexual behavior is wrong, as many conservative Christians do, I’m still compelled to respond with love.

Do I believe that gay people can be committed Christians? Absolutely. I know far too many of them to doubt that. I also believe that alcoholics and prideful hypocrites can be committed Christians. In short, sinners can, and I’ve stepped back from ranking other people’s sins. It may be helpful for us to think through our relationships with divorced people. Do I feel awkward? Do I avoid talking about their current partner, or former life? Or I think of my greedy friends, or gluttonous friends. How do I handle their weaknesses?"

Here is the link to the page talking about the issue of homosexuality on his web site: http://www.philipyancey.com/q-and-a-topics/homosexuality He has alot of interesting things to say about this subject so check it out!

I am interested in hearing what his speech will be like at the Gay Christian conference later this week. Hopefully they will post a transcript or a video of it somewhere.

What do you think? Do you agree with his beliefs on this subject? Do you think its a good idea for him to speak at this conference?

Merry Christmas

2010-12-23T19:12:00.007-05:00

Since there are only two days until Christmas I just wanted to do a quick blog post to wish you all a Merry Christmas! Hope you all get to spend some time with family and friends this Christmas. Don't forget that even though our burden may seem heavy at times and our struggle seems never ending that God loves us so much that he saw fit to send his son to this crazy, cruel, sinful world to be the savior of us all. He came for you and for me and He loves us more then we can ever imagine.

I want to thank you guys again for caring and taking the time to read my thoughts here and praying for me and giving me advice. God really used you guys to help me change so many things in my life. I am really looking forward to seeing what 2011 has in store for me and you all as well. I still have a loooong way to go in many areas but I am thankful for the progress I have made and for God never abandoning me along the way.

A Christmas song for you all!

Love you all and hope you have a great Christmas!

-AJ

Dare to Love

2010-12-15T17:06:00.001-05:00

Hey all its been awhile again! Just want to post an update if you care to read. First of all I have good news. I did indeed start going to a small group at my church! Last night was my second small group meeting. It has been really amazing. I have never really been in a small group since I was always afraid they would find out about my SSA. Anyways they really share ALOT in this group and are incredibly vulnerable to one another. Its really good for me to hear that other Christians have struggles too. Not that I did not already know that but seeing it and hearing the struggles first hand is just something I needed I guess. They have struggles but still love eachother and pray for one another and support one another. I already know and feel that at some point I will share my struggle with SSA with them. Probably not for awhile but I think I will someday. Its funny last nights meeting the topic was sharing your "impossible" prayer request. So we talked about that for awhile then went around the room and shared our impossible request. Some shared about unsaved loved ones, or family with cancer etc... Others shared personal things they struggle with. Anyways as they were going around the room I was terrified and like no way am I ready to share my "impossible" request. But I did come up with another thing that has always seemed impossible too. I asked them to pray that I feel safe to share about struggles and that I can open up more with them. I explained how I have many walls around myself and I really want to be more open with people in my life. Anyways they then of course pressed me further and we talked for a little while. They asked if it would be easier for me since I am quiet if they made it a point to ask me how I am doing in the group meetings and I said sure that would be great.

I am really happy and thankful to God that he gave me the courage to join this small group. I am finally learning what real Christian fellowship is and its a pretty amazing thing. They share their burdens and struggles with eachother and support eachother just like it says to do in the Bible. I am looking forward to the meetings every week now and I think 2011 could be an amazing year for me where I will finally let people in to see the real me. By real me I am not talking about SSA I just mean me in general. Like I said I may not share the SSA stuff for a long time but I mean I hope to let them see the real me that I show on this blog who I have always been hiding because of fear and shame.

Its been an amazing experience so far and its only been a couple of weeks. Thanks for all your prayers as you all really gave me the strength, encouragement, and self-esteem to do this. Can't wait to see what God has in store for me next! :)

I want to end this post with a quote from "The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom" by Henri Nouwen. This book has had a real impact on me. Its such a short book but so deep I have been reading and re-reading parts of it very very slow.I dont think its a coincidence that I read this part of the book for the first time just as I was joining the small group! Here it is:

"Friendship has been a source of great pain for you. You desired it so much that you often lost yourself in the search for a true friend. Many times you became desperate when a friendship you hoped for didn't materialize, or when a friendship begun with great expectations did not last....But now you must seek friends to whom you can relate from your center, from the place where you know you are deeply loved. Friendship becomes more and more possible when you accept yourself as deeply loved. Then you can be with others in a non-possessive way....Dare to love and to be a real friend. The love you give and receive is a reality that will lead you closer and closer to God as well as to those who God has given you to love."(pages 80-81)

Anyways this chapter really encouraged me to take a step out and trust God and dare to reach out and love and be vulnerable with others. But even more it made me realize I have to love myself first. After all if God loves me even though I sin and fail so often then surely I can love myself too and realize I am worth having as a friend. God is slowly helping me to do just that! I think I have taken a good first step in this journey to be more real with others and I pray God gives me the courage to continue to do so more and more!

Update Time

2010-11-29T00:08:00.001-05:00

Well I promised an update so here is one! :) I realize I have not been blogging as much. Its because alot has been going in in my life. Basically after this post a couple of months ago (Hope?) I decided to really try to change my perceptions and the way I look at things and look at myself. This was thanks in large part to the encouragement and advice you guys gave me which I am very thankful for. So I have been trying my best to reach out and be myself for a change around other Christians. Almost every weekend I have been doing stuff whether game nights, bowling, dinners, or Halloween parties. This has all been in an effort to try and get to know some people better and hopefully let them know me. I admit I still am a very shy guy and after years of hiding so no one could know the "real" me it is only natural that this will take some time for me to get used to this idea of opening up and allowing intimacy. Its at times hard not to lose patience with myself but I am going to keep trying. I have a weird fear of intimacy but also a craving for intimacy. Both sides of me battle it out and I end up just being awkward in social situations. Of course I am introverted by nature so I dont think I will ever be talking non stop or anything like that. But I am a GREAT listener and I know more about whats going on in a group then anyone lol. So I think if I can use my gifts of encouraging and listening people will maybe relate more to me and want to talk. I have not been completely successful yet but I am slowly improving and trying. Anyways everyone has been really nice and goes out of their way to like cheer me on when we went bowling or to try to get me to say more lol :). I feel good when I am around them so I hope I can continue to try and open up more. I just hope they dont see my quietness as me not wanting close relationships as nothing could be further from the truth.

The key for me is to not always judge myself at the end of the night. I always have a tendency to be like well tonight was a failure since you did not come home with 5 new best friends. Or I am depressed I still am not really close to them. But this takes time even more so with me because of my awkwardness and shyness. So I am really trying not to judge myself and am learning to dismiss the negative thoughts I have about myself as not being good enough for them to want me as a friend.

I have some more pretty exciting news. Well when I went bowling it was not just a random group but it was with a small group at church I am thinking about joining! It was a thing they had planned and they said I could come as a way for me to get to know them a little better. I have been nervous it would not work out and I would not be allowed to join since everything has to be approved. But the leader told me he talked to the church and its all set and I can come anytime. After hearing that I was filled with excitement, thankfulness, and FEAR. Now I have no excuses. I have a small group I am signed up with, they seem to like me, I liked them, so ya why am I afraid? Well its the whole intimacy thing again. I have been hiding from things like this my whole life it seems so people would not find out about my SSA. So if you want to pray for me I would sooo appreciate prayers that I have the courage to actually go now that its all setup.

I know for other people this is no big deal at all to join a small group but for me it is a big deal. It would be really good for me I think. And I could hopefully get to know them better and they get to know me. I admit my biggest fear is still my SSA thing as when people share about their struggles I dont want to act like I have no struggles and am fine when this is not the truth at all.That is what I have done my whole life and it sucks being fake. Yet I would have to really trust someone before telling them of my struggles so it will take time. The question is what do I tell them in the meantime when they are sharing struggles and prayer requests? Still thinking about that. I feel at some point if/when I do go and keep going and like everyone and it feels safe I will probably have to tell them about it. But that is something I am trying to get out of my head since its not something that has to be done anytime soon and its probably Satan putting that thought in my head to further try and discourage me and dissuade me from even going. In the past he has had great success at that but I think I am sick of him and his lies finally. Thank God for that.

So ya there is alot going on. Prayers are greatly appreciated. Very excited, nervous, anxious, and thankful for everything that is going on in my life. God is so patient with me its just amazing to me how all this is happening.

The question is will I go this week? Next Week? hmmm.

Stay tuned...

Thankful

2010-11-24T17:08:00.003-05:00

Some things I am thankful for on this Thanksgiving eve:

-Thankful for you all, my brothers and sisters in Christ, who may or may not struggle with the same things I do but all know what it is like to struggle against sin.

-Thankful to God for doing so much in my life since Thanksgiving of last year! I never would have imagined then that I would have a blog where I talk about my struggles with SSA and my life. Or that I would tell my brother of my struggles and that he would respond with love and compassion.

-Thankful for the support and prayers I have received from you all. Some of you have really changed my life with your encouragement, friendship, and advice and I thank you so much and it means more to me than you will ever know.

-Thankful for having a great family that loves me and showed me Gods love for me from a young age.

-I am thankful for finally realizing over the last months that I am not some sort of different class of sinner for having this struggle but just a sinner like anyone else who struggles and needs a savior.

-I am thankful that my shame has lessened so much since actually talking about my struggles instead of keeping it all inside like I used to.

-Thankful that God loves me more than I could ever know and wants what is best for me even if its painful for me in the short term.

-Thankful I am finally starting to get out more from time to time and hang out with other Christians. Sure I am still as awkward and shy as ever but hopefully friendships will form at some point if I keep trying and trusting God and refrain from judging or looking down on myself when things don't happen as quickly as I wish they would.

-Thankful for God not giving up on me even when I had given up on myself many times over. He has never abandoned me and loves me and every day He shows me more how much thats true.

-I am thankful to be alive!!

Love you all and hope you have a good Thanksgiving Thursday (whether you celebrate it or not) and realize we have much to be thankful for.

19 How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.

20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
from accusing tongues.

21 Praise be to the LORD,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.

22 In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

23 Love the LORD, all his faithful people!
The LORD preserves those who are true to him,
but the proud he pays back in full.

24 Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

-Psalm 31:19-24 (NIV)

-AJ

Celibacy...A Gift?

2010-10-28T20:28:00.008-04:00

"But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. But God gives to some the gift of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness." (1 Corinthians 7:7)

A friend recently posted this really good sermon about celibacy on a board I frequent. Here is the link to listen to it: http://www.churchrez.org/sermon/imitating-christ-in-celibacy/

It gave me alot to think about. I have always wondered how celibacy could be a gift since it seems so hard and the loneliness at times is so great. What kind of gift would make someone seemingly suffer and feel loneliness was my thought? I have always had the attitude that if its a gift I want to find the receipt so I can return it and get the gift I want instead lol :).

My biggest fear of living a celibate life is loneliness more than any thing else. To not have someone waiting for you after a long hard day of work, or to love you no matter what. The sexual aspect other than failing to M and P at times has not been as hard for me. Of course I have to continue to try and improve those areas with God's help but God has been really helping me lately especially on the P front. So its not the sex but the loneliness that makes the prospect of lifelong celibacy hard for me to accept at times.

Ok I got kind of side tracked for a bit. Back to celibacy and the church. It just has seemed to me that in the church today the single people are sort of swept to the side and sort of ignored while family and the joys of marriage are heavily emphasized, and are center stage. Sure there may be a singles group but even then its just other singles as if the rest of the church does not want to catch the disease of singleness or something. Instead of celibacy being celebrated as something equally as good as marriage many people in church look down on you like your strange, abnormal, or there is something wrong with you for not being married or having a family. Of least that has been my experience.

I have always had trouble seeing it as a gift and something as good as marriage. I guess its because I am lonely alot of the time and don't have a strong community like one needs to live a celibate life. But also because I guess I still hope for marriage to a woman even though its not likely because of my attractions. But this sermon really stressed how lost the church would be without its celibate members. They do so much of the work and devote alot of their life to the church. They dont have families of their own so they are able to go on missions trips easier to the far corners of the world. They have more time to pray, more time to serve, and more time to be there for others in need. They also have more time to get to know and love God one on one! I admit I have not been doing a good job at many of these things at all. I have not been making good use of my celibacy.

I think I have often treated marriage as an idol. I see others who are married and so happy and in love and are blessed with a loving family and I just dream of being them. I have always had a false view that if I could just be married then everything would be happy and care free. That I would then never be alone and always have someone to love. But I have to realize that there is great difficulty in marriage too its just you don't see it from the outside sometimes. I mean most of my relatives have been divorced and are on their second marriage so I guess being married is just as tough as being celibate just in different ways maybe?

Even Jesus says that its better for some not to marry:

10 Jesus’ disciples then said to him, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!”

11 “Not everyone can accept this statement,” Jesus said. “Only those whom God helps. 12 Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.” (Matthew 19:10-12)

I guess while I have been living the celibate life, I have not been embracing it and have been wanting healing from my SSA so I can be married to a woman. I have been treating celibacy almost as a curse instead of a gift. I have been resenting this gift. This sermon really made me think about alot of things. I really liked how the pastor said that celibates remind the church of the not yet and the unfulfilled promises and marriage reminds the church of filled promises and the now. And how the church needs both to support each other and be reminders of both Gods faithful promises today and the promises that wont happen until we get to heaven when the church is married to God instead of to one another. I still think that overall the church does not do a good job treating both celibacy and marriage as equally good and the church seems to really push marriage from my experience anyways. But I guess that no church is perfect since it is filled with humans.

Anyways this sermon was really good and gave me so much to think about. If you are like me and have been resenting the gift of celibacy then consider listening to this sermon as it really opened my eyes to alot of things. While I still hope for the gift of marriage I have decided I am going to try to embrace the gift of celibacy whether for a season or for my life and realize that yes it really is a gift that the Lord has seen fit to give me so I better use this gift to honor Him and not resent or reject it. Maybe it means He just wants to have me all to Himself with no marraige to get in the way? Who am I to refuse a gift like that from my Lord??

Lord help me to accept my celibacy as a gift from You. Help me to learn how to use my singleness to serve others and not as an excuse to feel jealousy, resentment, and unhappiness. If you do still have a plan for me to one day be married despite all the obstacles I face help me to not reject that gift either. If I am not to be married or in the meantime before marriage help me to find the community I need to fill my loneliness and to treat this as a gift to be cherished and used for Your glory and not as something that I should want to return! Help me grow and to be able to truthfully accept this as a gift and to be able to thank you for this gift and really mean it. Please forgive me for so often resenting this gift. I love you Father.

Washed and Waiting Review

2010-10-15T17:12:00.006-04:00

"Washed and waiting. That is my life- my identity as one who is forgiven and spiritually cleansed and my struggle as one who perseveres with a frustrating thorn in the flesh, looking forward to what God has promised to do. That is what this book is all about."

Just finished reading "Washed and Waiting:Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality" by Wesley Hill. It was an incredible read! He put into words so much of what I feel but have never been able to explain. I encourage anyone who struggles with same sex attractions to read it! Also would be a great book for pastors, friends, and family of those who struggle with homosexuality to read as it really does a great job showing what its like for those who struggle with this. The book is sobering and brutally honest at times about this struggle and the hopes for healing but I found overall I came away encouraged and challenged like never before to realize how much God loves me even if I never experience healing in this life.

Of the three books I have read so far on homosexuality this one was by far the best! The other two I have read "Desires in Conflict" by Joe Dallas and "The Broken Image" by Leanne Payne focused alot on the possible origins of my SSA and on how to go about "healing" or "changing" myself. After reading those books I found I came away even more anxious and worried then before I read them wondering how I was ever going to be able to "change" myself and my attractions. This book does not focus on that at all. Instead it basically says if your attractions never change what then? In a way it sort of reminded me of this amazing post on Karen's blog "Pursue God" from last year.

A huge part of this book is about the loneliness we face as christians who struggle with homosexual desires and so choose to be celibate. Hill described this loneliness so perfectly. Of wanting to fit in with the happy christian couples at church but often feeling like an outsider. Of never really feeling like you belong anywhere: "no relationship seems to satisfy this yawning hunger to be known, to be loved, to be inside some nameless space that remains frustratingly, confusingly, closed." Still he says its better to try and form relationships with people at church then to live hidden your whole life: "We're better off for all that we let in- including all the pain we let into our lives when we open our souls to the fellowship of the church. That pain is better than the pain of isolation." Its something I have to and want to improve on for sure. Anyways this book definitely does not sugar coat the loneliness that a christian with SSA struggles with. It was painful for me to read at times as these thoughts on loneliness I have often deeply felt and thought but never been able to verbalize.

The book then goes on to encourage about Gods love while being realistic about the struggles and loneliness we face as gay christians and gives examples of other gay christians who have been celibate in order to honor God. Its not a long read at all at 150 pages and is only three chapters long with two other mini chapters about famous christians who struggled with SSA. One on the famous christian writer Henri Nouwen and another mini chapter on poet and priest Gerard Manley Hopkins.

Anyways I was really encouraged after reading this book. I was challenged to change my thinking on a lot of the ways I view myself as not pleasing to God because of my attractions and struggles with SSA. The challenge I have is the same as Wesley Hills to learn that:

"The Bible calls the Christian struggle against sin faith (Heb 12:3-4; 10:37-39). It calls the Christian fight against impure cravings holiness (Rom 6:12-13, 22). So I am trying to appropriate these biblical descriptions for myself. I am learning to look at my daily wrestling with disordered desires and call it trust. I am learning to look at my battle to keep from giving in to my temptations and call it sanctification. I am learning to see that my flawed, imperfect, yet never-giving-up faithfulness is precisely the spiritual fruit that God will praise me for on the last day, to the ultimate honor of Jesus Christ.

and that:

"The gospel tells us that our obedience matters to God, that he takes note of it. He sees our struggle to live faithfully with same sex attractions. He helps us with grace through his Son and Spirit. He values our perseverance."

It wont be an easy walk and I will face much loneliness and misunderstanding, but God will be there for me and like a father he is proud of my victories and will lift me from the dust after my stumbles. Do I still hope for healing? Of course! But this book has really taught me to leave it in Gods hands rather than try to force healing myself.

The book closes with a powerful afterword by Kathryn Greene-Mccreight challenging the church to better love and realize the struggles and loneliness of its gay members. Here is a part of it:

Do we (heterosexual Christians) simply cast our glances aside from our brothers and sisters who struggle with homosexual desires? Can we continue to ignore the isolation these brothers and sisters experience within the body of Christ? Are we afraid to hear about the same-sex desire of brothers or sisters for whom Jesus Christ died, even when they choose the narrow path of celibacy, despite the attendant trials of loneliness and solitude. "The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I have no need of you,' nor again the head to the feet, 'I have no need of you.' ...If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it." (I Cor 12:21, 26-27) We who are the body of Christ must show love, joy, hope, and fellowship of the gospel to all who are part of the body."

Anyways to sum it up I highly recommend this book if you are a Christian who struggles with same sex attractions, know someone who struggles with this, or want to have a better understanding of what its like to be a christian and struggle with SSA.

We will never walk alone again

2010-10-14T19:27:00.001-04:00

I purchased the new Jars of Clay cd last week and I really like it. The theme of the album is Christian community and how important it is in our walks. Anyways loved this song especially so figured I would share! :)

Small Rebellions
by: Jars of Clay
God of the break and shatter
Hearts in every form still matter
In our weakness help us see
That alone we’ll never be
Lifting any burdens off our shoulders

If our days could be filled with small rebellion
Senseless brutal acts of kindness from us all
If we stand between the fear and firm foundation
Push against the current and the fall
The current and the fall

God of the worn and tattered
All of the your people matter
Give us more than words to speak
Cuz we are hearts and arms that reach
And love climbs up and down the human ladder

If our days could be filled with small rebellion
Senseless brutal acts of kindness from us all
If we stand between the fear and firm foundation
Push against the current and the fall
The current and the fall
Fall

We will never walk alone again
No, we will never walk alone again
No, we will never walk alone again

Give us days to be filled with small rebellion
Senseless brutal acts of kindness from us all
If we stand between the fear and firm foundation
Push against the current and the fall

Give us days to be filled with small rebellion
Senseless brutal acts of kindness from us all
If we stand between the fear and firm foundation
Push against the current and the fall
The current and the fall
The fall

Wandering Thoughts for October 4

2010-10-04T17:56:00.007-04:00

A few wanderings and small things that dont warrant a whole post for each.

-First of all I ordered "Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality" by Wesley Hill last week! It arrived on Friday. I have not had time to read it but have heard great things and I am really looking forward to reading it. If you have never read this amazing article he wrote on Ransom Fellowship titled “A Few Like You”: Will the Church be the Church for Homosexual Christians? check it out and maybe you will see why I am excited to read his new book! I will let you know how I liked the book when I finish it.

-I read a really good article by Albert Mohler today titled: Between the Boy and the Bridge — A Haunting Question about all the recent suicides of young men who struggle with homosexuality. It really challenges the church to get involved in the lives of young people struggling with this.

-Had a great weekend and enjoyed church. Went to a cookout with people from church and got to know some people a bit of least. I admit I was still very reserved but of least I went and did talk to some people! :) Also I had a long talk with my brother and he really is encouraging me to join a small group at church. I probably am going to finally do it soon. I know, I know I have said I would before but I think this time I really will. He thinks, and I agree, that it just would be alot easier for me to get to know people and get closer with people in a small group environment like that compared to everyone rushing home after church on a Sunday morning. So I hope I can take this leap of faith as its a big step for me to be vulnerable like that.

-Anyways just overall I have been feeling so much more positive about things lately and feel like my life is starting to improve. I feel like God is really working in my life and I am very slowly starting to open up a bit more to others. I still have a very long way to go but its a start of least. I thank you all for your prayers and encouragement please feel free to continue to pray as it is greatly appreciated!

Here are a couple verses from Psalm 34 I wanted to share that really encouraged me to keep trusting the Lord:

Psalm 34:8

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Why are humans so cruel?

2010-09-30T16:44:00.021-04:00

Ugh why are humans so cruel? Was just reading about this heartbreaking story on the front page of CNN about Tyler Clementi a freshman in college whose roommate secretly taped him making out with another guy and posted it on the internet as some kind of cruel joke for his friends to see. A couple of days later Tyler sadly committed suicide. This just breaks my heart. He apparently was still pretty much in the closet about his sexual attractions so I cant even imagine what it must have been like for him to endure this viscious and hateful invasion of privacy and have his deepest secret be made into some kind of joke by these cruel students in this manner. The insane pain and sense of being violated must have been immense and ultimately unbearable. This kid had his whole life in front of him and was an accomplished musician. I am just so sad about this whole thing. Its a tragedy that never should have happened if these college students who did this to him just thought for one second what they were doing and how it would affect another human being.

Lord have mercy on mankind for the way we treat one another. :(

Update: Just read this new article on CNN about Tyler's life. Sounds like he was a great kid with a promising future. Went to church every week and played his violin for the church services and he never told anyone in high school of his sexual orientation. Just never dated girls or guys. Basically except for the violin part he could have been me in High School. I think thats why this story is affecting me so much. Please keep his family in your prayers as I can not even imagine how devastated they must be.

Right in Front of Me

2010-09-27T20:13:00.004-04:00

This song by Josh Wilson popped up on my pandora radio mix today and it just really caught my attention. Before I knew it I had purchased the CD on Amazon (It didnt hurt that it was on sale for only $4.98!) Anyways really powerful lyrics about wanting a miracle and evidence of God but realizing the evidence is all around us. It just really spoke to me so I wanted to share it. Alot of these lyrics would be a good summary of my life. Wanting a miracle and to be healed of my SSA thinking it would help me fully trust God. Yet at the same time why should I need something like that to trust Him when He has done so much already?? Just the fact I wake up in the morning and the sun rises and sets is a miracle!! Why should God have to prove himself to me when He already has given me and continues to give me so much??

Right in Front of Me
by: Josh Wilson

Some say we’ve all been searching for a God for years in vain
And some say belief is just the easy way around our pain
And sometimes I’d like to agree when they’re telling me that this is all an accident
Cause it’s hard to let this heart believe when my mind is screaming out I need more evidence

But do I really need more evidence?

I want a miracle, something impossible
So would you help me to believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me
Is all the proof I’ll ever need

I hear it in the winter wind that blows the icy snow against my skin
And I see it in that summer sun that rises high and then burns out again
And I feel it in my chest in the quiet moments that I trust in what You say

Would you help me trust in what You say?

Maybe this is what it means to question You and still believe
To search and still be satisfied, to know and yet to wonder why
To put my faith in things I doubt, to love what I can’t figure out
Maybe this is what it means

To want a miracle, something impossible
But have the faith to still believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me
Is all the proof I’ll ever need
Don’t need a miracle, something impossible
That makes You easy to believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me
Is all the proof I’ll ever need

You’re all the proof I’ll ever need
So would you help me to believe

Thoughts on Healing

2010-09-19T16:02:00.003-04:00

I just read a very good article on the Living Hope website written by Ricky Chelette titled "What Does Healing Look Like?" The article is about what healing from unwanted same sex attractions is and what it is not. As I have been learning and realizing more and more since I started my blog and started facing my SSA issues for the first time these attractions are not something you are likely to be healed from 100% in this life. The attractions will likely always be there to some extent because of the way they have been deeply imprinted within us in our developmental years. Some will have less attractions to the same sex over time and others wont experience much change in attractions at all. As it says in this article:

"Real healing is not the absence of struggle against lesser sexual desires, but facing those struggles, acknowledging their allure and immediacy, and choosing to obey the truth found in Christ and His Word. Real healing is predicated on a belief that the Creator knows what is best for His creation and has revealed what is best through His Son, Jesus Christ, and His Word, the Bible."

I really liked how in this article he compared this struggle with SSA to someone having diabetes as in its something you have to manage on a daily basis.

"In the physical world we might compare sexual and relational healing to someone who has diabetes. Diabetes does not often go away (though sometimes it can), but it can be controlled in your life as long as you eat appropriately, exercise, constantly monitor your intake, and submit yourself to the recommendations of the doctor. A person who submits himself to his doctor and disciplines his life will find that he can live a much fuller, happier, longer and more fruitful life. In much the same way, those who struggle with deep sexual and relational issues generally will not find their struggle completely gone. The imprints laid down upon the wet concrete of their formative years will not easily disappear. However, they can live in such a way as to not be governed by the impulses of their sinful, natural flesh and remain obedient to the calling and will of God in their lives. They can walk in freedom and truth!"

Like someone who struggles with diabetes some days are better than others but you always have to monitor yourself if you want to be healthy.

Sure God can heal people instantly of their homosexual attractions if He wanted to but it is more likely that God will use our struggles to draw us to Him and make us realize how much we need a savior. If He just healed everyone of all their struggles instantly would we really still seek Him? Or would life be to easy and our human nature and self reliance take over to make us think we don't need Jesus? Would we think we are entitled for God to fix every struggle we have? Just think how many times in the Old Testament God did some huge miracle like parting the Red Sea and then on the very next page you would see his people complaining and saying God forgot about them. I would like to think I am better than that and if God healed me instantly of my SSA I would always trust Him no matter what. But the truth is I am no better than the Israelites of the Old Testament. I am sure I would find something else to complain about in a short period of time. Questions like: "Sure God you healed me of my SSA but why wont you provide me with a better job? Did you forget about me? Why don't I have more friends? Now that I am attracted to women why don't I have a wife? Don't you love me?"

We will always have struggles with our sinful nature whether its SSA or something else. God never said anywhere that He would heal us of all our struggles in life. In fact everyone has some kind of struggle they have to deal with and a big part of being a follower of Christ is for us to have struggles but still try to live for God. I believe God does heal a small portion of SSA struggler's completely and instantly but I think the reason the numbers of instant healings are apparently so few is that if He just healed everyone of all their struggles with sin then life would be so easy we would not have to depend on Jesus. Rather than me trusting God AFTER I am healed I choose to trust Him now! If I just spend my whole life begging God for healing instead of living the life God has given me in a way that will bring praise to Him than I have wasted my life.

I admit I have spent alot of years and time begging and crying to God for healing and why it took me this long to face myself is a mystery to even me. But I am so thankful that God finally completely broke me one lonely and tear filled night in March which brought me to this point of finally admitting to myself my struggles and finding help online and in admitting my struggle to a couple of people in my life. Doing these things has helped me to find healing in ways I never expected. I still hold out hope to one day be more attracted to females and less attracted to males but that should not be my main goal. Rather as it says in the closing of this article:

"Real healing looks like you and me looking more and more like Jesus."

It should not be my ultimate goal to have 100% heterosexual attractions but instead to try and be more like Jesus. That is a goal that all of us sinners should be striving for!

Check out the whole article "What Does Healing Look Like?" on the Living Hope website its good!

From Panic to Peace

2010-09-10T20:12:00.013-04:00

I just was having sort of a mini panic attack worried about all of my problems and wondering how I will ever fix them. It was complete with tears and everything. I know I have to make changes in my life to try and make friends and find some happiness and stuff but I am overwhelmed by everything. I have never been good at making decisions so I am stuck in this holding pattern trying to figure out what to do next. Sometimes it seems like my whole life has just been one big holding pattern. Wish God would just yell into my ear and tell me what to do since I am so dense and confused. Anyways in the midst of my tears and anxiety as I was praying and crying and hyperventilating I opened up my journal and my finger landed on this verse I wrote down back on January 18.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
(John 14:27)

This is just what I I needed to hear at that moment and calmed me. For now of least I feel peace. Still have alot to think about but I am going to try not to worry to much and try not to be afraid of all the confusion and loneliness and things I have to do to reach out to people better. My life is in Gods hands and I know He will guide me and help me be the person he wants me to be. I have to trust Him that he will bring people into my life who would be good friends to me. Why am I so fearful all the time when the God who created the universe is by my side?

After reading that verse in my journal I was just thinking back to where I was in January when I wrote this verse down compared to where I am now. Back then no one in the entire world knew of my struggles with SSA and no one would for a few more months. It never would have crossed my mind to start this blog or to be talking to other christian guys who struggle like I do as I always assumed I was alone. When I look back to where I was then to now I can really see that God has been working in my life. There is no other explanation as I was dead set on going to my grave never letting others know of my secret struggle. Then God led me to the blogs after a really dark and lonely night in March and I opened up finally about my struggles to you all and you have given me so much advice, help, courage, and prayers. Way more than I ever could have dreamed. And through talking to you I got the courage to tell my brother and his wife which was an amazing and very scary thing. Still cant believe I actually did that when I think about it. I never would have done it if not for the advice some of you gave me. All of those things were scary too. First searching for other christians online who struggled like me. Then commenting on their blogs. Then starting my own blog and finally being honest about my struggles on my blog and then in my life. I was scared then too (and completely terrified when I told my brother) but God used it for good and gave me courage I never could have found on my own to get through the fear. God has brought me this far I know he will not abandon me now!!

Lord help me not to be so afraid. Help me to make decisions on what to do and how to make close friends. Help me not to get to worried or stressed out about my struggles with SSA and loneliness and please let me feel your love when I am feeling alone. Please give me peace and courage to move forward and get out of this holding pattern I seem to be in. I am sorry I am such a slow learner and make so many mistakes. Thanks for loving me anyways and thanks for showing me that verse tonight and calming my anxiety and worry. I love you Father.

Hope?

2010-09-06T10:15:00.004-04:00

Hey guys I was just wondering is there any hope of one day being more attracted to females? I read books like "The Broken Image" by Leanne Payne and it just confuses me even more as she seems to say if you say some special prayer and go to lots and lots of intense counseling sessions and spends lots of money your attractions will change. But then I read on other sites how even married guys with SSA are still attracted to guys more than woman.

Or should I just give up on that hope? I am so confused about things. Some days I have a slight attraction to a woman where I am like wow she is beautiful but its never anywhere near my attraction for guys and always fleeting. Its like I dont feel I deserve to be attracted to females or something. Like I dont think I am man enough for them. Sometimes I wonder if when I was a teenager I worried myself into having SSA because I did not feel accepted by others. I remember thinking often "What if I am gay?" because I was not dating girls like other guys and was not attracted to them.

I am just so sick of all this. Every day is a battle and I am always finding myself thinking about my attractions and how best to battle them. Other guys my age are happily married with families and they never have to worry about their sexuality at all. In fact it seems they have no worries at all sometimes compared to me. I know this is not true and they have plenty of worries but I guess I still think it at times. Married guys do have to worry of being able to provide financially for their family but all those worries seem worth it since they have a loving family and a reason to work hard and something to come home to at the end of the day other than an empty, lonely house.

If I could just live the life of a straight guy for one week and not have to think about my sexuality at all and just be a normal guy it would be the best week of my life and for them it is just an average ho-hum week. I hope they realize how God has blessed them and how lucky they are.

There does not seem to be much to look forward to if I am going to be like this my entire life. Just loneliness. I had a bad day yesterday at church where I was seeing all the happy married couples. I almost cant stand to go to church anymore as I feel I will never be like most of the people there and they dont want to be friends with me anyways. They are far to busy with family life than to have time to befriend the lonely, sexually confused, shy guy. I know its wrong to be jealous and have envy but I cant seem to accept my lot in life yet my attractions wont change either.

Anyways dont really know the point of this post. Just venting I guess and wishing I was not me. I know there must be reasons God lets me struggle with this. I have posted many reasons why He might allow this in past blog posts. Its just so hard to keep the faith sometimes when nothing seems to be going right.

I could use some prayers if you feel like praying for me.

You Make Beautiful Things

2010-09-01T16:47:00.002-04:00

This song has really been speaking to me so I wanted to share it here. Hope it speaks to you as well. We can rejoice in the fact that we have a God who is slowly remaking us into something beautiful! Sure its painful sometimes but God never said life would have no struggles or pain.

I can rejoice and be glad knowing that one day my Father will finish what He started in me, even if it is not until I get to heaven.

Beautiful Things
by:Gungor

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll even find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

There is no use arguing with God

2010-08-26T10:21:00.012-04:00

I am reading through Ecclesiastes right now. I actually finished the book last night. Really deep stuff there its been awhile since I read that book. Is it just me or is everything meaningless? :) haha. Anyways last night while reading it I came across an interesting verse that spoke to me. Here it is:

"Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny." (Eccl 6:10, NLT)

This verse just really made me stop in my tracks and think for awhile. Did God know before I was even born that I would struggle with SSA? Obviously He did since he knows all but its an interesting thing to think about. He knew I would have this struggle but still loved me and loves me anyways. Is it possible that no matter what had happened as a child whether I had tons of male friends, felt accepted, and like "one of the guys" that I would have turned out no different since God always knew I would be the person I am? What I mean is I spend so much time thinking about the past and how I wish things had gone different. But this verse seems to say that there is no use doing that or arguing with God about your lot in life because your destiny is already decided.

Of course this brings up the whole idea of free will. If God always knew I would struggle with SSA does that mean no matter what choices I made or what choices others made to include me I still would struggle with SSA? Its interesting to think about. I doubt I will solve these deep questions any time soon. Just thinking.

Also love the last part of the verse. "So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny." I took that to mean there is no use begging and pleading for God to change yours or my particular struggle. I cant even count the untold times I have prayed to God and cried myself to sleep asking for God to heal me of these same sex attractions. Like it says in this verse there is no use arguing with God. For whatever reason some of us struggle with SSA and its our burden to bear. Everyone has some struggle that they have and God must think that we can handle it and that it will teach us to trust in Him. If we each did not have our own particular struggle we may never learn to have this trust and our faith would not grow. Luckily God does not leave us alone to carry our burdens but helps us!

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” "
(Matt 11: 28-30, NLT).

So what I have to learn to do is to really give Jesus my heavy bag of burdens and let Him deal with it. I cant beat myself up so much when I fail and I have to try not to be prideful when I have success. He took all my burdens on the cross when He died for me anyways. So why do I still drag them behind me like I am chained to a boulder?

Sure this burden is still there and may be with me for life but I am starting to find some form of healing by just talking about it with others on my blog and elsewhere and not keeping it all in. It turns out God is healing me after all. Its just not in the ways I ever would have expected. But God always manages to surprise us doesn't He?

Anyways thats what I got from these verses. Whats your opinion? What do you think that Ecclesiastes 6:10 means? Do you agree with my conclusions or is my interpretation of the verse wrong?

Strange Dream

2010-08-25T11:48:00.009-04:00

Hmm I had a strange dream last night. Its probably not much of anything but since I remember it and its so strange i figured I would post it. Maybe someone who reads my blog is a master dream interpreter and will know what if anything it means :) . It may be kind of a boring dream though but it was just so weird and I dont remember many of my dreams so this stood out to me.

Ok for some reason in my dream I was growing white facial hair. It was really like super long stubble that was white growing out of my face. It was not like a normal beard but rather like longer than normal white stubble growing. It was painful and my face hurt from it and others in my dream were telling me to cut it off. So in my dream I cut the strange white hair/stubble off with a razor and the pain went away. Then I woke up.

Of course I felt my face when I woke up to make sure everything was ok and before I could fall asleep again I had to look in the mirror to make sure I did not have a white beard all of a sudden or anything lol. Yea I told you it was strange. Dont know if there is any meaning at all or just a random strange dream. Anyone have any ideas? :)

I need your touch

2010-08-22T21:03:00.008-04:00

"I'm crying out come rescue me with love. Like a child needs a night-light in the dark. Lord light me up I'm lovesick for just one touch. Your all I need but you never seem to be enough"
Tenth Avenue North
Lovesick

Hey all sorry for not posting lately. You may remember a month or two back I posted how I thought I finally had my masturbation struggles sort of under control. Well those days are long gone and I struggle with it often now. I also want to confess that I gave into looking at porn for the first time in awhile last week. That of course made me feel like crap for a little while too. But I prayed and asked for forgiveness and told my accountability partner and thankfully got over the guilt and shame I was feeling. Psalm 130 is a passage that really encouraged me.

I dont know I am realizing that its when I am feeling lonely that I am the weakest. The problem is I am lonely most of the time. I just cant seem to get the close relationships with others that I want. Sometimes I feel like my only purpose in life is to be an example of a lonely person to make other Christians grateful for their families and close friends. I know thats wrong but at times I think it anyways. I just cant get over my fears of opening up and letting myself be vulnerable to others. I am afraid of being rejected and judged. The thing is I want to be vulnerable but just dont know how to start.

This past weekend was good though but made me realize all I miss out on. We had a family reunion and there were lots of hugs and physical contact and stuff. It just made me realize how much I crave human touch. I dont get it often at all since I dont have many close friends. When I am craving it I find I end up trying to fulfill my cravings myself by masturbating and/or looking at porn. Dont really know what to do to fulfill this human need of touch. A handshake is not enough I want hugs and real intimate contact like rubbing each others back, and resting my head on their shoulders and stuff like that. I dont know I am just pathetic at making close friends where we would be comfortable doing this I guess.

Ya I know God should be enough much like it says in this song. He should be enough but as humans we are weak and seem to need more. But God made humans this way to crave touch. He probably did that for a reason since He knew we will need to comfort and be close to eachother to get through this hard life. I have been pretending I am not human and dont need these close relationships for so long its hard to transition out of it and be human and vulnerable to others. I so want to. But its hard.

So anyways please pray for me that I can resist trying to fulfill my need for close relationships and human touch with other things like porn and masturbation.

Ravi Zacharias on Homosexuality and the Christian

2010-08-16T13:53:00.003-04:00

This video is from 2009 so may be old but its new for me so I wanted to share it. Someone from the audience asked Ravi Zacharias a question about being a Christian and homosexuality and I just really liked his answer. He was honest and logical with his beliefs yet still showed compassion and understanding for those that struggle with this. If you have some time give this video a look.

Your Love is Strong

2010-08-13T09:52:00.001-04:00

Last week I went to a big christian music festival and had the chance to see Jon Foreman perform this song live. It really spoke to me so much. It was such a beautiful setting in the mountains with dragonflys flying around and hawks flying above and nature everywhere. Anyways this song just really spoke to me when I saw it performed in person so I wanted to share it with you all here! I took a video of him performing it too that I posted on Facebook. I tried to post it here but it said the filesize was to big. So if you are my friend on Facebook check it out!

Gods love is stronger than all my fear, pain, rejection, and yes even my sin! Its incredible that He loves us so much. Why do I worry about things so much when the God who created the universe cares for me so much? If only I could really learn to accept his love and acceptance completely. Life would be so much easier if I could just truly not only know these things about Gods love but accept them completely and live like its really true.

Lord help me to accept your insane and crazy love for me. A love I do not deserve at all and yet you shower it upon me every day with the beauty of your creation. Every breath I take is another sign of your love. Help me never to forget your love for me. As this song says:
Forgive me a weary sinner
Keep me far away from my vices
Deliver me from these prisons that I helped to create for myself.

I love you Father!

Your Love is Strong
by: Jon Foreman

Heavenly father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world
And in my life

You give me the food I need
To live through today
Forgive me as I forgive
The people that wrong me

Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place

I walk to the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed then any girl
On her wedding day

So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need!

- Chorus -

Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found

Two things you told me
That you are strong and you love me
Yes, you love me

- Chorus -

Your love is strong

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
Deliver us from these prisons

Mistakes, regrets, and moving forward

2010-08-02T16:41:00.006-04:00

I have been thinking alot lately about mistakes I may have made in the way I dealt with my SSA all these years. Since I had never talked to anyone about my issues until I started my blog a few months ago I was just doing what I thought was best. I figured since I was attracted to guys then its obvious that I must keep away from guys and not form close friendships with them. I did not want them to find out my secret and did not want to stumble and fall with a guy. Well because of that I really have not had close male friends in a long time. And I am realizing from reading posts people have been making and chatting with others that I may have been handling things wrong. That not interacting with guys and not having close friendships with guys probably made my attractions and lusts for guys even stronger then they would have been as I felt like I was not one of them. This makes me really sad and hurts me deeply when I think about it. Because how do you make up for the lost time and experiences and growing up you missed? You can try but in reality you can't really. Of least not in the way it would have happened more naturally at that time.

One of my biggest regrets is that I did not go away to a christian college and live the dorm life with other guys. Once again it was a case of me doing things with the best of intentions only to realize now I was probably all wrong. I figured that I could not handle seeing guys in their underwear and undressing and sleeping in the same room and stuff for 4 years in the dorms. I thought I would be aroused 24/7 and never be able to study or think straight. I mean when you see straight christian guys attracted to females you dont see them go live with a bunch of them who walk around their rooms in their bra's to try and lessen their attractions you know what I mean?? So I figured I would treat males like straight guys treated females and not move in with a bunch of guys who I figured would cause me to lust. So I did what I thought was the right thing and picked a local state college to go to that I commuted to. I formed no real friendships there since I just drove in, took my classes, and drove back. Plus I think if I had told anyone there of my struggles they would have just encouraged me to act on them. I realize now that if I had gone away I would have been forced to be with other guys all the time and may have come to realize I am just like them and maybe been accepted and opened up more and felt like one of the guys. Maybe not but it could not have hurt.

Why did I let my SSA get the best of me and control my life? I was such a fool to let my struggles control me. So I am in this weird position of sadness over something I thought I was doing right at the time. I have to get over the anger I have for myself. Its like now its so clear what I should have done that I dont know why I could not see it then.

So where does this realization leave me now? Well glad you asked. What can be done now about the past? Nothing. I cant relive those years so I have to realize its useless for me to spend time worrying about things I may have done wrong in my struggle with SSA. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time so I cant dwell on it. I guess everyone hurts some time or another about things in the past. Its better to hurt than to be in the numb state I have been in for years (although sometimes i would prefer the numb state lol). So now I am trying to think of other ways to make close male friendships and relate with guys. Its ALOT harder now than it would have been then as most of the guys my age are married and far to busy with family life to form close friendships. Of least with a single guy. I notice married people have no trouble going out with new couples they meet but seldom go out with single people. I guess they think single people have a disease or something and dont want to catch it lol.

But I am going to try to go out of my comfort zone a little and reach out to people more.I am thinking of joining a small group at my church hoping that will let me get closer to people. Maybe that will be a way I can get closer male friends? There are not many other options really as I am kinda quite and have real trouble just introducing myself to random people. Also I have been trying to go to more functions like BBQ's and have been hanging out with acquaintances and friends of my brothers from church and that has been working too as I find I am more comfortable around his friends lately so I will continue doing that.

Anyways I am just thinking out loud to myself about my options of trying to reconnect with the male world. Forget reconnecting how about connecting for the first time lol. I definitely long to be accepted by other males and have male friends. This is all stuff I should have learned as a teenager but didnt because I felt different and separate from other males because of my SSA. Makes me wonder who would even want to be friends with someone as slow at learning basic life lessons as me lol. But I know thats just satan telling me lies. And that someone out there wants a new friend lol :).

If anyone else has any ideas or anything on making friends with guys or anything please post a comment.

Lord when I think about my past and the mistakes I made dealing with this and the way I let my SSA and fear control my life it fills me with great sadness and regret. I should have trusted You. Help me not to dwell on my past mistakes in dealing with this Lord. Instead show me the way to having the close friendships and acceptance I have longed for my entire life. Thank you Lord for having patience with me as I know it must be frustrating to watch me stumbling and messing up all the time as I try to deal with all my problems and sins. Help me not to deal with my sins alone but instead rely on You. I know that you are remaking me patiently and lovingly into the man you want me to be and I am so thankful I am learning these things now of least. I love you Father.

Lesson One

2010-07-29T11:48:00.002-04:00

Just purchased the newest Jars of Clay album on iTunes last night because it was on sale for only $6.99. Anyways one of the tracks really affected me. It is track 9 titled Boys (Lesson One). It is a song sung from a father to a son about growing up. It really made me an emotional mess listening to it. I wish someone taught me these things growing up. Maybe they did teach it but for whatever reason it did not stick with me. I just never felt like I could be honest about my struggles with my parents. I guess I still have alot to work through and alot of lessons to learn.

Boys (Lesson One)
by: Jars of Clay

Lesson one - do not hide
Lesson two - there are right ways to fight
And if you have questions
We can talk through the night

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I’ve been where you’re going
And it’s not that far
It’s too far to walk
But you don’t have to run
You’ll get there in time

Lesson three - you’re not alone
Not since I saw you start breathing on your own
You can leave, you can run, this will still be your home

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I’ve been where you’re going
And it’s not that far
It’s too far to walk
But you don’t have to run
You’ll get there in time
Get there in time

In time, to wonder where the days have gone
In time, to be old enough to wish that you were young
When good things are unraveling, bad things come undone
You weather love and lose your innocence

There will be liars and thieves who take from you
Not to undermine the consequence
But you are not what you do
And when you need it most
I have a hundred reasons why I love you

If you weather love and lose your innocence
Just remember - lesson one

Please Let Me Off the Rollercoaster

2010-07-28T19:45:00.004-04:00

Lately I just want to get off this roller coaster my emotions have become. I am just sick of it. One day I am feeling great and close to God thinking sure I will be fine and everything will work out. Then other days like today I feel its hopeless and I will be lonely the rest of my life. I just feel like its not fair sometimes that I struggle with this while others live a great life with a loving family. But then again I guess life is not fair. For whatever reason God seems to bless some with things like a wife and a family while others like me struggle with something as basic to their humanity as their sexual identity. Its hard to know why but I guess we wont know until we get to heaven. But I still choose to keep trusting God that He must have some kind of plan and purpose for me.

I am almost done with the Desires in Conflict book I have been reading. I have to admit at times it is painful to read as so much what he described seemed to be about me. Hearing his theory about SSA does make alot of sense but its painful to know that things in my childhood may have caused this. It makes me think if only misunderstandings about relationships had not occurred, if only I had more male friends and felt accepted as one of the guys. Maybe I would be married now with a family instead of lonely and confused. If only, if only, if only...

But there is no use wishing things had happened differently. They didnt and its a waste of time for me to constantly dwell on the past and wish I had done this instead of that etc... Plus maybe I would not like the person I would be if I met him today if everything happened different. Maybe that person would think he does not need God because everything in his life is great. Maybe when I get to heaven I will actually thank God for letting me struggle with this as it made me depend on Him when otherwise I would try to do things on my own? Maybe, but for now its a really hard struggle so I just have to keep trying and trusting in God day by day. I have to finally try to move forward and try to leave the pain behind. Its a hard thing to do since the pain has been with me so long of wanting to fit in but never being accepted by my peers, the loneliness, the feelings of guilt and shame.

Having said all that I actually had a good weekend last weekend though. I volunteered at church last Sunday to help set up the worship team. So I got to church around 7 am and we set up all the cables and instruments and sound system and stuff. Got to meet some other people and went out for coffee after we were done and before the service started. It was good and I felt like part of a team. I will have to do it again I think.

Lord please help me to be happy with what I have. Help me not to compare my life with others but just accept that some people have more struggles in life than others. I know its probably for my own good that you let me struggle with this even though its a painful thing and often its hard for me to understand. Please help me to trust You Jesus and to know that you only want whats best for me. Help me to form close relationships with other guys and finally feel accepted. I love you Lord and thank You for my life.

You Are Faithful

2010-07-27T16:29:00.002-04:00

Really love this worship song by Jesus Culture. Always inspires me to keep pressing on and to keep on trusting God.

Why ask Why?

2010-07-22T19:40:00.002-04:00

I am reading through Proverbs right now and the other day I came across this short verse that spoke to me so figured I would share it with you all. Proverbs 20:24 Here is the NLT version of it:

"The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?"

I took it to mean that life is confusing and we may not understand why we struggle or have hardships but in the end its for our good as the Lord is directing us and changing us into the person He wants us to be. So going through a struggle and trying to obey God is what we have to do even though we may ask questions as to why do I have to struggle with this when all my friends and family are "normal". They have their own struggles that we may not understand.

This is something I often struggle with. Over the years I have spent alot of time wondering why I struggle with SSA. I have thought over certain things that happened or did not happen that could have caused it. Wondered if only I had done this or did not do that then maybe I would have turned out different. But the truth is I will probably never know why I struggle with this. So I have to start just realizing the whys dont matter as much. As this verse says its not for us to understand the whys. Its just our job to try and obey and trust God that He will use even the toughest struggles, which sometimes this seems like this has to be one of the tougher ones, to direct our steps and draw us closer to Him and make us into the people He wants us to be in order to glorify Him in our weakness all the more.

A Click Away

2010-07-17T10:34:00.008-04:00

Wow re-reading my my last post made it sound like I am far from God. I just wanted to clarify that those feelings I mentioned in Question 5 of my last post are things I have felt from time to time and most of them things I thought in the past and not things that I think all the time! In fact In the past few months I have felt closer to God than I ever have before! I think its because I am finally really open with God and admitting everything to Him. All my fears, my pains, my hopes, my dreams. In addition to this blog I keep a journal. I write it as if writing to God and its been a great help to me. I have only been doing it for about 8 months or so. But its great looking back and realizing WOW God did answer me. If I had not written it down I may have forgotten. For instance in the weeks up to finding the blogs I had some really painful entries where I was telling God how alone I felt in my struggle. Well than I just re-read the entry after I found the blogs and it made me smile to see how happy I was to see I was not alone in this struggle. I am sure God smiled too and was happy to answer my prayers. I am really realizing He loves me for me as I am now. And because He loves me as I am now I am trying to follow His will for me to show my love back in some small way! I know I cant match His love for me with works but I can try to honor Him. Sure I will fail many times and without His help would fail ALL the time, but He knows whats in our heart.

Ever since I finally admitted on my blog that I have these attractions and talked to my brother and his wife it has been a freeing experience and I have felt Gods love like never before. I am so encouraged by all you guys who read this and your blogs. Seriously to see how God is working in your lives is amazing. It encourages me and I hope in some small way I encourage you all too. Sure we all have struggles and our walks may be harder than straight Christians and they may not understand us or our struggle all the time but of least we understand each other and can support and pray for each other. And even if others dont understand this struggle completely many will still pray for us and try to help as they can.

I sometimes in the past wished the internet had not been invented because it makes looking at porn to easy. But then I could not imagine what it would have been like if it was like the 1950's now with no internet. I never would have found any of you and likely would have thought I was alone with this struggle my entire life.
Like everything else in life the internet can be used for good and evil. Satan has found it as an easy way to tempt people with online porn that is a mouse click away but God also uses it and there is christian support a mouse click away as well. The question is where will we point that mouse? Isn't the support and prayers we give one another way better than the few seconds of pleasure we get from online porn? I think it is!

Anyways I guess I am just sort of rambling today. I am in a good mood. Going to be visiting some family this weekend and they have a pool and its like 93 degrees lol :) I am thankful for a new day. I am thankful to God for loving even me. I am thankful for you all. I am thankful to be alive!

Hey if you are ever feeling down read Psalms 103. Love that chapter it really shows the love of God and how eager He is to love and forgive us! I will post it here even though its kinda long:

Psalms 103 (NLT)

1 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
2 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
3 He forgives all my sins
and heals all my diseases.
4 He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
5 He fills my life with good things.
My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!

6 The Lord gives righteousness
and justice to all who are treated unfairly.

7 He revealed his character to Moses
and his deeds to the people of Israel.
8 The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
9 He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
10 He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
12 He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.
13 The Lord is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
14 For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust.
15 Our days on earth are like grass;
like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
16 The wind blows, and we are gone—
as though we had never been here.
17 But the love of the Lord remains forever
with those who fear him.
His salvation extends to the children’s children
18 of those who are faithful to his covenant,
of those who obey his commandments!

19 The Lord has made the heavens his throne;
from there he rules over everything.

20 Praise the Lord, you angels,
you mighty ones who carry out his plans,
listening for each of his commands.
21 Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels
who serve him and do his will!
22 Praise the Lord, everything he has created,
everything in all his kingdom.
Let all that I am praise the Lord." (bolded by me AJ)

Laying the Foundation

2010-07-14T15:28:00.008-04:00

I am reading Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas and chapter 4 has some questions he wants the reader to answer. Well I decided to answer them here for all the world to see. lol :)

1.What event or circumstance motivated your decision to repent of homosexuality? hmm tough one. I have never acted out my lusts and fantasies with another person so it was not a specific event with another person or anything. About 4 months ago I had looked at porn for the first time in months and I was so disgusted with myself afterwards. After I was done I like usual felt intense shame, disgust, and remorse. The next day I woke up bitterly depressed. I was sure I was the only one on earth who was a christian and struggled with this. I cried for a long time to God and prayed to Him for help and hope. Well God delivered and led me to the blogs later that very day! I finally learned I was not alone. Ever since then I have been really battling like never before to try and repent of my ways and change into the man God wants me to be.

2.What specifically will you need to repent of (turn from)?
-Lust of guys
-Online Porn
-Fantasies about other guys while masturbating.

3.List ways your sexual behavior has effected you physically?
hmm I am not sure I know what to say. I have never been with another guy so dont really know what to answer. Or maybe I am misunderstanding the question? I guess you could say I have always hated the way I looked and wished I looked like other guys does that count? Sometimes I feel like its not worth getting more in shape because I am like who am I trying to impress? Other guys? Girls that I am not even attracted to? I dont know thats all I could come up with. Maybe I dont get the question or it does not apply?

4.List ways your sexual behavior has affected you mentally or emotionally.
Well I have really low self esteem and look down on myself. I have alot of self hate and sometimes think of myself as a freak. I am shy and am often afraid to talk at social events as I dont want people to know what I perceive to be the "real" me. This all started when I first started having these feelings and attractions to guys as before then I was not so shy. I sort of built a wall to hide my shame and guilt so others could not see the "real" me that I was so ashamed of and afraid they would see if I let them in. Basically because of my SSA and the probably wrong ways I have been dealing with it I do not have really any close friends because of my shame and hiding. Sure I have acquaintances but I have never allowed anyone in close enough to be considered a real friend IMO.

5.List any ways your sexual behavior has affected you spirituality.

-I have felt far from God at times and like there is no way God could love me.
-Felt like I was an abomination growing up in a very conservative christian school.
-Did not understand how I could be a christian and have these feelings.
-Afraid to join small groups at church as I felt my sin was to great and I would be judged. Seeing others open up I did not know how I would be able to.
-Filled with incredible shame and guilt.
-Felt I was a hypocrite for praying for healing and then lusting soon after.
-At times as a teenager wondered if I would go to hell because of my attractions.

6.Describe what your life will be like 5 years from now if you dont stop this behavior.
It will be the same as it is now. An unhappy life filled with hiding, guilt, shame, intense loneliness at times, and not many good things to look forward to.

7.You just described what your life will be like if you continue this behavior. Is this acceptable to you? Why or why not?

No its not acceptable to me. I cant continue on this path if I ever want to find happiness. I want to live the way God intended before my sinful nature or whatever messed everything up. I dream of someday having a wife and family but most of all I want to LIVE. I have been so afraid of my shame and guilt I feel like I have never really lived at all but instead have been in hiding my whole life. I want to be free. I want close friends. I want christian fellowship. I want to feel like I belong and am loved and accepted for who I am. I want to trust God like I know I should and really let it sink in that He loves even me.

8. List 10 reasons for remaining sexually pure and list 5 more each week after for the next 4 weeks:

(I sort of mixed sex and looking at porn for my list)

1.I want to honor God with my body.
2.I dont want the guilt that comes with failing.
3.Im tired of hiding my sins
4.The anxiety of being caught is to great
5.The disgust I feel for myself after looking at porn is not worth the 10 seconds of pleasure.
6.Its a dead end street looking at porn with no love or friendship gained from it.
7.I dont want to live in a fantasy world anymore.
8.Dont want any STD's
9.I dont want the shame.
10.If God ever blesses me with a wife it will be an amazing thing for me to be able to tell her despite all my temptations and struggles with SSA I never had sex with another guy.

I'll keep trusting You

2010-07-12T23:27:00.004-04:00

Stan who has a blog I frequent often sent me an email today about a blog post he thought I should read. Here is an excerpt from that blog post that I really liked:

"Once we come into agreement with one of Satan’s lies, we then start to live our lives and make decisions out of that lie. So let’s take one as an example: “I am gay and there is no way to be healed of homosexuality”. Let’s say you have come into agreement with that lie. How are you going to live your life? Are you going to seek healing? Are you going to seek out churches to love and help you through your struggle? Are you going to seek out groups of men to mentor you? Are you going to pray fervently for the Lord to walk you through your healing journey quickly?

No. It's highly unlikely you are going to do any of those things. What are you going to do? You are going to find a group of people who believe the same lie. You are going to seek out other relationships that are going to confirm that lie. You are going to have conversations with other people who are going to confirm that lie. You are going to separate yourself from anyone who doesn’t agree with you."

Check out the full blog article here. Its a great read and is all about the lies Satan tries to get us to believe. The article also gives ways on how to fight back against Satan's lies and for me of least the blog post was a really big encouragement to keep trusting God and to keep praying for healing and not to give up.

Anyways I had been feeling pretty discouraged about my struggle with SSA as you may have been able to tell based on that rather depressing song I posted yesterday. Just was feeling hopeless and depressed. In fact I did not even go to church yesterday. I just could not put on my fake smile and pretend I was fine.

I often wonder if change is really possible you know what I mean? I cant get a straight answer from anyone. Some say its a struggle that we must endure our whole life with little hope for healing. Others say after alot of intense therapy some measure of healing takes place and still others say they were healed instantly. Its all very confusing. I guess no one seems to know. Makes me wonder why God does not heal more of us instantly? He must be teaching us faith and trust by letting us struggle. Anyways I just read that blog today and I really liked what the blog had to say about not giving up on healing. We have to live like change is possible otherwise we will just give up and if we give up we are sure stay the same. That is something I really needed to hear! That is so powerful and true. Because if I think there is no hope for change I wont even bother trying. Which is what Satan would love. I needed to read this today.

I emailed my brother last night and told him the truth about how discouraged I am and how I feel hopeless and dont know if I will ever be healed. And he called me up last night and we talked for an hour. It was so awesome and he really encouraged me and told me not to give up. In my email I told him I feel like a freak and he said I am not a freak but just a sinner like everyone else. And he got upset when I said I wish I was normal because he said I am normal just because I sin and have struggles does not mean I am not normal and that everyone struggles with something. Anyways It was really something I needed and we talked about a bunch of other things like prayers and struggles and God. It was one of the deepest conversations we have ever had! So much better than the superficial conversations we used to have before he knew of my struggles. And he told me about some things he needs prayers for too. Basically we both were finally vulnerable and honest with each other! God is using this to bring us alot closer.

I now know why Satan tried his hardest to keep me from telling my brother for all this time. Like this article said Satan knew that my brother would give me support and courage so he kept feeding me the lies that my brother would reject me if he knew.

Anyways I am feeling better today than I did over the weekend and I am going to keep trusting in God that healing is possible. Dont know in what form healing will take place or when but I am going to put my hope in the God that I know loves me no matter what that He will transform me into the man he wants me to be.

Its Not

2010-07-11T18:44:00.000-04:00

This song seems like the story of my life sometimes.

Its Not
By:Aimee Mann
I keep going round and round on the same old circuit
A wire travels underground to a vacant lot
Where something I can't see interrupts the current
And shrinks the picture down to a tiny dot
And from behind the screen it can look so perfect
But it's not

So here I'm sitting in my car at the same old stop light
I keep waiting for a change but I don't know what
So red turns into green turning into yellow
But I'm just frozen here on the same old spot
And all I have to do is to press the pedal
But I'm not

People are tricky you can't afford to show
Anything risky anything they don't know
The moment you try - well kiss it goodbye

So baby kiss me like a drug, like a respirator
And let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
Where I get lost in space that goes on forever
And you make all the rest just an afterthought
And I believe it's you who could make it better
Though it's not
No it's not...
No it's not...

Wandering Thoughts for July 8th

2010-07-08T16:21:00.011-04:00

Hey all just another one of my mini update posts with a mishmash of random thoughts all in one post! :)

First a mini review for The Broken Image by Leanne Payne.

--I finished reading The Broken Image by Leanne Payne the other day. It was pretty good. One problem was half the book was about lesbians and the other about male homosexuals so alot of it did not apply to me. Still I learned a bunch from it and she had alot of theories and ideas as to why people have SSA.

I dont agree with everything in it though as she seems to guarantee healing from homosexuality which I just dont know if I can believe. Although she does not really say what healing means. So maybe her idea of healing is different than what mine would be. She says she has a certain prayer that she does that works 100% of the time but its to stressful for the actual struggler to pray and try to change himself as he has spent years praying for healing and struggling and cant believe fully in Gods healing so a counselor has to intercede and pray for him and really believe it. Anyways she says that but then in the next sentence says the prayer only works after many sessions of intense therapy. So it made me question did the prayer work at all or was it all the intense therapy?

One chapter I really learned alot from was on masturbation and the dangers of creating a fantasy world. It gave me alot to think about and I recognized myself in alot of what she wrote. Also the last chapter was all about prayer and worship and I found that amazing too. Anyways overall I liked it and gained some insight about myself from it. Would I recommend it to everyone? No I dont think so but it could still be a help to some. It seems the book may have been written more for counselors than the actual SSA struggler as she describes her counseling sessions and seems to be talking over the heads of the struggler and to the counselors at certain points of the book. Still I found alot of really useful stuff in the book.

--I am now reading Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas. Already I am liking it alot more than The Broken Image. He has a great writing style and just seems to get what this struggle is like as a struggler himself. I have only read the intro and most of chapter 1 but wow its like he was writing about me specifically in alot of what I read. He talks about how the Christian SSA struggler feels like he is the only one on earth who struggles with this and how he thinks no one in church could love him or understand, and that has been me for so much of my life. And that when SSA strugglers find others who share in the same struggle as them an enormous burden is lifted because you realize you are just a normal sinner and not some kind of super-sinner that is one of a kind that no one else could understand. That has been my experience. Since finding the blogs and talking to you all it has been amazing to not feel alone in this struggle with SSA! Anyways I will keep you updated on my progress in the book and let you know what I think when I am done. I have a feeling I am going to learn alot from this book.

--Two of my favorite blogs are closing down. :-( If you have not been to Karen's blog "Pursue God" or Jay's blog "Adventures of a Christian Collegian" check them out as they have a bunch of great posts and information about SSA on their blogs and be sure wish them luck on their new projects! I have learned alot from their blogs over the past few months.

--Really learned alot from a talk Dr. Mark Yarhouse gave about Sexual Identity and the Christian that Jeff posted on his blog. Check out the two part lecture if you have time I promise you its worth it! You can find the links to the lectures on Jeff's blog.

--And finally loved this post that Ody-Dan made on his blog posing the question Can SSA/Gay People Enjoy Straight Sex? How About Their Spouse? It is all about his life as a married man with SSA and goes into some very personal details of his sex life. These are things I have always wondered but likely would not ask someone so it was great to see how someone with SSA deals with these issues!

Ok thats all for now. Thanks for reading! :)

Caught In The In-Between

2010-07-06T15:59:00.004-04:00

When will I finally realize that God loves me how I am? I know that is the truth yet I always feel like I am a failure because of my SSA. I see the life of other guys at church who have wives, or GFs and they just seem so much more Godly than me. I know its not true and they have problems and sin areas as well but I dont know it just seems like they sin less to me. Of course I guess you can never tell from the outside. They could be struggling with things that I cant even imagine much like they have no idea of this huge struggle I have. I wish we all could be more open about our sins and weaknesses at church! I think if things were more out in the open at church it would really help people not feel shame for whatever sins they have done in the past or struggle with now. Why do we all wear masks and pretend we have it all together? Its like we are trying to impress each other and pretend we are better than we are which is ridiculous considering at church we are a gathering of Christians and God knows what we all are really like! If God who is perfect knows the real us, sins and all, and still loves us why cant we as weak sinful humans share our sins and struggles with each other and still love one another? Just something I have been thinking about.

This song I posted below has really been speaking to me. There are so many stupid things that at times I put before God. Even beyond SSA issues. Material things, electronic gadgets, and all the trappings of modern society that draw my attention away from the God who made me, loves me, and forgives me.

Love this line especially: "And we run, we run, to finally be set free
But we’re fighting for what we already have received"

The victory is already secure! Even if in this life my attractions never change at all I can be sure that I will be set free of these struggles eventually even if it is not until I reach heaven and God makes me new. Between now and then there will be alot of hard times and temptations, but there will be tons of good times too. I cant let this struggle define me as a person. Instead of worrying I have to put my trust in God who has already helped me so many times that I have lost count. I can either wallow in self pity about my struggles with SSA or live life and thank God for saving me and loving me. I choose to live life.

We are caught in the in-between but God has already set us free!

All The Pretty Things
by: Tenth Avenue North
We are, we are, we’re caught in the in-between
Of who we already are and who we’re yet to be
We’re looking for love but finding we’re still in need
It’s only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep
And we’re waiting but our eyes are wandering to
All this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I’m fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me

And we run, we run, to finally be set free
But we’re fighting for what we already have received
So we’re waiting , but our eyes are wandering to
All this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I’m fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me

We are, we are, we’re caught in the in-between
But we’re fighting for what we already have received
We are, we are, we’re caught in the in-between
But we’re fighting for what we already have received

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I’m fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me

Questions with no answers

2010-06-29T14:27:00.009-04:00

I dont know lately I am feeling very confused. I had a really good weekend, meet alot of new people, went to two BBQ's, church etc... I did not say to much as I never do but I still had fun and I did have some conversations and got to know some people a little better. While I dont talk to much I do listen. I heard a few gay related jokes at the BBQ's and it kind of hurt me a little. Of course none of them know that I struggle with SSA but it makes me wonder if they would even want to get to know me if they knew I struggled with this. I fear they would see me as some sort of freak. The jokes were nothing terrible but I just felt a little hurt by them. Its just that everyone at all these events I went to were married, engaged to be married or dating. I just feel like such a loser or something to always show up at these events alone. I imagine to myself that they look down on me and think something is wrong with me for being single while they are all happy with someone they love.

Sometimes I really wish I had pursued intimate relationships with guys in the past so I could know what it is like and be able to remember the time I spent with them. Than I got to thinking how I would have a better story to tell people now too about how I used to have sexual relationships with guys but now dont and how God must be working in my life. You know the typical "ex-gay" story that I hear about on sites like Exodus. As it is now my story is really boring and I have been the same way forever: single, celibate, and lonely. I am just a single, lonely guy that everyone pities but no one wants to befriend. Of course I know that God is probably happy I have not given in and had relations with another guy. I dont know sometimes I wonder. Is God really any more proud of me resisting these urges than he would be of a person not saying a swear or something? What I mean is it takes all my will power not to act on my feelings but does that make God happy or is He just indifferent about the whole thing and to Him its like someone not saying a little white lie or something?
I know these are terrible things to be thinking but sometimes I really do wish I would have been intimate with a guy in the past. I sometimes wonder why I even have a penis if I am going to be a virgin my whole life.

I am sorry if this post offends anyone. Just feeling really sexually frustrated right now and wondering if I can really struggle with this and keep up fighting my desires for the rest of my life. What is so easy to everyone else I know (getting married to a member of the opposite sex and having a family) seems impossible to me. I know on my own I cant and the only hope I have is God helping me if that is what He wants for me, and leading me to a woman who understands my struggles and yet somehow still is able to love me.

Of course I have to face the very real possibility that God wants me to be single my whole life. I really get panicked when I think of that. But I have to start facing it and it terrifies me. Who will nurse me to health if I get sick? Who will visit me at the hospital? Who will comfort me after a long stressful day? Who will love me more than any other and let me love them more than any other? Not to mention the needs we as humans have for touch which will be hard to meet if I am single for my whole life. The need for touch is already an area I am basically starving for right now, never mind 10 years from now! Just a few of the many questions swirling around in my head when I think of a lifetime of being single. But I have to trust God that if he wants me to be single he will provide even though to me it causes me panic and fear.

Anyways wow sorry for the brutally honest post I just had to vent and get my feelings out. Dont worry I am not about to do anything rash or foolish that I might regret or anything just thinking out loud.

Please Be My Strength

2010-06-28T12:35:00.003-04:00

This song is beautiful and is my prayer for today. I know I cant do this on my own but need Gods help and strength always.

Please Be My Strength
by: Gungor
I've tried to stand my ground
I've tried to understand
but I can't seem to find my way

like water on the sand
or grasping at the wind
I keep on falling short

please be my strength
please be my strenth
I don't have anymore
I don't have anymore

I'm looking for a place
that I can plant my faith
one thing I know for sure

I cannot create it
I cannot sustain it
It’s Your love that’s keeping (captured) me

Please be my strength...

at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I've fought the good fight of faith

I pray your glory shines
through this doubting heart of mine
so my world would know that You

You are my strength
You and You alone
You and You alone
Keep bringin me back home

P.S. Just fiddled with the new blogger templates a little and picked this one. I really like how it came out! Simple and clean!

Books

2010-06-24T08:58:00.009-04:00

Thanks for the recommendations and suggestions everyone to my post about SSA related books that I should read! Took me forever to decide which books to get. Hard to get a good feel of a book from the short samples they have on Amazon. Hopefully I made the right choices. I can always read the other ones later if I dont like these. Here are the books I ended up getting:

The Broken Image
by: Leanne Payne

and

Desires in Conflict
by: Joe Dallas

I will try to let you know what I think of them after I read them. I should be getting them from Amazon on Friday. Anyways thanks again for the replies and reviews you all gave me! Its appreciated.

Lifeguards on Duty

2010-06-20T19:50:00.015-04:00

So went to the beach this weekend with family and it was fun and amazing weather. Only problem of course was all the good looking guys wearing nothing but their bathing suits. For the most part I was able to ignore my lusts though and just have fun and enjoy the day but on occasion I confess I did have lustful thoughts and stared a little to long at times.

There was this weird thing though where I was trying to figure out why I was not attracted to females. There were two lifeguards both probably in their mid 20's one male and one female. Well the male was insanely good looking almost perfect and I was really attracted to him. God really blessed him thats for sure! I mean I was so attracted to him I feared to even look in his direction because I knew I would stare to long. There also was a female lifeguard who I know would have been equally attractive to a straight guy. Well like what always happens to me and what confuses me is I can tell when a woman is beautiful but I just dont seem to feel an attraction to her like I do with guys. I wish I felt an attraction and I actually tried to will myself to feel attracted to her this time. Sadly I had no real success in that though. Its funny I actually found myself glancing at the female lifeguard more than the male as I was trying to figure out why I was not attracted to this obviously insanely attractive female. I felt no lusts or attractions for her I was just studying the female body and also studying myself trying to search for any attractions for her. Of least it kept me from staring at guys I suppose lol.

Well I did not come to any grand conclusions about myself but I thought I would share. Just thought it was funny I glanced at her more than anyone even though I felt no attractions for her and the guy lifeguard was perfect. Oh well just a day in the life of my confused mind and body I guess.

Anyone have any SSA book recommendations?

2010-06-17T11:35:00.011-04:00

Hey all believe it or not I have never read any books on christians and homosexuality / SSA etc... Dont know why. I guess it was part of my denial/shame all these years. I have a $25 Amazon.com gift certificate that is burning a hole in my pocket so figured I would use it to buy a couple of books that may be a help to me instead of spending it on junk!

I was wondering if anyone has any recommendations on books about this issue? Here are a couple I was thinking about reading:

1.Growth into Manhood: Resuming the Journey
by:Alan P. Medinger

2. The Broken Image
by: Leanne Payne

Anyone read either of these books? Were they helpful at all? Did you experience any "healing" or whatever the right term is after reading them? Did you learn more about your self and this struggle? Were they a help?

If neither of these books are any good does anyone have any other book recommendations on SSA and homosexuality?

One problem for me in trying to find a book to read is alot of them seem to be for people who have been in same sex relationships in the past or currently are in one now. I have never been in one so not sure which books apply to me or not. Or maybe those books would still be helpful too?

Thanks guys for any recommendations!

Loss for Words

2010-06-14T17:22:00.026-04:00

Hmm have not posted anything in awhile really. So much of my blog was about me trying to get courage to finally tell some people in my life of my struggle that I am not sure what to post lately now that I have finally told two people. I still have ALOT of issues I am trying to work through so dont worry still will be posting often. Have just been trying to enjoy this small success for a little while as its taken me so long to get the courage to do this.

Sometimes I feel like I have so many issues to work on it just overwhelms me and I think they should just lock me in a mental institute and throw away the key! I have my Same Sex Attraction issues, my shyness, lack of confidence, low self esteem, lack of male friends, poor social skills, loneliness, the list goes on and on... But really I think all of it has been caused by my guilt of having SSA. Just wish I had dealt with all of this years ago as I sometimes feel its to late now or something and that maybe I am to much of a burden for anyone to want to be friends with now. I cant picture anyone wanting to hear all of my problems. Dont really know what to work on next the list is so long. I really want meaningful relationships but it just never seems to work out for me. Whenever people ask about me its as if I am stunned anyone would care about me or want to hear my opinion so I am at a loss for words and end up giving short answers that abruptly ends the conversation. Not to mention I never like to let people in for fear they will find out about my SSA.

I am still confused as to what healing is in regards to SSA as well. Maybe just me finally opening up to others about it is a form of healing? I dont know I still wish I was normal I know that. Life seems like its so much easier and happier for "normal" people when I see them at church. Plus it seems like so much of church life is built around married couples and families that I feel left out. I hope someday I can finally fully accept myself and be more confident.

Oh and here is a sort of confession about something that hurts me and confuses me even though I know it shouldn't. Often times I hear people at church saying "oh aren't so and so blessed by God that they have a new baby etc..." And I agree completely and do think they are blessed and I am happy for them when I hear it. But then when I get home I tend to think to myself what does that mean for me?? Does that mean I am not blessed by God since I have these SSA issues and dont have a wife and kids? Does God for some reason choose to bless some more than others? I just think to much I guess. I know that God does not want everyone to have a family though so maybe for some its a blessing to be single. Honestly I have never felt blessed by it though. So not sure what to think.

Sorry for rambling so much in this post. Just had alot on my mind. So ya I have alot to work on. Luckily my problems are not to much for God even though they at times are overwhelming to me.

Lord help me not to be overwhelmed with all of my problems. Sometimes it seems unfair to me that I have so many struggles but help me not to focus on that but instead focus on the blessings you have given me. Thank you for giving me the courage to tell some others of my struggles with SSA and please continue to work on me and make me into the man you want me to be. I love you Lord and trust You.

EDIT (6:40 PM):
In regards to blessings. Maybe its possible that some blessings are just not as easy to see as others. Maybe God is blessing me and others who struggle with SSA in a different way that is not so easy for us or other people to see like having a baby would be. Maybe He blesses me by my weakness? Since it forces me to be closer to Him and depend on Him even just to get through the day much more than I think I would depend on Him if I was "normal". Maybe I am blessed more than I could ever dream in ways I dont even realize? Maybe I would have fallen away as a Christian and think I did not need God if I did not struggle with SSA since everything would be so easy?? To have God use my weakness and struggles that the enemy tries to use to destroy me to instead draw me to Jesus would have to be one of the best blessings anyone could ask for wouldn't it? I am blessed indeed to have a God like that who puts my eternal welfare first above temporary comforts and pleasures.

This entire paragraph above was not in my original post. The ideas in it just suddenly came into my head about an hour after I made this post after I had left the computer and was getting some food for dinner. So I ran back to the computer and edited this post before I forgot what was flowing into my head. Maybe it was God speaking to me and answering some of my confusion??

Father's Love Letter- An Intimate Message From God To You

2010-06-12T08:06:00.005-04:00

Someone emailed me this the other day and it really spoke to me. Its so amazing how much God loves us!! Figured it may speak to others as well so I wanted to share it here:

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

I Did it!

2010-06-07T14:09:00.003-04:00

Wow I actually did it! As you may know I had never told anyone that I struggled with SSA and honestly never even considered it until I started reading other blogs and groups and made my blog. I just figured I would be shunned and no one could love me if they knew. Several people who post here really encouraged me and gave me advice on what to say and told me it would really be helpful not to hide my burden from everyone.

Well I decided to tell my brother (who is a Christian) and of course was really nervous. On the drive down to his house I prayed the whole time for courage and for a compassionate response. I had emailed him in advance thanks to the suggestion of someone here and told him I had something I needed to talk about that I was struggling with. So I got there and he asked if I wanted to get it over with since he could tell I was nervous. For a few minutes I could not say anything but I finally managed to say somewhat what I planned to say.

Well it went way better than I thought it would! Instead of shunning me like I feared he showed me incredible love and compassion! After we were done talking he prayed for me and gave me a hug. And then what was even better is he treated me the same as he always did for the rest of the day when we hung out and went out to eat and stuff and it was not awkward or anything. It feels amazing to be honest about this and still be loved/accepted. Thank you so much for the prayers and advice everyone! This really has changed my life as I finally dont have to carry this burden on my own and have someone in person to go to for support and prayers. I told him he could tell his wife too and the next day I had a great conversation with her as well and she also has been very encouraging. I never would have done this if not for the support of people from here so thanks!

Crumbling Walls

2010-06-05T06:04:00.000-04:00

A couple of months ago God led me to the blogs of other Christians who struggle with SSA. Reading the blogs and talking with others who struggled like me it was the first time in my life I did not feel alone in my struggle. It has given me courage that I did not even know I had and I have learned many things about myself and SSA. Well now God is leading me to the next step in healing. I am telling my brother of my struggle TODAY. He will be the first person I have ever told of my struggles with SSA. I am anxious, nervous, and excited. Dreading it, yet longing to be honest. I have no idea how he will react although I suspect it will go better than I fear. I am just trusting God that this is the right thing to do. I cant hide anymore from everyone and need the support of loved ones.

I am clinging to the promises of James 5:16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."
and of
Galatians 6:2 "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

I am really nervous about this as I have been hiding for so long. I would appreciate any prayers that you guys want to say for me that I have courage, can clearly explain my struggle, and that I am received with compassion and love. I wouldn't be doing this if it was not for the support you all have given me. God has blessed me by leading me to this community.

Well here goes I am off to his house shortly. I will report back on how it went when I get a chance.

P.S. I cant believe I am actually doing this! :)

Healing Begins

2010-06-03T13:34:00.009-04:00

This song has really been speaking to me about how we should not hide our sins and struggles but instead share our burdens with other christians to lighten our loads as we strive to try and be more like Christ.

Right now I am in a battle with myself. I want to finally share my burden yet I am afraid. I know its something I must do as I cant keep carrying this heavy burden on my own without the support of others in my life. Maybe this will be the weekend my walls finally come down? I hope so.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
Galatians 6:2

Healing Begins
by: Tenth Avenue North

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark

Day One

2010-05-30T14:35:00.003-04:00

I don't remember if I posted here that about a month ago I decided to go on a one week masturbation fast. I have told of least a couple of people about this but not sure if I posted about it here. Anyways I decided to do this after a time when masturbation was really controlling me. I felt that every time I was excited I had to listen to my body and do what it said. Basically instead of me controlling my body it was controlling me and I was sick of it. So I prayed and told God I was going to fast from masturbation for one week but needed His help. It was the first time in my life I ever even really tried purposefully not to do this. Sure there had been times when I had not done it for a couple of weeks but I was not actively trying to resist the urge when I had it, I just did not do it for whatever reason. Well I will admit that week was very difficult but I made a promise to God and whenever the urge came I prayed for strength and was able to endure it.

Well a surprising thing happened when the week ended I was not ready to stop the fast and decided to try to keep on fasting to see what would happen. One week went by, two weeks went by, three weeks went by then almost a month went by and I still had not masturbated. It was so strange to me and after the first week no where near as hard to resist as I thought it would be. For the first time in my life I felt in control of myself. I did not have to just do what my body wanted I could ignore it and the feeling would go away. Instead of the urges getting stronger like I thought they would they were getting easier to ignore.

Well having said all that I confess that I gave in last night. I was having terrible insomnia and could not sleep. It was hot, I was uncomfortable, and I was tossing and turning. It was around 1:00 AM I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep so I just gave in and was like forget it this always worked and helped me sleep in the past so I did it. And it did help and I slept like a baby...for about 4 hours. Then I woke up and the urge was even stronger then it was before so I did it again. The first time I did it without fantasies or lust because it had been so long. The problem was the second time however I did lust and have fantasies.

Anyways I learned some things from this. First of all even though my body says to me that doing this will be a release and a relief it is not true as my flesh just demands more and more. I mean here I went a whole month not doing this and then after doing it last night 4 hours later my body was demanding me to do it again and the urge was much stronger than before I gave in the first time earlier in the night. So its a lie that just doing it will be a relief. Sure it will be a temporary relief but it seems to me the more I do it the more my body demands I do it again.

Anyways I learned some self control over the last month and will try to use those lessons going forward. Also I learned more about my body and how it really loves attention and when you dont give it the attention it wants it will quiet down eventually but when you do give it attention it will crave even more.

I still am not totally sure masturbation is a sin if one can keep from lusting. Sometimes I am able to do it without lust and fantasies but that is a really difficult thing for me to separate from it. I do see some benefits in the act as in the past I have done it to avoid looking at porn or giving in to other temptations. So I still am not sure where I stand completely on the issue. I do know that its never good for my body to control me though and I know lusting and fantasies are sins. So I feel overall its not wise for me to masturbate often.

So anyways I failed last night but I asked God for forgiveness and I am starting new today. I am very thankful that I feel no guilt at all now that I asked God for forgiveness which is just really great! I just realized that sure I messed up but I am only human and I know God still loves me and forgives me.

Day one begins now!

What is ex-gay?

2010-05-28T13:15:00.011-04:00

I know this is probably a stupid question. But I see alot of people on the blogs and around the Internet using the term ex-gay and I am confused as to what it means. What exactly does the term ex-gay mean? Does that mean that a person does not have sexual relationships with guys but used to? Or does that mean you no longer are attracted to guys and once were? And if someone is like me and has never had a sexual relationship with a guy but has same sex attractions what does one call himself then? A never-gay who likes guys? lol :)

I just still dont know all the terms I guess. I really do wonder what ex-gay means though if anyone can enlighten me. I just dont know the correct terms or what to call myself I guess.

Did God Make Me Gay?

2010-05-27T07:56:00.006-04:00

I just found this new to me blog called "God's Love – Our Witness" a couple of days ago after Inge, the blog owner there, posted a very thought provoking comment to my blog.

So I explored her blog after reading the comment and I really liked this article she posted the other day titled "Did God Make Me Gay?" Here is a small part of the article that spoke to me the most:

While God walked this earth in human flesh as Jesus Christ, He made clear that He identifies with those who suffer because of the ravages of sin in this world. He healed the sick, the lame, the blind, the lepers. He taught that their conditions were not necessarily the result of their personal choices. And if Jesus walked this earth today, He would identify with the gay people of the world, not condemning them, but drawing them to Himself, just like He drew the outcasts of society two thousand years ago.

We live on a planet that demonstrates the effects of sin – not necessarily particular sins, but sin in general. The Apostle Paul tells us that the “whole creation groans together” under the curse of sin, waiting for the deliverance that comes when Christ returns to this planet again. And a homosexual orientation is just one of the many and varied effects of sin on this planet. That does not mean that homosexually oriented persons are any more sinful than heterosexually oriented persons. It just means that their road in life is more difficult in some respects than that of a heterosexually oriented person in otherwise similar circumstances. And with more difficulty comes more grace.

Anyways be sure to check out the whole blog post there as this is just a tiny portion of it and I thought it was a really good post.

Wandering Thoughts for May 26

2010-05-26T09:28:00.002-04:00

Just a few mini-updates and links that I like this week.

- Just bought the new Tenth Avenue North cd called "The Light Meets The Dark" and I really like it. Its the first cd of theirs I have purchased. May buy the other one at some point too. The main theme of the CD is about sharing your struggles with others and not hiding your sins. So ya I cant seem to get away from God telling me to open up about my struggle with some people in my life as I still have not. I know that I should and I am working on it.

- Speaking of opening up I really liked the newest post on Thom's blog entitled "Has Anyone Seen My Burden?" that is also about the same subject of sharing your burdens with other Christians like it says to do in the Bible.

- I just finished reading Ravi Zacharias' book "Cries of the Heart" today. I really liked it overall although I found some parts a little dry. I especially liked the last two chapters "the cry of a lonely heart" and "the cry of God for His people".

- I got my next book that I am planning to read from Amazon.com in the mail today! Perfect timing! It is "The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom" by Henri J.M. Nouwen. I have already skimmed a few pages and it looks really interesting. Each page has a topic taken from his journals during a really hard time in his life when he was battling depression and loneliness. I am looking forward to reading it. I have heard that one of his struggles in life, not really known by the general public until his death, was with same sex attractions. So I am interested all the more in this book and to read the thoughts of a fellow struggler!

Here is a verse for the week that has really been speaking to me:

I Peter 5:7 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."

That is something I am trying to work on. There is no use worrying all the time about what may or may not happen to me tomorrow, 1, 5, or 10 years from now. Its in God's hands and I am in God's hands. I know God loves me so however my life turns out in the future I have to trust Him that He has a plan. He has shown his amazing love and faithfulness to me time and time again even though I don't deserve it and have failed Him many many times. Yet He keeps picking me up, forgiving me, and dusting me off when I fail. I am amazed by His love and how He cares so much for a sinner like me.

Hope everyone has a good week.

The Awesome Weekend That Almost Wasn't

2010-05-23T18:35:00.014-04:00

Wow God does answer prayers. I of course knew this already but this weekend it was so obvious it was like God was shooting fireworks in the air so I would know it was Him answering me. Friday night I was extremely depressed and lonely. I prayed very earnestly for God to provide for my loneliness and help me get through the weekend. I was not very optimistic about anything happening though I have to admit. Well on Saturday I was supposed to go to a family get together that was about 2 hours away at a relatives house and was going to just not go figuring no one would even miss me if I stayed home. I knew I would be the only single one there and that everyone else would have wives/husbands and most would have kids. Well I did end up forcing myself to go even though I tried to convince myself not to with every excuse possible. Or maybe it was Satan trying to convince me not to go so that God could not answer my prayer and I would be alone all weekend? I dont know. So anyways I went to the family party and it was a great day and the food was amazing and it was not as bad as I feared. Yes I was indeed the only single one there so did feel funny but I made the best of it and still enjoyed myself. Plus did I mention the food was amazing? :) That party alone probably would have been enough for me to make me happy and not feel so lonely for the weekend. But God had other plans.

Anyways onto the answered prayer part. Well pretty much as soon as I got to the family gathering my brother, who had arrived earlier, asked me if I wanted to go over his friends house (who I also know) later that night after the family party and watch a playoff game with him and a few friends, stay over his house, and then go to his church the next day. Well this just pretty much came out of nowhere so I was surprised. I knew instantly it was God answering my prayer. Even though I had no change of clothes with me and it was all last minute I said yes! I had alot of fun and really enjoyed myself. I have known them all for awhile since we have met at church and have crossed paths many times elsewhere. I enjoyed watching the game with them and I just felt "normal" all night. I did not have to think of any of my problems and was just a guy like them. I was thanking God to myself all night for so clearly answering my prayer. Church today was great too and I only just got home a couple of hours ago.

So I went from being alone and having no plans all weekend to being busy and with people all weekend! Wow God is pretty crazy sometimes. I am still stunned at it all and how God is so good to me. I am so glad that I forced myself to go to the family party as if I had not God would not have been able to make the rest of the weekend happen!

Anyways I am exhausted now as I did not sleep to great on the couch last night but I am tired and happy! I gotta take a shower now though as I still have on the same clothes I had on Saturday morning and I probably dont smell to great! lol :)

Promises

2010-05-19T11:44:00.001-04:00

Here is the update about Sunday that I promised to post for anyone interested. I was going to post it yesterday but was not feeling well so never got around to it. Sunday was great and let me calm down from the stress I put on myself Saturday. The weather was a beautiful 68 degrees or so and sunny. I woke up early from a rather restless sleep you know the kind where you wake up every hour or so and notice the clock every time and keep thinking "will this night ever end?" So after getting up I went out to a local bakery had a fresh blueberry muffin and a coffee and then went to church. It was a great church service that really encouraged me. The service was all about how the promises of God can take time to fulfill because God is not on our timetable. The pastor talked about how God promised Abraham a son and it took 25 years for the promise to be fulfilled but eventually it was. The pastor said how the time between the promise and the promise being fulfilled is the most dangerous time for us as we doubt and fear that maybe God has forgotten us. We may grow impatient like even Abraham did when he tried to make the promise happen on his own by having a baby about 12 years after God promised him a son with another woman. That one act of trying to rush God's promise along has caused thousands of years of war and strife. Thats what can happen when mankind tries to do the job of God!

So I took from this message that maybe someday I will be healed but its not on my time table but God's. And maybe it is never to happen I dont know. But God is good either way and if its His will to heal me then it will happen in His time not mine. It is not something I can force. I may grow impatient like Abraham did but I have to have faith that God has a plan for me whether I am healed or not. I know for me it would be wrong to give into my temptations just because I am impatient at God's timing and may be attracted to males and want to give in to my desires. Maybe someday God will provide me with a wife in His time who will understand my struggles and love me anyways. Or maybe God will heal me completely. Or maybe neither thing will happen and I will be single and celibate my whole life. If that happens I have to trust God will provide for the loneliness I have at times in other ways. The point is I have to learn to leave it in God's hands and not worry so much. I have a real problem with worry. I go over every possible outcome, imagine what my life will be like if I am never to marry, and I just over-think everything. I have to leave it in God's hands. That is something that is probably easier said than done for me but it is something I have to work on and was glad I took it from this message at church. Anyways this message at church was just what I needed to hear at the time. God has a funny way of speaking to us just when we need it the most dont you think??

Restless Dreams

2010-05-17T11:17:00.001-04:00

Oh man all of a sudden I just remembered a dream I had last night. I know this is my second post today but I had to post to get my mind off of it. I wish I did not remember it as it seemed so right and real in my dream. In the dream for some reason there was a bunch of guys on the beach and we were at a party or something. I think it was a party for me I dont know why. But anyways everyone was congratulating me for something and then when one of the guys congratulated me he suddenly kissed me passionately on the lips and it was so real holy cow. It seemed so real and remembering the dream now I can almost feel his lips on mine but it obviously was not real as I have never had a party at the beach or kissed a guy. So ya this sucks wish I did not remember that dream as it was so real and I am sad to say I enjoyed it so much in my dream. I guess Satan must be tempting me even in my sleep. Why oh why did I have to remember it?

This dream reminds me its been awhile since I looked at porn not something I want to be thinking about. I have to think about something else. I gotta go for a walk. I gotta clear my head. I gotta pray. I think this is spiritual warfare because I learned alot in church on Sunday. I think Satan wants me to forget everything I learned.

Lord forgive me for having unpure fantasies even in my dreams and help me to get this out of my mind. Please protect my dreams from the enemy as I sleep at night and help me realize this is all just a trick to deceive me.

On the tip of my tongue...

2010-05-17T06:34:00.000-04:00

Hey all just thought I would update you about the weekend. On Saturday around noon I talked to my brother on the phone and he asked if I wanted to come down to his house for the day. I said yes and thought this might be the perfect chance to tell him about my struggles with SSA. It probably would have been but I was not able to do it. My fears took over and I could not say the words. While I had a fun day at my brothers house most of the time I was there I was agonizing in my head over whether to tell him of my struggle or not. The whole day it was on the tip of my tongue and I wanted to spit it out but could not. So it kind of ruined alot of the day since my heart was racing and I was very nervous because this was hanging over me and I wanted to talk about it but could not. I wonder if he noticed I was acting weird for alot of the time? Many times I tried to begin the conversation but then I always changed the subject and started talking about something else because I was to nervous.

Man this is a hard thing for me to do. "Normal" people dont know how lucky they are. Its not like one day they have to get up and tell the world they like the opposite sex. I am shy to begin with and private so I hate drawing attention to myself and making this big dramatic announcement is not something I enjoy at all. Plus who knows the reaction. I think he will be supportive but maybe I am totally wrong and he wont understand at all and will think I chose to be like this. Plus I am not the best at explaining things and may stumble over my words and say something that he misunderstands. Maybe I should send him an email after I tell him with more details in case I forget to say something? Has anyone here ever done that?? Or maybe that would be weird?

This is really stressful and I cant wait until it is over with. Not sure when the next chance will come but I hope I am able to do it. I just cant even have fun hanging out with him at this point as I just spend the day looking for a chance to open up but then I am to afraid to when the chance comes. Neo has posted here several times that I may have to email him and say I have something I need to talk about in person that I struggle with as a way to force me to talk when I see him. I am seeing more and more that he is probably right as I just cant seem to get the courage to start the conversation on my own in person. Its weird as I have never had any trouble talking with my brother before but this is just something I have been hiding so long and been afraid about for so long that my anxiety and worry is very high and I am stressed to the max about it.

Your prayers for me would be appreciated as I am trying to finally be honest about this in my life but its hard for me and it may take me a little more time than I had hoped.

I typed up a bunch about Sunday for this post too but it made this post really long so I will post about Sunday later. But overall Sunday was a great day of peace and learning that I am thankful the Lord provided me after the stress I put on myself from the day before. More about Sunday tomorrow.

Somewhere Down the Road

2010-05-13T15:16:00.006-04:00

Thanks to a post by Daemon on His Blog about things he wonders about I decided to make a list of my own. So thanks Daemon for the inspiration! First of all this song I posted by Amy Grant has meant alot to me since the first time I heard it when it was released awhile back. It has been the cry of my heart on many occasions when I was REALLY down and confused and had no one to talk to about my feelings. Its all about asking "why" questions to God and how we may not get answers on earth to the questions we wrestle with but that someday we will understand.

Ok here is my list (sorry if its a little bit on the serious side but these are the questions of my heart):

I wonder...

Why I am attracted to guys?

Would I be married now if I was straight?

Is there a girl all alone out there somewhere I was supposed to be with?

Why God does not heal me and make me "normal"?

Will I ever "grow up" and feel like a man?

Will others accept me if they know about my attractions?

Will I ever be able to accept myself?

How does God decide which prayers to answer?

Why can I tell when a woman is beautiful but still am not attracted to her?

Would I be far away from God if I did not struggle with this because life would be to easy for me?

Why do some seem to have so much and others so little?

Why do I sometimes do the things I hate? (Paul beat me to this question!)

What would my life have been like if I had told people when I was younger about my attractions?

How can God stand to look at me never-mind love me after I have sinned so much?

Will I still be alone because of my SSA's in 10 years when pretty much everyone I know will likely have a family?

Why is it that I want to have closer friends but am afraid to open up to others?

Why am I so shy?

Why does everyone seem to misunderstand me?

Does God have a plan for me or will I be bouncing from one thing to the next seemingly randomly for the rest of my life?

If I am never to marry will God provide for the loneliness in my life?

Will anyone hold my hand when I die?

Why do I worry so much when I know God is in control?

Why does God sometimes seem so far away?

Why does God sometimes seem so close?

When we die and ask God all these questions will everything finally make sense?

and finally...

I wonder if God gets sick of every new person in heaven asking a million questions? :-)

Waiter, Check Please!

2010-05-11T09:36:00.006-04:00

Hi all. Just figured I would post again and give you an update about my weekend after not posting for awhile other than that video I posted last night. I spent alot of time reading the Bible and listening to worship music over the weekend. I also am reading "Cries of the Heart" by Ravi Zacharias and am finding it really good and learning alot. Overall I am feeling really good and closer to God than I have in a long time! I hope this feeling never leaves.

I had a good mother's day weekend with my parents, brother, and sister-in-law. Was great spending time with everyone. We all went out to dinner for mother's day and of course the waiter was a good looking guy. It always sort of puts me in a bad mood when my SSA's kick in when I least want them too especially in situations like this where I am trying to have fun and spend time with my family. But I mean it did not really bother me to much. In the past I really would have beat myself up over having these feelings and it would have ruined my whole day. But instead this time I just sort of realized this is part of me for good or bad and its not to bad to just be attracted to someone as long as I dont lust over them so I did not let it bother me to much. I think I have come to this conclusion after reading the blogs of so many of you. So I thank you guys! I guess its just part of this struggle and I may have to always deal with it.

I am sort of glad that my family does not know sometimes about my same sex attractions though because of situations like this. I feel I would be very embarrassed if they saw me glancing out of the corner of my eye at him. How do you all handle this who are more "out" than me? Does your family or friends comment when a really good looking guy walks by and by reflex you look at him without even thinking like a straight guy may look at a beautiful woman? Is it embarrassing? or how do you handle it? Or maybe they never say anything? I am just really curious since I am hoping soon to tell them of my struggles and want to be prepared for what life will be like when they know.

John Piper Video: Why is homosexuality wrong?

2010-05-10T16:41:00.001-04:00

Last night I read a bunch of John Piper's blog and came across this video that was just posted in May 2010. Check it out if you have not seen it. (You can read the transcript here)

Its only a short 7 minute video but I just really liked how he laid out his beliefs on this issue and how he seemed very empathetic with what those of us who struggle with SSA go through. Plus I just liked hearing how he does not see it as the worst of all sins like alot of churches seem to but as "a part of a brokenness that I share." I have never read his famous book "Desiring God" but have heard great things about it. I think I am going to order it soon!

Anyways there are a bunch of great things on John Piper's blog if you have never checked it out. Not just on homosexuality but on tons of topics.

What You Already Own

2010-05-07T09:47:00.003-04:00

Thanks for anyone who prayed for me after my last post. I am feeling alot better today. I woke up this morning and the sun was shining the birds were singing and I was thankful to be alive. I really think I have to step away from thinking about this struggle so much. It has been consuming my every thought for the last couple of weeks. So I am going to take a break from posting for a few days and just be with the Lord and forget my problems. Its just all of this is pretty new for me because I have been in denial for years and have never talked about this stuff with anyone before I found your blogs and started posting here about a month ago. So reading everyones blogs, posting, and chatting over this last month has just been alot to digest. Although I have struggled with SSA since age 12 or 13 I have only really finally admitted to myself about my attractions recently and been dealing with this part of me for a month while most of you have been dealing with it for years. So all of this information is overwhelming for me sometimes.

Often I wish I would have had the courage to face this years ago instead of hating myself so much for having these same sex attractions that I buried it and could not face it. But I am thankful that God is helping me to start to deal with this now. I guess I am finally ready to process this. I mean just two months ago I would be absolutely horrified to be writing this stuff and admitting this huge struggle of mine. So I must be slowly growing a little of least right? Before finding these blogs a month ago I always figured I was the only Christian that struggled with this yet still was trying to live for God. Satan whispered to me for years that no one could ever understand or love me if they knew. I realize now he did that to isolate me so he could toy with me and tempt me with ease. I just have to realize it takes time to digest some of this stuff and I cant expect to just instantly be able to process everything and tell everyone I know of my struggle. God is definitely working in me though and helping me to realize how much He loves me and how I should not be so afraid to tell others in my life so I dont have to battle on my own. If God can still love me even though he knows everything about me and knows how I have failed so much than surely others can love me too!

I have been reading the Bible, listening to worship music and trying to get my mind off my problems alot since my last post. As I said earlier in the week I am reading through Romans right now. Well I just read Romans 12:1-2 and was really moved to prayer. Here it is:

1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Here is the prayer that I wrote in my journal and prayed after reading these verses:

"Lord I give you freely what you already own anyways, my body, and thank you for creating it. I am sorry I have not done the best job taking care of your creation and that it is so sinful and confused. Please take me as I am and transform me into the person you want me to be. If these same sex attractions are never to leave me help me to accept them as a weakness or thorn that you want me to have in order to show my faith and love to You all the more by resisting the things that my body may want. I cant do it on my own Lord so help me depend on you to get me through the temptations that the Enemy tries to place before me. Use my struggle to help me glorify, love, praise, and depend on you more than I would if I did not struggle with this. If you do see fit to someday heal me Father help me never forget the lessons I am learning now about trusting You no matter what. I love you Lord and I am sorry for sometimes doubting You and for my many sins and weaknesses. I am so unworthy of your love and yet you love me even more than I will probably ever realize."

Once again I thank you all for the prayers, encouragement, and advice you have given me. We are all at different stages on this journey and its great to be able to get advice and prayers from each other! God has blessed me by letting me get to know you through your posts and blogs.

Overwhelmed

2010-05-05T12:44:00.007-04:00

Hey all. I just really need your prayers right now. I feel so overwhelmed with life and my struggles. I am afraid to tell others of my struggles with SSA, and afraid to keep it in. I feel like I waited to long and now its impossible to tell people. They will think I am strange for waiting so long to admit this. I dont feel like a man but a child. I feel like my whole life has been spent in hiding and I dont know how to un-hide.

I sometimes wish I could go back in time and try to re-live my life with what I now know. I gotta stop doing that as it just drives me crazy thinking how things could be different. I have to forget the past pain and loneliness and try to make future joy. I just hope I can someday find some happiness and peace. And I really dont even know where to start which is one of the reasons I am so overwhelmed. I do know I need to form closer relationships with other Christians though. Please pray for me that God will lead me to some Christians that I can form closer relationships with and that I can find some peace. I just am so confused about everything.

Wandering Thoughts for May 3

2010-05-03T18:28:00.006-04:00

Hey everyone just figured I would post a little update on some past posts to try and get me to do some things and update you on whats been going on in my oh so exciting life lol. If this is boring I apologize.

1. I have not been doing a good job reading John Owen's book like I said I would. Sometimes my eyes seem to glaze over while reading it and I find I have to re-read what I just read. This is terrible as its really good but for some reason my mind seems to get distracted when I read it. I have to pick a time when I am very alert and can really focus on it.

2. I finished reading the book of Psalms last week. I really enjoyed reading it and learned so much of Gods love for us! It also was really amazing to see the Psalmists cry out to God and not give up praying even when they were faced with overwhelmingly difficult situations and it seemed God was not hearing them. I am glad I am not the only one who sometimes has doubts and pleads with God! If God saw fit to include it in the Bible you know its a normal part of being human. It also was so encouraging to see even with the doubts and struggles how the Psalmists still kept on loving and believing God and how even when they failed God still kept loving them and forgiving them! As I read through Psalms I wrote down in my journal some of my favorite verses from Psalms and there were tons of them! There are pages and pages in my journal with nothing but verses from Psalms written on them. It slowed me down a bit writing them down but i find when I write I absorb what I am reading better and seeing my favorite verses written in my own hand writing makes it seem more personal. Does that make any sense? It is probably the first time I have read the entire book of Psalms. I have never been very faithful at reading the Bible. That is something I am striving to change. In church this week the sermon was all about the importance of reading the Bible and how it changes you. This sermon could not have come at a better time as it encouraged me to keep reading. After I finished Psalms last week I decided to read Romans. I am on Chapter 9 now. I think I have decided Paul is my hero.

3. Thanks to God I am still doing good on the porn front despite my recent temptations. My sleep has been better and my dreams are forgettable which is good. Every day is a battle but the past few days the temptations have been alot less!

4. I still have not told anyone about my SSA struggles. I am having a hard time finding the right time. With mothers day this weekend it does not seem right either I dont want to be like "Happy Mothers day! BTW I like guys!" lol. Not that she will be the first person I tell but it just seems like a bad weekend. Or maybe I am just using it as yet another excuse not to open up? I dont know. I intend to follow some of the advice that you all gave me. And really would like to tell my brother of my struggle sooner rather than later. I ask for prayer for me on this front that I have courage and that I am responded too in a compassionate manner.

5. I want to thank Jay from http://collegejay.blogspot.com/ for linking to one of my posts. There has been some great discussions in that post and alot of new visitors here thanks to the link to it! So thanks Jay and welcome all new readers!

Ok thats all for now. I want to thank you all for the prayers, encouragement, and love you have shown me. It really means alot to me and I thank God for you all everyday when I pray!

Your brother in Christ,

-AJ

My soul cries out

2010-05-02T19:19:00.013-04:00

Really love this worship song by Gungor. I pray that Jesus is slowly recreating me into something new like this song says!

Dry Bones
by: Gungor

My soul cries out
My soul cries out for You

These bones cry out
These dry bones cry for You
To live and move
Only You
Can raise the dead
Lift my head up

Jesus, You’re the one who saves us
Constantly creates us into something new
Jesus surely you will find us
Surely our Messiah will make all things new
Will make all things new

Life is breaking out
Is breaking out
Life is breaking out
Is breaking out
Is breaking out

And love is breaking out
is breaking out
is breaking out

Down but not out

2010-04-30T09:15:00.002-04:00

Hey guys

Did you ever just wake up depressed? Well thats what happened to me today. I was just thinking about church last week. As I have posted before I am a really shy person so dont have many friends. I really tried to give off a friendly vibe and try to talk to some people after the service but everyone pretty much seemed to ignore me. So I ended up just drinking coffee alone in the corner. There is this friend of my brothers who I have met before and I was drinking coffee after church downstairs talking to my brother and he came up and they were talking and I said hi and tried to work my way into the conversation but he pretty much just seemed to ignore me. I dont know that just really hurt me. It just seems that no one ever gives me a chance. I think everyone misunderstands me and they think I want to be alone because I am shy and quiet. The truth is I ache for friends. I guess people must be able to tell I am needy or something so they avoid me. Maybe I dont deserve friends thats what I sometimes think. I would probably just be a burden anyways. Its my own fault anyways for building up this wall to protect myself from letting others know of my struggle with SSA. The wall is to thick now I fear I never will break through it.

I'm just a coward. After all this time I still cant even get up the courage to tell my family of my struggles with SSA never mind anyone else. Although last week I came closer than I ever have to telling my brother and his wife after the cookout when everyone else left. But they had alot of work to do so I chickened out because I did not want to take up their whole day. I just dont like to be a burden and I fear our relationship will change once they know. It would kill me if after my brother knew we did not hang out because we are friends but instead because he feels bad for me.

Anyways I cant really think of a way to end this post. If anyone has any advice on how to open up to others and tell them of my struggles with SSA I would love to read it! Sometimes I just dont know how to start the conversation like I dont know if I should just mention it in the course of a normal conversation or be all serious and say I have something I am struggling with and need to talk or whatever. But any advice at all anyone may want to share on how to tell others about this struggle I would really appreciate reading.

Ok thanks for listening.

(Hey btw did anyone get the pun in my post title??) :-)

Whispers

2010-04-29T06:27:00.000-04:00

Last night I was reminded about just how good Satan is at tempting us. As I was surfing the net a thought popped in my head about how good I have been lately not looking at porn. It went something like this:

"Wow I am doing pretty good have not looked at porn in awhile and right now I am not even really missing it." Then suddenly I could almost hear the whisper of the master of lies: "Why not just look at a few pictures? Nothing to serious just as a reward for how good you have been. No one will ever know and it wont hurt anyone. Plus you deserve this."

I was horrified! Satan was using my own pride against me and trying to get me to reward myself for not looking at porn... by looking at porn!! Its so twisted. I'm so twisted. I immediately prayed and asked Jesus to take these thoughts from me and protect me from Satan's lies. This time I was successful in resisting, thanks to God not me, but its a reminder that I always have to be on-guard. Satan will use any opportunity to speak his lies and try to ensnare me.

I have been under attack with temptations alot lately, even as I sleep. Satan is working over time. I really wish he would just take a day off and let me be. :( Oh well I guess the good news is God doesn't take a day off either. Please pray for me that these temptations will lessen and I will be able to recognize when a thought is just another of Satan's lies.

Disappointment with God

2010-04-27T09:54:00.003-04:00

About a month ago I finished reading a book by Philip Yancey called "Disappointment with God". I was feeling pretty depressed and sort of angry at God when I read this book. In the book Yancey poses three questions about God. Is God unfair, Is He silent, and is He hidden. To try and answer these questions Yancey talked about Job for a good portion of the book. Here was a man who was one of Gods favorites and yet he was put under intense trials and suffering not for anything he did wrong but because God wanted to prove to Satan that Job would love him even in pain. Here is one passage of Yancey's book that really hit home for me:

For Job, the battleground of faith involved lost possessions, lost family members, lost health. We may face different struggle: a career failure, a floundering marriage, sexual orientation, a body shape that turns people off, not on. At such times the outer circumstances-the illness, the bank account, the run of bad luck-will seem the real struggle. We may beg God to change those circumstances. If only I were beautiful or handsome, then everything would work out. If only I had more money-or at least a job-then I could easily believe God.

But the more important battle, as shown in Job, takes place inside us. Will we trust God? Job teaches that at the moment when faith is hardest and least likely, then faith is most needed. His struggle presents a glimpse of what the Bible elsewhere spells out in detail: the remarkable truth that our choices matter, not just to us and our own destiny but, amazingly, to God himself and the universe he rules.

Yancey goes on to say:

All the reasons for disappointment with God that I have mentioned in this book, as well as all cancers, all deaths, all broken relationships, all the collected groanings of our savage planet-all these imperfections will be wiped away. We may at times question God's wisdom and lose patience with his timetable. But all the prophets' lavish promises will someday come true, and we, you and I, are the ones selected to help bring this about.

Why the delay? Why does God let evil and pain so flagrantly exist, even thrive on this planet? Why does he let us do slowly and blunderingly what he could do in an eye blink?

He holds back for our sakes. Re-creation involves us: we are, in fact, at the center of his plan. The Wager, the motive behind all human history, is to develop us not God.

This really blew me away. Some of it is stuff I knew already but for some reason I understood it better this time. I sometimes question (ok often question) why God does not just heal me of these homosexual feelings instantly. But it could be God is more interested in seeing how I show my faith and obedience to Him despite these feelings than He is in providing me with a quick fix. If I did not have this thorn in my side maybe I would never realize how weak I am and how in need I am of Jesus's sacrifice, love, and forgiveness. After all God has given me so much why do I always focus on the negatives? He gave me life, a place to live, food to eat, and his very Son died for me.

So I choose to trust God and continue on this path of resisting my same sex attractions with Jesus's help and love. Its not easy and I am sure I will mess up many times. Its alot harder then giving in but no one ever said this walk would be easy. But God has shown me how much He loves me time and time again and I know He will be by my side as I struggle with this and pick me up from the dust when I fail.

Anyways if you are feeling Disappointed with God or even with yourself I highly recommend this book. It has been a great help for me and I find myself going back to it often.

Better

2010-04-25T09:24:00.005-04:00

Feeling a bit better this morning. I slept on an air mattress with my bare feet hanging off the end and my brother has forced hot air heat here and I guess my feet were hanging right over the vent when the heat came on this morning. I was cold so that was a great way to slowly wake up having warm air blow on my cold feet and making me warm and toasty. Even had a bit of a dream right before I woke up about laying in the sun that i think the warm air on my feet caused. I guess little things make me happy lol. :) Getting ready to head out to church and worship our amazing, forgiving, loving God! Having a family cookout after so today should be good.

One day at a time.

Sorry to everyone reading all this I probably post to often. I know from my posts here you all must think I never stop talking in person. Hopefully I have not scared everyone off. I am maybe to dramatic here. Its funny because in person I am really shy and reserved. But actually thats just on the outside inside I over think everything and am very dramatic and take things personally. I am maybe to sensitive. I need to get my thoughts out so i post them here instead of letting them drive me crazy. Oh and if you think this is bad you should see my journal. lol :-)

Hope everyone has a good day.

...

2010-04-25T01:12:00.001-04:00

I am at my brothers house for the weekend. Its 1:12 AM and i am on my laptop. I am really feeling very down. I just am so tired of it all. I know i should be over all this and just accept the fact I will be alone forever and realize its good to suffer for the Lord but i guess i am just immature for my age. I am a failure at life and love. Sometimes i really wonder whats the point in fighting what i am? I just really long for human touch right now so much. The only human touch i get is maybe a quick hug hello or goodbye. Nothing more than that and i guess i never will get more.No one to fall asleep with and stay warm with on a cold winter night or to rub my shoulders when i am stressed (like I am now). I just always will be the third wheel hanging around happy couples of family and friends and realizing at the end of the day I have to go home alone.

Seeing how happy my brother and his wife are makes me jealous and i hate feeling that. I am happy for them beyond belief but i guess jealous of their happiness because deep inside feel i never will be allowed to find love. Dont know if that makes sense.

sorry for the depressing post i just had to let it out.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow though. Maybe that will brighten my mood. ok i am gonna try to get some sleep.

Lord have mercy on your lonely child. Please give me some hope and peace. I am trying to trust You Jesus.

Set me free

2010-04-24T10:01:00.002-04:00

I love blasting the song "Free" by Switchfoot really loud and singing it at the top of my lungs. Oh and can't forget the air guitar too! :) It really speaks to me as there are so many areas in my life where I want freedom. First I long to be free of these same sex attractions, I don't know if that will ever happen completely but I still believe God can work miracles. If that is not to be though then I would love to have the freedom to tell those I love of my struggle and for them to love me the same. I want to bulldoze this prison wall I created around myself and be free to open up to others.

I know I am free to do that and tell people of my struggle at anytime but I guess like the song says "The chains that hold me back inside are the prisons of my mind". I have been hiding my pain and struggles for so long that the chains seem pretty heavy. But of late I am starting to wonder if that is an illusion and it could be they are really rusty and weakened. Maybe Satan has just been whispering and lying to me about how strong these chains are and how no one could ever love me if they knew my secret struggle so he can keep me alone in my prison where he can watch me suffer and tempt me easier.

Please pray for me that God will provide me the courage I need to finally tell some people in my life of my struggles with SSA and that they will respond in a loving way. And that I can form closer relationships with other Christians who will just see me as one of them. A child of God who is sinful and broken but trying to find my way home.

This song is my prayer today and always.

Free
by: Switchfoot

I've got my back against the wall
But I still hear the blue sky call

The chains that hold me back inside
are the prisons of my mind

- Chorus -
free,
come set me free
down on my knees
I still believe you could save me from me
come set me free
come set me free
inside this shell
there's a prison cell

I try to live the light of day
why would I do what I hate

But when I try to reach above
I only I hurt the ones I love

there's a hole in the neighborhood
where the shadows fall

there's a hole in my heart but my hope
is not in me at all

I had a dream that my chains were broken
broken, broken, broken open  
free

Some Wandering Thoughts for April 23

2010-04-23T08:32:00.001-04:00

Last night while brushing my teeth before bed I got some amusing wandering thoughts in my head and since that is the name of my blog I figured I would share them with you!

Thought #1 while brushing my teeth: Maybe I should become a monk. Would be great to run away from all my problems and get to wear a cool brown robe like a Jedi Knight.

Thought #2 as I spit out my toothpaste: Hmm wait I see two problems with this idea:

Im not a Catholic so dont think I would be allowed.
What if I have some good looking monk for a roommate?

Thought #3 while rinsing with some mouthwash: Wonder if gay monks are allowed to stay with the Nuns? :-)

Just some wandering thoughts I had while getting ready for bed!

Thankful

2010-04-22T15:39:00.010-04:00

Last night as I was praying I thanked God for leading me to this blog community for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I also thanked Him for all you guys, my brothers in Christ who struggle with SSA like me. So I figured I would post here to tell you all! Seriously you don't know how much it means to me to find other Christians who are in the same struggle as me and know what it is like. For so long I have been struggling with this on my own in secret. To read your thoughts, successes, dreams, and failures and pray for you, and ask you to pray for me and be able to be honest with you is awesome! I have never had many male friends that I could be myself around and I have never been this open and honest with anyone in person. So its great to feel like I can be myself when I post. I am looking forward to getting to know you all better!

I wish I had known that there was a blog community of fellow Christians struggling with same sex attractions a long time ago. Maybe alot of things in my life would be a little better now if I had known earlier as I find I am drawing courage and strength from reading how you guys handle things and seeing I am not alone in having this struggle but still trying to live for God. But better late then never! For the first time in my life I seriously am considering opening up to some people in my life about my struggle and that is thanks mostly to reading your blogs and seeing how you all deal with things. I am so thankful God saw it fit for me to find this blog community at a time when I was really feeling alone, down, and hopeless.

Anyways just wanted to tell you all that your blogs and honesty have really meant alot to me. This struggle we have I believe is one of the toughest things any christian could be faced with since we are misunderstood on all sides. Even many churches seem to prefer to ignore us and pretend we don't exist rather than try and support us on our very tough and at times very lonely walk. So its inspiring to see how brave you all are in sharing not only your struggles and failures but all the successes and good things God has provided too! Anyways just wanted to encourage everyone to keep up the honest discussions and know that your blogs are helping other Christians out there who struggle with SSA some who may be to afraid to post, they sure have helped me!

-Your appreciative brother in Christ

AJ

Overcoming Sin and Temptation

2010-04-20T08:45:00.006-04:00

Thanks to a few posts on Joe's blog (http://alreadybutnotyetresurrected.blogspot.com/) about John Owen's books about Temptation and Sin I decided I wanted to try and read one of his books too as it seems like they go really in depth on the subject. Joe gave me his recommendation on which book to buy so the one I got was "Overcoming Sin and Temptation" a collection of three books on Sin and Temptation by John Owen.

I must say its a tough read but already I am learning alot and I am not very far in. This is really powerful stuff! Hopefully I don't need a PhD to understand it all and don't get to bogged down in the old language. :) It is slow going as I sometimes have to re-read a sentence two or three times but it has been worth it so far. Wish me luck (or even better pray) that I continue to not only read this important book on sin and temptation but also understand what Owens is saying!

The day I knew I was different

2010-04-18T00:02:00.006-04:00

When I was 12 or 13 years old my parents gave me a book by Dr. James Dobson titled "Preparing for Adolescence". Well I just found that book again the other day at the bottom of a box of old books in my parents basement. Upon seeing the cover a wave of bad memories poured over me and I almost threw it to the floor. I instantly remembered it was when I read this very book that I realized I was different then others. I had been confused as to why I was attracted to males so I read through it like crazy trying to see if my feelings of being attracted to guys were normal. I was hoping that they would go away and I would be "normal". The book kept talking about being attracted to the other sex and changes to the body etc. , but nothing seemed to apply to my same sex attractions. Well finally on page 85 there it was a description of me and a new word I had never heard before...homosexual. I had no idea what it meant but I knew it was me after reading it. As far as I can recall (sorry no way am I reading this book again to make sure) this was the only mention in the entire book about homosexual thoughts. Here is the entire passage:

"Wouldn't it be awful if I became a homosexual? A homosexual is someone who is not attracted to the opposite sex, but who is attracted to the same sex. It's a boy's interest in boys or a girl's interest in girls. Homosexuality is an abnormal desire that reflects deep problems, but it doesn't happen often and it's not likely to happen to you."

That was it. A 200 page book on preparing for adolescence with one paragraph on homosexual thoughts. What really made me have a deep sense of sadness when I found the book again the other day was the page was still folded. I must have folded it when I was 13 and probably was so confused I did not know what to do with this information. After that the rest of the book pretty much just ignored the topic from what I can remember.

So needless to say I was very confused after reading this. Apparently I was a boy with "deep problems" and I did not know what to do. The book gave no advice on what to do if you had these attractions but just said you were deeply abnormal if you had them. From that point on I vowed to never let my parents or friends know. I built a wall around myself that to this day has not been broken. Although I am really trying to break through it and open up to others. This blog is a first step in that.

Looking back as an adult now I so wish that Dr. Dobson had given some kind of advice as what to do if you had these feelings. Maybe tell a parent, tell your pastor, tell your youth leader, or give some sort of advice. I really think now that if that little paragraph was going to be the only info on homosexual thoughts in the whole book it probably should have been removed and not even talked about. I was just an innocent and confused 13 year old kid wanting to know what was going on with my attractions and the only thing I read in this book was that I was apparently a freak since "it does not happen often" and not only was I a freak but I was a freak with "deep problems". I to this day wish I had never read that book. All it did was make me feel like more of an outsider and start me on the path of keeping people at a distance that I am still trying to overcome today.

How did you first find out what a homosexual was? Was it as bad as my experience? Did you read it in a book or hear about it from friends or what?

Heavy Hearted Again

2010-04-14T09:33:00.004-04:00

This song has really meant alot to me since I first heard it last summer at a Glorious Unseen concert. The Glorious Unseen are one of the most honest worship bands out there IMO. They tackle tough issues of doubt, struggle, and forgiveness in their songs. I am always put in a humble place when I listen to their music and just want to worship the Lord.

Anyways this song is how I am feeling today.

Heavy Hearted
by: The Glorious Unseen

What is the meaning of grace, when it speaks to my darkest place?
Why do I always feel like I’m Your disgrace? I’m sick of saving face.

And when I feel so heavy-hearted, I know You’re taking me back!
And when You take me as I am, it’s like the sunlight gracing the land.
And when I feel heavy-hearted - please, come and take my hand. Heavy-hearted again.

Where is the message of hope, when I’m sick and I’m all alone?
Why do I listen to doubt? Why do I shut You out? You’re what I need the most.

And though I feel so heavy-hearted, I know You’re taking me back!
And when You take me as I am, it’s like the sunlight gracing the land.
And when I feel heavy-hearted - please, come and take my hand.
Heavy-hearted again, heavy-hearted.

It’s so crazy - how You sustain me!
When I am down in the dirt - You come and claim me!
Father, Your burden is light. I need Your love tonight. I’m reaching out to You.

And when You take me as I am, it’s like the sunlight gracing the land.
And when I feel heavy-hearted - please, come and take my hand. Heavy-hearted again.

And when You take me as I am, it’s like the sunlight gracing the land.
And when I feel heavy-hearted - please, come and take my hand.
Heavy-hearted again. I’m heavy-hearted again...
I’m heavy-hearted again... but so close to You.

Our eyes met across the room

2010-04-12T08:37:00.014-04:00

Last night I was visiting with my parents and went out to dinner with them. Well as we were ordering this other guy around my age walked in to the restaurant with his parents and was seated right near us. It was a small restaurant and we where the only people there since it was early. He seemed to be staring at me from the moment they came in and he was eyeing me and looking at me the whole meal. It was actually more than just looking at me he was actively trying to get my attention. I guess he must have figured that not many single straight guys go to dinner with their parents or something? My parents had there back to him so they could not see all of this thankfully. I tried to just ignore him but every time I looked up from my plate he would be looking right into my eyes grinning knowingly at me with his eyes sparkling. At one point I sort of got hypnotized and stared back into his eyes before snapping out of it. As our eyes met he seemed to look right inside of me and I could tell by the look on his face that he knew the truth about my attractions that I always try so hard to hide. I admit I got kind of excited at the thought of this good looking guy apparently being attracted to me and my heart was leaping and skipping inside my chest. This has not happened often in my life that a guy was this obviously attracted to me as I am very careful to not give off any vibes.

After this momentary connection I did not know what to do so basically ignored him the rest of the dinner and just stared at my plate and fork even though I did not want to. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do? I hope I did not offend him. He was probably lonely too. But I really did not know what to do.

As we paid for the meal and I hurriedly left I couldn't help but glance over my shoulder one last time. In the car ride home I wondered what would have happened if I had shown him more interest back? Although deep inside I know its probably good I did not even though I wanted to.

Am I always to be alone? Why cant I have someone to love? I know that God probably uses my loneliness and pain to draw me closer to Him in maybe ways I would not be able to if I was straight but its still hard sometimes. I wonder if God has any kind of plan for me? I will just have to trust Him. If God has not abandoned me yet I guess He never will!

I sometimes think life must be so much easier for people that are "normal". Its probably not true but thats what I imagine. Who knows though maybe I would be a totally different person if I did not struggle with same sex attractions. Maybe someone that God would not be happy with. Could it be this very thorn I struggle with is what makes me realize how weak I am and how much I need Jesus? Is it possible without it I could be far from Him?

Love letter from God

2010-04-09T09:18:00.002-04:00

Today is a good day. Why you ask? Its a good day because I am alive and God created and loves me! But why am I suddenly in this better mood? Because I just read a love letter from God!

As I posted last week I am reading through Psalms right now. As you may know from my last couple of posts I have been kinda depressed and lonely lately. Well this morning during my reading of Psalms I just read Psalm 103 for the first time in years and I was reminded just how much God loves me. I am in awe at God's mercy and love! What an amazing chapter this is and an amazing God we have! Just as I was sinking and feeling depressed, unlovable and hopeless God leads me to this passage that is like a love letter to all of mankind. I am blown away by His love and mercy. My heart just lifted more and more as I read this chapter and I had tears in my eyes thinking about how great God is and how amazing it is that he loves and forgives a sinner like me.

This is why I have to continue to always remember to make time to read the Bible. Sometimes I need to be reminded what an incredible and loving God we serve.

If you are having a bad day and think God cant love and forgive a sinner like you or like me then I challenge you to read Psalm 103 and see if you still think that after.

Here is a small passage from it but seriously read the whole chapter!

Psalm 103: 8-16

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

Pretty amazing right? And there is a bunch of other stuff just as great in the rest of this chapter. Reading this made my day! Why do I sometimes give up pure, real, perfect love like that for some temporary sinful pleasure and lusts in this life of mine that is so short God compares it to the life of a flower?

Will I stumble and fail in the future? Sadly it is likely. Will I get depressed and lonely sometimes? Ya probably. But "He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities." The truth is I deserve death and to be far from God as do all sinners. But the insanely good news is that because of Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection God does not treat me or treat you how we deserve to be treated! Instead of death this passage says that God's love for us is so great its as "high as the heavens are above the earth". He loves me anyways despite the times I have stumbled or may stumble in the future and has removed my transgressions from me as far as the east is from the west. God is always ready to forgive me and give me a second, third, or 1,000th chance!!

I think I may print out this whole chapter and tape it to the wall so I can read it whenever I am feeling down. No love letter from a human could ever be so good!

Will tomorrow be a good day? I don't know but of least today is, not because of any changes in my circumstances, but because God saw fit to remind me of His love and I thank Him for that! Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Thank you Lord for being so good to a sinner like me. Forgive my doubts, fears, and many sins. I am but dust and yet you love me and forgive my sins. Please help me to always remember how much you care for me. Help me not to swallow the Enemy's lies that I am worthless and unlovable as these verses clearly show me how untrue those lies are! You cared and loved me enough to sacrifice your Son for one as lowly and sinful as me! I am humbled and in utter amazement Lord. I Love you Jesus.

A day at the Beach

2010-04-06T10:08:00.003-04:00

It was an absolutely beautiful spring day on Saturday. Pretty much perfect weather. I got the chance to go out by the ocean with my brother, his wife, and my parents.

I had a great time overall but this blog is my place to share my inner feelings that I hide and bottle inside so I know this is going to make it sound like I was miserable all day but I was not. I just wanted to make it clear that it was a fun time and these are just passing thoughts I had while I was enjoying the day that did not take away from the fun and good time spent with family that I enjoyed. Ok just wanted to make that clear. Now on to my thoughts.

As I said it was a beautiful Spring day and we all decided to meet by the ocean to enjoy the day. Anyways a little more about me and my family first. My brother is a few years younger than me and got married to a great christian girl about a year ago. I still cant believe he is married. Makes me feel even more inadequate as a man than I do already when I remember my younger brother is married and I am like this. Sometimes I wonder how he turned out "normal" but I am this confused mess. But I am so happy that he is "normal". I thank God often that my brother does not have to go through what I am going through. Also the fact that he is married and happy is great for my parents as of least they dont have to worry about him as much as I think they worry about me.

Anyways got to do lots of walking and thinking and got to enjoy the sun and amazing weather. Since it was so warm there were lots of couples out and about enjoying the day. I saw of least 3 or 4 gay couples. Its strange up until about a month or two ago I never used to notice but now I actually look to try and find them. I don't know why its just interesting to me to see what their life is like. I am not really attracted to females much at all but when walking around Saturday or really anytime whenever I would see a young happy straight couple I would just get this twinge of sadness and feel in my soul that is what I long for to have a wife and a family. It makes sense as that is what God intends for us, but somehow I messed it up, or my sinful nature messed it up, or satan messed it up, or something messed it up. Its kinda hard to start a relationship when I would be more attracted to a woman's ex-boyfriend then her. I guess I am just one hugely confused and messed up person.

At times on Saturday I felt a bit like the third wheel. I had my camera and I found I was taking everyone elses picture but was only in like one of the photos myself and I had to basically ask to be in it. No one ever said "hey lets get a shot of you and your brother" or "everyone squeeze in for this photo" instead I just took all the photos. Looking through the viewfinder as I took photos of my family I saw all the happiness that I will probably never have. The other side of that lens may as well have been 1000 miles away I felt so far from what they have. At times I felt like some sort of hired photographer that was just along to take photos of people I hardly knew or something. I know thats a terrible thing to say but thats what I felt at the time.

I hung out with them for probably 3 hours but did not say to much. Its probably because nothing ever changes for me so there is not much to say. Whats to talk about when I am always single, and dont have much exciting to talk about or many friends. Plus I am really quite and have trouble opening up so that does not help. I am not shy around my parents or brother but I am a little bit around my brothers wife still. She is great though and he is really lucky to have found her! I always have trouble opening up and communicating my feelings no matter who I am around primarily because I am afraid to let people in for fear they will see the real me that I try to hide.

Because of this most of the talking was done between my parents and my brother and sister-in-law. They talked about hoping to have grandchildren soon, about the new house my brother and his wife just bought, white picket fences, 2.5 kids and stuff like that. I guess thats good since I sure wont be providing any grandchildren anytime soon. I mean what do I have to say about any of those topics? Not much. So i just listened in and enjoyed the weather and watched the ocean waves pound the shore. And probably thought to much like I usually do (hence this blog post). :)

I pretty much just walked a few paces behind the four of them as we walked along the trail and felt kinda alone. Occasionally I would chime in on the conversation but I felt like I did not have much to contribute. I wish I was not a coward and could tell them how I sometimes feel: alone, left out, confused. As the day was ending and we got closer to the water the waves crashed relentlessly against the shore drowning out the conversation, the crashing waves reminded me of the confusing feelings and attractions always plaguing my mind and body that seem to drown out anything good inside of me.

I could not help but feel like all I did was drag everyone down and that they would have been happier and had more fun on this trip if I had stayed home.

But then who would take the photos??

Lord Jesus please take a hold of my drowning hand and pull me to safety from the storms raging inside my mind and body to Your perfect love.

Easter Mystery

2010-04-04T08:17:00.002-04:00

Happy Easter everyone! Lets try to never forget Christ has risen and washed our sins clean!!

This is one of my favorite Charlie Hall songs and its perfect for Easter.

Mystery
by: Charlie Hall

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven, broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus, Mystery

Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus, Mystery

Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again

Celebrate his death and rising
Lift your eyes, proclaim his coming
Celebrate his death and rising
Lift you eyes, lift your eyes

Celebrate his death and rising
Lift your eyes, proclaim his coming
Celebrate his death and rising
Lift you eyes, lift your eyes

Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

Family Gatherings...A time to be grilled

2010-04-01T23:56:00.012-04:00

I know that not many people really read this blog since its new but I have a question. With Easter coming up this weekend it is another family event where I will again get grilled about being single. I am at the age where it seems most of my friends are now married or getting married soon and even my younger brother is married. So I never know what to say in these family situations. What do you say to your uncle when he asks why you did not bring your GF or to your grandmother when she asks why I have "not found a nice girl to marry yet?" I usually just sort of nervously laugh and say that I have not found the right girl. But its always very uncomfortable and makes me feel defensive. Anyone have any suggestions on a good response? Does anyone else get asked these questions at almost every family holiday? Or maybe I just have a nosy family? :)

Sometimes I wonder if some of them suspect I have these homosexual feelings and may almost be making fun of me behind my back by asking me every time. I imagine that they laugh to themselves as I clumsily try to come up with some new excuse to answer the same questions every year. But that is probably just my imagination as I am sure in reality they love me and are worried I am always alone.

It seems I am the gay member of the family that every extended family seems to have of least one of (or of least thats the way it is in the movies). Pretty much all my cousins are married and some already have kids even my brother is married. Everyone seems as happy as can be. I know its never as good as it looks on the outside looking in (it cant be since a couple of my older cousins are already on marraige #2!) and don't get me wrong I am happy for them all but still I long to be like them. When the family gathering is over they all get to go home with the person they love and their family. But I return to an empty lonely apartment. I wonder if they realize how lucky they are?

Argh I better stop writing I am depressing myself. Sorry for going off on a bit of a rant.

Be Still My Soul

2010-03-31T00:57:00.004-04:00

Its almost 1:00am and I cant sleep. I just had a very long and emotional time on my knees in prayer. I really was feeling incredibly lonely and like there was just no hope for me. Its alot of things coming together at once and its overwhelming sometimes. Through my tears mixed with prayers I begged God to speak to my heart to let me know He was still there. During my prayer the hymn "Be Still my Soul" suddenly came into my mind. I think its something God wanted me to hear. I really needed it.

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to your God to order and provide;
in every change God faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future, as in ages past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
the Christ who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow for forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Kinda makes for a good lullaby and it really gave me some peace. I think I am gonna load it onto my ipod and try to go to sleep with it playing in the background.

I was a brute beast before you

2010-03-29T23:31:00.004-04:00

I am reading through Psalms right now and the other day I came upon this passage Psalm 73:21-26:

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

This is exactly how I sometimes feel when I give into lusts like a brute beast senseless and out of control. I hate that feeling when my body seems to control me.

Sadly I have a confession about a recent incident where I was like an out of control beast that started out innocent enough. As you may know I am new at this blog thing and the other night I learned the hard way I have to be careful what links I click on. I clicked a link that was in a comment on a fellow christian who has same sex attractions blog and ended up on some blog I had not been to before. Well I should have left right away. On this blog there was this long, very graphic and detailed description about him and his boyfriends sex from the night before and well I confess I read the whole blog post and became aroused and then masturbated. I could have closed the blog immediately and should have. That was my first impulse after I read the first couple of sentences and yet I kept on reading.

I am so weak and out of control sometimes. Truly like a mindless beast.

This passage gives me some hope though because even as the writer of this Psalm was saying he was like a beast before God he goes on to say that God was there the whole time so close that God was holding his hand. God gave me the way out of that temptation and I did not take it. Looking back I could almost sense Him nudging me; all I had to do was close out the page after reading the first few words and I would have been fine. The question is why didn't I?

My prayer for tonight is this passage especially the last two verses:

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Lord please help me to desire you above all things. Please hold me by the hand and don't give up on me. Forgive me for my weakness and failures and help me to put my hope and trust in you. Jesus be the strength of my heart and help me not give in to temptation. You are all I have and all I want. I don't want to be like a beast who just does what is pleasurable but want to be your child. I love you Lord.

I Can't believe I am writing this

2010-03-26T10:19:00.026-04:00

Its kind of a miracle I am even writing this. You see I have never told anyone of this struggle I have so this is a huge step for me. I am a 30 year old Christian male and I have struggled with same sex attractions since probably around age 11 or 12. I grew up in a great Christian home with loving parents and became a Christian when I was young. I have always been very secretive about these feelings and have battled them on my own afraid of how people would react to me if they knew the truth. I finished college five or six years ago and somehow even managed to keep my feelings a secret from everyone there as well. I am pretty lonely sometimes as I sadly tend to keep people at a distance so they wont get to close. Its kind of ironic I am sharing this here for the whole world to see and yet not with anyone I know. Oh well I guess I am a coward.

I am so thankful to God that somehow despite my very strong temptations I am still a virgin physically since I have never acted out these feelings with anyone. However mentally I am definitely not and have given into my lusts to many times to count through porn and fantasies. I had been doing really good in that area though up to a few days ago when I gave into my lusts and fantasies and was looking at porn for the first time in probably 3 or 4 months. After I was done I felt so depressed, alone, and sick of myself and like God must be so sick of me too. I once again felt I was a hypocrite by praying to God afterwards and asking for forgiveness when I knew I would probably fail again. I went to bed and cried and prayed, and prayed and cried to Jesus for forgiveness until I fell asleep.

The next day as I sat depressed and alone about failing again I decided to search google for “Christians who have same sex attractions” or some search term like that and I somehow stumbled onto a few blogs of fellow Christians who struggle with SSA. I cant tell you how much it meant to me to find these blogs and see that other Christians were also struggling with this and sharing their thoughts, pain, hopes and dreams as they tried to live for God. I spent probably the next 4 or 5 hours reading blogs from fellow SSA Christians and for the first time in a long time felt I was not alone with these feelings. I think the bottling up of this struggle inside me has really been slowly destroying me and sending me deeper and deeper into depression, loneliness, and fear. I really believe God led me to these blogs of other Christians with SSA because he wanted me to see I was not alone but also I felt maybe He wanted me to open up about my struggles by starting a blog of my own and not try to keep it all inside. Granted this blog is pretty anonymous but having this outlet to share my struggles and thoughts I am hoping will really be a help to me in my walk.

For the longest time I was desperate for God to heal me of these thoughts and feelings and prayed for that constantly. I don't even know how many times over the years I have prayed and cried out to the Lord to take these feelings from me and make me "normal". Probably to many times to count. Growing up as a teenager there was no worse feeling then praying for healing while in church with my eyes closed and then after praying opening my eyes, and instantly like a magnet having them fall on a guy I was attracted to and then the thoughts would begin. It would make me feel like the biggest hypocrite and sinner to have these thoughts in church of all places and I wanted to run away and hide. I still do pray for a miracle but I guess I am finally starting to figure out that these thoughts and attractions may be with me for life.

Why am I like this? Am I some kind of a mistake? I will probably never know until I get to heaven and can ask God myself. However, between now and then I am hoping I will start to understand myself more and learn to accept myself for who I am, a person who sins and struggles but that God created for a reason and loves. It’s a long journey ahead and I am sure I will fail many times but I hope I can be honest and share my experiences with you. I will write more posts later telling more about myself. If you feel like sending up a prayer for me its always appreciated.

I gotta say its a huge weight off my shoulders just writing this down and letting someone, anyone, know I have these struggles even if no one ever reads this. Thanks for listening.